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      RUN REPORTS 2008

Run no. -1070 Sir Roys memorial run.- Dec 28th 2008

 Hare - Oxfam Where - Below Mijas

Two run reports this week (& 2 sets of photos)

Well a good start for “Sir Roy's” run was the location. And thats where it ended!
> > Although the directions on the infer web thigie said turn left after the Thai restaurant, it was in fact right! Not to mention that the Hare “Ox” shortened by the fabulous handsome talented twat of an RA had purchased far too much San Miguel Yuk!
> > This was the shortest run that I have had the pleasure of attending. We later measured it at 14 meters including the Drive to the On On. Which was superb by the way and made me feel a bit Guilty about giving Oxfam one. For the run I mean, I didn't actually enter him in any way. But he should have been Shagged for the shortness of the run by all accounts.
> > Talk about down then up then in,in less than 40 mins including the beer stop! It reminded me of fender Benders total sexual experiences for the past 4 years! According to hobble anyway.
> > It would have kept the whole pack together but some sad bastards even ran the first bit (and I mean bit) back again!!!
> > Anyway, seriously for a moment. The GM opened the circle with a reading of hasher's that have gone to the great on on in the sky. All present remained silent for the duration. The hasher's mentioned were
> > After the run receiving mixed comments from hash shit to 9.9?????? the aniversarios were duly downed downed.
> > The Fab, wounder full, handsome, debonair, swarve, educated, funny and totally gorgeous RA did his bit in the circle by making one and all dance around his golden balls, punishing most people for sex on the hash and numerous other trumped up charges.
> > Two hasher's were named Fanny Fiddler and Cheap..er somthing..........(god I was pissed by then)
> > Anyway Circle closed it was on to the ON ON. FAN BLOODY TASTIC a Thai food extravaganza. well done Ox for short!
> And a lovely pair you had doing it for you as well, you lucky, lucky bastard.
> > On On
> > Gang Bang (well....ish)
 _____________________________________________________________________________

Despite Oxfam not knowing his right hand from his left when giving directions on the website, 27 or so hashers managed to find the start area.

 The GM called the group to order and before all our usual nonsense started, requested that everyone whilst reflecting on the memory of Sir Roy who was still running with Mijas H3 when he was 80, to spare a moment to remember other hasher we have lost over the preceding year.

Trigger – Sir Roys wife – always treated us to wonderful curries at the On Ons

Lanker Wanker – past GM of Mijas H3

Roughneck – one of hashes characters

Big John- always supported us when in town

Jim Jolley – Flakeys father who attended run no.1 some 20 years ago and was the brains for the design of our Burro logo.

 After suitable reflection we noticed that it was bloody cold and eager to get the old joints moving we rushed Oxfam through the usual hare instruction, a quick photo and we were off. A quick amble down the road to the first check, then off down a precipitous scrabble into the campo and things were looking good for a long strenuous hash. How wrong can you be !!! after 15 minutes we arrived at the Beer Stop and after enjoying copious quantities of the amber nectar and Lidl’s crisps we ambled back to the cars arriving at the cars some 10 minutes later. We had in fact spent more time at the beerstop than the total run. Oxfam’s protestations that his house had burnt down or something during the previous week were discarded by all and sundry as just an excuse, but everone chose to be magnanimouse and he received an unbelievable 5.5 for effort.

 We all froze to death whilst Colonic Irrigation waxed poetical chastising miscreants in his own inimitable way, and if we had not got cold enough, he dragged two poor sods into the circle for a christening. Cheap as Chips step daughter was named “Comes cheap” and a visitor who foolish told us that he had not received a hash name yet, was christened “Fanny fiddler” to match his girlfriends “Ball handler” name.

 The circle was quickly closed and we headed off to Oxfam’s abode to enjoy the delights of Asian cooking, skewered prawns with peanut sauce, Laos spring rolls, a choice of two Thai/Laos curries and Mango trifle to finish – a spread any restaurant would be proud of!!   Between courses Master Bates treated us all to one of his excellent slide shows of some of our passed hashes.

