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RUN REPORTS      (See Hash History Page for Years 2015 and previous years)

Run number  1611 29th Dec 2018 Hares - Aquasex & Pussy



Run number  1610 22nd Dec 2018 Hares - Stiffy & Stiffitta

It's an honour as Hash Scribe of the year to write this.  Most of my braincells are soaked in red wine and almost destroyed. Here goes....cue the music. 

ON the first day of Christmas my GM said to me, 
"Right I´m off to watch Everton spank Spurs. Get the hares in the circle to explain the hash and off you go". 
The hashers were happy to see even more sunshine and some flour.
Stiffany promised us a bit of everything. Up yer Bum wanted a pick and mix. 
The yuletide hashers headed in the direction of El Coto and Sierrezuela; an assortment of Santas, Elves, Rudolf's and front running Christmas trees took to the streets. 

On the second day of Christmas my GM said to me, 
Nothing! Sir Flakey had disappeared to the local boozer, to watch his beloved team. Streaky and Stiffany handed Bella and Evie (stand in reindeer)  to Speedbumps. She ran the length of Avenida Mijas and back like Santa on narcotics. Appy Ending was still in a wheelchair and cheering from the sidelines. 

On the third day of Christmas my GM said to me, 
"Yayyyyyyyy!" you could hear him cheering from Fuengirola, to the sound Everton's first goal, 
The hashers meanwhile, had traversed  the pavements and gone off piste in to the Sierrezuela jungle.
Brown Skid in the Ring forging ahead in bright red underpants and flashing lights.

On the fourth day of Christmas my GM said to me, 
"Feck! Spurs have an equaliser".
Sending Sir Flakey in to a dark place while the sun shone on the festive convoy. We whistled and sang through the tracks and check backs, and there were some killer check backs to reach the top of a Sierrezuela hill. 

On the 5th Day of Christmas the GM said to me, 
"Deli Alli is a gold twat" 
5 Knuckle Shuffle was gasping for breath at the top of a particularly steep hill and Just In had taken Lip Service behind a tree. Father Christmas aka Yogi Bear had probably got stuck down a chimney. Quicksand streaked past them all. 

On the 6th Day of Christmas the GM said to me, 
"Pickford has just let in a goal from Harry Kane". 
The hashers meanwhile were having a ball. The weather iwas superb, the views magnificent and quite a few hashers never knew how good the shiggy, checks and hares were. Getting the best out of a town and campo run takes a female mind. 

On the 7th Day of Christmas the GM said to me, 
"Feck, bollox, feck" after Spurs were trouncing Everton 4-1 and it wasn't even half time at Goodison Park.
Aphrodisiac had his best shirt on and was bringing up the rear with Up yer Bum.  She was threatening not to fall for Stiffany's description of an easy stroll any longer. 

On the 8th Day of Christmas the GM said to me 
" We've got one back!"
While he punched the air with optimism,  the festooned hashers were searching for a tunnel in all the wrong directions.  Then, the ON ON cries were called by Master Bates who had been searching all his Google location pins.  The pack scrambled down the ravine and headed to the river.

On the 9th Day of Christmas, the GM said to me....
 "SON of a bitch" and worse, his Tourettes was getting extreme.  
The hashers meanwhile had reached the beer stop, for mince pies, crisps and plenty of beer. Some of the more hungover hashers (mostly Shaggy) were sticking to Fanta.  Sweet and Low was searching for the real Coke, Streaky and Stiffany were having a bust up over flour. Dogsy was chillin out. Seamen Stains was getting it all on camera.

On the 10th Day of Christmas the GM swore at me, 
"Fuck, wank shit stain, piss bollox" Harry Kane had scored another.
The hashers were on their way to the circle with the promise of Stiffita's mulled wine. Mary Hinge was throwing spectacles in to the jungle stream. Fellow hashers all marched through the excrement filled ditch, burying them deep in shit.

On the 11th Day of Christmas the GM howled at me, 
" It is now five goals for Spurs" that was the translation after all the expletives were taken out. 
The pack were all back and knocking back good hot 'Wassail' laden with Brandy. Stiffita has learned well. The circle was called and Yogi Claus was stand in RA, Swissy as always, our traditional Piss Poorer and the aniversarios were toasted. 

  • Appy Ending 95 runs
  • Speedbumps 145 runs convinced someone is counting backwards.
  • Sir Flakey 600 games lost. 

A Christmas christening was achieved and Cums Twice (but only once a year) was relieved she was covered in just a thimble of flour. 

The run was a resounding success,  likened to a year in review, of all the hashes we had done in 2018. It truly was a bit of everything and the mark hovered on 9.99999999 recurring till Yogi Claus called in the grovellers. Revelling in his role as Father DownDown he was handing out beers like kids' presents on Christmas Eve. 

On the 12th Day of Christmas my GM cried to me..... " bhoooohoooooo hooooooooooo  TWO SIX TWO SIX TWO FECKING SIX " 
 Who know 2 and 6 were Pochettino's anniversary numbers. He was celebrating 26 years of marriage with a win over Everton and Sir Flakey was a broken man.  (At this stage, Yogi Bear is saying 'who cares!'). Shags is hoping him and Stiff will beat the 26 years wedded gauntlet now thrown down by the Spurs boss.
Stiffany consoled Flakes with sustenance and a seat at the table. The Christmas RA was apoplectic at the mention of football while Chicken George was reminiscing of his time on the pitch. The days of lace up leather balls and shared baths. 
Rob the Knob started singing, Praise the Hash! Stiffany got up to remind us all of the spirit of a Hashy Christmas and Rob the Nob's Mrs had her dinner at midnight. Roger the cabin boy got a free down down, and  and all was well on this Christmas night. 

The festivity continues at Frog Hall next Sunday for the last hash of the year, ON ON to 2019 with Titanic back at the helm on the 31st. What a year it has been and it's not over yet!

ON ON Shaggy


Run number  1609    15th Dec 2018


Run number  1608     8th Dec 2018



Run number  1607     1st Dec 2018

Hares – Semen stains and Appy Ending   

At – Churriana

After two weeks of cold and rain it was an absolute pleasure to be back hashing in the sunshine. The start location in Churriana was a first for the hash, and as such was a refreshing change. It being a Scottish celebration of St Andrews Day. A goodly number of people were sporting a level the tartan, especially in the final circle. Semen Stains was resplendent in his kilt.

The Run set off alongside the road to Ahaurin el Grande and then went into the campo to meander around before heading up a very steep and long track up the mountain. This afforded great views of Malaga and the airport …  but was seriously hard work.

As we went up and up we were most discouraged to find that the final section was in fact a false trail and we had to turn around and go back down the trail to a split a long way below us. Thus we went down and then up again and eventually reached the WHISKEY STOP. The run then continued for a good, long distance over mostly flat ground behind Torremolinos. The hare announced that it was an 8K Run but others actually recorded around 10K, making it a long Run by our standards.

The circle began with several hashers still out on trail, though with such large numbers nobody knew who, or indeed if, anyone was missing. The lost sheep eventually did return during the course of the circle and in fact when asked for their scores, gave very high marks. The overall score was a creditable 8.9, so well done the hares. Anniversarios were – Materbates 80 and yours truly Kindergarden 540.

The On On was at a chinese restaurant down the road.

 Your Scribe



Run Number 1606 25th Nov 2018 - Hare: Shaggi

Run number 1606.


Hares: Shagadelic with assistance from Steve.


This can only be described as an Up and Down Run. The first things to go up were umbrellas for the introduction circle. Luckily by the time we were pointed in the right direction the rain seemed to have subsided.

The first down was into a huge drainage pipe which didn’t seem too bad at the beginning , but on reaching the far end all either had wet feet on their ankles up at ear level. A short section of streamway was followed by up after up with the odd bit of level. The going was tough but the tough got going, although it would have been much easier on a motoX bike. Talking of bikes, Dogsy was last seen heading south and only appeared again for the final countdown. One step forward and two steps back, several long falsies and a CB helped to make it feel like a long way to the tower and Beer stop.

However the views were well worth the effort and the beer thirst quenching.

Obviously it would be a simple downhill trot back to the cars, nothing could be further from the truth.

After a less than obvious trail into the valley it was more up and up until an altitude not much lower than the beer stop was reached. Mercifully a sustained bit of downhill (there had to be some) yielded the sight of the cars, rather sooner than some expected.

All in all, great exercise, nice views and wonderful company made this a very enjoyable Hash, official rated as a 9.1, calculated by Mummy’s Boy.

22 runners attended, one of whom was noname Steve from ROTA. However Steve left with the new Hash name ‘Suck my Peas’, he was christened by Gerry Can, not sure whether it was completely intentional but he looked like a snowman with about a tonne of flower over his head.


      Rebore  10 runs.

      French Erection  115 runs.

      Seaman Stains  195 runs.




Run Number 1605 18th Nov 2018 - Hare : dogsy, Mary hinge, up yer bum

Rita, Sue and Bob too. I meant Dogsy, Mary Hinge and Up yer bum organised this weeks hash.

If ever an over sized umbrella was required, today was the day. It started when the coast woke up to dangerous electrical storms. Dogs were cowering, cats were nervous. This was not a day to be out in the campo.

Most people lit fires, switched on the telly and stayed in doors. Not the hares, they went out and set the trail.

Those that turned up had watched too many survival programs. Golden Cascade had the latest fashion collection and didn't care about the impending downpour. Several virgins (maids and a hen) arrived, assisted by Jerry Can, who was no doubt hoping for a Benny Hill style hash, being chased over the hills in to the distance. Shaggy and Speedy found another innocent man abroad. Steve had never heard of Mijas H3 before looked eager enough to be led astray and out on to the Yorkshire moors with two female hashers. I meant La Cala campo.

Dogsy had other ideas though.
Get the job done, . Get the hashers out there. Don't waste any flour. Go straight to the beer stop. Get them back to the circle without any monkey business. He wrapped us up in a hashy comfort blanket: well worn, familiar ground as old as hashers socks.

Out we went in to the campo, over to the El Chaparral road for a beer stop and back on to the inland track to come round to the la Cala football ground. Anyone who has set a hash, has probably laid flour on this part of the campo. Sometimes in life there's nothing better than knowing where you are going.

Kinder then does an extraordinary job of rounding us up in to a lose fitting circle. Noting there was not enough beer, and no one had mugs, but exclaiming we were all mugs and hurrying us along before the rain fell. Having detected the shivering crowd under umbrellas, bedraggled and sodden he called the circle closed before all sinners had been outed.

There was just time for Just say When to accuse Dogsy of tearing round the course in his van, which would have been pretty impressive. "Geta life" was rushed along at the anniversarios. Chicken George on 20, taking his world wide tally to somewhere in the region of half a million. Mary Hinge hit her 55, Shagadelic slowly climbing up the charts with 220 and Mummy's Boy who tried his best to do a Benny Hill with 3 of the virgins, has notched up 630 runs. No wonder he wobbled back.

No one could count, but it was declared a 9.1.

The fastest circle in the west. Lee Van Cleef aka Dogsy looked quite pleased with himself.

We decamped to the old folks rest home, restaurant in La Cala. I´m still eating left over fried fish while writing this, two days later. If fish stocks are depleted, blame the geriatrics.

Wheel chairs riding off in to the distance with nurses chasing them, singing ner ner ner nenny ner de der der diddy ner ner der der diddly der der

or listen to this while reading.




Hash Scribe   Run Number 1604 11th Nov 2018

Hares – Dipper & Gobbichov      At  - Somewhere remote in Mijas Campo

A magnificent sunny day drew out a large amount of hashers - 41. We were promised a short but interesting run of around 5 Kms. And as it turned out it was just that.

The pack must have been in a very good mood as marks of 9.9 were flying around. In the end Mummy's boy settled on an average of 9.1 a very respectable score.

Given the solemnity and significance of the occasion Shitler decided that it was time for a resurgence. 

Sinners were rewarded with a dubious makeover in the shape of a movember tache which resulted in a few looky likeys

 mostly it has to be said  French erection who looked worryingly like Rosa Klebb, Bond villainess extraordinaire.

Dipper ended up more like Captain Pugwash . and gave a typically tasteful recital of that old standard sea shanty Beat my meat.

The On On was at Hoyo 19/Sol y sombra reported to be under new management. I cannot comment on the restaurant as we were absent but there were about 20 odd hashers attended.

Visitors: Humper & loose Lips

Anniversarios: Bella 5 Jerry Can 180 Salmonella 310 Pussy Galore 315 Gangbang 320 colonic 375 and saddest of all Dogsy 760 (Get a life).

Looking forward to next weeks La Cala spectacular Hared by yours truly and a couple of hangers on. Jerry Can has promised a horny hen party contingent. So be there or be somewhere else.

Your scribe

Dogsy (Can't remember it all as suffering from Scottish Alzheimers i.e. forget everything except a grudge.)




Hash Scribe   Run Number 1603 4 Nov 2018

Hares – Chicken George Titanic(with assist from Just Say When)         At  - Barranco Blanco

It has been a long rime since we were here in this great location and it was good to be back again. An incredible number of people turned up … 55 by all accounts. Masterbates brought  5 Swedish people, all virgins and new to Hashing and there were 4 visitors – 2 from Turkey and 2 from Malaga  (could they be really called visitors?) … as well, of course, as the usual old lags.

The run was a of a good length, around 7k according to the hares, and went through a variety of terrain, included some delightful narrow tracks. Word had it that it was one of Just Say When's previous runs that was done backwards. Nevertheless a great run, despite the beer wagon not being there on time for both the second beer stop and the arrival back at the circle location. It received a score of 8.9.

Thence to the final circle. The appointed scribes for the previous two runs, Jerry can and Five Knuckle Shuffle were punished for their failure to carry out their duties. The virgins were questioned and there were the usual many other down downs. The RA for the day was Dipper, returning from obscurity to make a rare and welcome appearance.  Anniversarios were many – Titanic 20, Elvis 30, Happy Days 25, Bloody Pinocchio 35, Lip Service 55, Blown A Seal 60, Justin 240, Five Knuckle Shuffle 95, Just Say When 330 and Swiss Roll 535.

The On On was at La Boma and was a good, 3 course meal for our 15 euros. The actual number was in dispute, but approximately 30 people attended.

Your scribe

Kindergarden Cop


Run 1602 Sunday, 21 October

Hares: Rob the Knob and Sandpaper Sally

RV: Knob’s End

We had been promised a ‘heated pool’ run, but the RA failed in his duty to deliver the required warm sunshine. Instead, we had threatening black clouds, with rain visible in the distance.

We had virgin hashers and visitors from Phuket, Abu Dhabi, Desert (Dubai) and Rota/Malaga. Departing Knob’s End, the trail went around the back of the villa and off into the bush. A long false trail did for the FRBs early on, with Just Say When claiming ‘it’s the same as their last trail’. After this point we didn’t see the wimps again until we got back to Knob’s End.

The macho trail (with just eight hashers) weaved up and down and round on blacktop, until Just Say When decided she’d had enough of that. On failing to find the trail after running half a mile in the wrong direction, she decided to take a woodland trail between the true trail and the wimps trail, expecting to head off the runners. No amount of calling ‘on back’ deterred her. Unfortunately, her short cut re-joined the true trail after the first beer stop. Obviously not the same as the last trail!

The second section of the trail through woodland and undulating terrain saw a vigorous debate about the merit of placing a Back Check after an arrow. ‘It’s not allowed’ claimed Rub Her Turd. And I thought there no rules on the hash (other than Rule Number One). The eight FRBs duly pitched up (and it was a long hard up) at the second beer stop, wondering what had happened to the wimps. Apparently, they got fed up of waiting and sloped off in a huff back to Knob’s End (where trouble awaited the hares).   

Back at Knob’s End we were reunited with the rest of the pack who were complaining bitterly about there being no beer stop. And there also was Mummies Boy, crashed out on one of the sunbeds, which I suspect he never left. Some brave souls took to the pool, but most hashers opted to stay on dry land with a can of beer in hand.

On to the Circle and ‘Just In’ had to ‘stand in’ for the GM who was ‘missing in inaction’ watching a bunch of 11 men dressed in blue kicking a round object aimlessly round a field. Hashers were consulted about the run, with many complaining that there had been no beer stop, whereas two had been promised. Apparently, Sandpaper Sally was not able to take beer to the second beer stop in time for the arrival of the wimps because she was replenishing the stock of beer at the ‘runners only’ beer stop. I think she got her priorities right! However, the trail was awarded Hash Sh*t, much to the delight of Rub Her Turd who handed over the toilet seat.

Down Downs:

Rob the Knob (GM lookalike) and Sandpaper Sally – for setting a shi**y trail were ordered to sit on the wet cushion (the RA forgot the ice!)

MasterBates – for being a w**ker

Aphrodisiac – for stupidly sitting on the wet cushion

Blown a Seal – for not allowing the RA to suckle on her nipple

Proceedings were brought to a close as the waiters bearing the Indian takeaway arrived.

Note: Stories, photos needed for the 30th Anniversary Magazine. Send to Flakey (who will file them somewhere safe and then forget where he’s filed them).  





Halloween Hash - 1,601th Run

Freddy Kruger should have been writing this, but he couldn't hold the pen.

The Gorgasmic Halloween Day

A bunch of innocent hashers, assembled at the base of La Concha mountain under the blue skies. Who would have thought several hours later, in a zombie creeping fog, it would be so bone chillingly cold. Steadily, one by one hashers picked up the ghostly track. Eerily watched over by the deadly hares or cops that were long dead.
Worse than Hansel and Gretel, this was no fairy tail. This was a deadly Halloween hash. Bawwwhhaaahhhhaaaaa (blood curdling scream in the background).
Earlier in that fateful day, the sun shone and Radio Kaka brought a virgin - a wig maker for baldmen, young Simon thought he was going for a walk in the park.

The hairs on the back of his neck rose when he met the assortment of fellow walkers - witches Up yer Bum and her coven, Stains - a terrifying surgeon with a penchant for taking gruesome photos, his side kick, Lady of the Dead, several zombies and a few fellow hashers who were just as scary without any adornments - Mummy's Boy for one.

Simon stood strangely quiet while the circle formed. He hadn't noticed Kaka's blood stained chest, though everybody else did.

The two blood soaked cops - explained how we were to walk, run or stagger to the nearest beer stop and not to look over our shoulders till we got there. Simon, should have turned back then, but he walked on blindly, following the unholy hashers. The hash mascot dog Oscar ran off, barking first to warn the other hashers. 100 miles an hour he sprinted, as far away as he could go. Speedbumps (aptly named) caught Oscar and brought him back to the doomed pack.

As the day grew greyer and ominous black clouds formed over the top of La Concha the pack decided to split up, they scattered at the nearest check. Some of the back hashers lost the sound of the ON ON calls and were left to find the dwindling flour under a threatening storm. The wind picked up, it started to howl through the trees, slowly heavy rain drops fell.

Just when hope was fading of finding the first beer stop a bloody cop showed up. She was waving frantically for us to run in the other direction away from the lashing rain, towards a long crumbling wall of an old decrepit cortijo. A lone mastiff, long since abandoned by it's master stood barking at the approaching hashers. Waving it's tail forlornly hoping it would be rescued. The pack pressed on towards the gap in the crumbling wall and shelter from the heavy skies and lonely mastiff.

At last, hashers were met with relief and the bloody cops had beer and softies and welcome refreshment. We began to search the cortijo for clues to it's long since departed owner. All that could be hinted at was that once upon a time, there had been happy times, but something had happened. A ghostly chill filled the air and the cops told us it was time to move on.

Happy to flee, the virgin was left with Kaka. It was becoming bone numbingly cold and she told him, "we must go on to the Cava stop - it's tradition". Simon looked at the clouds above him and shivered. Uncontrollably this time. The temperature near zero.

Meanwhile, the harriets found more abandoned items, this time on trail next to a skip. Clothes and shoes belonging to a woman. Her remains have never been found, but that didn't stop Shaggy and Speedy from kitting themselves out with the evidence.

Once again, from nowhere the cop woman showed up, was that more blood across her breasts and dribbling from her mouth? She pointed to a short cut, warning us the winter weather was closing in and we may not make it to the next stop.

Again relief, it wasn't´t a slaughter house, it was a fantastic beer stop!

Our mood lightened - even surrounded by rat droppings and long discarded whiskey bottles and menus in pesetas , this chiringuito was the Welcome Inn for all bedraggled travellers looking to foul the trail. Every room was strewn with rubbish, an arsonists oasis. Cupboards from the 1950`s, draw knobs Speedy extracted for her own panic room.
Again, a bloody cop hovered quietly observing those that entered the abandoned chiringuito rubbing his hands with expectant glee.

Some how the other hashers never found the abandoned chiringuito. Simon had gone missing, possibly frozen to death or maybe worse to death.

So a few brave harrietts set off in search, and our female ever present cop led us to a place far beyond our imagination. None of us anticipated what happened next and some of us may never speak about it again. Etched in our minds, forever to wake us in a sweat in the dead of night.

To give an inkling, a zombie flesh eater, long since destroyed was hung by the neck from the rafters of the house. A sign had been placed round his twisted torso which read - Weary traveller and seeker of pleasure. Hidden here is treasure of tasty pleasure. Seek and find. AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Speedbumps (which by now is Goosebumps) and Up your Bum entered the house, adorned with broken crucifix and signs to honour the devil himself. They moved silently over the spider infested mattress and on to the last door.

Slowly the handle turned and in horror we stood at the opening. Walls covered in the script of beelzebub, words of evil from his worshippers and there in the centre a blood filled pentacle. I shivered and a wall of fear hit my body. Knives and daggers of an evil spirit lifted me in to the room. I breathed, "Dear God Almightly what is this?", just as Speedy lept in to the pentacle and started a dance. Just then I saw the words of the devil himself on the ceiling above her. Satan is here.

Up your Bum, was cackling with delight at this then SLAM! and ferocious speed, the door banged shut with a deafening sound. We were trapped. "ARRRRRRGHHHHHHHTTTTSHHHHIIIIITTTTTTTT !" I screamed and those in Los Boliches could probably hear it.

In the devil's own lair and not a bloody fit bloke in sight. Once again, from nowhere the blood splattered She Cop stood in the doorway of the house of Satan and said "Hurry! There's cava out here."

Never did we sprint out and consume so much cava in our lives!

It was so terrifying we left the remaining bottle, no one was willing to go back alone and fetch it.

Every step on the windswept, howling tornado approaching was a joy after that.

When eventually we found the exit trail and were circle bound, we hurried back to count those that had survived. It was more like a scene from a horror film, than a horror film. Hashers, were shaking, drained of blood, shivering and confused, but ultimately glad to be alive.

The cops did a head count and were content that the numbers were the same , even if the bodies were not.

It's no wonder the circle ended abruptly and Simon the wigmaker would never be the same again. He is yet to be seen since, so I´m not sure if Kaka made up an apparition of him and in fact has him still tied to the walls of one of those abandoned houses.

Simon, if you are out there let us know that you are safe.

ON ON to the hostelry of the hares - Alex Alex who the fuck is Alex and Blown a Seal for a heart warming, safe and sound repast of Danish fare and gallons of red wine.

Or was it Simon and his blood we were served.

Shagadelic signed off with a 9.99 for the hares or a 666 on too much cava




4 weddings & 2 Funerals - 1,600th Run – Hares: ‘ Just say when´ and ‘Mummy’s Boy’

Run location: Setenil

On Sunday 14th October, having gathered at 11am, 50+ Happy Mijas Hashers set off from Miramar Fuengirola Beach hotel with great expectations of the day that lay ahead. Despite the rain our spirits were not dampened, with the promise of sun at 14.00!

Majestic clouds adorned the plains and craggy peaks as we wound our way upwards towards the 1st stop in our journey at El Cruce Restaurante.Upon reaching our coffee stop, we all piled out, donning sunglasses.

 There seemed to be some concern regarding the ability of the hares and others involved to provide sufficient nourishment to see us through the days physical demands, therefore some, considered that tucking into breakfast at mid-day was their best option. They need not to have such concerns as we were admirably catered for. ‘From Behind’ imbibed beer for his breakfast.

 Travelling on and arriving at the pretty village of Setenil we disembarked where Hash Haberdash did rather well with sales of warmer winter highland climate Hash gear! Congratulations Stiffanny for having this genre of Hash high fashion range!  The trail led us down through river beds and overhanging rock faces, then upwards along cobbled streets to the 1st beer stop, where we were drenched in sunlight, whilst being entertained by festive music wafting from within the walled village square, decked in bunting, while beautiful horses patiently waited for their masters outside the  impressive walled square. Bubbley went down well before making our way further upwards and  downwards along the river bed towards the medieval village streets where locals were enjoying the street stalls and local fayre, very tempting to just stop and enjoy! However it was well worth the efoort to follow the trail which emerged above the village with absolutely stunning views across the dwellings and to the hills and mountains beyond, fabulous view! The run finished wending our way through an olive grove and back to the bus and circle venue. The bus had had to have an official police escort through the village due to the festive time period, needless to say, this had not been on the Hares agenda! 55 runners gathered for the circle. Religious Advisors: ‘Sir Flakey’ with ‘Suxit’ ensured that ‘Rob The Knob’ enjoyed the pleasures of celebrating his 60th Birthday!  We remembered the dearly departed Tweetski Pie & Elephant Arse and toasted the 4 wedding couples: ‘StiffFanny’ & ‘Sir Flakey’, ‘Aqua Sex’ & ‘Bleeding Bush’, ‘One Tit’ & ‘HMV’, ‘Sandpaper Sally’ & ‘Rob The Knob’. Departing by bus to a caravan park camping area we enjoyed our ‘On On’  finishing the day around midnight with an emergency toilet stop called for on behalf of ‘Rob The Knob’ due to his over-dosing on 60 large shots of beer provided kindly by ‘Sir Flakey’ in the circle. So blame ‘Sir Flakey’ for the not so popular stop, where ‘From Behind’ had to be levered away from the coffee bar, of all things. There’s always one who takes advantage!! He certainly seemed to want to take advantage of ‘Speed Bump’ on disembarking outside the Fuengirola beach Hotel! Conclusion: Many thanks to the hares for a run well laid with an overall score of 9.2.

ON ON to next week’s run Sunday 21st kicks off at 3pm at ‘Knobs End’. On On to be held at poolside in the Knobbery Garden. Hares: Rob The Knob ‘RTK’  & Yours Truly: ‘Sandpaper Sally’.



Hash Scribe   Run Number 1599  7 Oct 2018

Hares – Colonic – From Behind – Five Knuckle         At  - Torreblanca

Once again we were in the very familiar territory of Tweesky Pie's house, although he is now no longer with us. The run began somewhat badly with a check. So for the first ten minutes the pack checked and checked without making any forward progress. Eventually the trail was found and we were off up a series of large tracks. I say up … well I mean up and up and, interminably … up. Eventually reaching the Beer Stop.

After a long pause, we continued on … and surprise, surprise we went down and down down ...back to the start.

Since GM Sir Flakey was absent, after his wonderful Wedding Celebration two days previous, the circle was taken by Assistant GM, Kindergarden Cop. Colonic, despite being hare, and at short notice, agreed to be RA.

Anniversarios were Community Chest 155 and Megasawarse 135 Runs. We had two visitors from Oslo, Alouete and Yoo Hoo along with the virgin, Helen.

The On On was at the Indian in El Coto and was much enjoyed, by me at least!

Your Scribe

Kindergarden Cop



Mijas HHH Run No 1597

“The Where is the Full Moon Run?"

(25th September 2018)

Sir Flakey, Colonic Irrigation and interfered with by 5-Knuckle Shuffle.

34 Hashers (including two virgins, care of Just Say When) met at the Fuengirola Ferria Ground to pay homage to the new quarter Full Moon. As it was still daylight we got 34 different answers as to where and when it would appear. In the end it chose not to make an appearance until going home time, despite Colonics sacrificing humans to the Moon God.

So after the usual number of false trails the group finally got the scent of the Hares and through the backstreets and sewers of Fuengirola and Los Boliches to our 1st BS on the promenade. A further short walk then took us through the restaurant area of Los Boliches, the Hares being very lazy, to the Pub “One Bar” for the 2nd BS. ....and so after causing much mayhem in the street the final sprint home back to the Ferria and the Circle.
GM for the run, Jizzical Fck introduced us to the two Virgins, Raymond (Just Say When’s brother) and Shawn who comes from Durham. We welcomed visitor Nickerless from Singapore.

Hares were brought into the Circle, and using Gestapo tactics, solicited scores of 9. Although given a credible 8.9 this was upgraded to a 9 when at last the Moon decided to show itself.

Due to the RA being this week’s Hare the Circle communion was ordained by Just In who called on a number of hapless Hashers into the Circle being:
Master Bates for a very fetching pink non-Hash T-shirt!
Sir Flakey for trying to get his car stolen at the Ferria Ground by leaving it open with the keys in!
Golden Cascade for the heinous act of both short and long cutting!
Aquasex for tempting her neighbour Gypsies to nick our beer!
Colonic for wearing new shoes. However it was noticed that a sneaky plastic cup was inserted into his shoe prior to down downing his beer. Hopefully the next RA will pick up on this cowardly act.
Yours truly, Muzzle-Im, for taking scribe notes and ignoring interpreting a Scottish poem to the group. Iced and down downed. Jolly UNFAIR.
Master Bates for something probably to do with GPS and sticking pins into mobiles was invited to be iced and sleeved, both to which he refused. No amount of cajoling could get him to play the game so GM was forced to move on.
5-Knuckle Shuffle for trying to be trendy with very expensive ‘cut away’ jean purchase, only for his dear sweet Mom to wash and patch them up!
Aquasex then gorillad Bleeding Bush by revealing he wants to Ebay his ROTA Run T-shirt!!

The GM finalised proceedings with anniversary down downs for:
Red Hot Chilli – 5 runs
From Behind – 20 runs
Jerry Can – 75 runs
Appy Ending – 85 runs
5-Knuckle Shuffle – 90 runs
Jizzical Fck – 250 runs
Karma Chameleon – 410 runs
Sir Flakey – 595 runs


With Circle closed those who did, trooped off to a well earned all-you-can-eat and drink at Buffet Libre where a new Hash game of 'non-musical chairs' was born whereby the losers would go home in a huff.

Your humble Scribe:




Run 1596 23rd Sept 2018

Hares Speed Bumps and Dead End.

30 plus hashers turned up on Mijas mountain to be greeted by the two cunning hares. Parking was restricted and it was quite entertaining watching hashers trying to put quarts into pint pots. Two dog offences before the run started and Ayam and Golden Cascade were suitably punished fot their pets demeanour.

So the run commenced and Just Say When led the pack off to the left. The hares were smiling. Why? Because they sent us on a long falsy so we had to return all the way back to the start to commence the run again. The trail took us up the mountain and after a while there was a split. Most of the hounds went off to the left and Just Say When to the right. Both were calling On but I gambled (correctly) and followed JSW to the right. After a while the trail took a turn to the left and we climbed up to a wonderful viewpoint where photos were taken and where we all enjoyed the spectacular 360 panoramic view.

After this it was a descent and then an ascent up to the beer stop. After refreshments the machos followed their trail and us whimps followed the road back to the circle. The circle was entertaining as per normal with many jokes about undertakers and following this we all headed back to Dead Ends house for the On on.

Hounds voted for a good run and a grand time was had by all.

On on CG.

 RUN NO:- 1595 The river Run

Hash Scribe   Run Number 1955  16 Sept 2018

Hares – Up Yer Bum – From Behind – Just  Say When         At  - Miramar Bridge

Well … finding the Run location was quite difficult given the rather poor directions. But once it got underway it proved to be a good Run, receiving a score  of 8.4. Leaving the circle we ran by the river, over the bridge on the sea front and continued a good way along before turning inland through Club La Costa. However we didn't travel very far into the campo, being mostlty on wide tracks close to the town. We continued on to the first Beer Stop and then again onto the second. Two Beer Stops - a popular arrangement with many of the hashers!

