Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
because
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on
Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's
misses every chance he gets."
Posted 24th June Hollow
Subject: Viagra
Posted 20th June
Stiff
Subject: Fw: There was this dwarf with a speech problem:
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. Subject: Dead Nuns
Three nuns die and go to heaven. At the Gate, they are met by St.
Peter. He says, Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that
the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be
anyone you wish to be.
The second says, I want to be Madonna.and *poof* she's gone
The third says, I want to be
Sara Pipalini. This is the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months. |
||||
|
Subject: American Courts
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:
We both do.
ATTORNEY:
Voodoo?
WITNESS:
We do.
ATTORNEY:
You do?
WITNESS:
Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:
Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY:
The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:
Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:
Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY:
How many were boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY:
Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:
He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:
Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:
The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:
Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY:
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
Subject: The Birds and The Bees
>> This is the modern way of explaining the birds and the bees.
>> A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
>> The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!>>
>> Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
>> We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
>> As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said
>> ..............You've Got Male."
Posted 30th May Stiff
To all my
friends that can read or who are married to fishermen!
> > A little something to read :-
> > One morning a husband returns to his lake cabin after several
hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors
out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book, enjoying the
peace and quiet.
> Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
> "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't it obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
> "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
> "Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
> "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
> "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
> "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
> "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
> > MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also > think.
Posted 30th May StiffThese are genuine clips from British Council tenants, complaining to their council about problems with their flats.
Recently, Harvard scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
No further testing was considered necessary !!!
Posted 15th Mar Elephant Arse
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
Blow Job Etiquette (a male's perspective)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Posted 15th Mar Stiff
Subject: Trousers
Posted 14th Mar
Hollow & Kalma K
Subject: FW: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A BLONDE GENIE?
> A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
> Two blonde genies appear, with the most beautiful slow drawl southern
states accents and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The
> guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next
thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded By 50
beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks
down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a
knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons
dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest
tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's
dead.>
> The Klansmen walk off. As they're walking away, they remove their
hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other
one: "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful
women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him
wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a
black man is beyond me....."
>Posted 14th Mar Golden
Cascade
Snow in
Jamaica
>
> A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.
> Upon arriving, she meets a well-endowed black man, and after a night>
of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
>
> "I can't tell you," the black man says.
>
> Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what
his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
>
> On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your
name?"
>
> I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the black
man.
>
> "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
>
> "Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
>
> The lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I
knew you would make fun of it."
>
> The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name.I'm thinking of my
husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of
Snow everyday in Jamaica!"
Posted 15th Dec Stiffanny
Vegetables
A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
>>One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
>>The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
>>The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
>>The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
>>One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
>>"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Posted 15th Dec DogsSome quotes
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms...but, men can fake a whole
relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks, or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So, what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
married."
George Burns
Posted 30th Nov From Elephant Arse
Women explained by engineers
Wales
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man Standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half"
"Well, why did you leave Wales?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and Rugby Players back home."
Posted 22nd Nov From Elephant Arse
The "F" Word
(Correct use of the "F" word)
When is
@#$%
Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history when the
"F"
word has
been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What
the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10.
"What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where
did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any
@#$%ing idiot
could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It
does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How
the @#$%
did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You
want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where
the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered
@#$%ing showers,
my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw
c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
and a drum roll please............!
1. "Geez,
I didn't think
they'd get this
@%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
Posted 20th Nov From Elephant Arse
"Jewish Couple"
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets
with their rabbi for counselling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with
men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like
your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always
dance separately."
So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?
Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within
marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man?
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sur