 A good time was had by all, well done Oxfam, I am sure Sir Roy will be looking down favourably on you.

ON ON

 Two Pies

Olav´s Pictures

Xmas Run

Run no. -1069 Xmas Town Run  Dec 28th 2008

 Hare - Shaggi  Where - Fuengirola town centre

Run no. -1068 - Dec 21st 2008

 Hare - Gangplank Where - Casa Gangplank - Coin

Run no. -1067 - Dec 14th 2008

 Hare - Up yer bum / Sperm Aid Where - Torreblanca

Run no. -1066 - Dec 7th 2008

 Hare - Dogs Bollox Where - St. Anthony´s School

Thanks go out to Dogsy for stepping in at the last minute to set the run and who cares whether it is one of his cycle runs or otherwise.

 As the Grand Mattress was off chasing Agatha Christie on our competitors run, the GM Two Pies decided that he better return to taking the circle as members might forget what he looks like. Stern warning about turning up for On On´s and keeping dogs under control during the Hash established his return presence and made everybody look forward to Spermaids return.

 The Hare Dogsy, gave a brief description of the markings and handed over to Hash Flash who buggered about taking a photo of his foot, the sky and finally the group of approximately forty hashers who were fast losing interest, and were more intent on vanishing up the hill into the Campo. After our recent cold snap the weather remained kind to us and a well marked trail took us up in to the hills and rewarded us with superb views of the countryside to the rear of Fuengirola which we admired whilst imbiding in the amber nectar at the beer stop.The GM tried to set an example by keeping his two dogs on a lead and maintain a position to the rear of the pack, but discovered on his arrival at the beerstop that he was the only silly sod taking notice of his own words – wonderful to command respect is it not?

A few beers and several packets of crisps later the pack headed off once again back to our starting point.

 A very appreciative group said many nice things and awarded a spanking 8.75 – well done Dogsy.

 The GM once again did his brief bit and in the absence of Colonic Irrigation, handed over to the Arch Dickon Dipper, who regaled us in his own inimitable style for an hour while we waited for the restaurant to open.

 A 3 course meal including wine for €8.5 gave us cause for concern but what great value it turned out to be. Please note future Hares - if Dogsy can do it so you all can.  

Two Pies

Hash No:         1065 - La Cala
Date:                Sunday 30th November 2008
Hares:              Sparky YOB

 

Hash No:         1064 - Rio Grande, Coin
Date:                Sunday 23rd November 2008
Hares:              Kindergarden Kop

Once again, we were all there, at the Hash venue, fully intent on performing our weekly chore of keeping, the reaper at bay. There was a good turnout of hashers, something to do with the on on on’s costing a mere 10 euros, probably. Unfortunately, yours truly, was not expecting to be press ganged into being scribe, (thought I’d irritated enough people in the past, to avoid being picked on again) so I wasn’t listening when the actual numbers were announced. We knew however, that it was well gone time for the run to start, when we saw Dipper and Gobichov arriving. They weren’t the last though. At approximately two Cruzcampo’s and a Mahou past three o’ clock, Flakey and Stiffanny hove into view, tacking to starboard, leeward of a South easterly trade wind. The excuse was probably that they got becalmed in the Doldrums, South of the Sierra de Mijas. And still I got scribe!!! I must have upset someone.

 Eventually the circle was called and guess what? Our GM, Knockout Two Pies Neptune, who had just returned from a month of sunbathing in his dishdash and ghuttra, on the beaches of South East Asia, wimped out of his responsibilities and asked that, Dominatrix of the circle, Spermaid to be Grand Mattress, yet again. No problem there though, she does a much better job than him and who would dare to cause dissent in the circle, when she cracks the whip? The Hare was called and his assistant was acknowledged. Swiss Roll was eager to announce to the circle, that although she had assisted with setting the run, Kindergarten Cop had ignored any advice she tried to offer. Like for example, buy some flour!!!!! Perhaps the alarm bells should have started ringing at that point. In fact the alarm bells should have been ringing, when we all noticed how many, really nice signs had been used to guide us to the venue. All without arrows, so we knew when to turn, but not where. He only got away with his last Hash because he had an absolutely superb assistant. Guess who that was!!!!! 