Thence to the final circle. This was taken by the Assistant GM,  Kindergarden, who told some of the most outrageously funny jokes that some people almost died laughing. (Well ...I'm writing this … and it's my memory!) Notable for a down down was Just Say When who hared two Runs in one weekend. Having organised the Malaga Hash route the previous evening. The RA was ill so the circle continued with Jerry Can bringing people into the circle, followed by gorilla down downs.

The On On was at Ringos and was a barbecue. Unfortunately we had to wait quite some time for the food to arrive and some of the meat was inedible when it did arrive, being burnt to a crisp on the outside and uncooked on the inside. However, since we managed to get a drink of pacharan at the end, that was all forgotten.

Your scribe

Kindergarden Cop




RUN NO:- 1594 Back to Skool at the English International College

HARES - Lilo Lil, Egg Shell Blonde and Sweet & Low

ANNIVERSARIOS:- 911 -10 runs, Mussl'im 15, Seaman Stains 185, Colonic 370, Just Say When 320 and Up Yer Bum 670

SCORE:- 8.9

Twenty odd schoolboys and schoolgirls turned out in their very smart, new uniforms for the start of the new year. Not a good start. The new headmaster, Kindergarden Kop couldn't find his way and turned up late, along with three other cars carrying students, The three monitors were called in to explain themselves before being made an example and punished in the usual way. Hope none of them are math's tutors as they don't know the difference between 1 (right) and 2 (rights).


Off on the first school run of the year, to be a weekly event, to counterbalance all those naughty drinks and sweets they would be taking during the year. Into the jungle like undergrowth and dried up RIVERBED, not more RIVERBED! A good nine, did we hear nine, not for the first time, kilometers which left most of the children tired and exhausted and one seriously dehydrated. Olaf, more used to snow than Sun, being a Viking and over competitive. more or less collapsed at the sight of one more, bloody great hill, in the full heat of the Sun. Fortunately a couple of Scramblers came by at the right moment and took him up the hill to the awaiting refreshments and delaying the school van getting back to the run start, until some two and a quarter hours from setting off.


The children gathered around to hear the  Ass istant Head Mr Paydophile  remark on their efforts. Two old students, Seaman Stains and Master Bates were given more refreshment, one for diving in a dry river bed, with noticeable injuries and the other for nearly dying out on the run. Two of the monitors, one who couldn't get the figure nine out of his mind, were rightly punished for spending money, not just on flash cars, but on each having personalised number plates, at a time when so many children could not afford a school uniform.


Finally the Headmaster asked the Children to mark the run. A shrewd bunch, not to be brainwashed with the figure, nine, but nearly. Eight point NINE was given and those that had been given pocket money went on to Ticky Tapas for school lunch'


ON ON Your School Reporter, Mummy's Boy 



Run 1593 - The Riverbed Run (Who said RIVERBED)


Just Say When and Stiffy

LOCATION: Somewhere past Enterrios

About 40 hashers made it to the run site despite directions from mummy's boy who doesn't know his left from his right.

Run was in 3 halves with 2 beer stops.

The first half took us straight away into a load of shiggy and we then picked up the first RIVERBED which had some lovely rock pools which most hot hashers cooled off in.

The end of the first half was a vertical scramble back up to the beer stop to be met by a swarm of very friendly wasps who decided to help themselves to all the beer and crisps. Time to move on quickly.

Second half started through a smelly pipe and more shiggy on to the driest RIVERBED in Spain. Miles upon miles across ankle breaking rocks with the odd bramble to rip tender hasher flesh.

Most of us were losing the will to live at this point especially our RA Colonic, moaning about RIVERBEDS for at least an hour.

Finally found the second very welcome beer stop for some more cold ones.

The thirs half was the highlight of the run. More like a scene from The African queen (you know the scene - Bogart  and the leeches). Up to our waists in some cooling running water, fabulous.

Unfortunately there was a wimps trails back to the end which most hashers took - lazy bastards so missing the best part of the run.

No hash stats this week as no anniversarios but run was awarded 8.9, I think.

On-on was excellent with BBQ food, salads and some great hash singing, another excellent Sunday.


Kattoy Boy from Saigon hash.


On-on Dogsy


Run 1593

The Riverbed Run


RUN:No 1592



Gang Bang and Elvis,



la Alalya.


Getting to the run was easy enough, I came alone with Sir Flakey, Stif Fanny, and two more guests of theirs from America. So no problem there. We arrived on time to find plenty of hashers already to go, 40+ I’m told, so the directions given by the Hares must have been pretty damn good.

The rest of my report is taken from a 5” x 4” soggy piece of paper, which is all that was on offer at the start of the circle, so if you appeared in the circle but not in the is report, it likely down to the invisible ink.



Malfunktion (Shetland H3), Limpio Punto and Camel Poo, (USA), and Flower Power.



Sir Flakey called the Hares in, and they proceeded to chalk us through the run markings. And off we went , or, on on we went if you prefer.

A bit of a rocket launch start, up up and away, ( I claimed Mt Kilimanjaro once, this was quite similar). The drink stop was well timed, most welcome and well and positioned, I arrived with the tail end ‘runners’ to find, well I didn’t actually find anything except the drink vehicle, everyone was hiding under a well crowned tree/ Bush, sheltering from the heat, one pair of legs vaguely visible gave the game away. On up a bit more, not quite to the moon.....then down down down, and that was it. A pretty neat, no messing around run.



Sir Flakey called the Circle to order and proceeded with several anniversaries

Number of runs:

Cabin Boy, 5

From Behind, 15

Over and Done with, 55

Desperate Dan, 60

Lilo Lil, 160

Sticky Tart, 270

Dicktaker, 50.


The GM then had Kannot Kan, on in, and berated him, ( or congratulated him, I couldn’t be certain), on KK’s previous run report, “Longer than ‘War and Peace’,”and containing secret abbreviations, that even the code breakers in the Second World War would have struggled with.

The GM then called in ‘Albert’....’ALBERT,’!!!! Exclaimed the hashshitically correct attendees.

The GM instantly gave himself a down down, and corrected himself, recalling Uncle (Albert) Fester to get himself on ice.


Hares in,

Gang Bang and the cool Young Elvis: what did we think of the run: Varied response as usual, resulting in a 6.9 average.

Kannot Kan on in,

he’s leaving, nice little down down, but....he’s not leaving yet, so maybe another leaving down down next run.

Flower Power in,

she’s lost and beautiful.

Visitors in,

..... limpo Punto and Camel Poo, ‘We’re on the road to Morocco’, except Camel Poo forgot her Passport, luckily StifFanny came to the rescue, and it turned out that half a day queuing in Morocco, is better than a whole day queuing in Morocco.


RA takes the circle.

I wasn’t sure if I should get down on my knees, or what. He Looked the real thing for a moment, and it was, just a moment!

Uncle Fester on ice....he’s the meanest.

Airbags on in....she’s a wanker,

At this point I’ve hit a soggy bit, so we move on,

7 year old Elvis in....., give us a smile, (which he did),1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and ‘drink it down down down down.

On in: Seman Stains and Desperate Dan, for dog poo in the circle, (I didn’t see them do it).

Pinocchio, for parking in the circle.

The two blondes, Titanic and Lost cause, for parking erratically., (looked ok to me).

Golden Shower on ice, RA indicates a nice long song to cool things down. Prick of steel comes across as appropriate, then everyone forgets the words.

RA points out, it’s the 40th anniversary for Egg Shell and Lilo Lille. Congratulations all round there.

Kinda Garden is in for, crisps and water, a likely mix. And at that stage my bit of paper was well gone, I’m writing on thin air.

Lovely day, lovely run and lovely bunch of hashers, I’ll be back. On on, Malfunktion.


Run #1591 – The Colonic Irrigation Birthday Run

Date & time:- Sunday 19th August 2018 12.00h

Location:- back of Lew Hoad Tennis Academy

Hares:- Colonic Irrigation and Five-Knuckle Shuffle

Pre-Hash Information

The run information on the website showed the date, time and a nice clear description of how to approach the runsite from either Mijas pueblo or the N340; however, no coordinates for the runsite were offered, which might be a handicap for visitors from far afield, deciding whether or not to attend. Perhaps the GM could encourage all hares to post the map coordinates as a matter of habit.

Likewise, there was a neat description of the On-On, but it was assumed that all attendees would know where El Coto is, and how to get there from the runsite; those who don’t know would then be left to pester their fellow hashers for directions after the circle, and still possibly risk getting lost on the way.

Finally: “LLC Clonk 630729769” is superfluous to those who know him, and incomprehensible to outsiders. MHROTD Clonk 57!


Fortunately, I had checked out the run details during the course of the week, with the purpose of getting my transportation arrangements made early for a change. Although I was surprised to see that the run would start at midday, it was a timely surprise, - far superior to a late surprise! I don’t remember another regular Mijas run (that is, with the exception of weekends away) starting so early – it had been suggested once, and the suggestion rejected with unbridled derision. “So,” I thought to myself, “I wonder what the pack will make of this?” Much was made, as will be seen in this Hash Report...

I had made an impromptu decision to attend Malaga Hash on Saturday, meeting up with Just Say When and Mummy’s Boy, who were also to give me a lift to Mijas Hash the next day. It’s worth mentioning because the Malaga Hash was a birthday run, and the on-on party lasted until well after dark. I surfaced none too bright-and-early on Sunday morning, with only just enough time – as I thought – to jump straight into my hash gear and bolt out the door to meet my lift. However, there was no response to my repeated calls and text messages to JSW/MB, and by about 11 o’clock I was beginning to resign myself to missing the run: finally JSW called me and said she was just looking for her hash gear, and as soon as she was dressed she and MB would come and pick me up. We made it to the Hash just on time; still, there were others who arrived even later than us.

Gathering Of The Pack

Approaching the runsite past the tennis academy, we saw at intervals along the road the letter-perfect hash calligraphy of the Hares, guiding us toward the designated spot – clearly the work of an educated and refined person: well done, that passer-by! A line of cars was parked by the roadside, and then just round the corner a dark green portable pergola! This was a very welcome sight, since the runsite affords little or no natural shade, and the weather was as hot as it had been over the past few weeks. So welcome was it, in fact, that it was already populated by a good dozen hashers, and practically none were visible outside of its confines for longer than needed to pay run fees and grab a cold drink. As more hashers arrived, so more piled into the shade of the pergola, until there was scarcely room to move.

At the appointed time, our esteemed GM, ‘Sir’ Flakey called the pack to order, and made the prefatory remarks, including appointment of this week’s scribe – with a reference to “War And Peace part 2” - and an apology for the ungodly starting hour! Roger The Cabin Boy and Chillian were identified as visitors; no returnees were announced. The Hares were then called in to give an account of their run, co-Hare Five-Knuckle Shuffle earning a sarcastic rebuff from the Hare for daring to intervene in the Hare’s monologue. Perhaps he was jealous of the announcement – made with some theatrical ado - that there would be ‘Plenty Of Shade’ on the trail. No explanation of Mijas H3 markings was deemed necessary for this pack, though as usual snippets were volunteered by Sir Flakey anyway. The announcement of a single beer stop was greeted with muted approval from a pack whose growing thirst was already becoming evident. Finally the twenty-six of us assembled, faces all squeezed together along one side of the pergola, for the traditional pre-Hash group photograph by stand-in Hash Flash Desperate Dan.

On On!

Off we went, down the road towards the junction with the road to the tennis academy, a few metres short of which trail turned right, taking us into a narrow gulley by way of a slope bedecked with a horrible rough concrete surface that had evidently been thrown into place without much thought. Slipping and sliding we went down, managing somehow to avoid being grated like raw vegetables by the time we hit bottom.

Continuing along the gulley we passed under bridges and through a couple of short-ish round tunnels, and then through a longer arched tunnel – always a temptation to give vent to a full-throated bawl of “ON ON!”, as demonstrated by yours truly – at the end of which we encountered a sudden drop to a lower level. The pack slowed a little, but the hazard proved no particular challenge even to the less athletic of us.

We continued with some difficulty along a narrow and stony gulley flanking a road, which naturally presented the temptation to climb out. I gave way to that temptation, following the road by the edge of the gulley. I though I was the only one to do so, but a couple of minutes later, after I had climbed back in as the gulley gave onto yet another tunnel, Dog’s Bollox’ smiling face appeared over the wall at the top – he had had the same idea.

The first thing I saw on climbing down to the tunnel entrance was a ladies’ shoe with a four-inch heel and brass stud decorations; I searched in vain amongst my fellow hashers to see if I could spot which forlorn Cinderella would be making her midnight subterranean escape. The next thing I saw was the ominous word “TORCH” marked in the hares’ immaculate script; fortunately some of us were thus equipped, and in true hash fashion, waited for the others not so well-found to catch up. It was as well we did so, because this was indeed a long... dark... tunnel, high enough to walk upright and flat underfoot for the most part, but dotted about to left and right with little piles of concrete where the workmen, having finished making a perfectly flat surface, had then simply dumped the tail ends of the mix. A five minute walk that seemed more like half an hour brought us back to daylight in a continuation of the dry creek.

Somewhat further along the creek bed, a sulphurous odour started to pervade the air. At a certain point, there was a sound of running water, and at the side of the creek a small stagnant pool: surely this is the signature of a Colonic Irrigation run! Yet further along, the creek gave out onto a broad dry river bed, where it wasn’t immediately apparent whether we should pursue left or right. Shortly Dipper discovered a check mark, broken in the direction of a ramped track, which we ascended only to find a false trail “F” mark at the junction with another road. There was considerable milling around amongst those present as we tried to make sense of the incorrectly broken check. Eventually, irregular Mijas hasher Five Mil, having ventured a fair way down the asphalt road, came back and reported having seen from above trail marks in the river bed, which we duly followed.

The next check was broken to the left, taking us out of the river and up a sloping dirt road onto a sort of moonscape, punctuated by electricity pylons and hosting a spread of machinery for grading stones. The path out of this desolate place was headlined by the black silhouette of a gigantic bull-board perched on the hill in the middle distance. We then entered the back end of a light industrial poligono, passing through onto a bridge across one of the motorways that slice through the area, then crossing over a busy road with crash barriers to reach a narrow dirt track that brought us to yet another dry river bed.

At this point, there were audible mutterings of speculation about how far it might be to the beer-stop. Then, all of a sudden, we stumbled across the long-awaited letters “BN” on the track ahead, and with renewed vigour the group of us picked up the pace and fairly bolted along the track to the mouth of – you guessed it! – a cavernous arched tunnel. One or two hashers had already ventured inside when common sense prevailed and they realised that they couldn’t see any trail markings. Small wonder – we had, in our enthusiasm for beer, overshot the trail markings leading up to the pavement to the right of the river bed!

The Beer Stop

And there it was, a couple of hundred metres away along the right side of the road, opposite the Parque Canino Guau Guau... (Who on earth thinks up those names?) A short trot brought us to the very welcome refreshment stop, where we were able to indulge in beer, tinto verano, and probably cake, as promised – though I didn’t see any... I have to say, the Hares lived up to their word on the matter of shade; the spot they had chosen for the beer stop was deliciously cool after the long slog in the sunshine from the last tunnel. It wasn’t long before we were off again into the heat, amidst a flurry of speculative commentary on the probable length of the home-trail.

On Home

Any such speculation was quickly cut short by our swift arrival back at the runsite – scarcely time to glug down a ‘roadie’! Most of the way was on asphalt, though we may have taken in another section of dry river bed on the way. My memory fails me, and since all my electronic apparatus had done likewise before even the start of the run, I am left with no option but to make it up as I go along. Fortunately for the Hares, I can’t imagine a better home trail than the one they set – see how my imagination fails me too! Once home, as you may imagine, the pack lost no time grabbing cold drinks and piling under the pergola once again.

The Circle

Sir Flakey called the Circle to order, and we got down to the business of the day, offering our judgments of the Hares’ efforts. As expected, most of the pack accorded the run moderate to good marks based on the quality and length of the trail, the duly observed promises of plenty of shade – not to mention complete darkness for a section, the provision of a pleasant and well-appointed beer stop. However... and this is a BIG however, points were deducted in various measure for the egregiously uncivilised early start – for which no satisfactory explanation was volunteered (none that your scribe heard, anyway). The final aggregate score was nevertheless a solidly respectable 8.7.


Next came the Anniversarios (Hash awards for run tally): Mijas Hash purportedly makes these awards every five runs accumulated by a member, but occasionally a tally is announced that is clearly not divisible by five, as seen below. This week, it was the turn of the following:

From Behind – 14 runs

Dog’s Bollox – 755 runs

Mummy’s Boy – 620 runs

5-mil – 360 runs

Community Chest – 150 runs

MegaSoreArse – 135 runs

SheepShagger – 110 runs

That’s a whole lotta dedication, fellow hashers!


Now, since our beloved RA was on this occasion not only a Hare but also a Birthday Boy, and thus lined up for the ritual birthday humiliation that is routinely meted out once a year to each unfortunate hasher, it was decided to toast him before conducting the habitual Hash inquest.

Since he had had the foresight to make suitable provisions in advance, it fell to Sir Flakey to call the Birthday Boy into the Circle and sit him on the block of ice the Birthday Boy himself had so thoughfully provided for the purpose. Now typically when toasting a hash birthday, the happy birthday subject is regaled – if that is the proper word – with a cake, ‘baked’ fresh in the Circle with the crucial support of the subject’s head, suitably encircled with a party hat. On this occasion, it was deemed that, given the unearthly hour of the run start, a Hashy Burpday Breakfast would be more apposite. A ‘breakfast bowl’ was thus procured, in the shape of a sunshade, fitted upside down on the head of our subject, and breakfast chef Sir Flakey set to.

But did we have proper ingredients for a hash breakfast? Miraculously, a couple of eggs were produced from a pocket by Dipper, and duly cracked into the breakfast bowl by the chef; two sausages were then unexpectedly volunteered by Sheepshagger, and after a moment’s tenderising against the Birthday Boy’s cheeks they were squished on top of the eggs. Was the Birthday Boy still hungry? Of course he was – just beginning! Just by chance, Desperate Dan had an open can of baked beans at the ready, and these followed the eggs and sausages into the breakfast bowl, now full to the brim. Then Mummy’s Boy followed up with a garnish of a can of chopped tomatoes, causing the breakfast mix to overflow down the Birthday Boy’s shoulders. Time then for the chef to have a quick wash-up into the bottomless wash-bowl the Birthday Boy held in his lap, and breakfast was prepared. But wait! What about a breakfast drink? A breakfast teabag was plopped into a glass of beer for the purpose and presented to the happy diner. A little extra sweetness? Kannot Kan produced a bag of sugar, and the Birthday Boy was suitably sweetened. 5-mil then brought home the bacon; two rashers were duly tenderised and added to the feast. Chocolate powder sprinkle from MegaSoreArse, a decorative squirt of whipping cream from Pussy Galore, and a final dousing of orange juice from Sir Flakey completed the picture.

To a rousing chorus of “Happy Birthday” we toasted the Hare’s attainment of fifty-seven years: rarely if ever has a Hash Birthday been so fulsomely celebrated. Fortunately for us, Desperate Dan lent his smartphone for the purpose of recording the event, and your scribe duly performed the duty, the results of which appear on the Mijas H3 facebook page.

Our ever-svelte RA having stepped out of the Circle for a post-prandial sluice-down, an able stand-in was called to duty, in the no less svelte form of Dipper. Dipper set to with gusto and much aplomb, calling out sundry hash chargees for infractions real or imaginary. The Circle was in a mood of high merriment throughout, and your scribe was so overcome with mirth that he failed to take notes of who and what were the subjects of the various charges. Suffice it to say that justice was doled out, down-downs were drunk, and down-down songs belted out with glee.


Charges done, and with a suitable pause in the general hilarity, a rather damp representative of next week’s Hare (for it was he, our svelte and beloved RA) was invited to step up and tell us about next week’s run: Gang Bang and Itchy are setting trail at Atalaya Macorra, the run to start at – a slight cough of embarrassment from Colonic Irrigation as he announced it – the VERY civilised hour of 5pm.

On On

On that happy note, the Circle drew to a close and the pack repaired to the Palace of India at El Coto for a feast of South Asian treats and wine. It was an agreeable repast, at EUR15 a head, and all settled to enjoy the mellow atmosphere of the On On. Then at a certain point mention was made of the names of some of our fellow hashers that were notable for their absence from the joyful proceedings of the day; it was further mentioned that they might be found carousing at a different establishment not so far away...

As the diners drifted away to their various ports of call, some of us decided to go and investigate at El Brujo, and thus discover what was the occasion for the division of our close-knit community. Sure enough, on arriving there we found a separate set of diners, drawn from our number, enjoying a delighfully private late lunch. I never did get to the bottom of their decision not to patronise the Palace of India – maybe they don’t like spicy food. Nevertheless, we latecomers, having signalled our disappointment to the absconders, then occupied a couple of tables and promptly launched into further rounds of beer and wine.

Eventually, conversation took a turn for the maudlin – as it tends to do with a surfeit of good cheer on a Sunday afternoon, and as earnest entreaties were voiced by some that others should learn to take care of themselves properly, homeward bound was signalled. Thus, with many a fond “Cheerio!” we dispersed into the gloaming...


On On On...

Kannot Kan


Run 1590 - The Wedding Run

Run Number: 1589

Date: 5th August 2018
Location: Casa Sir Flakey & Stiffanny
Hares: Stiffanny and Streaky
Runners: 46
Run Score: 9.3
Anniversaries: Shmoosky 55, Appy Ending 80, French Erection 110,
Colonic 365, Golden Cascade 415, Stiffanny 415

We all arrived at Stiffanny's for the 5 pools run
A beautiful day it was going to be fun
We had some visitors from somewhere Germanic
But we think one of them was definitely Hispanic
We also had a virgin from Brazil named Edison
The jury was out as to whether this was his medicine
Our first stop was at the pool of Dipper's
Some jumped in but there were no strippers
Many just sat down in one of the pews
Cocktail in hand and admired the views
Once we had a few of Stiffanny's screwdrivers
We started to wonder if there would be any survivors
Then it was on to the pool of Titanic
And at first we began to panic
But there was really no need for caution
As she appeared with some vodka concoction
Next it was on to the pool of Bleeding Bush
Where many jumped in or were given a push
How many could we get into the pool
I've no idea but it was bloody full
On again serenaded with music from Seaman Stains
We were on to the pool of the gorgeous Danes
Now someone shouted tits out for the boys
But none were falling for one of these ploys
Even Titanic kept hers under wraps
So it was down to Gardener to get out her baps
Then it was another cocktail called Seabreeze
We were starting to enjoy all these freebies
Next it was back to Stiffanny's where we started
But there was to be more laughter before we parted
Colonic was called to the floor to entertain us
Whilst his son Elvis took shots at his anus
Stiffanny disappeared and spent much time in her kitchen
Only later to come out with platters of chicken
And with her profit of 250 euros
She donated it to the charity she chose

Scribe: Bloody Pinocchio

Mijas H.H.H Run Number 1588  Sunday 29th July 2018.                                                                                     

Location Elviria.

Hares Sweaty Orifice & Speed Bumps

To start or not to start that be the question? 11a.m or 4p.m? After lots of protestations a later start it was. Still sweltering hot but thirty three hardy hashers convened after good co-ordinates and an easy tarmac drive to the start position.

A hare or not a hare? That be the second question. Accredited to Speed Bumps and Sweaty Orifice alas no show from Speed Bumps. Heinous crime even a flogging the madding crowd protested! Where was she? At a party!! Well I never.  How can she have the audacity to show up at future runs? How can she ever face the wrath of our G.M Flakey and dare I say it the R.A Colonic Irrigation's cleansing? All will be revealed. Watch this space!!!

We were promised a gentle level run with campo, shade, beach and two drink stops. How welcome that was. Sweaty Orifice didn't disappoint. A well marked track with a little scramble kept the pack together. Three kilometres  in we arrived at the first drink stop. Convivial, social interaction and slurping the cooled beers we slipped into our comfort zones and stayed rather a long time. On on called and we set off to the second drink stop down towards the carreteria, over a bridge onto the beach at Elviria. Navigating the trail we passed a rock, " Sweaty and Speedy was ere!!!" How reassuring when Speedy hadn't even made an appearance!

Sashaying along the sand then back into campo anticipating another cooling beer, all hopes were second beer stop. A barrier mysteriously appeared to prevent car access. No car no drink stop ...Pussy then went into overdrive convinced of the trail and instructing the pack accordingly, unfortunately, we were then going the wrong way.  Undeterred, we pressed on to the correct route with the promise of a haunted house. Hot, sweaty, thirsty but enthusiastic we discovered a former Guardia Seville barracks not quite haunted but old. A little like us hashers. With verve and tenacity we pressed on into a well shaded river bed finally arriving back after seven kilometres in total.

Sir Flakey  G.M and Colonic R.A. amused and entertained as usual. A triple birthday celebration ensued. Band Aid, Desperate Dan for real and Ginger Minge was caked for snitching on his daughter Band Aid. Hashy Birthday was sung and a celebratory cake mixed a la tete...

A stand in French Erection was look a like for Speed Bumps ( Specsavers eat your heart out) and Sweaty Orifice to receive hash marks. Mummys Boy computed an 8.7 average understanding it would have been more if the promised second drink stop had manifested. Sweaty then explained that a coded barrier had been lowered on the access road to the second beer stop. Despite Sweaty's sprained ankle the baying crowd shouted " bring a hacksaw next time "

Anniversarios: Clogg Dancer 55, Gardener 60, Salty Rim 20, Eggshell Blonde 170, Jerry Can 170, Pussy Galore 305, From Behind 11, Bloody Pinochio 30.

A great run then on on at Wakatapas for more social intercourse. Most convivial!!

Scribed by Eggshell


Run Report: Sunday 22nd July 2018

Run Number 1587. “Red Dress Run”

Location: Malaga City.

Hares: Pussy Galore, Desperate Dan & Aqua Sex.

It was that time of the year that Mijas H3 athletes are requested to attend the run in “Red Dresses” it is a worry that some “male” hashers are a little on the keen side to slip into something that shows all their best features, and No your bums did not look BIG in any of the manly outfits, more on this later.

The arranged meeting place was Fuengirola train station at 12.00 mid-day, “Speed bumps” was on hand organising the group as they arrived, this was an easy task when they All stood out in their various Red dress attire! People had travelled far and wide for this even “Beaugest” was here to torment us again.  The train departed on schedule and “Up your Bum” wasted no time in collecting money for this chosen charity “AVOI” for the Materno Infatil de Malaga Hospital in Malaga, a very worthy cause.

On arrival in Malaga central the train carriage had been nearly filled to capacity with new Red dressed hashers boarding on route, from the station there was a short walk to the front entrance of the Malaga port to meet up with “Pussy Galore” and the Organisers of the “AVOI” charity, money collection cans were passed out and a circle called to the amusement of the passing locals and tourists. With the hash markings and formalities over with the run got under way, we were promised two beer stops, no hills and a pleasant walk thru town, we were not disappointed, the trail set off up Calle Larios, the sight of “Kannott Kan” in his over the top Transvestite attire had the children fleeing in all directions, “From the Back” the bearded pregnant lady did not fool anybody! On up Larios the pack went, tins rattling frightening locals and tourist alike requesting that they part with their unwanted coins, they all did this to avoid having to face up to “Clogg dancer” who looked like an out of work bouncer in a dress! “Streaky” was getting plenty of looks from all the gentleman in her voluptuous 1960 Soviet airline stewardess in full flight ----

From Larios (After a Song check) we headed to the right hand side thru a narrow Calle, “Froggy” even managed to get a little shopping in!!! on up and our first beer stop, 40cents Cana`s were handed out to very one except “Up your Bum”, “Clonic” ( I knew I should not have had 3 glasses!!) whilst quaffing our well-earned beer we took the opportunity for a video shoot for “I’ll be seeing you” looking forward to seeing it posted !!! Simply lovely. On On again and up to El Pimpi restaurant for more persuasive tin rattling and more tourist harassment to make them cough up some cash for a worthy charity, “Just keep that “Tranny” away from my children and I will pay”!!! Was the usual response, regrouped and a hash photo in front of the Roman Amphitheatre was called, a great photo for the archives, 10 meters further on was a lone South American Busker who got an instant party group in the way a the passing MIjasH3 dancers, lead by Mr, elastic legs himself “Uncle Fester”, it took quite a while to get the group to move on as a festival mood had kicked in!! On On eventually along the main road to another photo shoot with the Castle as the back drop, great photos for the grand kids, says “Sticky tart” the next drink stop was only 5 minutes up the road, we were greeted by “Pussy” and “Desperate Dan” with refreshing “Vino Tinto” in a beautiful road side stop, from here there was a leisurely stroll thru the new port area admiring “Karma Chameleon’s” new cruising yacht!

The run finished on the road out to the cruise ships & Aircraft carriers! With plenty of linear shade in the way of a palm team the circle was called, the GM in his usual “Blue” attire brought in our three guest from the “AVOI” charity, who took their “Down downs” in true hash fashion, next the anniversaries: “Aqua Sex” and 5 Knuckle shuffle 85 runs, Desperate Dan 55 runs, Kindergarten Cop (with nipple clamps) 525 runs (Sad buggers!) Next came the Hares in, they were duly awarded 9.4 for a very enjoyable stroll thru Malaga city whilst  collecting for a worthy cause, our Religious Adviser “Clonic” then cleansed all those “male sinners” and made them promise not to dress like that again --- until next year! 

On On On was a great little Tapas bar in the port.

Thanks to the hares for a great day out and hope we have made some much needed cash for the “AVOI” charity.   


On On forever, YMWGM  Sir Flakey, Be seeing you !!!  

Run 1586

 ANNIVERSARIOS:- Kan not Kan 15, Just Say When 315, Up yer Bum 665SCORE:- 7.6

A mixture of twenty six footie fans and non- believers gathered at the Hares new home. So new, that the furniture had only been delivered the day before and our television technician, Egg Shell Blonde was beaming his Scouse tele onto the new box via a telephone link as we congregated.

Fortuitously, the valley beside Knob's End had been ploughed that very week enabling the Hash to climb without the nuisance of all the usual Summer prickles. Up to the haunted ruin, home to hundreds of bats in years of Hash's past.

Up through a hole in the fence, still there having been made by Mummy's Boy nearly 20 years previous when it was erected illegally. Up to a magical ruin and viewpoint looking out along the coast, where we sat and enjoyed a well earned beer.


Over the edge and down a steep, rock strewn hill (Knobs Hill?), back to the ON IN. Most took a short cut, thanks to some over zealous calling, which took the pack back to the Bat House and a return on the Out Trail.


A few beers and a quick dip and the circle was convened.A number of returners were asked where had they been. Anniversarios were both praised and called sad bastards and the run was scored. Mummy's Boy pointed out that it was the first run he ever set, nearly twenty years previous and many similar runs since. Generally thought a little short but a fine effort for a first run on new territory for the Hares and an area teaming with future possibilities. A score of 7.6 was awarded.


Sandpaper Sally was praised for her horticultural efforts - planting bulbs in her new plant pots, but as hare her time might have better spent setting the run, preparing food or putting the beer on ice! Obviously she thought they were fast growing Iris's!


It was a knitting circle, lazing on loungers and sitting. No crossing of legs and drinks in the left hand only. No problem until you put it down and pick it up with your right. Several dumbheads were brought in and chastised.


The usual camel toe inspection was foregone and replaced by a review of male genitalia. 

Kan not Kan was brought in, in his Speedo's and accused of hiding a banana in them (and not the customary can or two!) and Mummy's Boy was singled out for his well packed Hash Cycle Shorts.


Finally a Christening was needed and. Rob the Knob and Sandpaper Sally knelt as flour and beer were thrown over the House. It would no longer be known as No 10 or Casa Cascada, forthwith it would officially be known as KNOBS END.


The Indian Menu del Dia takeaway had arrived and it was coming up to four o'clock. A generous selection of starters, popperdoms, nan bread and individual curries washed down by a decent wine followed.


Our television technician, revved up the screen and gave us a blast from the past with a screening of the 2006 and 2007 Summer Camps. What a fine looking body of Hashers we were in those days


and on that thought your Scribe, Mummy's Boy, will sign off. ON ON

Run 1585

Sunday 8 July

Hares: Golden Cascade and Kindergarden Cop

he Driving over Pissed-On Lemons Run”

e title refers to some obscure novel about a couple of newly wed Brits trying to find a house in an unspoilt and idyllic part of Spain. The hubby, Robert the K, already enjoyed a certain amount of fame before writing the novel, as he had been the shoe polisher of the Bay City rollers. It's a long story, but finally they ended up buying some shack between a golf course and a motorway on the Costa del Sol. Also interesting to know, perhaps, is that next week's r*n will be held from this shack and there will be a World Cup extravaganza with the Belgium versus Croatia match to follow.

 idea where the lemons come into that story, but on today's r*n we had plenty of lemons, courtesy of GC and KK. They were strategically placed by a tree, so that all 15 Hash dogs had a chance to sprinkle them generously. Blue even decided to cut a loaf right on top. Jyzzical Ferk arrived a wee bit on the late side, so had no idea of the added flavour, and decided to put several lemons in his pocket. If life gives you lemons...

But first, a fairy tale:

Once upon a time, in an Urban Jungle far far away, there lived a couple of Estate Agents, Hansel Clonk and Gretel Bang. They had numerous sons and no matter how hard they worked, all the money went on Play-stations and Armani Jeans with holes in them. One day, the sons got together and decided that drastic action was needed. The new iPhone 11 was about to be released and they were starting to panic. They called a meeting with the hapless couple and told them to go out into the jungle to find a sales opportunity pronto. Thus they set on their way – it was an arduous task, all they saw at first were several time-share shacks, which they had decided to steer well clear off. However, suddenly in a clearing amongst the luscious trees they saw a magnificent abode! It was spectacular and they ran towards it. All around the palatial residence there were signs saying “sell me, sell me!” and they immediately started to conjure up the spiel they would give their prospective clients, the commission they would earn and whatever makes estate agents cream their pants.

Then, a charming lady slowly opened the door, accompanied by the soothing tones of bag-pipe music and smiled at them. “Would you like to come in for a viewing?”, she offered. Little did they know that this was the 'Appy Witch... and they went in without a second thought. Next thing you know, they are locked in a cage and the 'Appy Witch is telling them about the fate that awaits them: “I will keep you here until you are starved and skinny and then I will put you on the barbecue, ha ha ha !” Clonk protests: “Now wait a minute, you've got that the other way round – you are supposed to fatten us up!” The Witch replies: “No, sorry, but I'm on a strict diet and I can only eat scrawny humans...” She then adds: “Looking at you Clonk, it will take weeks before you get skinny enough, but it will be worth the wait”.

And so our heroes find themselves trapped in a beautiful abode with nothing to eat, waiting for the threatened barbecue. The only thing she feeds them are thimbles of shrimp cocktails and morsels of lettuce. The Witch, who is a bit short-sighted, also tells them that Clonk will have to stick his little finger out from between the bars to check on his girth. But Clonk wasn't born yesterday, so he decides to stick something else to the witch – the only part of his body that is thinner and smaller than his little finger... and the witch is fooled! She immediately starts up the barbecue with vigour – flames are shooting up to the ceiling and smoke billows. In her excitement, she has already opened the cage and doesn't notice through the smoke screen that Clonk has escaped. She bends over the Barbecue and Clonk pushes her in! She sizzles and pops and turns into a blackened mass in just a few seconds. Clonk helps Gretel out of the cage and they flee rapidly – running towards the nearest Macdonalds, where they eat happily ever after.

Oh yes, the r*n...

What do I remember about it? It was hot... and there wasn't a tree in sight. However, the Hares had decided that they would provide some shade by sending us through a marines obstacle course overhung by spiky reeds. A great Hash, of course. Initially, there was some disturbance with some little boy squirting out all kinds of agonizing noise through a bugle, but that was quickly sorted out by Lip Service. The little boy can now never fart unnoticed again.

The Hares got a well-deserved 7.8 for their effort – some points were distracted for trying to steal the left-over flour. Kindergarden claimed he had taken it to bake some lemon pie later on, but we all know better than that.


Tittanic 15 , Seaman Staines 180 , Yogi Bear 225, Jyzzical Ferk 245 and Aphrodisiac 260 r*ns.

Lip Service was finally able to put her generous mouth around the Royal Pewter Mug that comes with 50 runs as well.

Lost Soles:

Yogi and Colonic Irrigation had some trouble following the river, but fortunately, Golden Cascade gave them some ace directions over the phone, so they were able to rejoin the fold.

Return Knees:

Rob the Knob and Sandpaper Sally came back from their honeymoon - they had decided to get married outside Spain to avoid loads of Hashers flooding the ceremony, nevertheless Pinocchio, Happy Days, Dipper and Gobbiechov had made the Channel crossing as they did not want to miss the Wedding of the Year.

Finally, Kindergarden Cop had given the run co-ordinates for Africa, so Seaman Staines, 'Appy Ending, Steven No Name and Smoochy accompanied Elephant Ass across the Sea of Alboran to find this mythical run site. They said farewell to him soon after they set off and he continued his journey alone thereafter. Happy travelling buddy, hope you will have many great runs out there!

Just In



Run number 1583 Saturday 30th June. Hares Sir Flakey and Stiffanny.

Mijas Hash "" Back to the Bush " Campout week-end at Camping La Bolera Sierra del Pozo Friday 29th June to Sunday 1st July.

Friday evening 29th June forty five or so motley hashes arrived in dribs and drabs anticipating a weekend of debauchery, dalliances, booze and some exercise....It didn't disappoint! Good food, great music, dancing, singing and wingeing. There is always one! New friends, old friends, decrepid friends, fat friends, thin friends but one common goal. We will have a good time. We certainly did.

We drove in convoy some 40 plus hashers to an area in the Sierras near Lake Bolera. Our hares announced at our own peril we did the macho route..not for the faint hearted. Narrow paths skirting a very steep gorge to start then up up up to panoramica vistas,waterfalls, lakes, campo and of course beneath the searing heat of the midday sun.

So two trails. The machos set off to begin the perilous climb. Actually not too bad. Fleet of foot and steady of limb we all managed very well. Then the tunnel. Lilo with very limited knee bend had to go on all fours and poor Mega Sore Ass nearly lost his nose up anal treat. Surviving the ordeal more up, then more up, then more up and low and behold we met the wimps. More up. Eventually a nicely graded meandering path to enjoy the views and get the heartbeat down but then an arrow...Quelle horreur...... pointing up. Up again? N,est-pas possible!! Many expletives......up and up and up. Weary limbs. Eventually the much needed down. A gentle meander to an oasis of river, waterfall, beer and rest. Beautiful. A swim in a waterfall, a paddle in a river or social interaction with the lame and the infirm. Most welcome. The wimps steadily arrived. After the beer stop onward in a more gentle fashion back to the cars to drive a short distance to Lake Bolera for the circle.

Fortunately a seated circle imbibing our cold drinks and eating freshly prepared wraps for lunch. Thanks to Stiff, Sticky and Streaky. The water was gorgeous.

Our R.A introduced the iced vagina as a suitable punishment to atone for our sins. He struggled rather to inflate the vag " Lacking technique and practice I guess" but eventually got there. Sinners atoned and anniversarios announced we belly laughed our way at Colonics sermon.

Returning to camp we enjoyed a feast at the campsite restaurant and tripped the light fantastic until wearily we collapsed to bed.

    Run number 1584 Sunday July 1st. Hares Elvis aged 8, Sir Flakey past it and Siffanny up for it.

Another stunning day. After a hearty cholesterol ridden bacon fest the Hair of the Dog Run. A wee amble not. It was a proper run set by our hares early that morning. God bless them. Most of the group took part.... Lovely campo. meandering paths, undulation, panoramica vistas and a stunning gorge.The pack were reasonably intact with hearty voice and good intent. The first beer stop was at the lake where the infamous floating bar was resurrected. Rehydrated in the balmy water we then set off to the second beer stop.

The path overlooked a huge gorge and we meandered along until we stopped a convenient place. Tinto Verano in hand we then clambered to a view point overlooking Cazorla National Park. A feast for the eyes. Words cannot express the sheer magnificence of the scenery. Most humbling in it,s glory. Elvis our hare led us back to camp where the circle convened.

So many high scores. An average of 9.5. Well deserved. A renaming of Dry Bollocks to " Pending " ( Load of bollocks to me ) and two christenings Garibaldi and Hairy Harry Hill. Welcome to you all. Anniversarios  Garibaldi 10, Quicksand 50, Itchy 65, Salty Rim 20, Sticky Tart 265, Uncle Fester 270, Colonic Irrigation 360, Stiffanny 410, Swiss Roll 530 and the saddest of all Mummies Boy 615.

The weekend was possibly the best ever. There was something for everyone. Sir Flakey and Stiffanny had surpassed previous glories. Everyone had an absolute blast. Many people mucked in to assist and you know who you are which all added to the joy of the event. On On to next year and on on Mijas Hash.

Scribed by Eggshell a.k.a Lilo

Date: Sunday 24th June
Run No. 1582

Hares:              ‘Kan Not Kan’ was the hare [singular] of the day and achieved an amazing triple option run for the main pack, ‘Walkers (wankers)’ and Old Farts Stroll (OFS).   Set on the outskirts of Alhaurin, the meeting point was given by Geo Co-Ordinates thus allowing all the Millennials to easily find the meet point.   The narrative directions on Facebook did however require a significant degree of informed interpretation and the GM was noted to comment that the directions might have been easier to follow if the number of street lights on-route were also recorded (552 was the GM’s best understanding).  Added to which the number of Ferreteria’s seen whilst driving through the town and passing Mrs Miggins’s Pie Shop may have been helpful.   The ‘X’ marks the stop in the middle of the meeting field was noted to be off-centre by an Easting error of 200mm.   The normal ‘HHH’ direction signs were not used to guide the Hashers to the meet point as the GM still had them in his car, the Hare however improvised with a form of HHH hieroglyphic.

The Run:          The Hare confirmed the trail markings for the day to be traditional MH3.   Three run options were well described and the inclusion of two Beer Stops gave the pack good comfort.   The pack being of sound mind and capability, no one was seen to take the OFS route and most enjoyed a mix-n-match run using the main trail and the ‘W’ trail.   This was significantly helped by the cleverly inter-woven routes crafted by the Hare.   The first leg of the trail to BS1 was through the wooded foot-hills of the region and gave the pack a challenging mix of forest tracks, trails and rocky climbs.   All markings were clear and the Hares ‘special edition’ dibber especially fabricated for the day proved its worth.   During the complex rocky section the ‘On-On’ blobs were at 2m spacing.   Notwithstanding, Mega-Sore-Arse succeeded to recover from a major trip on this section bloodied but otherwise unharmed.   BS1 was sited at a well-constructed forest meet point and beers enjoyed; however the eggy crisps and ‘olive & anchovy’ crisps were open to mixed reviews.   It was at BS1 when the Harriet’s engaged in some ‘upskirting’ selfie shots – all within the constraints of current Criminal Law.   A range of emerging offences started to mature and these are recorded later.   The second leg from BS1 to BS2 was again a carefully structured mix for the pack to take either the main trail of the ‘W’ trail, most took the ‘W’ trail.   Good views, good shaded trails and a mixed running terrain made for a good leg to BS2.   BS2 was well positioned and again offer the necessary recovery beer-foods-beer for the pack.   It was at this point that the ‘W’ route was also considered to be the ‘Wise’ trail.   The last leg of the trail was mainly on tarmac and this did bring some criticism later-on in the Circle.   But here again the route did offer excellent views and the topiary Cork Oaks were quite impressive.   The pack sadly lost direction on the last leg and some hashers were lost (succumbed to the nearby bars).   The run was awarded a score of 8.6 by the circle

The Circle:       Sir Flakey held the circle and was seen to be overly kind to those testing the camping chairs for next weekend.   With the aid of the special GM clip-board and snitching, Sir Flakey gave out the duly necessary punishments where needed.    Matters of the Circle included:

Visitor / Virgin:            Tom (Friend of ‘From Behind’) was lost on the last leg and never seen again.   Tom was noted to have had 7 Vodka-Red Bulls for breakfast.

Anniversaries:              Musalim 15; Lilo Lil 155; Karma Chameleon 400; Golden Cascade 410.


RA’s cleansing:            Cleansing of the hashers soles included; Shaggy – serious abuse of a sock and fouling the trail in sight of the cars; Speed Bumps – overzealous celebration of San Juan and sharing her ‘white bikini bum’ with everyone at the festival and to the particular pleasure of some Argentinian males;

On After:         At the Venta el Nacimienot with a slightly reduced attendance due to losses en-route.   Good food and wine was enjoyed by all.    ‘From Behind’ made friends with a Stag Beetle and for some reason allowed it to sleep on his chest.   This proved to be a challenge as the exuberance of Clog Dancer’s farewell my have been fatal for the poor beetle.   Forgiveness will be sought.

On-On, Clog Dancer.  


Date: Sunday 17th June
Run No. 1581

Location: Old Coin road
Hares: Streaky & From Behind

Score: 8.5
Lip Service 50 runs
Eggshell Blonde 165 runs
Just In 235 runs
Just Say When 310

What a lovely run, it was a nice hot Sunday afternoon perfect for a walk / run (for the front running B’stards).
We had a lovely Tinto stop which allowed everyone to catch up and go down to the water or if like me take the wimps trail and miss the water, up to the beer stop . After the beer stop it was a lovely walk back to the circle.
At the circle we had a naming.
On On
5 Knuckle Shuffle


Run number 1580 Lauro Golf Sunday 10th June.

Broke-back Mountain , 2 Gay Germans, A.K.A “Beer Stop Closed For Refurbishments” Run.

Scribe Eggshell Blonde. Scouse-English translation Lilo Lil, Hares Rubherturd and Kanute.(The Germans)

A good turn out of around 30 runners arrived after negotiating a very uneven, rocky, overgrown, non car friendly track. Several groans about cars scratched & suspension knackered as a result of their endeavours.

Included in the motley crew was Clare a virgin arriving late after following the Hares coordinates via the Sea of Tranquillity and Apollo 11s Moon debris. Her first outing to savour the wonderful scenery and enjoy a beer stop with a view.....not. With such numbers Stiffany seized the opportunity & bullied everyone into buying hash haberdashery by foul means not fair!

Hardy and enthusiastic we were on an 8 or 9 kilometre hike through campo, woods, meandering paths climbing gradually the hilly terrain was not unreasonable. As usual Sweaty Bollocks had to be an F.R.B. Competing in every way to stay ahead.

Lilo announced at the fist check she wasn't doing any today! DIDN,T LAST LONG. On checking around Speed Bumps reported a man high on the hillside masturbating . (she then quickly disappeared)

The pack quickly became dessimated as the run was more of an afternoon hike enabling the fitties to move way ahead and the slowies to salivate at the prospect of a beer stop/rest........not.
Onward and upward we manouevred over a German Antfest created with flour strategically placed on a obstructing log. The sun beating down. Brows furrowed and chests expanded. Social interaction diminishing as peoples legs heavied. Beer,beer,beer? An oasis of rest?.................NO. THE GERMANS REFUSED US.

Nearly 2 hours later for the front runners and sadly three hours for Kindergarden Cop and Gobichov (after a search party had been looking for them) we eventually could imbibe and refresh our de- hydrated bodies. Poor Gobi was most uncomfortable as this was too much for the metal hip!

Eventually Flakey convened a circle only to be interrupted by a Spanish ranger photographing all of our vehicles number plates which apparently were illegally parked and were a fire hazard. Ominous after a heated exchange earlier between myself, Semen and Karma regarding foreign car eligibility in Spain for which I was subsequently iced!!! Bloody German's fault.After Golden Cascade prostrated herself and sweet talked the Spanish Official he allowed us to remain.

Circle reconvened. Flakey was in earnest not to persuade the group to mark the run hash shit. As if !!! Just say when was twitching to remove the toilet seat from her neck and swiftly the consensus was hash shit. Unfortunate as with a Beer Stop it could have been an 8+ The Hairs looked distinctly miffed and protested “Ve dont have zee Beer Stops in Ting Tong Land” as they where duly iced!

As usual the R.A Colonic amused and insulted us, particularly the Germans who were sat on ice for a lengthy period.
Anniversarios were French Erection 105 and Kindergarden Cop 520.

Redemption time.

OnOn to a fabulous Sunday Roast with the usual banter and cries of “that's my wine”. Speed Bumps arrived in an Elephant Costume that didn't do her memory any good as sadly she lost her car keys! I do hope she found them.

Signing off Eggshell.
Mijas H.H.H The non drinking club with a BEER STOP PROBLEM!


Run #1579

3 June 2018 15:00h



Run #1579 – The Corpus Christi / JSW Birthday Run

Date & time:- Sunday 3rd June 2018 15.00h

Location:- Pizarra, mirador on mountain road uphill from village

Hares:- Just Say When & Salmonella Rushdie

Pre-Hash Information

The information on the website looked comprehensive, with appropriate date, time and location data, including coordinates for the runsite. Unfortunately, the latter pointed to the middle of a housing estate in Pizarra, some way off the entrance to the road to our actual runsite, as we subsequently discovered. Still, the written directions were clear enough, and included a range of starting locations.

We were also told that the On-On would be a picnic with paella cooked onsite by our resident paella chef. Surely something to look forward to, and just bound to draw a huge turnout...  

On The Way

Getting to Pizarra was straightforward, mostly along major roads, and following the given directions up through the village was fairly easy. The turning point to the broad graded mountain road was clearly marked with a large arrow in flour on the road. Now, there is a certain type of person who can follow a marked trail to, say, a bridge, and start across, but fail to make it to the other side, because of the lack of an encouraging mark halfway across; such a person is almost certainly a Hasher. And so it was that as we proceeded along the mountain road there were no more markings, and at a certain point we began to wonder if we had mistaken the route, or perhaps just overshot the runsite. However, encouraging words and a little persistence paid off, and soon the comforting sight of parked vehicles – particularly a large camper van – came into view, just short of a ‘mirador’ built onto the side of the road.

Gathering Of The Clans

The camper van signalled the presence of Chicken George (aka ‘Ayam’), fresh back from yet another abortive sojourn to Portugal. Also amongst the early arrivals were Sweet ‘n’ Low, Eggshell Blonde and Lilo Lil, and Up Yer Bum. There were some flour markings just short of the mirador leading down to a parallel ‘lay-by’ below, and at the bottom was a sump and some pipes coming out of the wall of the mirador; a woman was filling bottles from the steady stream of water – I trust they weren’t drain pipes from the road or some hidden hamlet further up the hill...

I walked up the lay-by to the other end of the mirador, and was just standing contemplating the stunning view out over the valley when I was joined by another Hasher, whose face I was astonished to see – my old pal Rebore, from the Bristol Greyhounds and sundry other English West Country Hashes! I had seen his name on the Mijas H3 website guest list, but little did I expect to bump into him; the last occasion had been one bitterly cold (2degC) and windy February night in 2014 on the North Somerset coast. So of course, we stood there in the Spanish sunshine ‘shooting the breeze’, catching up on old times as the rest of the pack arrived and got the runsite together.

Mijas Hash is a Hash with international connections – notably the Far East - and is regarded by those ‘in the know’ as something of a landmark in European Hashing. As the pack assembled, a number of international wanderers were in evidence; aside from Rebore from Old Blighty, there was Chicken George (or ‘Ayam’) from Thailand/Malaysia, King Kanute from Thailand/Malaysia/Singapore, From Behind from Norway, and your scribe Kannot Kan from Singapore/Malaysia.

At some stage the Hares, Just Say When and Salmonella Rushdie arrived, along with the Hash Chef, Mummy’s Boy, who busied himself setting up a portable paella stove and cooking spread. Your scribe failed to notice the arrival of Streaky, our redoubtable Hash Cash, and earned a wigging for failing to divvy up the Hash fee before taking a drink (shocker!).

At the appointed time, our esteemed GM, ‘Sir’ Flakey called the pack to order, and made the introductory remarks, including appointment of this week’s scribe, thanks to the previous scribe, and presentation of returnees: Sweet ‘n’ Low, Chicken George, Up Yer Bum, and Streaky. Nobody was identified as a visitor, all having attended during the preceding weeks. The Hares were then called in to give an account of their run, co-Hare Salmonella Rushdie attracting some scoffing for his minimal part in laying trail. No explanation of Mijas H3 markings was deemed necessary for this pack, though snippets were volunteered by Sir Flakey anyway. Just Say When commented: “When you’re on, you’re on.” – huh?? - admirably clarified by the GM: “None of this ‘On one, on two, on three shit!” However, the announcement of not one but two beer stops was greeted with glee. As an afterthought, the GM showed off the brand new HHH signs and flour ‘dobber’ – someone’s excellent Hash handiwork. Finally the 18 or so of us assembled for the traditional pre-Hash group photograph by Hash Flash Seaman Staines.

On On!

Off we went, down the lay-by to a point opposite the water-pipes, to a gap in between two masses of beautiful pink-blooming oleanders, where members of the pack were disappearing over their heads in some deep drop. It turned out to be a large smooth rock that took a bit of ginger negotiating down to a sloping path below, which gave out onto an open hillside field. I had stayed back to get snapshots of my fellow Hashers tumbling down the rock, and then saw that all bar one had followed the open field round to the left. The lone Hasher standing on a hummock a little way ahead – it was Rebore, from Blighty and thus determined to do the ‘proper thing’, called out to me: “The trail is here! They’re all shortcutting!” And so it was – the whole pack except the two of us, trying to get a head start (shocker!).

The trail led across a couple of open fields full of beautiful blue flowers and nothing else, in the middle of which was the first check, broken to the right and on downhill, eventually reaching a broad graded road remarkably similar to the one we had parked on at the runsite. Indeed remarks were heard, such as: “We’re going round in a bloody circle!”. It was not to be, though. Instead, the Hares led us upward away from the runsite, up and up... and up an interminable slope, round a couple of shallow bends until we came across a marking ‘BS’ – a beer stop! What a welcome prospect, as we walked up what seemed like another kilometer - at least! - uphill, finally gaining the refreshment point.

First Beer Stop

There at the top of the slope, on a narrow ridge was our co-Hare Salmonella Rushdie with his wagon packed full of cold beer, and surrounded by grateful Hashers slaking their thirst and taking photos of the wonderful views on both sides of the ridge. I listened carefully, but didn’t hear a single disparaging comment about the co-Hare’s contribution to the trail this time...  It’s wonderful what a little healthful exercise and a powerful thirst can do for the attitude!

Now, as you may remember, there is a certain type of person, who can follow a marked trail to, say, a beer stop on a mountain ridge with beautiful views off into the distance, but still have very little idea of his location in relation to the surrounding landscape; such a person is not only almost certainly a Hasher, but may even inexplicably have the responsibility of being a co-Hare. And thus it was, that our estimable Salmonella kept insisting that a small settlement off in the mountains to our west was Alhaurin El Grande – in fact it was probably Alozaina or one of the small villages to the north of there that he was looking at; as a temporary resident of Alhaurin El Grande, I was able to point it out to him, practically due south of our viewpoint, though all but the edge masked from view by a local outcrop. I wondered at that point whether there would indeed be a second beer-stop...

On On Again

Refreshments consumed and enthusiasm duly restored, off we went again, following trail down a fairly steep path flanking a precipitous cliff. A little way down we came upon a large depression in the cliff wall, too shallow to be called a cave, where some enterprising party had carved the rocks at the foot into rectangular blocks suitable for sitting on. I couldn’t fathom the purpose of such an obviously strenuous exercise in rude sculpture; perhaps another Hasher – maybe the Hare – could fill us in on the history.

On we continued down the trail, Chicken George and me together well behind the rest of the pack, along fairly steep rocky trail carved into the surrounding outcrops, all the while with the impressive view out over Pizarra in front of us, affording plentiful opportunities for photos. On the way we came upon a marking that looked like a ‘VP’ for ‘viewpoint’, with the ‘P’ scuffed out, seeming to indicate that we go on left. Some way down the path, with no more marks appearing, we backtracked, followed the opposite direction  from the VP mark, and duly found trail; this produced some criticism from Chicken George, and I agreed – unnecessary confusion there.

Further along this section of trail, we came to yet another check mark – a trail split – that had been left unbroken by the preceding pack. Now we had a musical interlude, as “Ayam took the high road and I took the low road, but neither of us got to see the Bonny Bonny Banks of Loch Lomond”. We recovered trail and trekked on to another place where the rocks had been carved – a full set of table and chairs was available for us to rest our refreshments this time.

After a perfunctory sit down and some photos from the cliff edge, Chicken George (Ayam) was getting a bit nervous about the possiblilty of encroaching darkness, since we were far behind the pack, so off we trotted down the path and around a sharp bend, only to come upon a ‘CB’ check back mark. Back we went past our entry point, and quickly found another check mark – a cross this time – on a flat rock area next to the end of the path, which stopped at the edge of a deep and precipitous chasm – a seriously dangerous drop if you didn’t know it was there. Beside it was a carved low stone parapet surrounding the entrance to a steep gully with steps going down. This must have proven too much of a distraction for the pack, because this check was also unbroken, though it seemed fairly obvius which way the Hare was taking us – into the bowels of the earth, it seemed. Down we went, through the stone tunnel, coming out onto a shallower area with soil cover and trees; we stopped for the obligatory photo-op at what Chicken George described as one of the best natural features he had encountered on any Hash.

Then on we trekked through the trees, looking for trail and eventually finding – yes – another cross-check, yet again unbroken by the pack! This time there was a choice of at least half a dozen different paths out of the area: being the experienced backwoodsmen we are, we were fazed only to the extent of a three-part Chinese cuss of the bloody useless pack, and it cost us only half a beer’s delay to find the right track. Anyway, a few short minutes later and we heard the sound of a Geordie mating call through the woods; there, perched up on a rock in the middle distance was the Hare, Just Say When, who generously guided us to the second beer-stop. 

Second Beer Stop

Surprisingly, Salmonella had managed to find his way with the refreshments, and there was the rest of the pack, lolling about without a care in the world, in spite of the fact that they were – even after our arrival – short of two Hashers, King Kanute and Master Bates, otherwise known as The Expendables, for obvious reasons. Various – mostly sex-oriented - theories were advanced concerning their joint absence, but I didn’t spot any birch trees along the way...

This beer-stop was some way uphill from the upper edge of Pizarra village, and graced with a massive Spanish-style advertising board with nothing but decay on the front side, and behind it a terrace of plug-ugly buildings expressly constructed for gatherings of squatters and druggies. By this time I was beginning to enjoy the benefits of the second lot of refreshments, and hopeful that my phone memory might yield enough information for me to compose a half-way decent Hash Script; the chances of me doing so without this help would be slim indeed – how many other scribes have successfully recorded a two-beer-stop run?

On Home

Setting off down the road like a troupe of merry Hash automata, we were cozened by the Hare not to just potter back along the road, though that was the simple way, but to follow the trails so lovingly laid through the fields – not much longer, and infinitely more picturesque. And we did. And it was good!

Above all, I was absolutely delighted not to have missed the Mijas Hash characteristic Bad Taste spot, on this occasion a trail mark constructed from a prodigious pile of dog-turd (I presume?!) with a topping of flour. Also in evidence on the way back, as had been the case on the out-trail, were trail markings made of shredded paper. Now, this may be acceptable on some of the Hashes frequented by the international contingent, none of whom had any part in setting this run, but as so eloquently expressed by Sir ‘Firkin’ Flakey: “We don’t ever use firkin paper on the Mijas firkin Hash!”

Only one more semi-broken check and one unbroken split later, and the runsite was regained by all, and the Mystery of the Missing Nords was finally solved: “Ve ver ze whole time on ze trail!” according to King Kanute.  Uh-huhh... But doing vot?... All sounds like Beer-Stop to me!

The Circle

As I approached the Circle area, preparation of paella was in full swing, as was another ‘lost’ Nord, the redoubtable Master Bates: clearly rejuvenated by his promenade with King Kanute, there he was flinging the Hare about with wild abandon to the rhythm of his squawk-box, specially brought for the occasion.


Sir Flakey called the Circle to order, and we got on with the business of the day, offering our judgments of the Hares’ efforts. First up was Stiffanny, who tried unsuccessfully to suggest they deserved a ‘Hash Shit’; this was clearly unrelated to the fact that she was sitting there with the Hash toilet seat around her neck, the proud current holder of that prestigious award. Everyone else in the Circle could scarcely contain their admiration for the run, and the scores all-in aggregated to a stonking 9.5!


Next came the Hash Awards (for run tally): Mijas Hash makes these awards every five runs accumulated by a member, so the badge-makers are kept with a steady flow of business. This week, it was the turn of the following:

Lilo Lil – 150 +2 runs

Mummy’s Boy – 610 runs

Salmonella Rushdie – 305 runs

Seaman Staines – 175 + 1 runs

Stiffanny – 405 runs

I can’t help thinking some of these guys could stitch together a whole suit of Hash clothes out of their accumulated badges.


Now came the good bit - an assortment of charges, interspersed with an assortment of down-down songs and their accompanying drinks:

Stiffanny complained that in spite of her sterling efforts, nobody had bought any Hash gear from her. It turned out that Rebore had tried on some shirts but couldn’t find anything slim enough to fit him – a likely story! Witness any photograph of Rebore that goes below the neck.

Rebore then charged King Kanute with causing the Hare to wail unconsolably by disappearing off trail before the second beer-stop, thus disturbing the peace of the drinkers.

King Kanute in turn charged Sir Flakey with dissembling or prevarication about something or other (your scribe was losing the plot by then), for which he graciously took his down-down.

Sir Flakey then dobbed in fellow scousers Lilo Lil and Eggshell Blonde for shortcutting the last part of the trail (shocker!).

Lilo Lil followed with a ‘Them Too’ moment by charging all the men present on behalf of whoever miscalled the ‘Me Too’ movement the “Me Now” movement, which could be considered by some as incorrigibly opportunistic. Anyway...

Then, the GM dobbed in the Hare who was also the Birthday Girl for a traditional Hash Birthday dousing with cava. The ever-svelte Just Say When was presented with a Hash tanktop which she was hornswoggled into changing into in the Circle. Fortunately Up Yer Bum was on hand to preserve the modesty of the Hare and the cardiac health of the males present.

Almost as an afterthought, with the Circle’s attention directed to dress code, the GM dobbed in the Hash Chef, Mummy’s Boy, for not wearing Hash attire in the Circle. False Charge! Mummy’s Boy was indeed wearing Hash shorts for the Circle, and a special paella-resistant t-shirt. Sir Flakey, it should be noted, has only recently recovered from a terrible and protracted bout of gutrot, and now clearly has no fear of whatever culinary revenge might be dished upon him as a consequence of his gratuitous error.


Charges done, and honour satisfied all round, King Kanute was invited to step up and tell us about next week’s run: Sunday 10th of June 2018 15:30h at a point just south of Lauro Golf club, between the two Alhaurins.


Finally, the Hare and the Hash Chef were called in to present their free-of-charge paella-centred picnic on-on, to much applause and cheering, and the Circle was dismissed.