 There being no visitors, or virgins, the run got off to a start, as soon as Karma Chameleon could find the optimum spot for taking the group photo, so half an hour later!!!!! No sooner had the pack set off, than we got lost. Quite easy, when there is no flour to follow. So we were kindly pointed in the right direction and we got lost. Now if an inexperienced Hasher was setting his or her first run, you might understand them being confused, about how you set a Hash. Kindergarten Cop however, has been hashing for ages and as a prolific front running bastard, you might have thought he would understand the significance of laying flour. The major problem was that after checks, split trails or whatever other signs were laid, false trails were not marked and the correct trail had no markings for about a kilometre and a half. So every time there was a diversion, everyone got lost. The up side of this was that the pack stayed together. Well, they were all in Andalucia. The first half of the run continued like that until the beer stop, which most of us eventually arrived at. Where was Master Bates? Was he hiding in the bushes, practising his name? No he was lost. Our gallant hare set off to find him. Eventually he turned up with the ever faithful Gaugin, just as the rest of the pack set off for the final leg of this epic trek. There is nothing to report about the second half of the run, that differs from the first, so, if you actually get round to reading this, Shagadellick, you can go hashing again, cause you aint Hash Shit anymore. Please bring Kindergarten Cop’s bog seat back.

 Back at the circle, the pack gradually arrived in dribs and drabs, discussing suitable methods of causing pain to KC’S various body parts. But where was our hare? He was off looking for Master Bates again, although this time the ever faithful Gaugin had arrived back early and set about challenging Robbie for all the spilled crisps. On the subject of patatas frits, they were about as much in evidence as the flour.

 Eventually Spermaid called the circle and invited the assembled pack to award points for the hare’s efforts. Most of the points were on the ends of large sticks and were pushed into him and he was duly awarded the supreme accolade of being Hash Shit for most of the rest of his life.  Then, as previously mentioned, there were no virgins or visitors, so returnees were called for and the circle imploded. Was anyone at last week’s hash? Spermaid then dished out various down downs, for a variety of transgressions, most of which, I can’t remember, as I had nipped out for a quick fag.

 The circle, in time honoured tradition (TRADITION) was then handed over to the RA. What thespian delight had our closet tranny got in store for us this week? Napoleon perhaps? No he’s not tall enough. Personally, I can’t wait for his Florence Nightingale or his Bodicea. But not this week. This week he had actually excelled himself. He had nipped down to the Michelin factory and bought a suit and he had shaved part of his head, and he came as Dipper!!!!!! Brilliant impersonation. Accurate down to the rubber cock and the over confidant swagger, or was it stagger. No, you guessed it, Colonic wasn’t here this weekend, but he was admirably replaced, by our very own Arch Dickin Dipper.

 Dipper, or should I say, our very reverend RA, took command of the circle and with the social conscience of an erect penis, proceeded to pour warm beer down as many throats as he could, including yours truly, for some discretion or other, Flakey and Stiffany for having attended a boating show or something, and coming back with bits of a 1978 VW Camper Van and Karma Chameleon, for being a reject from the multi coloured swap shop. All of this caused a couple of our number to be overcome with emotion, to the extent that, Semi Retard and Spitoon, could stand it no more and legged it to their car and left, with great alacrity. Now bearing in mind that neither of them had actually done the run, what could they have done to warrant getting a down down and being under the misapprehension that the canned beer was running out, they phoned their mate Vernon and offered him, the loan of a Euro, so he could put it in the electricity meter and reopen the Black Horse. See, puzzle solved.