On Picnic

Now, by this point, the Hash Muse had drowned in a surfeit of Hash Refreshment, and your scribe is accordingly tempted to take a leaf out of the book of his immediate predecessor Squire Michael of Winchester, applying conciseness and economy to the description of the remaining proceedings, thuswise:

“We drank.

We sang.

We made merry.”


Well, even if you feel like making up your own embellishments, you could scarcely do credit to the On-On, which was an extravaganza of excellent food, wine and liqueurs, accompanied by dancing to the music from Master Bates’ portable music machine, the ‘floor’ being dominated by the Hare and alternating partners Seaman Staines and Master Bates himself. The ‘naughty-cal’ duo at one point engaged in an attempted threesome cool swing style, egged on by all onlookers. All as the sunshine gradually mellowed over the beautiful valley beyond Pizarra.


All ye who didn’t turn out for this event, eat your hearts out – it was a Hash to remember!

On On On...

Kannot Kan


This is the report for run 27th May 2018

Run Number: 1578

Hares: Gang Bang and Lip Service


Location: Near Lew Hoads Tennis Club

The On On was at the Palace of India in El Coto.


Returners: Sheepshagger

No leavers were featured

Anniversaries: Elvis, 25 plus Y , and Sir Flakey with 525 runs.

Virgins: Marion and Georgie

The Run Score - 8.1


Comments on the run: the whole run was uphill to the beerstop. There were lot of grass seeds/thorns that got into some Hashersґshoes and acted as diversions. The second half of the run was downhill. There were only three crosschecks.

Hope that is ok - please let me know if more is needed,

Best wishes,




Hash Scribe   Run Number 1577  20 May 2018

Hares – Dipper/Gobichov          At  - El Campo Mijas

This was a short (4km) Run in familiar territory. The hares' intimate knowledge of the area served them well and the trail was well marked … as indeed was the signage to the Run start. It began with a loop that took us almost back to the beginning, and indeed for one hasher, Megasauarse literally back to the beginning! The Run subsequently continued to ultimately arrive at the beer stop.

This was most worthy of a mention … at the hares palatial mansion … a punch bowl, cava, beer of course, and lots of food including specially baked Tapas style (ie small) pastries. Oh, and fried egg  flavour crisps! The pool was available for those who were brave enough, though this turned out to be only Elvis and French Erection. The weather was just a little too cool for the rest of us!

After a lengthy period the Run continued and we soon arrived back at the circle.

This was taken by our newly elected GM, Flakey assisted by the newly elected RA, Colonic Irrigation. Anniversarios were Rub Her Turd – 310, Colonic - 355, Swiss Roll - 525.

The On On was at El Brujo with the usual excellent food, and the somewhat slow service was countered by the hare having organised  with the restaurant to have food on the table when we arrived.

Your scribe

Kindergarden Cop

Run: 1573

Date: 29 April 2018

Hares: Colonic Irrigation and Five Knuckle Shuffle

Venue: Opposite Tweetsky’s Villa

Scribe: JerryCan

We gathered for Tweesky Pie’s send-off run now that he’s ‘moved up’ to run with Pearly Gates H3. Our loss will be their gain!

As for our four visitors, we had a ‘Mistress’ ‘In the Kremlin’ (maybe Putin likes a bit of rough play) who ‘Comes More Often’ (probably not in the Kremlin) with ‘All You Can Eat’ (definitely not in the Kremlin).

The trail went down into the campo beside the road, back onto the road, under the motorway, and then down through Syria Heights (speak to Gang Bang to reserve one of the last remaining undamaged plots – value guaranteed to bomb!). We then meandered down along the side of the gully and then back up on blacktop on the other side to the Beer Stop. I got there just ahead of Flakey who was leading the FWBs (Fast Walking Ba**ards). Before moving on, we toasted Tweetsky with his national drink. The ‘In Trail’ was short and boring.

Megasorearse as ‘stand-in’ GM managed the circle admirably (note: AGM in two weeks and new GM needed). The visitors did amazingly well in remembering (with a lot of help from their friends) almost every hasher’s name. Scores for the trail ranged from a few very generous ‘9.9’s to a ‘1’ from Jizzical). The average was 8.something (I think maybe 8.2).


Pepper Grinder: 40

Finish Me Off: 50 (with mug)

JerryCan: 165

Gang Bang: 310

Down Downs went to hashers not wearing Russki/yellow clothes, those wearing furry hats, non-mug holders, trail fowlers, and Community Chest (who was dibbed in, but didn’t hear why).

The write-is a bit sparse here as I was more focused on All You Can Eat’s positioning of her phone – nestled comfortably between her nipples. You probably all thought that the squeals of delight were because she was pleased to hear from you! Stiff Fanny’s phone did ring, but no squeals of delight.


Run no 1530

Torremolinos Bull Ring

Hares: Over and Done With/Bloody Pinocchio

Good Run - 9

Rain in the forecast as we headed Torremolinos way but the Coast only got hit around midnight by strong winds from the south - so another lucky escape on this sunday.

Most of us found the hares and the ale without too much hassle although “market day” with plenty of boot sales and closed access roads to the bullring. The exceptions were Dogs Bollox and Jerry Can, who both got utterly lost and caused a 20 minute delay of the run start!

The Run

The hares had been setting 3 runs; a Macho, a Wimps and a Super Wimps trail.

The MACHO took us through the woods and the underpass up the road and back again (

CB!) then in on the left and good trails till we started the long and hard climb up the dry riverbed. Counted 5 of us MACHOS whilst have it on good authority that King Kanute also did most of it but cut out the BS part. Just Say Gwen outrunning this scribe, Smart Arse (visitor), Kindergarden Cop + “redcap (forgot name)! After beerstop into the quarry and up the long trails to the top before heading down the long winding road and under the AP-7 where I saw an arrow leading into the woods. Never found paper again and ended up near Los Molinos Parking - far away from the runsite.

Well , eventually found my way back in but it’s a big BBQ area and it took time. In fact so much time so I got appointed SCRIBE as last person in the circle!

The Circle

Started with 1 minute of silence for our dear departed hashfriend Tweetski Pie who departed for Valhalla the same morning. He shall be missed!

Visitors from Cyprus “Smart Arse”/WM and Cabin Boy/WM from Buenos Aires were introduced and the circle got into swing.

Anniversarios :Community Chest 135 runs/Up Ya Bum 660 runs and Mary Hinge 50 runs

But no badges to Salmonella Rusdi and Semen Stains as not present.

Mijas H3 AGM Run 2018 in Benahavis on saturday 12th/13th May 2018. Fliers handed out and details on website. Will be another great weekend with walks, runs, fish and chips and all night party. Looking forward to participate even SperMaid in Marocco?

Flakey stepped in as RA and called on Chicken George for being extremely senile. Had only minutes earlier stubbornly insisted there had never been an InterHash in Sarawak, Borneo -but the headband of RHT with “Sarawak InterHash 2010” did the trick and convinced everybody who was right and who was truely senile!

Elephant Arse rendered a “new” song. Had kind of expected “if your girlfriend etc etc” but this song text was different.?

On2 in the Pena Parque Animal where we had good food and wine for Euro 10.

Thanks to the Hares for a super day.


RHT (monday afternoon)





RUN NO:- 1567  St Patrick's Day Run, El Chaparral


LEPRECHAUNS - Mick O'Flakey and Paddy O'Jizzical


ANNIVERSARIOS:- Over and Done With 45, Quick Sand 45 and Swiss Roll 520


SCORE:- 8.5



Forty Nine leprechauns and faerie's dressed in 40 shades of green, met for the Ceiidh

(social gathering) to honour St Patrick.


Six Sacrificial Virgins had been selected to bring favour to the Hares


Off through the forests and glens and into the peat bogs. Some faeries must have had a premonition as they came well prepared in their designer Wellies.


Some were getting racked and were olaganin (moaning) before they reached the first Pot of Gold at the end of the Rainbow, which was gaelic coffee and thimbles of Tia Maria and Baileys.


On through the prickliest of glades and through a reeded bog to the magic spring,  where liquid black gold with a bubbly top sprung forth with lovely chocolate buns decorated with Shamrock icing. Truly scrumptious and faerie sized sausage rolls.


Two truly mytholgical dogs attacked Chico under his mothers legs and as she bravely fought them off "Cerberis" the most fearsome took a bite at Community Chest's arm.


Before leaving the magic spring, Paddy O'Jizzical requested a change to tradition and asked that everyone "Whisper" ON ON. We soon found out why. After being led through a deep peat bog, guided by a trail of toilet roll hanging on the bushes (seemingly very useful for Golden Cascade who stuffed it in her pants as she went).


Soon we were under attack by men with shillelaghs blasting little hard balls at us. Stiffany appeared as if by magic to show us the hidden trail across the emerald green lawn towards the woods and safety where the four old stooges had already been diverted by the flying balls, taking refuge in an ale house for their own Craic and a spot of live entertainment (well that's their excuse!).


Safely back from a great and enjoyable run a Magic Circle was formed. The Sacrificial Virgins were summoned and one was asked to explain the brown stains down her leggings. She replied that she had "shit " herself.


A small no. of those present were asked for their mark. Most thought it an impressive effort but two "stooks, acting the maggot" gave it derisory marks bringing the average down to 8.5.


Finally "out on the lash", something approaching thirty of us headed to the local Irish Ale and Fodder House where the black gold pumps forth and what a good craic we had getting well langered until the early morning for some of us, dancing to live music in an oversize pair of wet boots for yours truly.


SLAINTE, your Pixie scribe, Just Say O'When

RUN NO:- 1564 Los Pacos

SHEPHERDS:- Sheep Shagger and Up Your Bum (left to your imagination).

ANNIVERSARIOS:- Pepper Grinder 35; Sheep Shagger 110; Yogi 220; Streaky 445; 

                                 Mummy's Boy 600; Up Your Bum 655.

SCORE:- 6.6

One Tup already lost. Elephant Arse found the wrong Galp Station. Sheep Shagger needs to invest in a new Sheep Dog to herd his flock around the course. With his unusual use of markings, no doubt inherited from Bangkok, we were all over the hills and roads for trails while others were left grazing at the check with a BAA BAA here and a BAA BAA there feeling Sheepish and Lost. Most remarked that there was too much TAAmac for the flock of sheep and this no doubt was also reflected in the score.

At the beerstop it was noticed how the sheep were drinking Softies instead of carrying water.

Off we went on the second course, which was very nice but had been done many times before and the back of the herd were lost once again. One of the Ewes has a little lamb with a golden fleece, who found herself a nice sheepdip to bathe in and came out black and stinking.

Back at the sheep pen The Reverend George Mooney was none too sheepish in sorting out the Ewes and Tups from the lambs. Firstly the Shepherds were chastised for the state of the circular Sheep Pen by the former Health and Safety Executive, Mr Bear. Broken glass, tumbled down walls and wire fences were strewn about.

One fine specimen of a Tup was brought into the Pen with no skin on his knees and was berated for being over zealous in his duties. Three of us sheep were warned for leaving the herd behind. Two other Tups were brought in for impersonating a Dog (sie) who had run off to the Airport before getting a bone for his 70th Birthday. Pepper Grinder, all wrapped in tin foil, fared much better getting a traditional birthday cake, made with flour, raw eggs, beer and topped with 1001's for his 55th Birthday. Mummy's Boy got his badge for joining the 600 Club and Celebrated with the other Anniversarios.

The much heralded Sheepfest would never have been found in the Nooks and Crannies of deepest Los Pacos if the flock had not followed the Shepherds. The lamb tagine Mummy's Boy had pre ordered and been salivating over, seemed to have escaped the slaughter and had become three little chicken drumsticks with three prunes and a remnant of sauce and a plate over flowing with french fries.

But the money added up correctly and so all went home happy.

BAA BAA, Ewe Scribe, Gweny the Sheep


Run number 1559 

21 of January 2018 

Hares - Colonic Irrigation and 5 Knukle Shuffle 


The hares was blessed with a beautiful sunny day . Run took place in El Coto , near Fuengirola. Some 26 husheres got together , obviously because they had nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon. Run started at 15.00, but some really sad bastards Pepper Grinder and Over and done with , had decided to come even earlier 14.00 because they were really board at home . 

What can I say- it was brilliant trail fucked up by the hares ( not enough checks ) , good beer stop with a fantastic view ( not enough crisps ) 

Brilliant second half ( not enough campo) 

But the best of all we lost a Hasher - Phsycodelic , for that hares got an extra point . 

Unfortunately Phsycodelic was found some 4 ours later by Swiss rol , so we would have to take point back. 

Over all the score was 7,8 - 1 

Aniversarios - Desperate Dan -35 runs , Sheep Shagger - 105 , Swiss Rol-515, Mummy’s Boy -595, Sweet and Low 350, Elephant Arse -200, Dogs Bollox -745, Afrodisнaco-255. 


Over all good day . 

On on 

Gang Bang 

January 14th -  2018

Run Number: 1558


Location: Near top of Baranco Blanco – the Trail of the Four Lonesome Pines


The Run Site directions were from the BP roundabout on the A3303 but the HHH sign was positioned by One Tit so that it could only be seen out of the car’s back window; One Tit may be backward occasionally. I commend Yogi for delegating authority but closer supervision was needed. Most people saw the turnoff as a good possibility and Yogi saved the day by the flour arrow on the ground. The wet conditions had still left the arrow intact luckily.

Only pine trees were visible for miles so into the forest we went on the Trail, many runners complete with brollys. It careered up and up and up so I quickly lost sight of most except Shaggerdelic. My little legs were soon last, not an ideal position for reporting on run action.  The split trail allowed me to catch up some and there was a general delay at View Point VP-1 [the Seat] to look at the valley below. Shaggerdelic and other girls turned back at this point..

The vertical climb to the highest point split was such fun and easy that I stopped half-way to make a movie clip at an un-official VP.. Two or three people were swanning around after taking the wrong split route and consequently I was no longer last. So VP-2 and VP-3 bit the dust as I accelerated down the track as I could smell the Beer Stop. One or two more photos and I was last again when I reached the Stop.

After suitable refreshments Pussy Galore shortly followed by Just-say-When knew where the false trail did not go and zoomed away into the distance! Wrong... It was the rocky scree track for the downward route and soon the dogs had caught up.. I remember a tricky Check where it may have been marked wrongly but we were soon called back on trail by Just-Say-When, so no lost hashers.

I was viewing the girls up ahead when I was nearly knocked over by a convey of eight Dirt-Bike Roaders. I was finally left with our visitor and we lost flour near the Pylons. He finally found it but we were delayed.. In return, I put him back on trail very close to the end. We must not lose a Virgin! So I did my bit. It is the exercise that counts not winning..



Visitors: “No-Name Henry” from New York.

Returners and Leavers: Not celebrated.

Anniversaries: Just-Say-When 290, Shimisky 50, Quicksand 40, Mega-Sore-Arse 15.

Run Score:  8.2

Criminals and their Crimes:


1.       Sweet-and-Low: for smoking in the official Circle,

2.       Rebore: for performing a “Daly Thomson” and leaping around in skimpy shorts,

3.       Swiss Roll: for arriving stupidly early for a 1pm Run and ensuring that she will be “first and last”,

4.       Yogi: for performing a Run Recce on an Electric Bike,

5.       Rebore: for preventing Up-Your-Bum from ski-ing at her best. He proceeded to slip outside a Restaurant and landed on Bum; the subsequent decision was to eat lunch in Nerja and cancel the ski-ing,

6.       Gang Plank: for giving up his prostate to the Cloud so that sex is available again for interested Hashers,

7.       Various loving couples for breaking the “Sex on the Hash” rule, namely: a) Justin and Lip Service, b) Pussy Galore and Desperate Dan, c) Elephant Arse and Shimisky,

8.       Rebore and Colonic: for hats in the Circle,

9.       Too many sick Timeshare Conmen for selling to vulnerable people like myself. Names include Colonic, Gang Plank, Five-Knuckle-Shuffle, Pussy Galore, Swiss Roll, Rebore, Shaggerdelic, Sweet-and-Low, One Tit,

10.   People with Asian and Chinese connections for fraternising too much, namely Sheep Shagger, Psychodelic, Gang Plank, Elephant Arse, Quicksand, Colonic,

11.   Five-Knuckle-Shuffle: for being last on the Five Km shortcut to the Beer Stop,

12.   Lip Service and Sweet-and-Low: for out-of-order conversations,


13.   Mummy’s Boy: for leaving his blind man’s stick behind on another hash,

14.   No 50-Run mugs: Too many to name but include Psychodelic.

Hash Scribe:   PSYCHODELIC

RUN 1557

I thought I had come back to the Costa del Sol,but it appeared more like Costa del Snow

A rather disappointing number of Hashers assembled at Guaro Cemitario to honour our departed Hashers

After the planting of a tree in memory of the departed Hashers and a moments silence for our departed members we set off up the track to the first check which was quickly solved by the FRBs....up.....then down through some beautiful countryside with views of snow on many of the mountain tops.We quickly arrived at the first Beer  Stop,where we enjoyed our usual refreshments.On to the trail ,many were confused by a CB which was on someones land.....only half the Pack even got there....back to the Trail .....down and up  to the second Beer Stop and more refreshments .By now we had lost 3 or 4 Hashers  but the Sick, Lame and Lazy had managed to catch up.The final part took us back to Guaro Village where a Check confused many.......then up again the the start point.

The Circle was  by JM  Mummys Boy who welcomed many visitors with down downs.

R A Yogi took over and briefly cleansed us of our sins 

Appy Ending was congratulated for 65 Runs

Hares Shagadelic and Speed Bumps were congratulated on a good trail ..and given 8.5

Your Scribe SheepShagger(who would have paid more attention if he had been told BEFORE the Run that he would be scribe


31st Dec 2017

Run Number: 1556.

Hares: Pussy Galore & Aquasex (AKA something x2)

Run Location: Valtacado Casa Bleeding Bush.

Visitors: Chicken George ex Thailand & Malaysia.

Returner: Dicktaker.

Virgen: Jaime from Tenerife.

Last run of 2017 was looking a promising affair with a run and a New Year’s party for an On On On!!

Form a circle was called by our stand in GM “Mummies Boy”, the hares “Pussy” & “Aquasex” looked like they had been very busy with getting our New Year’s bash and a Hash run organised, they promised a true hash run with rope ladders and gruelling trail, but they had put in a wimps trail for the over 80`s and zimmer frame brigade! With only one virgin “Quicksand’s” charming Spanish boyfriend, and our token visitor “Chicken George” the markings were explained and the pack of about 30 were ready for the hash photo, the hares had request that all attending wore red underwear (On the outside) unfortunately our hash flash the kilt wearing Jock “Semen Staines” was flying free !!! Our ladies were on the ball !!! and had a willy warmer on hand for Hash flash, donning this was not as easy as planned, and getting all his genitals in this skimpy underwear !! After this had been achieved the hash flash could perform his duties and the pack could set off !!!    

On on up the road and heading for the campo, a very long check back had the pack spread out, once in the campo the front runners like “Jizzical Ferk” were long gone, at the markings for runners and wimps trail the pack were split, being an athlete I tagged on with “Swiss roll”, “Mega sore arse”, “Stiffanny”,  another check back with numbers  (Naughty naughty) was missed and I was on the real trail, we could see the pack heading off down the valley, Quicksand and her man in bright shirts help show the way, “Desperate Dan” had thoughtfully waited at the rope access point to see us all safely down the slope, I would have called it knotted string tied to a small gorse bush! But it was needed and we made it to the bottom safely, the trail continued along the stream bed we could see a parked car at the top of the ridge --- Beer Stop !!  a gruelling climb to the top found the rest of the pack eating cake, crisps, glue wine and beer, that’s the first half out of the way and it was certainly a good hash run! The second half was not to live up the first and was a walk back along the wimps out trail !!! Fine for me it was a lovely afternoon and a good walk back to Casa Bleeding Bush was just right.

All back home safely a small circle was called at the side of the house, the hares got a respectful 8.7 from a good run, I was brought in for anniversary 570 runs along with “Up Yer Bum” who has an amazing 650 runs, “Mummies Boy” then handed the circle to the RA Ohhh That’s me, I bought the Hares back in for a drink and for setting such a good run and to get future hares to use the area more often, they were then given an extra Down down for using numbers on the check backs !!  Hashers can’t count!! Down downs were handed out for various sins, “Elephant Arse” for being a Septic tank and smelling? The red knicker wearers, and Scottish transvestite’s. Next week’s Hares “Shaggy” and “Yogi” were brought in for the Memorial Run, we will be planting a lemon tree in memory of our dear Friend and Hasher “Ash” and other departed Hashers.  

All that left is to thank the hares for a great run and New Year Bash. And wish you all a fantastic 2018 may it be healthy and all your hash runs be memorable and safe.

On On forever.

Sir Flakey.          


RUN 1555


If it were not for the beautiful warm sunshine and colourful women and gentlemen dressed as Santa Clause and red dresses then the run would have been really SHITTY.   Principally because just after the Start three dogs (NO DOGS ON THE HASH )  decided to evacuate their bowels on the road much to the extreme embarrassment of Golden Cascade and her hound LUCKY, Community Chest and her hound (DONT KNOW THE NAME)  and a third unknown.   Sadly there were not enough plastic bags to clean up the shit which made matters worse.   Oscar (MY HOUND) proudly walked on not dropping any turds until we were in the campo.

As the run continued and the check backs were really confusing the hashers so often that several times the back runners became the front running bastards with great happiness and aplomb and cheering and wrapping some women around poles in the effort to look very sexy as pole dancers.

Things were progressing well when suddenly we were faced with a steep downhill slope which Up yer Bum decided to slide on her derriere ….. nobody laughed.   But THEN a Cliff,  rock face,  had to be descended by footholds on the rocks and helpers such as Dogsy were below to catch the ladies ad not look up their mini skirts which proved very difficult but rewarding when they slid into his arms arse first.    He was so overwhelmed by his actions that when giving the hares marks for the run he stated I CAN ONY GIVE 9.9 BUT IT WAS WORTH FAR MORE MARKS THAN THAT.    Poor old COLONIC had to climb down unassisted as DOGSY was having to have a breathing break and to adjust his shorts after his valiant efforts.

After a gallop along the beach whilst watching Quicksand photographing herself above the rolling sea we arrived at the Beer/Gluwein Stop to be greeted by Yogi and Elephant Arse (short cutting bastards) and the lovely Shaggy and the Skinny Luxembourgian Ginger Sweet and Low.   So whilst refreshing ourselves we were greeted by the arrival of Mummy's Boy and Five Knuckle Shuffle who had had a long short cut as they limped along the roads and they were very happy to see us.

The rest of the run was GO ALONG THE BOARD WALK WHICH IS NOT MARKED VERY WELL BUT WATCH NEAR THE END ???? FOR A RIGHT TURN… off Swiss Miss and I set at a medium pace, missed any markings at the end of the boardwalk and continued another 2.5km to come up into the Calahonda villa area.  Set of to a Mercadona but it was the wrong car Park.   Swiss asked an english gentleman where it was to be told it was 3 km away and would you like a lift.   So Mark of SNACK ATTACK, La Cala de Mijas, drove us in his new PEUGOT SUV back to the Circle which was very charming of him.

The circle and the GM (MUMMYS BOY standing in for PUSSY GALORE …. off skiing) asking for the aniversarios   GET A LIFE produced BLOODY PINOCCHIO 25,    APPY ENDING 65,    AQUASEX 75,   COMMUNITY CHEST125,    JERRY CAN 155,    AEROFLAPS 180,     JUST SAY WHEN 290,    JIZZICAL 240,    APHRODISIAC 255,   STICKY TART 250,    SPERM AID 275,    FIVE MIL 360,    MASTERBATES 65…….GETA LIFE YOU ALL!!!!   BUT the only ones present were AQUASEX, COMMUNITY CHEST and STICKY TART …. CONGRATULATIONS!!!     RUBBER TURD posed with his 500 run jersey…..WELL DONE. !!!

Then the Hares,  Shagadelic and Sweet and Low were brought in to be marked for their SHITTY RUN but they were very happy with their points achieved and with the comments….  I think Christmas was in the air…..finally earning 8.5 as calculated by the boffin mind of MUMMYS BOY…

Entry of the RA, COLONIC, took over to cleanse the Hashers of their sins and punish them with beer down Downs.  Of note were the  HASH socks of QUICKSAND,  which she has owned for several years,  which suddenly produced the words MIJAS HHH when turned down which really astonished her, Bless…..then the Front Running Bastards were punished for being so quick which involved RUBBER TURD,  MEGA SOREARSE,  SALMONELLA RUSHDI,  ONE UNKNOWN TO ME, and by DEFAULT CAMELIA CHAMELEON …then the Short Cutting Bastards   STICKY TART,  ELEPHANT ARSE,  FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE,   FLAKY, (knighthood still in doubt),  MUMMY;S BOY,  YOGI BEAR,  CHICKEN GEORGE and SHEEP SHAGGER…….SIR FLAKY (Knighthood still in doubt) was given a down down and asked to explain the discussed knighthood which was being questioned by GOLDEN CASCADE,  SWEET AND LOW,  MUMMYS BOY,  CHAMELO CHAMELEON,  and COLONIC IRRIGATION …….    Then FLAKY as an acting RA brought in CHICKEN GEORGE (from Darkest Asia one hundred years ago)  and introduced him as a rich bachelor seeking a Maiden which brought out all the available pussy (sorry eligible gold digging females of the Mijas Hash House Harriettes) which included a doubtful character SALMONELLA RUSDI (doubtful as in does he blow both ways???)  ……..    and finally YOGI BEAR force a Down Down on COLONIC IRRIGATION and I have no idea for what it was enforced.

Circle closed all the Hungry and thirsty Hashers (17 of them retired to have the On On at the WOK in La Cala beside the Feria Ground.    The meal was enjoyable and several unmentionable hashers went back for several helpings of the food and poured wines and beers down their necks with great Festive Attitude.   All was very Merry ….  UNTIL …. the professional accountant …. SWEET AND LOW,   asked everyone to pay the standing charge of 12.95 (I think it was) plus their drinks and a Tip ….. All went well until she the highly trained accountant found she was 30 euros short!!!!!     How can that be??   Oh I forgot to add in the IVA. of 10% to everything!!!   So Chaos ,  arguments,  shouting ITS ONLY ON THE DRINKS. (((WRONG))) and lots of unhappiness and strife evolved with mutterings,  people being accused of not paying etc etc ,   people escaping.

Roll on the Hogmanay Mijas Hash House Harriers Run with Aquasex and somebody else and a big party in Valtocado organised by the skiing PUSSY GALORE

Until then Good Tidings and Merry Christmas and. Happy New Year when it comes

Semen Staines ….. your friendly Hash Flash and todays SCRIBE.    On On On On On On ad infinity             


Run Number: 1154 17th December 2018

Hares: Assaulty Dog and Hot Panda (Visiting Hashers)

Location: Entrerrios

A gorgeous sunny day brought out a good pack of runners to what was expected to be a fabulous run, it is a great location, and I even managed to entice Sir Flakey away from watching football!

Obligatory group photo taken by stand in hash flash Lip Service, and off we set at the usual steaming pace, the odd runner, walkers and hobblers, the front runners were soon a mere speck in the distance whilst a good group stayed together losing only a few to the wimpy trail.

A long hill of death followed by a nice run down to a beer stop, only there was no one else there; the front runners had decided not to wait for everyone to join them. So onwards our dwindling group went only to be kept together again by an excellent check in the river bed, after a long search and very wet feet for some of us, whilst the hash hounds found a delightful swimming pool so had a nice dip,

The trail was eventually found and off we went again. A gorgeous river bed, again a very tricky check held us together until Kanute found the trail leading us up and out towards home, we lost a few of the Harriets at this point who eventually turned up once the circle had started claiming they had done every false trail. Well done girls!

Our glorious GM started the proceedings by bringing in the returners, that would be myself, Sir Flakey, Dogsy and a couple more.

Anniversarios: Lip Service 40 runs, French Erection 95, Just in 225, Elephant Arse 275, Rubber Turd 300, Sweet and Low 345, Swiss Roll 510 and the saddest of them all Mummies Boy with 590. Get a life!!

The run was then marked with an excellent 8.7. approx. 8kms

Our illustrious RA then took the floor, quizzing the hares, they are on a three month tour in their new mobile home, Yogi called it the tortoise run! How did they managed to find such a great run, did they have help? Had they been here before? Sattelite, how???

 No they said, we have a bible, a hashy type of bible called the Sunflower Book!! Check out This is now today’s best seller. Here are a few more books you may like to take on your camping trip

·                                 ‘To the Outhouse’ by Willie Maket, Illustrated by Betty Wont

·                                 ‘How to Survive a Bear Attack’ by Ben Eaton

·                                 ‘The Yellow River’ by I.P. Daily

·                                 ‘Over the Mountaintop’ by Hugo First

·                                 ‘Falling Off a Cliff’ by Eileen Dover

·                                 ‘The Joys of Drinking’ by Al Coholic

·                                 ‘I Was Prepared’ by Justin Case

·                                 ‘Smelly Stuff’ by Anita Bath

·                                 ‘A Safe Hitchiker’s Guide’ by Ren Tacar

·                                 ‘A Sailor’s Adventure’ by Ron A. Ground

·                                 ‘Raise Your Arms’ by Harry Pitt

·                                 ‘Sitting on the Beach’ by Sandy Cheeks

·                                 ‘Something Smells’ by I. Ben Pharting


A few sinners were cleansed; Shortcutting: half the pack followed the road back rather than the wonderful campo trail the hares had so lovingly laid, Masterbates was complaining of being a cripple and needed to sit down on his Table!! After some interrogation it turns out he had already been on an 8 km run before coming to the hash…. I would recommend a reduction in his daily dose of Viagra! It seems that Karma Chameleon has been having the same issues with his Viagra as he has started being social and Happy!! Or was that something to do with his kidneys? The circle closed and off we went for dinner at a local venta, choose your own meal and drinks which was excellent, terrific value.

On On your scribe




Run No 1553

The First of the flying Finns.

But surely not the last.

 Plus a small mention of the Selfie stick Xmas party (later)



What a climb up the winding one way streets to find the congregation of Mijas and Hash strays waiting in antipidation, for what was the first combined Hare run of our Flying Finns ....

Pepper Grinder and Pimentor????

Looking around the circle I could see familier faces, and a few not so, the Dead Animal and Foxy had survived their stay in Fuengirola and had found a way up the hill, Left Behind had been passed near the top of the hill, so was living true to his hash handle. The Dynamic Scotts duo, Atomic Panda and Hot Dog, or what ever they are called had also survived the weekend, and where looking keen as ever to rip up the Campo.

Explanations of W and M trail splits and CBs and checks all flew over my head as I just needed a stroll in the park and a quick way back for a Beer.

I was assingned as chaperone to Bertrix from Madrid, who was looking for an easy way round avoiding the chaos associated with following Swiss roll, the only Hasher who can speak 5 different languages in one sentence. Not an easy combination to follow if your new to our ways on the Hash. We left Mummys boy early on, as his normal local knowlege interpretation of the trail would be taking him way off on some tangent to bring him to the beer stop. Bertrix kept close and started to spot the hidden chalk markings on the road side, she was a quick learner, we passed French Errection and the for mentioned Swiss Roll jibbering incomprencably, the beer stop had somehow eluded them. I decided using a Bears instinct to ignore all calls of On on and proceeded in the direction of Two large cranes close to the run site. This cut straight into the path of FRBs leaving the beer stop for the on in, what a stroke of genius, straight out of the Karma Camelions book of short cuts and even beating Mummys boy the new "Master of the Short Cuts" at his own game. Result! and even got a beer from One Tit along the way in.