 The circle was eventually closed and most of the assembly, relocated to Lesley’s Bar, a couple of hundred metres up the road, where at least one of the two advertised courses turned up and a great time was had by all.

 Something that puzzled me this weekend was, the run started after our asst Hash Flash took the group photo. During the circle, all you could see was the wearer of Jason’s many coloured coat, taking one photo after another. At the restaurant, there he was again, click click click, flash flash flash. Now if you care to look on the run reports (above or below this little note) you will see a paltry eighteen photos, most of which are blurred, out of focus, or taken in the dark without a flash. Except of course the two photos of himself, obviously taken by a photographer. What was he really doing?

Also if you look on the run reports and you will have to or you won’t be able to read this, you will notice that only two run reports have been done since Dipper’s away day. So why should I bother? Please disregard this as I can’t be bothered to write it.

 Overall report for Kindergarten Cop,  1 out of 10 could do better. See Me!!!!!

 Great area, loads of potential, loads of effort, no idea!!!!

 On On Fender Bender.

 

 

Hash No:         1063- Estepona
Date:                Sunday 16th November 2008
Hares:              Limp-toed sloth

Deep in the valley above Estepona the eager group met before starting a hash of highs and lows. The run started in a precarious way over an Indiana Jones-esque bridge and took a steep climb to the top of the mountain, then back down followed by a steep climb to the top of the mountain and once again to a much needed beer stop before back to the circle.

 The run received an 8 overall for country and views with complaints that the pack were split up, check backs were too long and the hills were a bit steep – Willy Wankers Willy Warmer thanked the Hare for the trip to Morocco as Vodafone had welcomed her to their beautiful country.

 The circle was started a little earlier than usual as Master Bates and Oxfam arrived an hour after the start of the hash with Master Bates blaming his late arrival on the poor signage to the site and Oxfam just decided to roll up for 16.00 still on ‘old’ time. 10 / 10 for effort to Master Bates who attempted to find the rest of the pack but failed miserably confusing the signs of flour.

 Dipper. entered the circle waving around his shrivelled cock in a very libral manner to the disinterest of most of the circle. Wally giving Willy Wanker’s Willy Warmer a piggy back through the water was hugely frowned upon and led to a theme of ‘One Yorkshire man drinks, all Yorkshire folk drink’, 4 down downs later this started to slow ...

 Attentions turned to renamed ‘War Paint’ who was claiming that her shiner was from falling over pissed at the Malaga Hash however Rubber Turd tried to take the credit despite the fact she had managed to hide this from him for 3 days. Who said love was dead?

 The evening took a down turn and finished in a slightly upsetting way for most when Yogi seemingly pissed down his leg and had to remove this trousers leaving on lookers to admire his tight boxers. Thank god it was getting dark!

Lydia Smith

 The temperature had by now fallen to 11 degrees C, and in a convoy we followed the narrow winding road, down through the river, and on unpaved road. A 4-wheeler would have been great! We finally came to the OnOnOn Venta which was crowded with Spanish people enjoying the lively band. The dance floor was full, and we were placed at two tables on the edge of the floor. Food was good and service was fast. In between stuffing our faces with food and wine, there was time to join in the crazy dancing. Lots of fun.. Well done Hare.

SpermAid

 

 

Hash No:         1062- Mijas Road
Date:                Sunday 9th November 2008
Hares:              Aphrodisiac & Cradle snatcher

Hash No:         1061- ScorpioRun
Date:                Sunday 2nd November 2008
Hares:              Flakey & Golden Cascade
Location:          Marbella

 

                                                       

Hash No:         1060 - Halloween Run
Date:                Sunday 26th  Oct 2008
Hares:              Dumb Arse ditch Dummy
Location:          Rio Grande, coin area

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hash No:         1059
Date:                Sunday 19th  Oct 2008
Hares:              Mummy´s boy/Veuve Clitot
Location:          Refugio de Juanar

AND AS THE WEATHER SHOULD HAVE BEEN.............