Bertix near the finish said, she was going to a special place , and left me for the final 200 meters. Colonic coming in behind her saw her special place, a birdseye view as she was caught fouling the trail. One of a few Down down for miss behaviour. Colonic forgetting to mention later in the circle he sneeked a ride back from the beer stop. One rule for one etc

The pack slowly but surly all returned to the circle, some having had a long and challenging run out in the campo, and it was telling on their faces as they gasped at the beer coolers to try and quech their thirst. Master Bates loves a bit of long haul in the campo, reminds him of his racing days.

Mummys boy looked as though he had miss calculated his short cut, maybe his mathmatical skills are starting to fade,  sweat was pooring out of his beaming red face as he questioned my ability of finding all the short cuts, beating him at his own game is all part of the fun of the Hash.  I bow to the pass masters of this form of Hashing, its not every one who has to feel the burn and slip in extra like King Canute, Big  Mack, Rubber Turd, Master Bates and Justin. Been there done that, now I'm thinking of booking  lessons from Elephant Arse, the true master of all things Hashy.

The New look Brunette Pushy Galor addressed the circle as GM and brought the mixed rabble to order, our two Finns brought in to face the vote on their first Joint run. Lots of comments and the usual banter that ended up as a respectable 8.3, not bad for a pair of nubies to the game of laying a trail. Drink it down down down.

Returners, visitors from outa space, passing ships in the night, and even a pair of Hashers from the US of A had a turn, singing and shouting and of tasting our great Spanish Beer. Our songs sounding tame compared to the Trump empowered voices of are friends from over the pond. God Bless America, and all who sail in her.

Anniversary arseholes included myself at 210 runs with the final presentation of my 200th run Happi coat, missing in transit from last February and last seen on the back of a North Korean despot somewhere north of the 38th parrallel. At least I'm a happi chappi now I can dressi uppi like the resti, but theres always one who has to do better.

BIG MAC and his technicolour dream coat, what a work of art from Willy Wankers Willy Warmer, worth every penny of Big Mac's hard earned petro dollars working in Botswana and other such flesh pots in Africa.

Other anniversarios being

Pepper grinder-30 runs

Quicksand--36 runs

One Tit---110 runs

Lilo Lil----150 runs

Pussy Galore-----280 runs

Uncle Fester-------255 runs

And let that be a lesson to you all, everyone can always try harder.

Ok it was time for Southend's answer to Ken Dodd, Colonic Irrigation to blast a few made up tales of miss fortune and miss behaviour.

Bertrix stash my crisps and beer for later in swiss rolls car, get yourself in here, a classic getting things wrong and being spotted. well done that man and I'm sure she will be eating broken crisps from her back pack for a few weeks to come,and taste one of the stashed cans of beer poured over he head. This old RA didn't miss a trick. But he is starting to forget things from his list of snitches faithfully handed to him from fellow Hashers. But then the real Ken Dodd is still drawing them in at 103, so our Colonic has a long way to go.

Sitting in the circle is only allowed on Very Very hot days, or if your suffering an injury and can't stand, exceptions are made only for Hash royalty,  Elephant Arse, Mummy's Boy and Master Bates, who sadly don't fit in any of the above criteria, but some how cover all the boxes and look every inch the part reclining in their fold up seating devices. This time however the reclining Elephant's extended leg managed to upend One Tit, as she was passing around a tub of home made Rocket Fueled Nassa Strength Salsa,hand made by Dead Animal from the Costa Brava,using only local ingredients and a lot of love. Elephant Arse reluctantly recieving most of this red hot dip in his lap, not for the first time in his life to have something Hot in his crutch. However the laundry bill for this bit of Hot Stuff would surpass some of his previous encounters. We were left with nothing to dip our crisps in.

The On On was a far better place for dipping your crisps, somewhere in Los Bolichas that took 3 sat navs to find and a little inventive parking manuvers. What a place and what a change from Spanish/English food. Three choices of dips and wholesome potatoes and vegetables to supplement my Salmon, or Chicken if you could catch one, or Veg Lassane.

ON ON Finnish style and nice wine, just don't order a whiskey at 640 euros a shot.

Till the next time.


Oh I forgot to mention the little excursion a mumber of us had on the Friday night at El Chaperal Golf club.

The Golden Cascade Selfie Extravaganza.

Everyone was done up in their best bib and tucker for the Hash Christmas Bash at a new venue for most, any Andalucian Classic Car Club members would recognise the place by the Renault 4 starting Handle now framed and on display in the entrance hall. This had to be surgically removed from the chairmans abdomen after a rather long and boring speach provoking one of the guests a few year ago. Who shall not be named for legal reasons, had chosen to attend this years ball in convincing seasonal disguise.

On to the proceedings and Hash presentations for best this and that of the year, best Run ,best new Hasher, best on in, best new hair cut, best shag of the year, best bullshit etc etc . All I remember is that a lot of cups where given to lots of people by the people for the people, so Pussy appeared to be giving herself plenty, and Desperate Dan or Just say When who must have all done plenty to move the Hash forwards, Bleeding Bush looked a little phased at it all, after all its his first Bash and should in my opinion recieved a Special "Carring for a Harriet Award" in his undevoting ability in stearing Aquasex in the direction of Mijas.

The meal was a meal, think I ate Elepant Arse's pudding, as he left without warning after his starter. Later we discovered the Disco Lady had bugged him being a little loud and OTT.

That's what you could have said about GOLDEN CASSCADE and the Bloody Selfie Stick, from the moment she burst into the room arm extended holding her new toy, gripped into its extended arm, Ken's new phone and was she determind to give it some stick. We all remember Wide Open from a few years back as being the Selfie Queen. She has been swept aside by Tracy, who I suspect has the extending pole by her bedside for use at all times. There was nowhere safe and no hiding place from this purtruding photo snapping device, even Seman Stains had his private parts saved on memory stick as she poked Ken's new phone up his Kilt. As the night wore on and the sparse supply of wine had been consumed, Seman returned the favour and Ken should find yet another image of Golden Cascades nether regions embeded into his Phone memory.

Other entertainment being, That Women with the microphone, she could belt them out, too much volume for Elephants sensitive ears but not enough for plenty of others, who strutted their stuff and sang till their lungs burst on he 12 days of Christmas, Gangplank must have  been able to hear it in Corwall, my Hansome. More from Baue Guest as he took to the stage and belted out some classics singing his little socks off, well done and we will not see the back of him for some time.

My last recollection of the night was hearing the call of a Dead Animal from a Taxi," come on Yogi time for Home" so that was it for us, back to Fuengirola.

On On Till Next Year

The Rev George Moony Rtd

It was me dressed as Santa and full marks for all who saw through my cunning disguise.

On On Yogi


Run No :- 1542 Rio Ojen and "Not the Halloween Run"

Hare :- Just Say When

Anniversarios :- Community Chest 115, EggShell Blonde 155 +1, Streaky 435 and Sir Flakey 565

This is your Stand in Scribe, Stand in GM and Stand in Hare (for the circle) reporting!!

Ominously it promised to be a challenging day.

The Hare had set off expecting to meet up with her opposite no., who would be setting the main route in to the run site via La Cala Golf. Having waited an hour and with no Internet and limited phone connectivity it was apparent she was "on her own" and having to make a late start and wouldn't be able to set all of the route in.

Hashers were expected from 3.30 but the only sign was from the lost souls, ringing in for directions. A lone cyclist was spotted but ignored until finally Jizzical came along, saw that it was Pinnochio making his way up from the coast and offered a helping hand. Slowly one by one some 30 Hashers arrived and to even more excitement as they tried to turn on the narrow, 1 in 6 hill and park.

Park!! Our American friend had obviously been away from his Native Land for too long, having forgotten he was supposed to lock his wheels against the kerb on steep hills in order to prevent a runaway. AND that is just what happened!! The car was not in gear, the handbrake not fully applied and 200ft of mountain loomed.

Swing into action our Super Heroes, Megasaurass and Jizzical Ferk were quickly out of the blocks and running down the road and foolishly putting their bodies behind the accelerating Honda. The speed stabalised, as more troops arrived to finally stem the tide. Elephant Arse jumped in and accelerated up the hill, parking above the Black BMW of Egg Shell and Lilo. All was safe barring a possible attack on the grill of their 4x4!

Beers and Water distributed, the Hare set off for the Cava stop and the Circle started. The stand in Scribe, GM / Hare ascertained that 18 would be going to the ON ON and advised that there were seperate starts for the Walkers and Machos. So following the banks of the Rio Ojen all  headed towards the Cava stop some 2kms up stream where the River was wide, the water warm and crystal clear with plenty of large rocks to sit upon. A Doggy and a little girls Heaven. For our Super Hero Jizzical it was on up the firebreak for a Super Macho return. Others headed back over the bend in the river and along the unspoilt Valley.

Anniversaries were suitably celebrated, Sinners held to task and the Hare was awarded a hard earned 9.2

Finally to the ON ON for a good old Anglo Russian Sunday Roast.

Run number 1539 Up in the mountains

First an egg-shell blond joke: There has been a call to rename the British virgin Islands due to the fact that they have now been well and truly fucked.

4 o'clock meet up just east of Mijas for a run promised to be an easy 5.5 KM. summer stroll.

We started at 420 metres above sea-level and then went up and up and up and up and up until finally we levelled off. By this time we were losing the will to live and Swiss roll's nose was pouring with blood from the altitude.

"great views from the beer stop" the hares kept saying trying to deflect the criticism. Yeh, nice views from the top of Everest as well.

The second half was a more pleasant descent back to the cars.

Up yer bum and myself thought it was a good opportunity to pass on hash-shit but having been promised a few votes were let down in the circle.

On-on was a local curry with the turn out being a disappointing 8 out of about 25. Hashers must have known about the curry-house's reputation.

Anniversarios: Mummy 580, Up-yer-bum 640 Sir sparky 375 Lip service 31.

Your Scribe



Run number 1538 Gone to the Dogs!!! Well the directions certainly

had! panic reigned....then...finally instructions, A proposed convoy

from Da Bruno with an E.T.A of 11 minutes to the run site ( via Concorde on steroids! ) The circle convened at Galgo Dog Sanctuary in Alhaurin de la Torre, a worthy cause supported by Mijas HHH. A good turnout for the last of the Sunday morning runs with our worthy hares Aquasex and Speed Bumps. With temperatures in excess of 30deg the promised run" not too far and fairly level" didn't disappoint. The well marked run with the usual distractions kept the pack together to a panoramica vista overlooking the dog sanctuary, then on-on to the beer stop. Yes STOP! The hardy hashers approaching the beer stop were presented with a 2.5M high chain mail LOCKED gate.... Hares and beer on the other side. A system of "order and throw" was quickly implemented.

On leaving the beer stop several kleptomaniac's were guilty of pilfering fruit contrary to hash rule. Leave only footprints and take nothing. The well marked trail was about to change as the numerically challenged hares caused confusion over a numbered check back incorrectly marked.

The Red Barron and Dipper took the circle with the usual punishments for misdemeanour's. Dipper our R.A named our new recruit "Lost the plot a lot". No explanation required!! Anniversarios Appy Ending 60. Jizzical Ferk 235, Pepper Grinder 20. A worthy mark of 8,7 for the hares. The On-On was not far away with three courses and a drink for 10eu!

Well done hares. On-On

Your Scribe

Egg Shell Blonde


Sunday 27 August  Hares: Kindergarten Cop & Norwegian Blue aka Nine-One-One

And now for something completely different...

After the rather bland white sands of Zanzibar and the crumbling edifices of Stone Town, it was time again for the upmarket holiday atmosphere of La Cala with its classy tourists and state-of-the-art architecture. Our Hares had gone to great lengths (5.4 clicks, to be exact) to delight us with a easy peasy run along the magnificent foothills of the area with herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across their slopes and with a bit of sun-drenched beach thrown in as well. One of the Hares, Norwegian Blue aka 911 (“lovely plumage”) had even organized a beer stop next to his natatorium. Mind you, he did take the precaution to build a house around it first – these are Hashers after all. As a result, we had Swiss Roll skulking around the perimeter to sneakily find a way in, but she was unsuccessful and was left pining for the mini-fjord.

At this stage, one of the visiting Hares, Sir Humpalot, after putting down his coconut shells, realized he had lost his running mate, Peter No Name. This gave rise to some name suggestions, e.g. Lost Cause and Lost Property, but all this was nipped in the bud by Clogdancer who did the complete R.A. spiel while marking the run... Now, it will have to be next week, when the Mijas H3 is really going to the dogs.

After this, a small group of rather silly hashers made their way back to the car park following the flour, while the rest made us of their fine orientation skills to make a straight bee line for home. Surprise, surprise, though, when the whole car park had suddenly been moved 90є, turning the whole thing into an A to B run with no previous warning.

The score for all this excitement came to a 8.5, I believe and after a rather wet circle – Clogdancer thought that throwing beer on top of the R.A. was the funniest thing ever, but we all know that the funniest joke ever invented was the famous 'Mein Hund hat keine Nase.' 'Also, wie riecht er?'

'Schrecklich!', a joke that killed half the British Intelligence (sorry for the oxymoron) before it could be put to use against the Krauts – we all postponed to the Indian restaurant.

We had a lovely meal there, until Sir Shaggalot started to ask the waiter all sorts of funny questions... it started off innocent enough: 'where is the chef from?' and 'does he like things that smell of fish?', but after our Knight of the Square Table had imbibed his fair share of vino collapso it quickly deteriorated. When he said 'Excuse me, but I have a bit of a dirty fork“, Lip Service and I quietly bade our goodbyes, just before Mongo the chef came out of the kitchen with a massive carving knife. Let's see how many Hashers will be left for next week's Doggy Style run...

Oh, and the 'Aniversarios':

Norwegian Blue 5 ex-runs

Community Chest 110 runs

Gardener 55 runs

IzzyinYet 115 runs

Kindergarden Cop 490 runs

On on!

Just In, with a kind wink of dedication to the Life of Bryan, a scribe-no-more, whose boots I am not worthy of licking.

Run Report 1533  Guadalmas bird Santuary.

Sunday 30th July

Hares Seamen Stains and Appy ending

Great start to the run. Missed the last HHH sign and was just about to go back when UpyerBum said "Look a short cut across the beach" Stupidly I followed her advice and the photo above shows the result, Well and truly stuck. Even the combined efforts of 10 hashers could not budge us. Fortunately a good Samaritan Spaniard came along with a 4x4 and a tow rope and got us out of the mess.

Having delayed the hash by half an hour we finally set off at 5 pm for what the hares called a short run in the bird sanctuary. Seamen decided that 80 years of hashing with checks all over the world was probably a mistake so decided to do away with them, causing some confusion. "Slow down, take your time at the  "BV" Bird views" Seamen kept saying worried that the run would be over in 30 mins. He wasnґt wrong. Half the pack missed the beer stop and were waiting at the end with no refreshments.

Some silly high marks kept the average high. The current hash shits - dogsy & upyerbum awarded hash shits also thirded by Clog Dancer. 3 hash shits was not enough-damnit!

The meal was supposed to be at a great pizza restaurant except it was closed so everyone buggered off. It's not too late for a posthumous hash shit award.

The good news is that nobody died. Maybe we should stop scaremongering and just get on with the hash.



P.S. No stats 'cos I put the stats paper in the wash.


Run Report 1532 Alhaurin al Grande

Sunday 23rd July 1600hrs

Hares Just Say When, Uncle Fester and Sticky Tart,

Well my start to the Run was not the best, a terrible Hangover, pounding head, and nothing to eat all day was not the best start, and soon to get even worse. After having set off for Alhaurin in plenty of time, the Rav 4 decided to flash all the light on the dash, splutter and spit and we had to return home pick up another car, dump the broken down one at the garage and start all over again. Consequently I forgot my shoes. We arrived about 20 minutes late, Sir Flakey ran off to get in the photo leaving me with an 8 kilo water melon to carry, the hash potty and subsequently the scribe report. Not a happy hasher.

Anyway enough of my miseries,  everyone ran off at a tremendous pace despite the 30 plus degree heat  and after declining Karma Chameleons kind offer of a pair of size 10 shoes, I set off in a pair of flip flops as the Hare said I would be fine. A well-marked trail leading off into the nice shady  pine trees. It was soon quite obvious that I was indeed wearing unsuitable footwear, pine needles, twigs and rocks hampered my progress, and I was soon overtaken by our love birds Justin and Lip Service who although expressing great concern over my footwear still left me tripping and flipping. I was Billy no mates, alone in the forest as even little Eve abandoned me, After about 2.5 kms a steep downhill climb definitely not suitable for the flip flop wearers, a rocky river bed also not suitable for said footwear, I found Little Eve, everyone else and the beer stop. Thankfully the Water melon had made it to the beer stop and along with a huge chunk of that and a piece of Sticky Tarts incredible sticky Chocolate Brownie, a hairy dog drink and the hangover was starting to subside.

Two choices from here the Macho trail or the walkers trail. For me I took the easy option, a ride in the car with Just Say when, my feet were wrecked. Back at the start, the hares unloaded the car, Sticky Tart brought out even more cake and the drinks started to flow, I found a comfy spot to sit and was presented with a frozen glass of Harvey Wallbanger, Fresh orange juice, vodka and Galliano, I was in heaven.

After about 40 minutes the walkers started to arrive and after what seemed like another hour the machos came in with differing reports from their electronic wristbands, phones and assorted Indian tracking devices told of a trail somewhere between 8.9 to 12 kms long. With water for the dogs to play in, lots of sunny spots and lots of hills. The circle was quickly called as dinner was waiting, there were a few anniversaries, I can’t remember who as by now I was on my fourth cocktail, and we still didn’t manage to come up with a name for Roger Seymore although personally I liked Seemore Butt.  The run gained a well earned 8.6???

Sir Flakey managed to do an all in one speedy punishment for all the sinners, and off we went for Dinner, an excellent value meal at the Frog and Toad, a starter, Ham Egg and chips and nice wine. So much for staying off the booze for a day!!

Thankyou Hares for a superb run and introducing me to the Harvey Wall banger, now my favourite cocktail.

Your Scribe Stiffanny ON ON


Summer Campout Runs 1527/1528

Hash Scribe on behalf of Bleeding Bush! OWE ME A BJ!
As he wimped out after 5 minutes it's left to dear old Aquasex to scribe....that has to be dinner and a bit of horizontal folk dancing thrown I had NONE this weekend!
Ok, so we woke to an overcast Lake Negratin and our prayers were answered so we ran, scrambled and skidded through the first half in relative low temps for June! A bit of dodgy trail setting at the beginning but then we were ON ON! Nice Sunday trail that most of us were very grateful for having had a skinful (or a Tentful...ORANGE BARRY!!!!) the night before. The most unfeasibly good beerstop known to Man/Dog/Hasher...swimming out to Flakey&MB floating bar replete with Beer and laughs! DOGS on the bar: Evie shivering like a dog on methadone on a downer!
Captain Pugwash and Captain Hook did us proud laying on L ilos for Lil and the rest of us! We did not want to leave but the circle and lunch beckoned!
On in was super with Desperate Dan losing his sunglasses and telling me THE BOSS would not be pleased as they are her fave sunnies...LOL
Well thanks to Bleeding Bush being MIA our Tent had been wrestled back into its bag and we were all ready for the circle!
Highlight was our song for EUROHASH with Uncle Fester impersonating Sara Baras/Joaquin Cortes...well kinda i his Spanish Pinnie!
Endless down downs for Sir Flakey and Mummys Boy who were doing the Ministry of SIlly walks by the end!
Adorable Marco got christened "Lucky Bastard"
Lost property...well who'd have thunk it, I won that!
Anniversarios (and by the way how many the F runs have I done to date...oh yeah why bring it up as my tankard is MIA in Rota!!!).
BJ from a DJ 15 love the wedding suit!
Sir Flakey 560 GET A LIFE and a friggin TENT!
Spermaid 265 hot apartment..serve you right for not camping!
Rubherturd 290 Ditto above!
Blown a seal 55 she camped she is OK by me!
Beano 5
Scouse Git 5
Aquasex still has no idea how many runs she's done! something over 50! Help El Cid!!!!
LUNCH! bedlam but the Paella beat the arse out of the Galgo Paella...Streaky ate Eggshells Plawn Clocktail and we never heard the last of it...replete with Maraschino liquid garnish a la Bernie Inn circa 1973...
May I say, on behalf of ALL of us a HUGE Thank you to all the organisers for another incredibly well organised Run, food and booze...we can do Eurohash without even thinking about it!


Mijas HHH

Run 1526 the Absent Father's Day Run


Pussy Galore and One-Tit.

As befits her, the GM reached out her grand Poseidon Trident and decreed that another innocent, and near virgin to boot, be tasked with being “Scribe” this week.

So after the usual misreading of instructions, myopic HHH signage and frantic phone calls a rag-tagged group of hashers eventually arrived at the rendezvous for usual briefing and take-on of liquid refreshment.

....and so the 1526 ‘dogging’, sorry Hash, commenced in usual 30 degree heat, taking on a mixed terrain of campo, street, diminished riverbeds and what looked like on occasion people’s back yards. I’m surprised the local police have not taken us all screaming to the cells. After some sneaky flower markings that managed to keep the majority of us together and a lot of ‘effing’ and ‘blinding’ from the front runners we turned up at what was to be one of two beers stops. Nice. Makeshift water containers were made from drunken beer cans (as if a reason was needed) due to lack of similar sized water bottles being in short supply.... tut tut....

The second leg to the second “tinto” stop took us, like the first, through the backwaters of El Coto and Campo Mijas, a tide of fluorescent coloured shirts, hot pants and bandannas plus a baying pack of dogs keeping the neighbourhood wondering what the f### had arrived. The third leg back to Circle taking the now usual attempt to get everybody wet or lacerated with bamboo.

Due to the GM being this week’s Hare the Circle was brought together by acting GM Salmonella Rushdie who in his power crazed moment launched into scathing retribution to..... well anybody in his line of sight. Hares were led into the Circle and a very commendable 8.8 average score was given (always helped of course by having extra beer stops). Roles of Honour were cast on tablets of stone with:

Squeeze my Tits on 6 runs

Megasaurarse on 90 runs

Community Chest reaching 100 runs

One Tit on 106 runs

Aphrodisiac on 245 runs

Knockout Neptune on 270 runs

But leading this week’s pack is.... (drum roll)....

Colonic Irrigation with a mighty 340 runs.

Get a life was duly sung or mumbled as down downs were...  downed.

Those with sandals and flip flops were brought into the Circle and after a round of “Mijas Got Talent” judging by remaining Hashers Kindergarten Kop was judged most inapt footwear (...again) and made to take the long arm of the beer penalty whilst holding said beer with the offending flip flop. A ‘feet’ (noticed the play on words...) certainly proving entertaining.

The Circle was then handed over to the AD Megasaurarse to cleanse the group.

The Hen Party (you know who you were) without Bride-to-Be, took a down down and regaled of “lovely times being massaged and letting their breasts loose on unsuspecting hotel guests”.

Near virgin newbies Heather and Ray caught a down down for living 200 meters from the Circle but getting lost finding it (..sic). Ray stayed and was joined by Salmonella Rushdie where denouncement of terrorist activities was made for deliberately wasting beer. Rubber Turd caught a down down for not calling “On On” to his fellow Hashers (tut tut) and Megasaurarse took one for seeming falling over again although it has to be said not from excess beer (...yer)

Circle proceeding over we all adjourned to La Luna for BBQ and Pimms. After the usual practice of turning normality into chaos and much shifting of chairs and tables (I half expected music to be stop starting with the odd chair going missing) our hosts were able to bring out the delicious fare. Pussy Galore waved her Trident again and each table dutifully took processional to the trough and the consummation of food to mouth imbibed with wine took place.

Gang Plank bid us a sad farewell as he journeys back to Asia and rendered us his swansong of “The Wild Rover”.  Bon voyage old timer. This poem is for you...

“With the sun setting fast, Hashers drifted away

on what was another successful day

... except one who now goes into the wild world yonder

You’d lived to be that grey-haired wonder

... here in sunny Andalusia you will be missed

...... unlike a bad fart when someone gets pissed.......

So off you go to Asia fair

Shouting “won’t anybody give me a ride to the beer”

My old friends are all drinking

...... and I’m stuck out here.......


Your humble scribe

The man with no name (aka. Tall dude aka. Man with two dogs) 



Run no.1524
Hares Aphrodisiac/ Sir Flakey


These were the departing words of GM as I left the hash  on SUNDAY.
.'THIS WOMAN ' is like a dog with a BONE. .Never gives IN and She will not sleep tonight thinking about what she will do to me next week,.... but as I am a good Hasher and would not want to do that is this week's scribe.  & If  I don't write it tonight I am afraid of catching what she has.......Now !!!!  what is  the word  I am looking for? .........OH Yes.....ALZHEIMER'S....

Nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon  25 mad  hashers (including myself)  turned up in 30 degree heat to do a run at KM 4 Alhaurin/ Coin..
ON arrival at run site  Sir Flakey was waving and giving very animated hand gestures as to where to park the cars .
.GO Back!..... Not there!... Under the tree!
Sheep Shagger who had just parked  was ordered to moove or else!!!
Once the strategically  cars where all parked up to SIR FLAKEY'S satisfaction then we ventured out of the cars to greet and meet  our fellow hashers.
After a few Hello's/  KIsses/ chats etc circle was called by GM
PUSSY Gallore /AKA PINK BARON/AKA ALZHEIMER.....phew!!! No place left on her Happy coat for those badges with a name as long as this.!!
Aphrodisiac explained the  run markings  with a little help from Sir Flakey so our Virgins and visitors could understand ..
After the group photo was taken by Seamen Stains...we set off for the 1st half  of the trail...which surprisingly  ( NOT )
went down , down  and down to then only go up, up & up...coming across a very tired  Streaky  &  Bella taking a break from the strenuous hill, & heat under a tree .
I left Lucky with Streaky as she had decided to go back to the comfort of her own air conditioned car ..
Terrain was quite slippery underfoot to say the least and then  Sweet & Low goes and spots  this great shortcut. in  true hashing spirit we took it....
Down into the river bed we  go and a lot of  hashers not wanting to get their feet wet .shall mention no names...!!! ;)
Welcoming relief to see the BS and Sir Flakey providing us with Tinto de Verano /water etc etc..
2nd half of run was Up and UP and up..& UP...
U.Y.B... thumbed a lift in the ever reliable hash transport  provided by Karma Chameleon for those with  weary legs, bad knees , doggy hearts, heavy wallets etc etc.. to the higher ground where she got out and  carried on doing the trail.
(Good on ya girl) !!
Back at the cars, time to take these trainers off, get a bit spruced up ready  for the Circle.
Score's where given for the run..
It was not the run of the year but a good run of I think 8.7 marks was awarded...
well done hares...
The usual anniversaries, returners where acknowledge.
As no RA present so it was down to AD Megasaurarse to clense us of our sins.
Unfortuanletly he wasn't given many snitches so it was a short and brief circle wich if I recall correctly about 4 down down's being given and most of them where to the same stupid person known as PG/PB/AZ..for being well. ....Stupid...!!!

Any other business. ..

Stiffany talked about the up coming camp out..and those who where not going made to have a down down .
U.Y.B saying she wasn't going, Stiffany saying YES you are. .No I am not , yes you this stage  I am  confused and I am sitting  in a nice cool, wet  cooler bin and dying for a beer.. so I look in the cooler and Oh  to my horror !! it's full of bloody Coca COLA. ..and no one is paying any attention to me and my needs. ..
Do not turn your back , scratch your arse, pick your nose or even  walk to get  a beer  because SHE GM   !! will have you..and make you do the scribe...
I can not tell you how refreshing it was to be sat in the cooler box on such a hot day and as we are approaching our hot summer I think  it would be good to bring back some Tradition  to the hash in the form of a block of ice or  a sin bin..
( Most of us bring a change of clothes and if you don't.... well..your fault!!)
II think all hashers should experience this phenomenon.....and specially those that try and bend the Traditional hash  rules to their own advantage....emmm.... say like. .. SIR Flakey... what stage should you take your hat off and have a beer..??? whilst entering the circle, whilst having the Down Down beer?? 

Shame on you S.F..and a serious offense that needs seeing to in the form of icing if I may say so .....God Bless ya..!


Anniversarios For What I REMEBER  Where

Streaky...420 runs

U.Y.B. 600 + runs

5 knucle Shufel 60 ? Runs..

Sorry if I missed anyone out...


On ON was at venta EL GALOPE and cheerful  they say  (not been) and B.Y.O food. .

Your scribe

Golden Cascade.

Run 1521 - Hare: Mummy May 14th.

HMV and I followed the route instructions 'take left turn at La Cala Golf to Hash site'

10 Kms. Later ,after a stage of the Alpine Rally, we found the start in the foothills of La Mairena.

30 odd hashers, some extremely odd, were quivering with anticipation viewing the mountainous scenery. The willing throng set off on the non PC Women's and Wimps trail, other than the brave few who had decided to hurl themselves down into the valley.

After a pleasant saunter we arrived at the Beach Stop which transpired to also be the Beer Stop.

Just In led his flock into the river hoping for mass baptism but nobody followed. Finally, Megasaurarse treated us all to a mighty bellyflop and once the tsunami had subsided others followed for a swim. Not wishing to miss out I ventured forth but realised that my wallet would be immersed. As it is illegal to launder money in Spain I decided to wade across attempting to keep my bits from getting wet, alas, once it was up to my knees it was too late.

The trail then followed the river bed accept we were forced to negotiate some vicious rocks that claimed one or two unfortunate hashers.In compensation the scenery was spectacular.

Then ,all that was left, was a very long uphill slog to the finish , the stragglers being treated to Crockerdile Dundee aka Mummys Boy giving lifts in his shuttle bus.

Pushy Galore (sic) as Grand Mattress,led the circle followed by Just In as RA telling us of Shagaholic (very sic) apparently cradling her head on Two Pies lap lap while he was driving to the start. The new assistant RA? Megasaurarse was obviously impressed as he then took over the circle and told us all the same story again, perhaps he will get the idea with a little more practice.

Sweet and Low then provided a long list of anniversaries and, hopefully won,t forget my 375th next week.

In true Mijas tradition the circle continued with all the usual crass comments and inane inuendo, accompanied by the braying of the hashettes.

Great stuff! The run scored 9.6, well deserved.

Wonderful shirts and polos were distributed before the run featuring the Mijas donkey composed of all the hashers names, except mine! I,m really pissed off to be drummed out of the brownies, perhaps they thought I had passed on.

No comment on the On On as we went for an Indian instead.

Your scribe, Sir Sparky, YOB.


Run 1520 -Hares: Sweet&Low and Stiffanny May 7th.

Big Mac, late cummer, is this week’s scribe. I will start by blaming the hares, Sweet & Low and Stiffany, for sloppy directions which resulted in me accidentally taking the toll road to Mijas and back again clocking some €10 in tolls. I am considering legal action.

Anyway whatever run in the 1500’s this was took place in the hills behind La Canada. There was some debate as to whether it was truly virgin territory or not and without Mummy’s Boy to take issue the pack concluded that it might indeed be. The aforementioned Mummy’s Boy and several others were absent this week having defected to another hash hosting an away weekend at some unspellable and unpronounceable shit hole in Morocco.  Even HRH Pussy Galore was in absentia so a reluctant Sir Flakey had to stand in as GM. This was probably the warmest day of the year so UV warnings were issued by the hares and sun cream was made available to those of lighter skin.,

The run got off to shaky start with the hares waving their hands in various directions to indicate the initial flour. Within a matter of minutes the FRBs were scattered to the four corners of the wind but eventually the trail was stumbled upon. Things quickly improved and views to the soon to be Spanish Gibraltar and Africa were stunning. The pack kept together well due to the wimps wandering aimlessly and a beer and a cava stop were enjoyed with optional swimming in mud. Back at the start the picnickers unloaded their hampers and marquees. Sir Flakey then called the circle. The hares were awarded a rather generous 9.1 for their 6.7km but I suspect that the increasingly blonde Shagadelic who was in charge of maths while Mummy’s Boy was on safari may have got her divisors and multiplicands mixed up. There were a few returnees including one couple (Strawberry Nipples or some such) who had been away for so long that no one could remember who they were. There were no anniversarios which is suspicious. Salmonella Rushdie was RA and immediately launched into sexual innuendos. Gangplank was soon aroused and offered his body to anyone willing. Surprisingly Strawberry fields was game and played with his ample bosom and erect nipples. News that he was returning to the UK for a Czech up was greeted with joy. Shaggy, who may soon need to be renamed as she admitted to having been celibate for a long time and whose latest boyfriend is apparently very shy and lives in the Arctic circle was chastised. The Wankers were also called in. Big Mac presented then with a knitted willy warmer that he had outgrown thanks to exercises and pills. The stand in GM did a mug check to get rid of surplus beers and the circle was closed and the picnic officially inaugurated. Next week’s run is a mystery and will only happen if the hares can escape the harem in Morocco. Big Mac had to get home the only way he knew which was by taking the toll road to Mijas and doing a U turn back to Marbella.


On On


Run 1519 -Hares: Jut say when & Streaky

Run 1519

Bring a change of shoes they said. May get wet feet they said!

First 20 minutes was fine with rolling hills and wild flowers.

We then descended into the valley of death. Just say when was the gatekeeper to make sure no one had the cheek to do the Wimps trail.

After a few near death experiences by Justin, Uncle Fester, Aphrodisiac and myself we made it to the beer stop. Everyone else has buggered off after eating all the cake kindly prepared by sticky tart

The second half was a little bit easier except for the near vertical climb back to the cars.

A few comments about Run of the year etc with a few 9.9's left the hares very happy.

Circle was led by the GM Salmonella keeping the beer flowing.

Annaversarios: Kinda 400, Flakey 555 except he didn't turn up preferring to watch Everton get thrashed. Dogsy 730 (Get a life).

On-on to the restaurant except I wasn't there.





Hash Scribe   Run Number 1517  16 April 2017

Hares – Stiffany /Flakey           At  - El Lagarejo

Never have the words “shitty trail” had such deep and profound meaning. Shitty, smelly, olerous in the extreme are the words that come immediately to mind as we sloshed through the mierda in the two streams that the trail took us through. However the initial part of the trail was good with some tiny tracks in deep campo, yet so close to Fuengirola. There was of course a tunnel, a double one in fact, but we expect nothing less of Stiffany. It was well marked in a location that, while close to the city, we don't often run in. There was both a beer and a cava stop with some really great cake.  In fact I guess it was that, that saved the day for the  hares, for they were given quite a good mark in the circle.

Anniversarios were -              Finnish Me Off Two 15, Saw Me Come 15, Five Knuckle Shuffle 55, Gerry Can 195, Just Say When 260, Streaky 415, Gang Plank 415 and Up Yer Bum 625.

The On On was at El Brujo with the usual excellent food, but rather slow service,  despite pre-ordering by the hares.

Your scribe

Kindergarden Cop


Hash Scribe   Run Number 1514  26March 2017

Hares – Just Say When/Bloody Pinochio           At  - El Higueron

La plume de ma tante   sainte fairy Ann  defense de fumer  ou est le papier   plat du jour  petit dejeuner   Paris st Germain  gare du nord   le fromage  hau he hau he hau   pomme de terre   peage l'autoroute    vin de table  les clefs de la porte   pattes de grenouille   le periferique   chateau neuf du pape  bonjour les enfants   sortie   ou sont les w c   voiture        il est strictement interdit de cracher sur la voie.

 Your scribe

Kindergarden Cop

OK that's got the French version whacked off (piece of piss)

now for the English, by French Erection  -

 We had a hash. We went down, we went up and in and out and on tiny tracks in beautiful campagne. I wanted some nachos but there weren't any.  Then through tunnels  and had a beer stop on the beach   and it was good. Then through another tunnel and up and down and up and up and we got back up. We drank a lot of beer, but there were still no nachos. Then the circle. We all thought it was a good. The score was 9.2.  There were some anniversarios – Quick Sand 30, Appy Ending 45, French Erection 75, Elephant Arse 255, Sweet and Low,  Streaky 415, Kindergarden Cop 475, Swiss Roll 285.   Then off to tres bon meal.

Votre Scribe

French Erection


MH3 Run # 1513 18 March 2017

The Goblins Were Evident Two Days After!

Hares: ЁJust Say WhenЁ, ЁUncle FesterЁ, ЁSticky TartЁ

Turn-out: 38

Run Rating: 8.5

Location:Barranco Blanco


Shmoosky: 50 and a patch

Cradle Snatcher: 165

Sticky Tart: 225

Afrodesiac: 235

Salmonella Rushdi: 275

Dipper:                      650







Absolutely beautiful on a glorious, sunny, Spring afternoon. 

Not particularly well marked. Many (+-20) got lost on the first half, eventually arriving at the Beer Stop in time to completely miss Stickyґs really good cheese-cake.


Crystal clear, ankle deep water in an unavoidable, but pleasant little river. Some show offs went for a dip and/or went starkers in/under a pretty little waterfall. (How do you properly spell the name of that shy guy, with the 3-4 year old daughter, who seems intent on regularly displaying his goods?) 


Dogs, dogs, dogs! I think too many on this run. I really, really like dogs, but personally feel that dogs should be kept on a lead and absolutely be kept out-of-the Circle, unless on leads, both at the start and the finish. (My personal favorites are Chloe and Lucky!) Not all dogs are equally well behaved and under control. I respectfully request that serious dog control to be discussed yet again and action be agreed upon at the next Committee meeting. Too many dogs, especially uncontrolled ones, can be very irritating and distracting. Many hashes ban dogs for the avoidable hassle they cause. I feel that if owners can not/will not control their dogs they should either not bring them to the hash, take a completely separate and opposite trail well away from we humans or have them closed inside a car parked well away from the group….so that their yelps are not heard.


Beverage Supply: (A Memory Problem or too many hares …..each who may have thought it was anotherґs  responsibility?)

Someone forgot to bring the large bottles of beer for down-downs. No problem. There were enough cans. Fester did the sleeve taking responsibility. Always a good sport!


Umbrella Returned:

If he hadnґt looked so comical holding the tiny thing over his head it may not have been returned to Cradle Snatcher, who left it behind at Yogiґs recent rainy day BBQ.


Sex In The Circle:

Just-In and Lip Service ….again. 

Gud on ya! (Get it while you can! Dirty old men need love too!)


Defoliating the Countryside: (Considerate Hashers donґt do that!)

Wild rosemary was in bloom and found its way into the shoulder bags of one of our virgins + a visitor who didnґt know of our passion for protecting nature as we pass through it. 


The On-On was at Finca La Mota:

Sorry, we missed it! Sorry we missed it!


Glorious Day, Outstanding Venue, Great turn-out, Lots of good fun!


Thanks to the hares for their excellent arrangements  and their choice of a very special venue….and their consideration by setting a special trail for the walking wounded and/or lazy old buggers.




Your Scribe: EA


Run 1510.

Made a decision around 2 p.m. Weather looking warm and sunny so a nice Spring run was on the cards.

How wrong can you be? Arrived at the start of the run to be met with an icy blast from somewhere in the Antarctica.

Runners were reluctant to leave the shelter of their cars.

We were promised a tricky first half and an easier second half which was about right. Steep slippery slopes to manouver both up and down.

Eventually climbing to the highest point of the day, a fabulous view overlooking the coast in a fire-break shelter although I wouldn't call the hut with 90 Km. winds very much shelter.

Lots of sticky tarts with lashings of cava put everyone in a better mood. The second half was a simple walk down to the cars.

Hares received a magnificent 8.8 marks. Well done guys. Thanks for all your hard work. (Get a life).

Dipper did a very good job of RA'ing. The highlight was the birthday cake on Community Chest's head. Eggs, flour, soggy buscuits and ICE-cold beer was the order of the day.

She is now recovering well from frost-bite in the Costa-Del-Snow hospital.





Thanks for a good run in a very nice nature. The view was fantastic ! ! ! And special thanks for Cavas and a very nice cake ! ! !

Master Bates / PHOTOlof

Run 1510. Hares: 5-Mil and HMV
Ok here is your hash sheet...turned up late..thanks Mum! Now I have to write the Hash Sheet!
William and Jensen made me even later taking the scent of a cat when I was trying to coax them into Granmas car! down down for 2 bassets!

Arrived and given hash scribe...we enjoyed the first half...ALONE..and thanks be to god the hares kept us all together...

Nice Beer stop..then it all went PEAR SHAPED! Jensen William and I felt like BILLY NO MATEs lost trail eventually went ON IN with 2 knackered hounds!

I took the run numbers from Sweet and LO and managed to wonder why I had an OLD mercadona receipt and binned it in BP gasolinera BIN when I was washing my car and am NOT digging in there to find it..sorry!

You know who you are..get a life! I had too many down downs to mention! 3 Tena ladies induction and Jans CHRISTENING WERE THE HIGHLIGHTS!!
on on was amazing buffet!

Run  1509.

This will be a short report as the run is still going, but I am at home on the sofa already!

After confusion about the direction the sign points to I arrived 15 minutes late. I was not the only one either.

At least it was dry and a reasonable turnout considering several of our regulars are traveling. So then the hare points out to me that my wellies are not high enough to cross the river... And the run is only 7 km...

So we set of uphill, downhill and come to the river. Crossing means holding on to a rope while wading through knee high cold water. And it starts raining again.

Not doing that. I am trying to nurse my cold, not torture it. So back to the cars and home I go.

Better luck next week!

Run 1508  12th Feb 2017

Ski hash/weekend

Hares – Mummies Boy and Pussy Galore           At  - Sierra Nevada

An outstanding weekend... with hashers arriving on different days throughout the period. By Sunday there were 11 of us for the actual hash. Great skiing on the Friday and Saturday, was followed on the Sunday (the hash day) with the unfortunate news that the pistes were closed because of high winds. Nnnnooooo! This was especially unfortunate for those who had come up just for the day. However, we managed a hash of sorts. Our joint hare, Mummies Boy, (along with Pussy Galore) got to use his fluorescent red paint and there were, ultimately, many down downs. Certainly an event to be repeated in the future.

Your Scribe

Kindergarden Cop


Run 1505  22 January 2017

Hares: Speed Bumps and Aqua Sex aka Rota Floater

The What A Load of Rubbish Bins Run

An exciting day indeed, as the Mijas HHH staged its own inauguration of the New Alternative Fact Era, i.e. joining the rest of the world in making the final transition from half-mind to no-mind.

The venue chosen for this memorable event was Fuengirola's municipal rubbish dump and rubbish truck compound, a magnificent setting if I ever saw one – laden with history; the remnants of thousands of lovingly cooked family meals and other assorted garbage, every bit of it telling its own tale, now dumped in rows and rows of rubbish bins surrounding the Circle. The resident rats were enjoying a veritable gourmet experience, tucking into a variety of international left-overs; paella, bratwurst, hamburgers, you name it. They did not touch the chewed-out bits of lamb in mint sauce, though, even rats have standards.


And the turn-out... Well, the turn-out was a bit of a sour point, really. There were some reports that there weren't that many people present. They claimed there were some gaps in the circle and one reporter even went as far as saying that there were more dogs than people on this run...

I asked a big bald guy in a red hat about this and he gave me his version: “Today is a historical Hash day! It's going to be a fantastic run and the turn-out here is just yuuuge! Don't fall for the malicious intentions of the commie-pinko-slimy-scumbag media; sleeving is too good for the swines! Some very important Hashers have told me, and I mean, some Very Important Hashers, that this is a unique event; more Hashers have turned up for this than for any other Rubbish Hash. And not only that, we have only the Best Hashers here, we settle for nothing less. It's true!”


I had to leave this enthusiastic participant, as he was beginning to froth at the mouth at this stage and  joined the pack on its way up the hills. We had been told there would be two options, the Swingers vs. The Machos and pretty soon the latter group were making their way up to the very top, no doubt heading for Swiss Rolls favourite beer-stop. From what I hear, the only reason they never made it that far, was a very deceptive Check Back and a Naughty Arrow pointing in the wrong direction. Just as well, as this misled one of the Virgins, a slight and quiet woman I had been highly suspicious of. Not only did this virgin come with Swiss Roll, a Hasher that speaks an unintelligible lingo, sounding a bit like Arabic, but she also had her head covered and was carrying a yuuuge ruck-sack. No doubt desperate after trying to follow the trail, she finally detonated herself somewhere near the Higueron petrol station from where thick black smoke emanated just before we ended the circle. Either that, or King Kanute's wife had been burning the currywьrst.


She was not the only casualty that day. Gordon Ramsme Too also felt he had too much of a heavy load going up the mountain, so decided to alleviate the weight and treated his fellow runners to a yuuuge Technicolour Yawn.. The most worrying thing about all this is the fact that Gordon is a Chef and had prepared his own food the night before. What was the name of that restaurant you were working for again, Gordon..?


The ones that didn't get lost, blown up or blown out did have a nice run, though. Kindergarden was very enthusiastic about the mountains, the views and life in general upon his return. One of these whippersnappers about to leave home and embark on life's magical journey in the company of his chosen better-half.. romantic stuff, eh?


There was also a circle, although it was a bit confusing. There were several people in the circle at once, all performing duties simultaneously and I saw One Tit being married off to a bunch of three follically challenged, but loaded guys. I heard it was all in vain, though, as she rejected each one of them in favour of her Little Drummer Boy.

The big bald guy with the red hat, who I had interviewed earlier on, was one of the rejected suitors, but that didn't stop him from trying to get his socks off elsewhere. First, I saw him hanging around our GMH, Miss Galore, making some strange grabbing movements, but then, unable to catch her, he went on to vye for the favours of some Slovenian or Croatian young lady. Somewhere from the Balkans anyway and although she was a bit Sweaty, she was well-fit and willing to accept a complete wardrobe offered to keep her warm.


Anyway, by this time we were all shaking and shivering, so it was time to get a move on. Ah, nearly forgot, the “anniversarios”:


Lip Service 15, Quicksand 25, Five Knuckle Shuffle 50, Stitched Up 100, Just In 200 and Colonic Irritation 335 r*ns; these were some of the sad bar stewards called out.


We all postponed to the restaurant as fast as our frozen toes could carry us and were then feasted on dishes that reflected the earlier theme of the run.. Personally, I couldn't care less at that stage, as I was frozen and starving, so great food as far as I was concerned. More importantly, the Hares, who had probably told the restaurant to expect between 10 and 15 people and then showed up with 45 odd did an awesome job taking orders, translating for the knobheads that still don't speak the lingo, etc. and finally ended up eating their cold dishes on a stool in the corner... That is dedication, the rest is Donkey Sheet.


Just In Augurated



Run No 1499  The Challenging One 

Part One

Near Mijas Pueblo in a lay-by

Hares Mummy s Boy & Just Say When

The first Non Malaga Saturday run for Mijas, but endorsed by Malaga of course, thanks to Lee Marvin to enable the 1500 th run to be held after the celebrations at the Valparaiso restaurant nearby later that same day. But more about that later.

The 11am start was a new one again, as I stumbled out of my bed in the Reyosol Hotel in Fuengirola wishing I hadn't had the Pacharan to finish off the night, Sir Sparky and Elephant Arse are always good company to spend a few late hours in Fuengirola, but along with the rain and the thought of a 'Just Mummy say when boy' trail to face. I wished I hadn't been so enthusiastic in my remedy for the impending Bear Flu that I knew was about to bite me. The Fenadol complex granulado para solution oral mixed with Soborano had felt like a good idea at the time, now dressed in a mixture of redundant cycling/walking and running gear I set off to collect Sir Sparko from his doss hole on the pasao. On collection at the said time of 1030 we proceeded up the wrong way of a one way street with Sparko just casually mentioning  that he thought I was on the wrong side of the central reservation, but it was ok because we are in Spain! His reassurance and contagious laughter making me feel better at my obvious Fenadol Haze driving technique. Onwards and upwards to Mijas on the right side of the road with a detour around the del sol Hotel to find markings to the run site.

What a turn out, 24 on a Saturday morning with the prospect of further rain, and pain from the terrible duo from the campo, well known for finishing off many a hardy Hasher with their tough trails. 

All the formalities over with and the Trail was explained as being "challenging" by Mummys boy, 6 hours to lay yesterday before the rain and a further 2 hours between them in the morning. Some may think wow lets get to it and shot off with great vigour in their step, others like Elephant Arse and myself took the honorable way out and took the Sticky Tart Motor to the Beer stop.   

Lee Marvin must have been in the beer truck with Mummys Boy as we all had a jolly time awaiting the arrival of the FRBs. A First Aid alert was attended by Sticky and Elephant who never returned. Sticky brought back a limping  5 knuckle shuffling along on a sprained foot. 

Elephant had just gone home realising the terrain was a little too Challenging!

King Canute came running in and could bearly speak, he was in a hash orgasmic state, gibbering that was the best run ever and every run should be like this, he was uncontrollable till we managed to inject some beer into him and calm him down. Meggasorearse was in a similar condition as was Sir Sparky and most of the others at the relief of finding the Beer Stop unscathed and in one piece.

As the Beer Stop began to become over crowded with over enthusiastic Hashers I slipped out on the in trail as I to was expecting more Challenges before the on in...

I was soon overtaken and the scrambling was as I had come to expect from a Mummy just say when boy collaboration. I needed a push here and there to get through so god knows what the first half was like!

The On In was a welcome sight as the rain was still threatening with dark clouds rolling over head. (who said Head)  A quick change and we had a hurried circle with the most entertaining being the spilling of the beans by GM Pussy, that One Tit on her recent stateside visit to New York with the aging rock star HMV had decided to tie the knot, she was proudly displaying a trinket of engagement on her left hand, she suddenly turned a little shy as more details emerged from Pussy who on the same trip had a least ventured out of the hotel room to see some of Manhattan,One Tit appeared oblivious to any tourist trap as she had spent the entire trip scalling the heights of HMV tower. Erected by the Viagra Group PLC with copyright for any repeat performances. This sparked a spontaneous Drum roll with top hat finish by the RA Colonic. Evey mention of anything related resulting in a burst of drum roll, this sort of over shadowed anything else at the circle.


The meal was at Meson Martin down the road near Lidl and was a great Menu Del Daya for 9 euros. Andalusian soup egg and chips, flan etc plus shite wine was all we needed.

apart from more Fenadol and a sleep before the 1500 theme party at the Valparaiso...... 


Part 2

My excuse for not dressing up as noble man or nerd from the middle ages was due to the fact of concentrating on the important things, like finishing off stuff in UK before my winter here in Spain and knowing the date was all I could focus on. Only on my arrival did it become apparent that my nice blue suit and white shirt was from the wrong century, even my 75cent christmas head bangle couldn't hide the situation that like a handful of other lazy Hashers had done nothing about dressing up for this special event.

We looked more like the dregs of the now disbanded over sixties youth club that just happened to be having a reunion at the same venue. Now eligible for membership but pleased I never joined after looking at the bedraggled offerings in all their christmas party frocks.

On the other hand our fine and dandy display of middle age pageantry was outstanding in all its grandeur, flowing gowns and pouting flesh from both sexes in a exhibition of Hash magic. Some had gone to extreme lengths in manufacturing their costumes and showed them off with great pride, even the cheap skate trippers to the local China shop had some form of disguise to transport them back to a time gone by. Dippers Arab garb had no real date stamp on it, but he looked a twat and thats what we hashers strive for. Mr and Mrs Flakey had obviously delved deep into the hash stash trunk and dressed as the lord and lady of the Manor. Others looked like the plebs and peasants in comparison. But all had put on a grand show for other party goers that night, and when the party started it was the attention the stage flamenco dances gave to our group that made the night.

Lord Flakey stealing the show when asked to join the show with a dancer I would have sold my Motorbike for, just to spend a weekend in Sevilla with a women with so much energy would have put a smile on my face. Lord Flakey milked the moment in an act of hash perfection, unlike Dave dressed as a rag bag crusader who got lost in translation with his dance routine, even Aquasex tried to upstage the flamenco dancers with her own style of Eartha kit maneuvers on stage, she had to be assisted off stage before disaster struck with her impromptu interpretation in the wrong dress length and footwear. A close shave when you look at the video.

Then came the male porky dancer to choose a suspect to assist his dance routine. Shaggadelic dressed in a long white dress with a smaller skirt around her neck was an ample partner for him to choose,when on stage the lighting provided us all with a perfect X-Ray view of her industrial strength, polo neck, finger snapping nickers, of a style Nora Batty would be proud to hang on her washing line.  She danced with not a care in the world, knowing her bottom bits were snug as a bug in a rug, but totally unaware that half of Mijas now had insider knowledge of her choice of preferred nether region protection. 

The food was slow to show but the wine flowed freely and I expect most would have had plenty of everything, another great Hash Party and thanks to all who helped in the organisation. 

The prize for best fancy dress was awarded to Sweet and Low, who must get a life, as it must have taken her an age to make her medieval gown and stunning head dress.

The taxi driver called and it was soon time to leave.

On On till the next time

The Rev George Mooney Retired

Yogi  really and still suffering with Bear Flu

Run number 1497  The NoaHHH's Arc Run


As the day dawned, some rather disturbing information started to spread on Farcebook: half of Mijas Pueblo was now located in Los Boliches and half the Mediterranean had now made its way up to Mijas Pueblo. Disaster reports were flooding (pun intended) the internet and Hashes all around were getting a bit worried about their weekly dose of shenanigans, not to mention their Sunday ration of amber liquid.

Scaremongers were talking about roads being cut off, massive rocks rolling down along the road and even, god-forbid, a power cut that would render the beer taps of all the local drinking holes totally useless. Golden Cascade was leading a rescue mission for stray dogs and donkeys that had been trapped on fast-eroding islands of the Guadalmina River with a view of boarding them on Noahhh's Arc and was calling on all available Hashers to come and join her. In other words, a perfect day for Hashing!

Our two brave Hares had evaded rock-slides, lightning bolts and most importantly, alcohol checks, and somehow found their way to what was left of the former quaint village of Mijas. They then proceeded to dump tons of flour, paper and chalk all over the place, ready for yet another day of Hashing. Shame on all you fair-weather Hashers that chose to stay at home to drain your living room floor, repair caved-in roofs or blow up your dinghies in preparation for your next imminent cruise.

By the time we got there, around 3 blobs of flour, two shreds of paper and a smidgen of chalk had survived the storm and off we set to do what we normally do anyway, that is, ignoring any kind of trail and trying to outsmart each other on the location of the beer stop. This was soon found, on the edge of the village, where Mummy's boy had decided to place his Rover next to a recent landslide and right under a massive pine tree that was only just teasingly defying gravity. Rumour has it that  he is thinking of changing his old motah.

At that stage, it was decided to get rid of the more serious runners by sending King Kanute off on a mission to invade some urbanization or other, armed with a bag of flour and followed by a scattering of wet nutters, while the rest of us made our way back to the car park in search of yet more refreshment. Eventually (that means “In the end”, Mr. Fawlty!), the former group made it back to the car park where the rest of us had been having a pleasant chat, entirely undisturbed by “racists”.

 Given the circumstances, it was nothing short of a miracle that we only had two mishaps: Five-knuckle Shuffle diving into a mudbank and Mummy's Boy not falling asleep in the restaurant. Not a bad score really.

The circle was quite uneventful too, just a few down downs. Dogsy was given a down down for shaving in all the wrong places and now going off to Glasgi to be reunited with his better half while carrying a badger under his nose. And for our Virgins: Allah (?) and Paul, who also kindly lend their new shoes to Colonic and Gangbang as a drinking vessel. We had no official GM or RA, or Piss Pourer, or Haberdasher or any kind of pompous offices present, but we somehow managed to open up many cans of beer by ourselves and down them in an admirably professional fashion.

We then postponed to the restaurant, Las Terrazas, which was absolutely excellent  - no kidding – and where we were charged a pittance of € 9 for a veritable feast. Kindergarden Cop was so amazed that even he forked out a tip for our charming waiter. A very special day indeed!

On on!

Just Sink In'

Run Number 1495

20 November 2016

Hares – Gordon Ramsme Too and Pussy Galore

At  - inland La Cala

A good turnout of around 30 people arrived on this fairly cloudy day, all thoroughly expecting a great hash from this unusual pairing of a fresh young novice hare and the thoroughly experienced old slag, Pussy. (It should be said at this point , that our GM has however, assisted novice hares no less than three times within the last five weeks! A significant commitment of time and effort ...well, she has bugger all else to do!)

The Run began down hill and then continued over virgin territory, as far as I was concerned anyway. Wonderfully open campo … oh except for the bit where we came up out of a tunnel to be greeted by the landowner complaining that it was his private land. However Speed Bumps “set upon”  him and when he said  “Why don`t you all go and run in your own country”, she loudly accused him of racism ….. just as the Guardia arrived! What timing! This was quite extraordinary after last week  where we had complaints of both parking on, and crossing over, private land.

Then to the Beer stop and after, the circle, without further significant event.

As we arrived back to the cars, Colonic Irrigation arrived direct from his most recent scam operation … sorry … (did I say that) … work ... apparently. From thereon, having not done the Run, and with the fewest of snitches from the group, he then entertained us quite outrageously, laugh after laugh, a true  tour de force  for … well ... ages!

Thence to a Chinese restaurant (next to Biddy Mulligans) in La Cala … excellent service and good food … and ... pacharan!

Translated directly from the French (yeh right)

Your Scribe

French Erection

Run Number 1494

13 November 2016

Hares – Master Bates and Aqua Sex

At St  Anthony`s College

No less than 40 people turned out for this hash on a gorgeous, semi-sunny, semi-cloudy day - a great day for hashing in fact!

The pre-Circle began with a complaint from the apparent owner of the school/car parking area, that we had not asked for his permission to use the car park! Quite extraordinary ... as we have hashed in that location on and off for at least 14 years to my knowledge, and it has never been a problem! In future (he said) we must contact the school to ask his (jobsworth) permission. (This is entirely a note for the committee members and  does not reflect on the Hares in any way.) 

The circle began with visitors from Sri Lanka and Norway being brought into the circle (the latter being the honorary Germans for the day.)

Then the Run began. For those, like myself who wished to take it easy  … this was not the day to do it! Severe uphill, followed by steep downhill, followed by uphill and so on. But it was a hash so no complaints there.

Quite extraordinarily, on one of the uphill sections a local complained that we were crossing his land.  I responded by saying that since there were no fences and that it was a simply part of Mijas campo, how could we possibly know! (Future hares take note.) How coincidental!!!

Thereafter … it seemed that in no time at all (principally because it WAS no time at all) we reached the Beer Stop. Everything, both literally and figuratively, went downhill thereafter … and we reached the cars shortly after our departure from the BS. 

Then to the circle … taken by our very own, if somewhat infrequent visitor,  Dipper. Numerous people (quite too numerous to mention) were justifiably penalised and the anniversarious were -    Happy Days – 5 Runs     One Tit - 100    Megasaurarse - 60    Community Chest - 70    French Erection - 75    and Swiss Roll – 475

On On at the local Indian … food good, the service … appallingly slow,  but overall, as always, a great day out!

Your Scribe


Run No: 1487: Hares: Gangbang & Aeroflaps


On the way to the run we were saying "not going to be much of a turn out" after the night before when the Mijas H3 had its annual End of summer ball. (Apparently a great success and some great photos on Facebook).

When we arrived there were 37! other hashers making up a total of 39, brilliant turnout which posed problems for the hares who were trying to dissuade a few not to come as the restaurant couldnґt cope with so many.

I think everyone knew a ballbuster was not on the cards and so it turned out. Just 4.8 KMs. most of it on tarmac. This sort of run is normally awarded low marks but there were a few  9.9ґs from some nursing hangovers.

The circle was ably led by first Sir Flakey with a joke about amnesia which I canґt remember and then Colonic who embarrassed a few harriets with a camel toe lineup.

I missed the on-on but Iґm sure it was superb.

On-on Dogsy

Run no (Canґt remember)

> We all gathered near the castle in Fuengirola for what was to be and

> only inspiring. We set off quite rapidly running around the Castle

> straight down into the smelly river. After negotiating the gypsy camp

> a few times we ended up going uphill to a choice of a Macho or whimps

> trail runs which I did very nice thank you very much. All the rest I

> can't remember as I had too much to drink!

> ON ON bollocking

> CLONK! Xxxxx



Run Report for Run No: 1485:

Hi all and welcome to the 145th running of run number 1485 - basically the been there done that (a lot) safety run, when the hares remember they are haring the day of the hash. It was a typical day in the lovely area of Benalmбdena and the hashers were in great spirits, which were about to be broken by a back breaking hill climb designed by the special forces and only reserved for those that enjoy torturing themselves. It truly was a day of climbing, rock climbing, stair climbing, and hill climbing. We instantly knew this would be one of the rarer runs when Sir Flakey ended up being the FRB, who was walking, with a dog, and I am pretty sure a slight pimp limp. As with all hashes we learned things. We learned the hares are lazy, a bunch of people have no lives, it is hot as f*ck in the shade in Spain, Sir Flakey's car is the best place to foul the trail, Golden Cascade is bad for your sex life, and that cold beer, crappy snacks, and great people make it all worth it.


Alex, Alex Who the Fuck is Alex

Run Report (Sometime in Summer 2016)

Hares: The German & The Gordie

Location: Just off the Old Coin road  ---Ata Laya?.

I have been harassed continually in the circle for not doing the Run report so here it is you ruthless bastards, my mental health issues were be highlighted in the circle and nasty comments made, but I have forgotten what was mentioned ! Is all this harassment because of my religious beliefs or the colour of my skin??? The hash is certainly becoming very offensive and long may it reign.

Anyway due to my mental health issues I can’t remember much about the run, I know there was a German a Gordie Judy setting it, and there was a something about the Romans! What did the Romans ever do for us? Apart from Libraries, education system, viaducts, sewage systems, Ohhh and the Baths, that what it was there was, the run utilised an ancient old bathing area that the Romans had made, I do remember emptying my bladder in the waste height water approaching the baths, Cradle snatcher & Aphrodisiac who were behind me were oblivious to this and just thought the increase in the water temperature was very pleasurable!!!

And what have the Germans ever done for us? Bombed our Chippy! And those Gordie  wankers, bastardized the English language I can’t understand the word she says!

Well that’s about it for the run, I enjoyed it, some short cutting bastards missed the water section which was the only memorable bit, and I think they got a good score of a number under 10? The On On was at the Local vent were Michelin star road kill was served up with chips, Well done you per of wankers. I hope I have not offended anybody or the hares? But as you know Germans have no sense of Humour Ha Ha Ha -------------

On On




The Saint Anthony Fecundity Run

Hares: MegaSoreArse & Sir Sir Sir Flakey

As you all know, Saint Anthony of Padua was born in 1195 in Lisbon, Portugal. He became a priest, then a friar of the Franciscan order. Happily for us, his early (some might say, fanatical) quest for martyrdom at the hands of the Saracens was thwarted by illness, and in later years he became a devout and renowned preacher in northern Italy and southern France.

One of his lesser known attributes as a Saint lies in - ahem - putting lead in the pencil of otherwise effete, and definitely not upstanding, members of the general public.

Which, of course, brings us to the matter of last week's run.  And what an appropriate starting point was chosen by the hares! Saint Anthony's school, no less (SCRIBE'S EDITORIAL  NOTE: Sorry to labour the point, here, guys, but there are some definite thickos amongst you and I did not want the infinitely subtle irony to be lost on them. No, not YOU, naturally, dear reader, the other ones).