 

A wet, grey afternoon when 19 die hard hashers met to tackle the daunting climb to the top of La Concha mountain.

Cloud was rapidly descending and visibility was poor but that did not prevent the intrepid group from pursuing the run in hand.

Fairly quickly the front running bastards were ahead and the old, lame and infirm Sparky. Lilo and Up yer bum decided to detour to an easier route due to poor visibility. Mummy’s boy, God bless his cotton socks, had set the run on flour on Saturday and this had all been washed away by the deluge so like a true hasher had re-set a shorter run on Sunday due to poor weather.

Those front running bastards Rubherturd,Kintergarden and Septic Scrotum managed  the original route to the summit whilst a fairly disparate group tackled the new run in increasing poor visibility.

Sperm Aid was a little confused as she dressed as a chicken thinking it was Easter.

Limp Toed stepped in a R.A for the circle when 8.25 was awarded as marks for the run. A valiant effort I say.

We then retired to the Refugio for an enjoyable meal but unfortunately for Veuve Clitot who had arranged a good price based on numbers only 17 partook as the other lazy bastards had stayed at home in the dry and warm cos they could not be arsed to go to the run despite many excuses. To add insult to injury when asked to give a euro tip only 10 out of 17 people did. Old habits die hard!!!!!!!!!!!!

All in all a great effort. Many thanks to Mummy,s boy and Veuve Clitot.

Scribed by a very straight speaking Lilo.

Hash No:         1058
Date:                Sunday 12th  Oct 2008
Hares:              Streakys
Location:          Mijas Golf area

 

Hash No:         1057
Date:                Sunday 5th  Oct 2008
Hares:              JY Kelly/Big Mac
Location:          Eldorado Cuidad del Cine

 

Hash No:         1056
Date:                Sunday 28th  Sept 2008
Hares:              Dipper/Karma/Golden Cascade/Gobi
Location:           Magical Mystery Tour - Somewhere near Grazalema.

 As black storm rain clouds gathered over Fuengirola feria ground a band of 37 or so hashers waited patiently at 9.30 in the morning for the now late coach. However we did receive light relief from the Guardia Civil who entertained us with their industriousness in towing cars away to the police pound - today was Fuengirola Romeria something our hares had forgot to advise us of. The scribe considered himself lucky to have parked around the corner but was disillusioned on his return at 11.30 in the evening to find that his car had been broken in to and his Emporio Giorgio Armani sunglasses had been stolen – will now have to get down to my local Chinese bazaar and buy another pair for ˆ3 !!! 

I digress – the coach arrived and with much trepidation we boarded and set off to who knows where – Spermaid ran a book on where we might be heading and with guesses such as Delhi and Beijing it was apparent that we did not have a clue. Hobble Gobble inspired us with her “I think it is along the coast, but inland” ( you sure you have no Irish in you Hobs ) and we settled down to enjoy the trip and appreciate the view out of the windows of the now rain swept countryside. Along the coast for an hour or so then hang a right and head inland up the mountains ( almost right Hobs ) and with a 10 minute break for 37 of us to get a coffee ( lending a whole new meaning to Expresso coffee ) we arrived at the run site some 2 hours later.

 The rain had packed in for now but boy was it cold.  After a quick circle with the hares usual Hares misinformation we headed off up a mountain, and up, and up, and up – the scribe received Hash shit for doing less than this. Relief finally arrived at a check which took us all down hill, our enthusiasm was dimmed however when we came upon an F !! Back up the hill to the check, and guess what! the trail took us uphill some more, but this time a scramble and climb up rocks reminiscent of one of Stiff Fanny´s assault coarse hashes. Finally we arrived at the top, and we all marvelled at the 3metres view in front of us, as the mist had now come down with a vengeance.  Having enjoyed the view for a good 30 seconds, confusion ensued as we all searched for a non existent check, finally to be directed in the correct direction by the sweeper Golden Cascade. During this period we managed to loose a hasher; fortunately it was only 12 year old Scratchy and as he is now making a habit of getting lost, nobody cared a damn. A welcome downhill slope for half hour or so led us to the beer stop where we enjoyed a light lunch before heading on for the second part of the trail.  The only advantage of spending an inordinate amount of time going  up is that on balance you have the same distance down. This was the case and we were treated to what would have been a pleasant run or amble if the heavens had not opened after 5 minutes and we finished up slipping and sliding on clay, finally running down a path which had now become a river to the finishing area.