Anyway, back to the run. Your Scribe arrived late thanks to the unstinting efforts of Gobbychov never ever to be ready on time, which is how come I'm lumbered with this effing sheet, only to be confronted by a scene from a celibate Dante's inferno – one Harriette suckling her young in full view, another babe being dandled by drooling grandmothers actual and manquйes, and yet another - OK, slightly less "in your face" (in my face, anyway, I can't speak for Jizzical's) as it subsequently turned out - practising embryonic cell multiplication in utero.

What's more, as my finely honed senses became even more attuned to the steaming hum of fecundity, could it be? yes, definitely, I'm catching the desperate lashing of spermtails swimming upstream from the direction of the newlyweds, who cannot be named in case they have acute angina (and I'm sure she does, boom, boom) or embarrassment. And who knows what might happen fecundity wise with St Ant looking over their shoulder, as it were? (Although it occurs to your Scribe that Cowboy Style might present a practical difficulty of shoulder choice for him here.)

But I digress. The run. Well, mercifully short given the heat. Two drink stops, possibly in an attempt to inculcate that happy state of mind in hashers which awards bonus points for being pissed (7, as it transpired). A well trodden zone, but most pleasantly interpreted, with the added benefit of immediate proximity to the spirit of St Anthony, with clear consequences, and the Curry House, with somewhat more cloudy consequences.

Numerous sad persons were called to the Circle to be immunised for Multiple Run Syndrome, your Scribe in his guise of momentary RA cleansed and blessed the wandering wombs and sperm donors alike, and we all shot over the road for a fine Ruby Murray.

Mention should be made in this context of the magnitudinous efforts of MegaSoreArse who, under the baleful glare of Elephant Arse, critique extraordinaire, diligently served everyone much more efficiently than the waiters themselves. I hope they returned the tip to its rightful owner..

 Your Scribe, Dipper

Run report 1481 – 14 August 2016 - Hares: Dogsy & Upyerbum - Marks 8.8

Being as wot this is my first run report I will faithfully and truthfully provide all details of the scamperings around Andalucian hillsides on the date in question, to the best of my knowledge and recollection – which is not likely to be very accurate since I have been pissed several times since. 

We assembled on the outskirts of Mijas pueblo for what turned out to be a relatively short run, but one not without its challenges, since it involved going up several hills with inclines of more than 85 degrees (so my legs informed me). Being not exactly a Hash virgin but one only recently deflowered (albeit on several occasions, from which I am still sore, but thank you for your concern), I was prepared for the forming of the circle. Nevertheless, the strange pas de deux between Sir Flakey and Golden Cascade, involving arms conjoined, eyes locked as if in mortal combat, and beer consumed at high speed, still took us all by surprise.

Once the run was underway it was felt by some that the connection between the flour hieroglyphs occasionally found on the ground and the route we were meant to follow was occasionally more tenuous than the hares intended (or perhaps not…). But somehow we all made it to the beer stop in good order. The second half of the run was easier to follow, and the charge to the line was led by somebody later described to me as a suicide bummer. I have no idea how he earned this name.

The circle was formed in the car park. Various misdemeanours were punished by the act of forced beer drinking. Sir Flakey made frequent appearances in the circle and may be presumed to have misbehaved regularly and at length. Pussy Galore (GM for the day) should have been punished more frequently than she was, for the offence of driving a mobile helicopter landing-pad to the Hash; it was generally agreed that this was simply a ruse to gets lots of young, fit soldiers to land on her. Quicksand should also have been sent to the circle for leaning on this vehicle during the circle, but this went unpunished by the GM (note: committee should perhaps consider review of video evidence for future hash events). The run overall was given a rating of 8.8 by the assembled hashers.

A list was passed to me which I faithfully repeat here:

Laura                                     5

Jan                                         10

Clog Dancer                        45

Cnut                                      110

Seaman Stains                   130

Shagadelic                           190

WWWW (wtf?!)                 255

Elephant Arse                    230

Mummies Boy                   540

Dipper                                  645

Gorbichov                           320

Izzy in Yet                            *200*

I’m not entirely sure what these figures indicate, but I think it is probably the number of days since each of them last had sex.

Congratulations all round!


Run Report 1480     7th August 2016

We turned up behind the Mijas Hotel at 6pm and I, who lived nearest, duly arriveed last so am doing this write up.

In fact history repeats itself as I also reviewed run 1429 in August 2015 from the same start for the same reason

1429 was something of an epic and 1480 was very different, more a casual stroll round Mijas Pueblo but that is one of the joys of hashing. Sometimes its tough and sometimes it's not – as long as we can find stuff to moan about we are usually happy.

Key points...

  • Quite small chalk marks that looked like 7s but no one got lost or expired as a result.

  • plenty of beer and a shady beer stop

  • Police accompanied our circle as Mijas has a parking issue this time of year 

  • A pretty good meal afterwards (if you avoided the spaghetti)

Sir Flaky celebrated his 535th hash with Mijas on this run so it is perhaps unsurprising that his memory is not at its best.

In fact he was driven to consult me on memory loss issues and here is...

Dr. T-Total’s medical corner...

Many patients come to me complaining they can no longer remember trivial issues such as the date of the battle of Hastings, where they parked their car, or why they are now living with the complete A-hole they wake up to each morning.

I tell them beer is usually the best answer but if they really want to find the car there are two easily available supplements that help a lot – I take these and have not lost my car recently...

No doubt I will be back next August with advise on what to do if you find you have suddenly shrunk.

Scribe: TT my arse

Run Report 1479     31st July 2016

Hares          Streaky and  Stiff fanny        Hawaiian Theme

Anniversarios :-

Finish me off            5

Mega sore arse      45

Aeroflaps                140

Jizzical Ferk            225

Just say when        225

Salmanela rushti   255

The circle was formed and the GM welcomed everyone and invited visitors and virgins into the circle hashers introduced themselves to them in the normal way.

All hashers were encouraged to wear Hawaiian dress for the run and a majority did partake.

Hares were invited in to explain the run which was in Mijas Pueblo and set on flour and chalk.

The run started from Stiff fannys villa in Mijas Pueblo and consisted of a trail on pavements and off road trails through waste land which was well marked with testing checks, check backs and split trails leading to the first pool beer stop where we were welcomed with a very nice Sex on the beach strawberry and melon plus the obligatory cocktail and those that wanted to had a dip in the pool.

The second part of the run was similar to the first and lead us all back to the original starting point, where this time we had a selection of cocktails on offer Blue Hawaii, Pinis Colada and a nice slice of chilled melon together with the normal buffet of crisps, again there was the opportunity to take advantage of the swimming pool to cool off.

The final part of the run went through a small valley and ended up at Steakys villa where again an assortment of cocktails were on offer together with the normal beer and soft drinks.

The circle was formed around the swimming pool the GM entered the pool and invited back into the circle the visitors and virgins to ask what they thought about the run and introduced them to the “down down”.

The GM went on to invite the Hares on in and asked everyone what they thought about the run and to mark it.   The comments were very favourable and this resulted in a very respectable score of  8.9 for the run.

The down downs were then given for various offences during the run and the beer was served on a lilo by the smiling piss pourer incidentally that was all he was wearing.

The GM then went onto remind everyone about forth coming Hash events that can be seen on the web site.

The circle then closed.

The” on on” was at streakys villa and consisted of an assortment of Sushi to start with and for main BBQ  sausage chicken and steak complimented with mixed salad and potato followed by Eton mess or Danish lemon drizzle for dessert it was all very enjoyable and the hard work put in was very much enjoyed and appreciated by all who attended.  An excellent “ON ON”.

Mega Sore Arse  

Run No: 1477  17th July - Jizzical

or Izzy & Jizzical's Wedding Run

Doing a Spring clean of my drawers!! I came across a screwed up peace of paper with 1478 written on it and all these odd names scribbled on it too.......Surely I have stumbled upon a secret code ....... I thought to myself ...... and then after much deciphering trying to break  this code..... Voila!!! it came to me ... I had only gone and volunteered to be the scribe for JSG & KC run.....
I Could not be any happier to have deciphered this secret code as I was awake most nights trying to make sense of it all...!!!
Here is what I recall of the Run....Anyway
A Big Bunch of hashers met on top of this flattened hill in Atalaya..on a very hot day and being a very big hill we obviously have to go down and up, and down and up ,and down and up,.......(sorry ... have I said this before ?) and this is what we did in search of the cool nectar and the river where we would cool off.
I always recall Beer stops as this is where I stock up on Crips and lovely Blond beer...
The beer stop was a beautiful spot full of Local Spanish relaxing till we all arrived that is!!
"Princess Lucky" as WWWW calls her was encouraged to jump into the water by a few hashers and she finally succumbed by jumping in... not only once but she managed to jump in a couple of times... I have a video clip from our wonderful Hash flash to remind me of the event. :)
I can not recall the run score but I am sure it was some silly number !!
The On On arranged by the hares could not accommodate the 30+ hashers so about 14  of us went off and had a sumptuous meal at the old favourite El Brujo...and after seeing photo's of what was on AF dinner plate I was relieved to have chosen to eat at El B
Thank you hares for a great day.



Pepper Grinder                         5
Kamhot Kam ??                       10
Quick Sand                              20
C Chest                                    55
T Total                                      55
Rusty Twat                               55
Just Inn                                   185
Shagadelic                              190
Lee Marvin                              210
Pussy Galore                          215
Aphrodisiac                             225
Streaky                                   .395
Golden Cascade                     360


On On.
Your scribe

Hares: Salmonella Rushdie & Just Say When

Anniversarios: Dogs Bollox 710 & Swiss Roll 460

Run Score: 9.0

From the very start it was obviously not going to be any "normal" run. Jizzical was dressed as some sort of Thai Boy Bride, Izzy was giving a good impersonation of Stan Laurel, we had four polka dotted, widow twanky, bridesmaids and a red headed Harriet thinking she was the GM.

Having just returned from Rota with two other bridesmaids, no doubt lacking sleep and somewhat exhausted, the red headed Harriet got the show on the road. The Hares informed us their was to be a pre lube beer stop followed by a Champagne Wedding. Markings were the usual but the Hares had obviously not totally been in agreement as we had Macho, Wimps, Runners and Special Wimps Trails!

The  Wedding Party set off inland up the dried river bed. Coming to a split in the river the main group carried on but the back markers, yours truly and HMV saw signs of a trail off to the left. Fighting the jungle, up and up the tributary they went for an inordinately distance before finding a CB, going back was not an option and anyway it was obviously an Omen for a short cut! Having continued on and by now looking like two aging and highly camouflaged jungle fighters, the trail was soon picked up and on to the beerstop arriving fifteen minutes or more before the beer wagon. Having waited they then took off to the wedding, giving themselves time to shower under the water sprinklers in the Park en route and generally clean up.

Meanwhile the main Party, satiated with beer, followed on taking yet another river bank to the wedding venue - a veritable oasis of Palms and green lawns amidst the outer reaches of La Cala.

The Very Reverend Salmonella Rushdie, took the Service - "we are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to join this harrier and this harriet in holy mattress monkey". After promising to "KUM together and celebrate the end of their wanking ways and to cheer in the joys of sex outside of masturbation", "to wash his royal highness with thigh saliva and to never kiss another man" and "to hash and to fuck until he can't get it up any more" and their being no objections, they were mispronounced, Harrier and Harriette and the bride and groom were duly showered in Champagne.

The third half was a live Hare run, chasing down Reverend Salmonella, through the long and low and very dark tunnel to the beach, along the front and back to the Feria Ground.

The Circle was convened by our new GM, Returners chastised, Anniversarios, with nearly 1200 runs between the two of them, regaled. The opportunity to warn HMV of the perils of falling asleep in the Sun and looking redder than a Turkey was missed and of course the Bride and Groom had to be given lessons on how to satisfy each other. Cream, chocolate flakes and sausages (whole for him and split for her) became the props and the newly marrieds were able to practice what married couples know as a sixty nine. 

The Wedding Supper was an excellant Carvery at the very popular Newmarket Restaurant, unlimited amounts of meat (four types) and lots of English veggies and a half bottle of decent wine. I didn't see the Bride and Groom slink off  but no doubt they made an early exit to get in more practice fueled by the supper.

ON ON Your Scribe, Mummy's Boy

Run 1474 Sunday 26 June Hares: Just Say Gwen and Kannot Kan

Still reeling from the Brexit, we were perhaps not entirely prepared for a Hash re-enactment of the way the referendum had been conducted.

On the one hand, there was a truckload of figures and information on how to get there, how to continue on from there and the dire consequences of not going there. There was a complete sheet of A4 with directions, weather forecast, wind-directions, stock market information, further route to the On On and the full menu of delicacies awaiting us there.

On the other hand, present at the car park, were two Hares, looking sideways at each other with a rather miffed glance – one a smiling and seemingly affable blonde with windswept hair, looking more than a bit confused, the other one a tall and slightly dodgy looking second-hand car salesman with a couple of pints down his throat. The latter told us that we didn't need any information really and that the only way was forward!

Needless to say, the latter's instructions were followed blindly and we all ended up lost in the woods, surrounded by trees as far as the eye could see (although perhaps not enough to supply the pulp for the stack of 10,000 pound notes soon to be issued..) and without a clue as to our destination. Sounds familiar?

We did make it to the first check-point, but then trouble started. As I said, this was all about information or the lack thereof, so the second-hand car salesman had decided to follow the advice of his alter-ego and instead of putting some flour on the ground, he had sent it to Switzerland, opened a secret bank account and let the rest of us have none of it. Swiss flour is not going to lose 20% of its value overnight, so a good move overall.

Unfortunately, the mugs (or at least 52% of us) didn't know where to go and each one went into a different direction. I don't know exactly what happened after that. Reports say some of the mislead crowd were seen bashing the hey out of some dark coloured squirrels, others were heard repenting their choice (“ I thought it would be fun to go to this kind of Hash, but had I known about the consequences, I would have stayed at home, really, like..”), but to cut a long story short, it was a total mess.

The Hare was seen later at the restaurant, saying something like “Last time I was here, you were laughing, look at you now!” before collapsing and leaving us to let Free Trade rule, i.e. we ended up with 350 times more food than we had bargained for, but truth be told we all got stuffed and went home laughing at ourselves for er.. getting stuffed.

Needless to say, this Hash was awarded SHIT, which will come as a relief to the GOP, whose representative, Elephant Arse (talking about being a symbol) was last seen to hold said coveted trophy. It's only a matter of time before Donald will lay claim to this circular token of appreciation, though. I have seen it all now and Donald will win hands down – anyone for Mars?

The Circle:


Mega SoreArse 40 R*ns

King Kanute 105

Salmonella Rushdie 250 (badge needed!)

Mummy's Boy 535, a very sad bastard indeed!

His Worship Colonic Irrigation then took over the circle and commenced to bash every European present. As I was one of them, I kind of lost track of the proceedings, but it was hilarious, I'm sure.

All I remember is Kannot Kan showing us a new way to drink from the sleeve – no, I'm not telling you how.

Quicksand being pulled out several times for wearing a rather titillating army dress, cor.. blimey!

And many other things... I then went home to see England being thrown out of Europe in the place where it really hurts, i.e. The European Cup.

It looks like things are improving all around. Rajoy was elected and immediately 24 young Spaniards came home, Brexit was approved and 24 English guys came back as well. It even looks like the Poles are still out there in great numbers, so somebody please shut the door upon returning from Paris. You don't want them to come back into Britain holding a Cup, do you?

On on

Completely Out

Post Data: having attended the Hash meeting, I have just seen a bombshell being dropped: our beloved GM, Jyssical Pherk has resigned! We don't know if he is doing a Cameron (Boy, did I fuck up big time..) or a Corbyn (I simply feel I don't have the necessary support anymore..), as he didn't go into details. I personally think it's a shame and I thought he was the perfect GM for a bunch of people that often resembles British Parliament (hear hear!), but there you go.. anybody wanting to step into his sporty shoes should come forward within the next few weeks. If not, Angela Pussy will take over - you have been warned! ;)

Run number 1471/72 Summer Campout

Run No. 1471 or the Run of 10,000 Loose Rocks

Hares: Stiffany & Sir Flakey

Anniversarios: Sir Flakey 530, Sperm Aid 250, Craddle Snatcher & Put It IN 155, Aeroflaps 135, Lilo Lil 130, Izzy In Yet 105

Run Score: 8.3

'47 an auspicious number, the year the British Empire lost India to its Independence and the no. of runners (ok, incl. the young, the old and the infirm) turning up in this remote part of Malaga Province that could almost be Northern India were it not for the fact that the village of Casares loomed large above us. We had already lost our way to the run site, well the first ten cars anyway. The over descriptive Classic Car Club Roadbook ended with "turn off right and look for the HHH signs", unfortunately there wasn't any and so the convoy followed the road down the valley until it became obvious we were not "ON" and so returned to find the start just beyond where we had turned right. How much more could we lose in the hours and days to come?

After the usual preliminaries we headed off over a rough and rocky terrain, only to come back, some 20 mins later, two or three hundred meters down the very same track that our cars were parked. Down and down the track we went following a trail obviously set from a fast moving 4x4. Finally we reached Nirvana, an oasis of tranquility that was the Rio de Manilva. Up one side, down through the river bed,up the other side through this valley rich in flora and fauna. On and On we went until finally we emerged at the Roman Baths, warm and rich in sulphur, the very same baths that Julius Caesar was said to have bathed  and hence the naming of Casares. Too much for some who stripped bare obviously unaware that a terripin the size of a dinner plate lay in waiting, the others donned their swimwear and frolicked in the running waters and some even went as far as impersonating aborigines covering themselves in mud.

A long beerstop ensued for we had lost Elephant Ass. Search parties were sent out to no avail. He had been seen entering the Rio half an hour earlier but the back marker, yours truly, had seen no sign of him. Fortunately modern communications finally enabled the group to make contact and direct him to a warm embrace.

Even though we were promised an easy second half - 3 or 4 kms as opposed to the 6 or 7 already taken, it had not gone unnoticed that we had dropped down 250 meters or so from the start and we all know that many a Hare speaks with forked tongue. Their was a mad rush for the available spaces in the 3 or 4 cars that had come to the beerstop.

The unfortunates crawled and climbed their way up a steep and dried up arroyo to the end of the run where a shuttle service was being organised to take people back to the run start. For some the run obviously had not been enough, the two front runners, Jizzical and Just Say When, decided to go the extra 100 meters........ vertically that is and run, walk, climb to the top of the highest peak overlooking us to get a view from the Atlas Mountains to the South and Almeria to the North. Another seemingly inexhaustable couple who obviously also had weetabix for breakfast, Rubherturd and the Swede decided to make a run for it and ran all the way back to the start.

Everybody gathered in, the Circle commenced, returners were welcomed back, anniversarios regaled and the sinners chastised. Much merriment mainly due to the need for "refreshment" after this gruelling run in the full Summer Sun -  something about mad dogs and Englishmen!! The Hares were awarded a much worthy 8.3. For those never setting away runs, you will never understand the time and effort put in for your benefit.

The ON ON was later that evening, dressed in our new Hawaiin outfits dinner was enjoyed by all and as that old Crooner Frank Sinatra faded out the real music got going and the partying began and the Hash danced the night away.

ON ON  Your scribe, Mummy's Boy

Run 1472 - Sunday's Report from the Campout

The frolicking started the night before at the camp restaurant, with a stupendous Sunday roast on Saturday Night. Our lot devoured everything in sight, after an exhausting but excellent first summer campout trail, laid by Flakemeister and his Mrs, Stiffany.

If Saturday night was a blur, it all came back to haunt us in the second circle of the weekend. I’m getting ahead. HEAD! Who said head HEAD!!!?

Aeroflaps and Just In went missing shortly after the circle was called, under some pretext of the Walmart Sale starting.
Women and wimps were asked to mark the trail. Kaka said it was the best Hair of the Dog she’d had had the pleasure of, it was the right length and hard enough for a Sunday morning after a night on the booze, 9.9 something. Community Chest concurred.
Salmonela Rushdie, who is now suffering with ISIS scorch marks from mismanaging his run, every trail, and gave the run a solid 8 something.

The whole run gained a 9.2 much to the chagrin Sir Flakey “we’ve been up and down these mountains six fucking times and you get a better score” aimed at Mummy’s Boy (who was asleep). TRUE, they’d ripped themselves to shreds, reccied hazardous gorges and slain fire dragons in caves. While Mummy’s Boy and Just Say When, turned up poured some flour around the town and gave the runners and wimps what they wanted.
RA called “a note please for the pair of bastards that have out fuckin’ done us”. The circle all laughed, and duly sang SHITTY TRAIL.

Jizzical Ferk then handed out down downs to returners and anniversaries. Elvis 15 runs, KAKA 100 runs and a tight fitting t-shirt, then the RA calling in Community Chest (50 runs) and the winner of Best Dressed Tent.

Another pair of bastards were called in Jizzy and Izzy (not drinking, gone off her favourite cereal – watch this space) for having a posh breakfast and not the petrol spread we had on our cheapo toast.

Happy Ending (doing her best to hide under a blanket) had to shake her lettuce in the circle.

Radio KaKa and The Wedding Invitation Dilema. “ Flakey, I’ve got a really serious question for you? “
“Really Hannah what is it?”
Aunty Flakey solved the problem for her “ you’re gonna tell her to fuck off, and say, we’re not gonna be friends anymore” . Roar of laughter.
This whole saga is well worth watching on the internet (see Aeroflaps post!).

The Russians got pulled in the circle for drawing against England in the 91st minute. More bastards.

Seaman Stains had a note for still wearing his gold lame shoes from GAY pride in Torremolinos. More laughter.

The ArchDickon then took over, Colonic had trouble understanding the scouse late comers. Eggshell translated something about a scouse sex machine.
“Eggshell, when it’s my turn, I do the jokes!!!” Clonk blasted, and then called in Ghandi aka Uncle Fester. The Archdickon adding “ did you know Ghandi, was also a friend of Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter?”
Much laughter.
Which led to Rolf Harris lookalike, Jizzical bringing Elivis in on his lap with Elvis telling everyone “oh no not again!”
With that, Eggshell led a rendition of “ did you think I would leave you lying there when there’s room in my bunk for two..... down down down down.”

Clonk required a stand in for Aeroflaps and Just In. Sweet n Low with Gangbang, demonstrated the sexual position the missing pair were most likely to be in right now. Archdikon overseeing the whole thing very closely. I couldn’t see for laughing when Flakey provided the beer and foam went everywhere.
Hysterical laughter.
Clonk then called out, “now the next down down is not a rude one. “ Pause. “It’s a really rude one, cos somebody gets it up the anal passage! “ After you’ve had a tantalising bit of sex with a woman, you need a fucking real man, preferably a Muslim”
On In Salman Rushdie. More hysterical laughter.
Lilo offered her KY Jelly and Clonk announced “somebody’s put sand in the vaseline, it’s gonna be a rough ride” and handed Rushdie a very large beer.
After more jokes, unrepeatable outside of Colonic’s circle, he handed over to the RA, Flakey.

“Halal food, BBQ is gonna be on in a minute, Aquasex on in! She’s got Rushdies’ fucking nob for the BBQ. “ Flakey said she could have had the one he’d left in the toilet this morning. She’d spent 1 euro 20 in the camp shop on a black nobby looking sausage.

Mummy’s Boy woke up.

Flakey then called in more wankers to fry in the sun. “We’ve had to struggle you bunch of wankers. Us campers missed out on you wankers who camped out in a hotel. “ On in Spermaid, RubherTurd, Eggshell, Lilo, Gangbank, Colonic Irragation, Elephant Arse and Ann. Were there more wankers? I can’t remember by this stage.

With that we thanked all the organisers for a brilliant brilliant weekend. We then ate and drank more from the Barbie, you name it, somebody cooked it.

I had a siesta, the volley ball match was won by Elvis and the girls and I took the rest of the Daiquari home to drink.

Never have I laughed so much with some many at so little. ON ON Carry on Camping!


Run number 1470 The Birthday Run

Hares: Sperm Aid and Just Say When              

DATE: Sunday 5th June

  On a stupidly hot day at 4 p.m  ,hottest part of the day, 35 Mijas hashers turned up fearing the worse from the hares.

Not a bad turn out, probably influenced by the susidised On-on and the promised cava stop.

The run was explained by Just Say when who spent half an hour arguing with Justin about the function of  a Madrid sign called “feesh oooks” . Turned out we were all going to ignore it anyway.

The run started uphill then more and more uphill until the view over Morocco was perfect. Luckily the hares had advised the  “W&Wґs”  to ignore the “CBґs” and just walk through to the beer stop. Just as well otherwise Gangplank would have been down at the Urgencias!

The second half was a prickly run thru the dry campo until the Cava stop oasis appeared together with freshly squeezed orange Juice from JSWґs orchard. Heaven.

Third half was an upward stroll back to the cars.

The highlight at the circle was the birthday celebrations for the 2 hares.

Probably best to see the photos but it involved a lot of enthusiastic  “minge-munching”.

Not to mention Salmonella covering the girls with his frothy cream.

BBQ on-on was superb. Lots of meat and jacket potatoes followed by hash songs. Havenґt done that for a while. Bring back Tradition. Thanks to Dipper, Flakey, Colonic etc. for their efforts.

Anniversarios: Navigator 30 Craddlesnacher 155 Justin 180 Elephant Arse 225 Rubber Turd 270 Streaky 390.

On-on Dogsy

Run number 1468

Run Sunday 29 May  Hipodromo area

Hares: Izzyinyet and Jizzical Ferk

Finally a run to please even the most grumpy of Hashers! A good trail, plenty of falsies and splits, a jolly beerstop and loads of tasty and tender crisps, something for everyone really. Well, if you exclude the bunch of virginal Swedes that couldn't find the beerstop and Gobbiechov, who couldn't see the check-points or find the crisps as she was doing what she does best, i.e. “gobbying”..

Nothing like those crappy runs set in previous weeks, where certain hares had had the temerity to set runs over 6 k, didn't buy cancerogenous chips, and didn't even manage to keep the gales down during the on on. This run had style, elegance and sophistication, all in equal measure and not inversely proportional to each other, as had happened the week before (-) .

Although we were in a well-trodden area, the Hares had managed to find new and unexpected twists and turns, keeping the pack together most of the way and giving the geriatric.. , sorry senior citizen- mob every chance in the book to short-cut or generally shirk any real challenge. Hats off to them.

It was a festive atmosphere all around, with birthdays being celebrated in an innovative fashion:

cream  was applied to the most delicate parts of Clog Dancer and Izzyinyet, then topped with chocolate syrup, smarties, strawberries and a line of coke. There was a mad rush as volunteers scrambled to help clean up said mess. Gardener just managed to get her lips round Clog Dancer, just before Colonic did, who then had to conform himself with Izzyinyet. Dipper also managed to get to the fore, surprise, surprise, and together they left the covered areas cleaner then a dog's mouth.

The festivities carried on joyfully with the list of anniversaries:

Laura No Name (Hot Spice, Old Spice and Sgt. Pepper are some of the names floating around): 5 r*ns, Clog Dancer: 45 r*ns, Salmonella Rushdie: 255 r*ns, GobbieChov: 320 missed check-points, Gang Plank: 395 insults, Mummy's Boy: 530 short-cuts and Dipper: 645 leers.

Then, the R.A. took the circle in what we thought would be his usual inimitable fashion, but instead of his acerbic wit and habitual foul-mouthing, we were surprised by a most decorous and politically correct gentleman, who did his best not to upset anyone. He gathered all moaners and groaners, guilty of spoiling last week's run and had them apologize to yours truly for their despicable behaviour last week.

It sure was a lovely sight to see all of them humbly kneeled before me, intestines in a twist and trembling in anticipation of the neck-shot, but I magnanimously forgave all of them as I had left my Kalaznikov in the boot of my car, not expecting this opportunity.

Finally everyone departed to the Captain's Bar, the true haven for the “I know what I like and I like what I know” crowd, where I trust no untoward incidents took place, or if they did, the owners had the good grace to deck anyone who might have delivered a string of insults.

Can't wait for the next run.

Totally Out


Run number 1466 Hare: Jizzical Ferk Sunday 8th May

After not hashing since before Christmas I was looking forward to a pleasant experience in the Spanish Sun but decided to do the hash instead. All geared up and ready to go it started to piss down. However determined as I was I followed the excellent directions to the run site. The hash was described as “Nice, medium length, gently undulating run with short-cutting opportunities for the elderly and infirm” but as this was a Jizzical description then I expected the medium to mean Large.

The hash was convened in a circle at the top of a cul-de-sac that was constructed with the intention of building houses around. As is common in the area this was not meant to be. However by the number of discarded condoms around it served well as a public utility and a good spot to start a hash!

Despite the bad weather there was a good turn out of around 25/30 and after the usual frivolity we were keen to get started. Leaving tarmac behind in no time at all and with some well marked but very wet blobs of flour on-on was quickly called.

Undulating was a good description and the markings were unexpectedly clear given the weather. The trail was good and varied (thankfully no rivers) with checks and false trails. These worked well keeping the pack together.

Arriving at the beer stop apart form beer there was an abundance of a bag of crisps and twig-lets.

There was now a choice for infirm, walkers and runners. After not hashing for a while and being a bit soaked I decided to do the walkers trail. However after being goaded by Sir Flakey and karma chameleon  I took off after the runners, big mistake. After a bit of a long but very enjoyable slog I was one of the last back to the cars.

Everyone had returned in one piece and the circle was quickly convened. Sir Flakey and A.K.A Pussy Barron Red Galore presided and did an excellent cake on the head birthday job for ?????.

As the weather was bad down downs, camp out announcements badge awards etc. had to be kept to a minimum. Spermaid announced that as temporary dietary restrictions had been imposed due to a forthcoming medical investigative procedure,she would be unable to attend the Indian On-On, enough said!

After setting an excellent run twice because of the rain Jizzical was awarded a well deserved 8.9. Frivolities over about 50% of soaking hashers went off to the Indian that turned out to be excellent. Good run, good company, lots of fun! On-On Eggshell Blonde.


Mijas H3 Run 1462.

Hares: Aphrodisiac & JSW.

Location: Just outside Mijas Pueblo.

With ominous dark clouds covering the Mijas mountain range and droplets of rain on the widow screen of my car I made the steady climb up to Mijas and run site location, leaving the sun-drenched coast behind me. Luckily we were not starting at the little church where Henry normally starts his run, this I put down to JSW helping Aphrodisiac with the run!

The start location was down a rather rocky road, but a good turnout was looking on the cards, with “Ginger-minge” and “Salmonella Rushdie” , “Gang Bang” and “Elvis” returning to swell the pack to close to 30 hashers.

The circle was called and JSW advised the pack on the run marking with Aphrodisiac butting in to confuse the issue, it was all becoming very obvious that the after mentioned was a token Hare! and JSW was the brains behind todays trail.

On completion of the customary four toe, we were off, as usual Elephant arse took to the front of the pack like a geriatric gazelle, Mummies boy was a close second homing in on where he thought the beer stop will be and making his own trail! We were traversing in southerly direction on the old horse trails routes, very pleasurable trail indeed! The marking was a little bit shaky at the beginning as the hares tried to be clever with trail marking too close, the normal hasher is not smart enough so this lead to total confusion, but with Physical Jerk and Veryfuckus checking like mad men the true trail was found, it was turning into a pleasurable run as the dark clouds had vanished and the sun was out, the checks keep the pack together,  and the pack shuffled to the ever closer beer stop, I had to put up with Uncle fester explaining how in the old days men use to shave the arm pit hair off so not to smell, all riveting stuff and made the trail seem even shorter, being a macho type of person I did the big loop before the beer stop, so most hashers were on to the second bag of crisps when I arrived at the beer stop, first half out of the way and so far so good, we were advised the second half also had a split trail for the macho`s and the wimps, this is where it all went horribly for me, I was unfortunately trotting along with the ex-Nazi Rub Her Turd, when I came to a “CB” and headed back along the trail I thought the Nazi would have called On On to allow us back runners an idea of where the trail went, my cries of “Are you” fell on deaf ears, I followed what I though was the trail, but after a while and no flour I thought maybe not! I stumbled on getting deeper and deeper into thick bramble, I could see the cars and rest of the pack way down the hill, unfortunately there was two big gorges to cross, I came across a disused mine and thought this could end up my accommodation for the night, all those Bear Grills TV programmes would keep me in good stead, when in the distance I could hear JSW diminutive Gordie tones calling “Are you” I was saved, God bless the little Gordie wanker, I made my way back down the hill and with her guidance made my way back on trail and home, only to be greeted by a hostile pack all wanting to get the circle started, my traumatic experience not given a hoot!!! Bastards.

Circle was called and the anniversary patches given out, I was issued with names but have since lost that!! I was then given the sleeve for traumatic experience and the loss of 2 litres of blood,  I was then brought in to cleanse the pack, after dealing with the hares for a great run and not making the whole pack do the amazing second half of the run, “Master bates” entered the circle to tell of his going away party next Friday to cries of Fook off you C---t !!!! next in was the ex-Nazi  “Rub Her Turd” to explain about the multiple embarrassing moments he had endure over the past week – Wobbery of his wolex, buying books on line which he already owed, it’s a good job a did not go into his Bottom exploration and possibility of looking at the video footage of the colonoscopy ! People with lack of hash attire were brought in and cleansed, Justin (Mr Wallmart) was brought in for being “Over” hash attired !! numerous other down down were issued and dispatched!

On On was at the Fuente restaurant in the Pueblo, after Mr hash shit- Elephant Arse warned of imminent 3 hour wait for food, luckily this did not materialize, and a sumptuous feast followed with a wee glass of Patcharan to see us off.

Well done Hares.

On On

Sir Flakey

Ps if I have offended anybody tough shit xxxx           

Hashing weekend Rota Runs 91.6 and Mijas Run 1461.


After a 2 hour drive to Rota dressing up as cave persons, then being mauled and chased by dinosaurs round the town of Rota  9.9ks well done guys.. and of course the obligatory on out party until the wee hours… where some of us had far too much to drink, but all in a good cause..

One Tit and I then raced back to Mijas a 4 hour ride home as couldn’t follow the GPS !!!!

Dropped off One TiT, collected the hounds and raced up the road only to be told that due to late arrival.. And no time for a preloube.. I am to be scribe for todays run..

Compared to the flat Run of Rota, we set out up and down and up and down the hillside of Cerros del Aguila, with out beer… trying to find a flour  trail that had been eaten by sheep..

Compared to beautiful sunshine in Rota, we ran round in the cold wind and rain.. A quick beer stop due to rain.. Where I picked up my first of the day and started to feel more human..

Dogs loving the freedom put me back in good spirits… Did a short cut back to the circle and lead many others astray and was promptly pulled into the circle for this offence.. Uhmmm more beer

 GM was on form minus his bone…r and cave man dress…  And announced the Anniversarios and Hash Cash was standing by with arms laden with goodies for the sad bastards that have no lives..

Rusty Twat 50 and her mug which  she couldn’t be bothered to collect ( as she has a life) for over a year..

Megasore Arse 30 runs..

Uncle Fester 200 runs  Badge and after nicking some guys coat called Ralf he then had his name Graffitied on it.

Swizzy Roll 450 Runs… Rummage, Rummage …. badge handed over..

And finally the saddest of them all 

Up your Bum with 595 Runs.. 


Sir Flakey then cleansed many frozen bodies of their sins..too cold and tired at this point to remember or care..

 There was a birthday treat in store for Very Fuckus  in which Sir Flakey cracked eggs on his nose( making it bleed) before mixing it in a crown on his head along with lots of chips flour and beer, please see video supplied by Areoflaps..

On On 


Run #1460

Hares – Elephant Ass and Master Bates

No fewer than forty hashers (without a single virgin to swell the numbers) managed to find their way to the run start in spite of the economical directions and the absence of GPS coordinates so often demanded by Master Bates! Clearly, expectations were running high form two hares with a combined hashing experience of 1000 years.

The first seeds of doubt were planted when it was apparent from body language that the two hares were not on speaking terms and further reinforced from almost unintelligible chalk talk delivered by Elephant Ass. Two beer stops were promised but it seemed that we would be running the inward trail on the way out and the outward trail on the way in although not necessarily in a single pack. A mixture of flour, chalk, and shredded fluorescent hash t shirts provided the markings. Quite why we needed fluorescent markings was never revealed to us. Was it perhaps because Mater Bates expected us to finish in the dark?

The pack set off and soon the FRBs were faced with their first dilemma – an F marking a false trail which appeared to be from a trail coming from the opposite direction. Undaunted they continued on ignoring arrows which pointed then back to the start (or not as the case may be). A check back had the runners flummoxed for a while but eventually on on was called from the river bed and a mere 2km into the run the first beer stop was advertised – only there was no beer. There was also some strange script beneath the BS which could not be deciphered. Rather than hang around the trail was again picked up and into the woods the pack boldly went. At this stage it became apparent that the hares had interwoven their trail with that of the previous week’s other unmentionable Hash. Fortunately Pussy Galore who hared that run was with the front runners and was able to shed some limited light on the matter. Eventually the runners had to admit defeat and Aphrodisiac called one of the intrepid hares and was given directions back to the beer stop from whence the pack had just come. So, the pack actually clocked a healthy 4.5km at the first beer stop where they learned that they had run the inward trail out to the BS and then run the other hash trail. Of course by now many of the walkers had reached the BS although several more were missing. It seemed that the walkers had faced their own challenges and the mobile phone networks had been overloaded with calls for directions. Finally some forlorn hashers were spotted on the horizon approaching on what may have been either the inward or outward trail – or was it the other hash trail? Mummy’s Boy made it to the BS this week although quite how he got there remains a mystery.

The second half (or was it the third for the runners) was then announced by Master Bates and the pack was no less confused. However in the spirit of hashing some of the runners and none of the walkers set off back down the river bed faced with flour and opposing arrows and then after a series of loops which facilitated much short cutting by those who shall remain nameless found themselves back in the river bed and back at the same BS where the residue had quaffed almost all the beer requiring Elephant Ass to head to the nearest gas station to obtain emergency rations.

The run in was signed with the multiple markings and took us up hill and down streets. Here the pack was reunited with those who had fallen by the wayside. Hansel and Gretel had, predictably, got lost after a few metres.

In spite of the advertised run of "moderate length and modest difficulty" the hares (acting independently) had managed to put together a run which ranged from 5-10km depending on how much of the other hash trail had been included, how many loops had been completed and they confused the shit out of even the most seasoned hashers with at times contradictory markings. Then the penny dropped. It was 3rd April and of course April Fools’ day had occurred on the Friday. Now it became clear that this was a deliberate act on the part of the hares to celebrate this great festival. So in fact far from being chastised the hares were to be congratulated for this masterpiece of run mismanagement. There was some talk of "run of the year".

The circle was duly convened and the scoring exposed the different interpretations of the run. Some runners enjoyed it for the exercise value and chose to overlook the fact that most of this was achieved by running up and down the same trail several times. Others gave a score based on amusement value. However, unfortunately for the hares there were sufficient number of hash shit nominations that this overturned an average score of 5.4. Elephant Ass, after his 45 years of hashing, can now add one hash shit award to his trophy collection. The circle atmosphere was tense and it looked at one time as if a fight might break out between the hares and their supporters and detractors. A recount resulted in the same score.

The jury decided that Pussy Galore whould take a share of the blame for having the temerity to lay last weeks other hash trail in the same territory as this week’s Mijas run. Her co hare – Mika – was absent but Varifukus was identified as a close lookalike. Ice was judged to be almost too good for the hares but they bravely took turns on I throughout the proceedings.

The GM then named the anniverarios as Appy Ending with 30 runs (with almost as many hash badges on her waistcoat); Community Chest 40 (runs that is - not age); Gardener with 45; Yogi at 185; Big Mac (your esteemed scribe) with 200 under his belt and bringing up the rear (so to speak) Pussy Galore aka the Pink Baron aka AKA topping the league at 205. Big Mac was awarded with his 200 run badge and commemorative polo shirt.

Justin took over as RA and revisited various aspects of the run which resulted in the hares being punished several times over and increasing the risk of a further beer shortage. Among the other misdemeanours recognised was that of Yogi whose wallet contents had been stolen while billeted at HMS Arcos under the command of Semen Stains. This is a story worthy of a Sherlock Holmes novel. Whilst asleep in his bunk with doors and gates double locked, alarms and security cameras activated and guards and dogs patrolling the perimeter someone entered his room, carefully removed his wallet, ignoring the other goodies on display (no not those!) then extracted the notes leaving behind credit cards and other key documents. The RA conducted a body search of those harriettes who had been present hoping to uncover evidence but the only evidence he found was that harriettes enjoyed his attentions. Shaggy even showed him her Beaver.

All good things must come to an end and so the circle closed with directions to an Indian Restaurant in El Coto. Elephant Ass waved his hands in the air and muttered something about roundabouts and rights and lefts but confidence was not running high that those attending would find their way there. Your scribe chose not to take the risk and went home to the safety of his villa and burnt offerings.

On On

Big Mac

Run 1458- Hares Flakey & Stiff


Location above the tree line in Riviera/Calahonda/La Cala


                MR FLAKEY assisted by a stiffany

The traditional Irish theme run with lots of GREEN

The circle location description as posted by stiffany, supported with rich colour photographs sent our intrepid hashers on a tour of Miraflores and upper Riviera passing the floozee in za jacuzzi and under the N7 to reach the run start,  any boy scout with a bent compass or a Pink Barron would tell you was so easy to locate coming straight up from La Cala.

Anyway all managed to find the location with a few new faces and returnees joining the merry group of Guinness Hatted Hashers.

The area has spectacular views but limited scope for a sensational run due to the restrictions of the topography,roads and fences. However the views made  the slogging up and down the valleys far more bearable along with the amazing turn of fortune with the weather, early in the day rain was lashing down as is the norm in the land of Guinness . The luck of the Irish had the skies clear for the duration of the run. Seamen Stains being a salty old sea dog and armed with the aid of satellite weather predictions and reports from the crows nest,had decided it was far to risky to endanger the life of Oscar the ships dog and his Brazllian and Brace wearing partner, more used to a happy ending than slogging through a force three in lycra and a forced smile. His excuse for non attendance noted in the Flakey camp.

 It was far from a Dry run as lashings of Green Beer and the odd can of the Black stuff kept us all well lubricated, all waiting and wanting the extras advertised for the extended Beer Stop, Cava, Irish coffee, hot potatoes etc

Gangplank and I had Shaggadelic as pilot of a Fiat Panda to bring us to the Hash, however her mind was on other things, Football! and her team was playing an arch enemy back in Manchester. Her plan to fake the start of the run then dash down to Biddy Mulligans Irish bar to savour the game on the wide screen,not in the true spirit of hashing but something Mr Flakey had done many times to support Arsenal his favourite blue team.

In the true spirit of the Hash and Jolly holiday innovative thinking,a smart phone was thrust into the willing hands of our football fanatic and a mutany had been avoided. Viewing the excitement of a one nil defeat on a five inch screen being the high and low point of her day.

Not even an irish coffee or hot potato could remove that phone from her grasp.

The High part of the run and the whole point of the run was the Beer Stop in the former Yogibar,now renamed the Jolly Irish Bar with the best views on the coast. Access now greatly improved enabled our hares to stock the premisses with all goodies we hashers like. Hot Spuds, cold cheese flan, green pie? all washed down with whatever you wished,we could have spent hours up there. Flakey had a paddy when we short cutting bastards turned up well before the pack and he insisting we all hide to avoid the pack knowing the location of the beer stop. Once down in the valley though there was only one way up to the Jolly bar and it was a tuff one looking at the glowing face on Nickybitch, last hash being 4 years ago in the same location. Worth every kilowatt of energy expelled to recharge on all the goodies in the Jolly Bar,taking in the views and the warmth of the sunshine.

Elephant Arse led the charge back to the cars with myself bringing up the rear, knowing the area and not ashamed to short cut managed a ten minute lead on the last ones home. You cant teach an old Bear new tricks, once on sent of the next Guinness I was unstoppable.

Rubber turd and Spermaid still jet lagged from their winter in the Far East found a warm welcome back into the hash,as did a couple from Singapore who I conversed with but have completely forgotten their hash names . Gangplank Syndrome is catching but I didn't leave my walking stick at the Jolly Bar, so I feel I'm a long way from the full blown and irreversible condition that GPS has to offer in our more senior moments.

Our contact in Athens rejoined the group and we all greeted Streak of piss with the respect an expert in all things Greek and transmittable deserves,his input to the sexual health of the group is invaluable.

Dipper the RA did a haircare treatment on Nickybitch in celebration of her recent birthday, she was fortunate not to have had the full cake on the head treatment as that can take a few days to wash out.

Our long standing hash couple renewed there vows after 50 years together, sticky tart and uncle fester are an inseperation to us all, well done and congratulations from every one of us.

I forget the anniversaries except Shaggy had 185 and Up Your Bum having some ridiculous figure which made the Circle Shout  GET A LIFE

The run scored by only those who completed was a respectable  8.7 ish

Gorbbychoffs sister a virgin hasher remembered five hash names to receive her first down down, Gorby got the pleasure of drinking out of her shoe for bringing her along with new shoes, shame on you

Circle closed we head for the coast,its that big blue wobbly thing away from the mountains should any one have forgotten, what confusion at the first roundabout  but we stormed through with Shaggis shouting On On from the car window, the disappointment of her team defeat fading fast with the pull of the hot soup and chilli calling at Biddy Mulligans .

The choice of either half a bottle of wine or a pint on Guinness with the meal was a no brainer for myself and Shaggadelic, she being in the driving seat meant  I had to drink both, not a hard task really .

Awaiting was Capt Stains and crew with ships dog Oscar, master bates another fair weather hasher not on trail today but up for the food and drink at the On On. and good grub it was too.

Flakey and Stiff had a mission to complete, rat and arse have some loose connection but they were determined not to go alone, by this time my lift had cast off with Gangplank as both had to be responsible, one for health reasons and the other for work commitments, I'll let you work it out.

Fortunately for me Just say when lives close by to HMS Arcos and was prepared to drop me off, so it was three more Guinness just for good measures, more talking bollocks and a flip round the dance floor before heading up the hill towards Coin. My 27 min walk to meet my Panda lift down was a breeze in the When mobile heading home to my welcoming bed.

Another hash survivor

The Rev George Mooney (Retired) aka Yogi Bear

Run Number: 1457

Hares: Dippichov and Gobbichov

Location: Near the motorway outside Torremolinos

Time: Ridiculously early

Scribe: JerryCan

When I was assigned to be the scribe I had dreadful thoughts about having to write about back passages in darkest Torremolinos....but fortunately the hares had lied. They also lied about the trail being flat – the first backcheck led us to a steep incline, though clever short-cutting easily avoided this. The trail took us into pleasant countryside the other side of the motorway and not too much blacktop.

The ease of the checks meant that the front runners were well out of sight and at the beer stop about 10 minutes before the middle runners, who were a good 10 minutes ahead of the stragglers. The ease of the terrain was demonstrated by the fact that Karma Chameleon and Mummy’s Boy made it to the beer stop. Last to arrive was Up yer Bum, who promptly dropped her pants (situation normal) and had a pee. 

The ‘in trai’l was a bit shorter and I managed to keep in sight of the FRBs. The final section had us clambering over barricades and crossing the roundabout slip roads. I wondered how long the hares spent looking for the tunnel that clearly didn’t exist. The scores ranged from 6 to generous ‘high 9s’, which Mummy’s Boy averaged at 8.8.         

In the circle, there were far too many anniversarios to mention here. Notable winners were Mega Sore Arse: 25; Very Fuckus: 35 and ‘top of the tree’ (get a life), Up Yer Bum on 590.

Notable DDs from the RA (Flakey), excluding the usual disrespect (of which there was far too much), mug check, and attire included:

Shaggy – not being able to find the run site, yet just having taken on a job involving looking after 80 villas, most of which will be in the back of beyond; and also for not having attended a regular weekly hash during her time in the ‘pool (Liverpool for non-scousesrs). Shame on you Shaggy!

Very Fuckus – taking the hares too literally and wearing a ‘gay boy’ sailor top in the circle.

Yogi – shitting himself after drinking ten pints of guiness (DD awarded by Gang Plank, who did well to remember!) and changing his pants (trying hard to expose himself as usual) because he doesn’t like a ‘cold crack’. The RA’s notes appear to refer to a particular harriette, but I think he thought better about making the award!

On On to the Paddy’s Day Run – and green squidgy cake.


Run 1456- Hare Kindergarden cop and French Erection



It was a beautiful spring day with scents of thyme and rosemary, when 25 hashes and 7 dogs started climbing upto Mijas through the same route that the" mijeсos",villagers from Mijas used to go with the donkeys down to Fuengirola.

To our surprise we turned down to where we had started, so we had to start again through the hikes and paths of thyme and wonderful views of the blue Mediterranean Sea, going down through difficult Tunnels of canes feeling like Harrison Ford in his adventures films.

Back at the circle , coordinated by Dipper and Sir Flakey, besides the usual procedures we laughed at the fact that Uncle Fester had to be rescued from his car to go in the middle and Sir Sparkly claimed that he had to receive the 370 run patch, a couple of scottish ,sorry forgot the name of both, Big Mac and me for Scottish dancing doing a short demonstration of dancing.

The run was given a qualification of 8 points, from all returners in the middle of the circle.

Well done Kindergartden Kop

All in all we spent a lovely day , GRacias a todos, sois formidables.

             Your scriber   

              Swiss Roll


Chinese New Yeal Lun 1452

Run number   沒有一個他媽的線索

Hares: 流沙和范妮僵硬(Quicksand and Stiff Fanny)

Translation follows:


Mao Zedong's Long March started in 1934 and covered 6000 miles. It took them 2 years to try and escape from Chiang Kai Shek's troops and only 10% of the people that set off made it to safety alive. Well, let me assure you, that was a ruddy picnic compared to what we went through today at the Hash...

I mean, just to get served at the restaurant took over 3 years and it would have been longer if  Eggshell Blonde hadn't complemented the waitress on her rather bootylicious skirt. Flattery will get you everywhere.

Anyway, the run. We set off in a rather cautious fashion, having been promised a “view point” by the Hares, with 范妮僵硬 (Stiff Fanny) pointing at El Maromo in a rather lackadaisical way. There was bamboo, there were cobbles, there was shell-fire, and after a while we stumbled upon the Yang Tse. Some sad bar stewards actually started to cross this immense waterway, but Yours Faithfully saw Sir Frakey standing conspicuously in the middle of what was the obvious way ahead, so didn't fall for it.

The few Hashers that hadn't been swept away by the currents eventually returned and confirmed that it was in fact a 檢查返回(Check Back), so we could then get on with the real trail.

We then started up the slopes of the K2 in order to reach the first beel stop. At that stage, Mummy's Boy (媽咪的男孩) had already disappeared, as usual. This time managing to last just a tad longer than Henry Pu Yi in his post as Last Emperor of China.

I must say, at first, I had been rather weary of joining yet another one of Stiff Fanny's bootcamps, but I got more enthusiastic when we were suddenly promised money, vast amounts of it!  So, when we arrived to the summit and stumbled upon a small Temple, I immediately put 2 and 2 together and figured out that the money would be there, in the best Bhuddist tradition. I quickly grabbed the dough: 8 以奧司 (Yiaos) and can now finally enjoy a well-deserved retirement.

Not long after that, we made it to the beel stop, where we were replenished with spling lolls, Tsing Tao beel and clisps. There was a heated and passionate two-second discussion about sending out a search party for  媽咪的男孩, but the outcome was negative.

Off we went again, crossing 湖南 (Hunan) Province and making our way across the Great Wall with considerable difficulty, only to find out afterwards that there was a tunnel right underneath. Looks like 范妮僵硬 was slipping up a bit there, she normally sniffs out a tunnel at the same speed as a sewer rat.

At the second beel stop it became clear that  范妮僵硬 might have lost some skills, but not the one that allows her to create the most inventive cocktails: Cava with Li-Chees was the next treat and believe it or not, it actually tasted great. From there it didn't take long to make it back to our point of departure and start the (Circle – I must say, a rather square logogram..).


我不知道是負責傳遞我的音符該忘記的人。- 20 Luns, 250 Luns and 375 Luns, respectively.

Fortune Cookies: All participants in the circle were given some fortune cookies (made in Germany) and the portions of wisdom (“Man who farts in church has pew to himself”, etc.) were shared out amongst all.

Naming: One of the members of Lilo Lil's football team was given a Hash Handle: “Tiny Tim”, a bit of a boring name, if you ask me. He should have been called “Drop that soap!”, but I was ignored, as usual.

24 hour party-people: 一山雀(One Tit ) accompanied by the usual suspect was accused of sending Yogi Beal text messages at 4.00 am from Pogs, asking him to join in the fun. Apparently they were seducing some Daltonian Finnish bikers and thought Yogi could be of help there. Apart from the fact that Yogi was on a plane heading for Spain (“Oh, I can see Yogi waving goodbye, well it looks like Yogi..”) he is also the proud owner of a 1973 Nokia, so smoke signals would have been more effective than a text message.

And that's all folks, duty calls, so a rather limited report this time, sorry.

 萬歲猴子 (Long live the monkey) !



Mijas hash hoose harriers, Rin number 1450 hares: Seaman staines, 'Appy endin' an' Jist say Gwen. rin score: 9.2 (Translation follows...)

A scottish rin tae celebrate th' birthday ay a certain rabbie burns an' th' hares hud gain aw it tae provide th' ingredients necessary fur 'at purpose. We started at th' top ay a brae wi' magnificent views, reit next tae a palatial abode, probably quite similar tae Auld Reekie castle an' 'en descended intae th' darkest ay allies an' narraw passages. Danger was lurkin' aroond every corner, sharp objects waur forever threatenin' tae pierce uir fragile skin (ur fragile tights, in mah case) an' wi' a boorichie ay neds runnin' behin' me th' hares achieved a huir uv a faithful representation ay Calton, Glasgee. They hud e'en gain tae th' trooble ay leavin' a massife “jobbie” reit in th' centre ay th' car-park, reminiscent ay th' hallowed scottish burglary tradition. Almost a' fowk gart it tae th' motur park, thocht. We took only puckle losses: mummy's loon an' a body ur tois others feel victeem tae th' accostin' neds, but fa cares, reit? Seaman Staines hud bin huntin' fur haggis in th' days previoos an' hud managed tae shit jist th' reit number tae provide us wi' a spoonful ay th' delicioos beastie ance we got thaur. Jist an aw, as Elvis hud eaten aw th' crisps beforehain, sae Ain Tit was saved frae a potentially fatal hunger faint – at leest fur th' time bein'. Th' haggis an' puckle drams ay whiskey helped tae create yit anither bit ay atmosphere: several hashers waur heard tae imitate th' drunken chants ay a boorichie ay Aberdeen oil rig workers oan lae efter a sex week stint oan th' North Brine. Replenished wi' th' innards ay th' beasty, we 'en sit aff again, climbin' back up tae castle rock, whaur we aw regrooped an' prepared fur th' circle. Some titbits frae th' circle - an' aam improvisin' haur, as th' r.a. scuttled aff withit passin' me his notes.. anniversaries: Mega Sorearse 20 runs, that's piles ay runs alrecht. Master Bates 40 runs. Ain tit 85 runs, Izzy in yit 90 runs, Lee Marvin 200 runs – fur which he was given some bonnie gloves, pity 'at seaman Staines ended up usin' them tae waft his privates nae much later. Gangbang 280 runs ain lest, but nae leest, Dogs Bollox wi' 700 runs, fur which he received a complete wardrobe.
Penis envy: yoors truly was called it fur upsettin' a boorichie ay male hashers, fa felt raither stoaner dain by efter observin' his lithe thighs an' calves an' his nae sae lithe gearbox. Debtors: turns it 'at th' bloke fa ate aw th' crisps, Elvis, hud nae e'en paid his fees.
Ain th' operatur said 40 cents mair, fur th' next thee seconds, please.. : we received some mysterioos caa frae Singapair in th' middle ay th' proceedings, jist tae hae somebody daein' yit anither aberdeen oil rig worker imitation.. fortunately he rang it ay coins afair lang.

I'm afraid that's aw Ah min'.. sae, aff we went tae th' castle fur some grub. 'Appy Endin' hud bin slavin' awa' fur thee days tae provide th' hashers wi' a delicioos fife coorse scran, sae we aw sat doon an' tucked in. Silence descended upon th' congregation, noo heartily fillin' their gobs wi' th' available noorishment. Ah kept schleppin' plates ay scran tae Gangplenk, jist tae make sure silence woods rule jist 'at wee bit longer an' mair ur less succeeded. Elvis won at almost every hide-and-seek gam we played an' aam waitin' fur Bravefart, fa kindly released me ay mah duties, tae gezz th' results ay his hide-and-seek toornament wi' said elvis. A stoatin rin aw aroond an' mony cheers tae th' organisers, it was “grand”! ur is 'at Irish? Ah pure cannae teel aw these foreigners apart... oan on Jist in


Mijas Hash House Harriers, run number 1450

Hares: Seaman Staines, 'Appy Ending and Just Say Gwen. Run score: 9.2

A Scottish run to celebrate the birthday of a certain Robert Burns and the Hares had gone all out to provide the ingredients necessary for that purpose. We started at the top of a hill with magnificent views, right next to a palatial abode, probably quite similar to Edinburgh Castle and then descended into the darkest of allies and narrow passages. Danger was lurking around every corner, sharp objects were forever threatening to pierce our fragile skin (or fragile tights, in my case) and with a bunch of neds running behind me the Hares achieved a very faithful representation of Calton, Glasgow. They had even gone to the trouble of leaving a massive “jobbie” right in the centre of the car-park, reminiscent of the hallowed Scottish burglary tradition.

Almost everyone made it to the car park, though. We took only a few losses: Mummy's Boy and one or two others fell victim to the accosting neds, but who cares, right? Seaman Staines had been hunting for Haggis in the days previous and had managed to shoot just the right number to provide us with a spoonful of the delicious animal once we got there. Just as well, as Elvis had eaten all the crisps beforehand, so One Tit was saved from a potentially fatal hunger faint – at least for the time being. The haggis and a few drams of whiskey helped to create yet another bit of atmosphere: several hashers were heard to imitate the drunken chants of a bunch of Aberdeen oil rig workers on leave after a 6 week stint on the North Sea.

Replenished with the innards of the beasty, we then set off again, climbing back up to Castle Rock, where we all regrouped and prepared for the circle. Some titbits from the circle - and I'm improvising here, as the R.A. scuttled off without passing me his notes..

Anniversaries: Mega Sorearse 20 runs, that's piles of runs alright.
Master Bates 40 runs.
One Tit 85 runs
Izzy In Yet 90 runs
Lee Marvin 200 runs – for which he was given some beautiful gloves, pity that Seaman Staines ended up using them to waft his privates not much later.
Gangbang 280 runs
and last, but not least, Dogs Bollox with 700 runs, for which he received a complete wardrobe.

Penis Envy: Yours Truly was called out for upsetting a bunch of male hashers, who felt rather hard done by after observing his lithe thighs and calves and his not so lithe gearbox.
Debtors: Turns out that the guy who ate all the crisps, Elvis, had not even paid his fees.
And the operator said 40 cents more, for the next 3 seconds, please.. : We received some mysterious call from Singapore in the middle of the proceedings, just to have somebody doing yet another Aberdeen oil rig worker imitation.. fortunately he rang out of coins before long.

I'm afraid that's all I remember.. so, off we went to the Castle for some grub. 'Appy Ending had been slaving away for 3 days to provide the Hashers with a delicious 5 course meal, so we all sat down and tucked in. Silence descended upon the congregation, now heartily filling their gobs with the available nourishment. I kept schlepping plates of food to Gangplank, just to make sure silence would rule just that little bit longer and more or less succeeded.

Elvis won at almost every hide-and-seek game we played and I'm waiting for BraveFart, who kindly released me of my duties, to give me the results of his hide-and-seek tournament with said Elvis. A great run all around and many thanks to the organisers, it was “grand”! Or is that Irish? I really can't tell all these foreigners apart...

On on Just In

Run 1449 Stiff Fanny and Community Chest
Venimus, Cucurrimus, Bibimus
Et optime erat!
(**see below)
Run highlights...
1. The Trail in beautiful countryside
2. The tunnel, all 1.2 km of it
3. The weather – clearly the hares took the trouble to dance naked at midnight covered in wode to appease the Gods, I always do this and it clearly works! Perhaps the hares could supply photographs as an instruction to future hares. A video would be even better!
4. The company of course!
5. Not to forget the beer, wine and curry
6. Overall rating 8.6
**For those without the benefit of a classical education this means,
We came, We ran, We drank
And it was very good!

Scribe: TT My arse









RUN 1447 3rd January - Hares : Flakey & Stiffy

 In Rememberance of Dearly Departed Hashers

Commendations were made and a minute's silence held for departed hashers, ably led by Flakey in the purple gown.

Off we went up the hill saying 'we usually go this way', but Assaulty Dog, being a visitor and not knowing that, found the real trail along a flat path between the hill and the road. Of course, once the pack had all followed, the freshly renewed flour had merged into yesterday's rained-in flour and some of the FRBs had got ahead, a CheckBack was found and we went back to the end of fresh flour and followed it Very Steeply up the Hill, as expected...and Up...and Up even more Steeply to the first beer stop with tasty Danish biscuits from Streakey's nephew(hash name ?) and garden tangarines. We were assured the route to the Cava Stop was downhill all the way; of course it wasn't entirely, and involed the usual steep bank to scramble down, and bamboo-jungled streambed to hack along, but the cava was wonderful and the sausage rolls elegant but sufficient.  After that we wondered whether we would be forced around a circituous route back to the cars which we could see through the trees, but luckily not, so forgetting that and the quality of the stops but remembering the Very Steep Hills, the hares Flakey and Stiffany got a grade of 8.7.

Streakey distributed grapefruits before the circle, maybe hoping to distract the RA from mentioning her latest namesake/fruit-bearing efforts at the New Year swim...of course it didn't.

Yogi and Just In ran a tight circle with many downdowns, mostly to Mummy's Boy, being awarded for misdemeanors the previous night involving sleeping at pedestrian crossings, avoiding the whorehouse and swearing on the train amongst others.







RUN 1448 10th January

As dawn arrived, we all gathered at Guadalmar swamp. Amongst the complaints of an early start and stepping over the used johnnys even to get to the starting line, where even the planes overhead changed their normal path to avoid this spectacle, signs were explained to all newcomers and we were off. The route was as flat as Keira Knightley's frontage but for a first run, an average of 7.8 is   very impressive for Appy days. In fact it was going too well until a simple question of "how do you like your Paella" actually translated into a question as difficult as"which came first the chicken or the egg?". Well, the yoke was on Appy Days as she was trying to ask us all both before and after the run, how moist we liked it. After about 20minutes, we realised that it wasn't an innuendo, she actually meant the Paella. At this point, we could hear the restaurant closing so we headed for the On-on after Jezzicle Ferk pronounced his undying love to (Isa) and Yogy displayed his talents in miming whilst handling heavy machinery which really meant an industrial vibrator. That explains the limp. So, apparently the worst was over as we were sent to a restaurant "over there behind the blue building"called Tick Tack. What were the chances of there being more than one restaurant carrying this name in the same square kilometre, well 100per cent actually. Half went to one Tick Tack and the other half went to the other one. At least the food was lovely when we eventually got there and it saved us eating dinner by the time we had finished. Carlos White