 After a while the circle was called, only to be abruptly stopped by the revelation from Aphrodisiac that the Hash camera was waterlogged and we would not be able to have a record of this momentous run. New hasher Olaf jumped into the breach and made his camera and presence known by popping up at inappropriate moments to take piccies. Anyway back to the story; Two Pies did his GM bit and the group awarded a well earned 8.75 for the run. The circle was passed to Colonic Irrigation who, for reasons best beknown to himself, turned up in a Roman Toga! ! perhaps he will use any excuse to get into or under a frock.  The usual RA tirade followed with Fender Bender doing his party piece with the sleeve and Colonic giving us all a latin lesson and renaming everybody. The joviality  finally came to an end and we boarded the bus to the eatery. 

Jelly Belly an ex Mijas hasher from way back, has left his restaurant in La Cala and reinstated himself in Grazalema ,which translated means the middle of nowhere. Having had no custom for 3 months he was therefore pleased to have the hash take over his establishment and upset his customer. He treated us to great hash nosh, we sang and told jokes and a great time was had by all. One notable occurrence was Karma Chameleon telling 3 jokes and also remembering the punch line (keep taking the tablets Karma they are working). Well sated with food and drink we piled into the coach for our trip back to Fuengirola  

A great day out thanks to the enormous contribution of the hares.  

ON ON - 2 pies

Photos: Hares setting the run (note the good weather)

 

Photos:Thanks to Olaf,Shaggi & Aphrodisiac(before the camera got wet)

 

Hash No:         1055
Date:                Sunday 21st  Sept 2008
Hares:              Shaggadelic / Speed Bumps
Location:           Mijas Road - Pueblo Tranquillo

This was the day after the Great End-of-Summer Ball, but a good 30 people turned up to relieve their heavy heads.

We were warned of looooong False trails, a true runners run etc. Off we went on this extremely hot afternoon straight into a X. A bit of a long check which immediately led into a split trail and then again into another split trail. Then we were finally on our way running, walking. Yours truly was very lucky to hit the right trail at the checks, but not so lucky to get to what would turn into a BS and a check 5 minutes after she passed it. Thus I ended up going down and down and around just to find a flicking F. Back up the hill and the BS was in place, with a check-around and all…

All in all the whole run was of a true Hair-of-the-Dog length and was given an average of 7.5. Well done Hares – or should I call you Does, as you are both of the female gender.

RETURNERS:      more than half of the circle

VISITORS:        G-String and Machine from Singapore Hash

VIRGINS:         Bahman – friend of Salmonella

ANIVERSARIOS: Golden Cascade           205

                     Swiss Roll              170

                     RubHerTurd           145

                     SpermAid              145

                     Septic Scrotum          95

                     Speed Bumps             25 and a badge

Our great RA took over, and what did he produce? A great and dirty cardboard box, which could easily contain a squatting Hasher. He lined it with a few empty chips bags, and placed 2 of the Harriettes (one at the time though) in there.. Golden Cascade and Up Ya Bum had the great delight of trying it out for size. And it really did fit. There was some sort of a boob size contest as well, and lots of DDs for sins committed at the Summer Ball.

Finally we were all relieved of our many sins and ONONON we went to Desiree Restaurant on the Avenida de Mijas Road for huge plates of Pork meat in different dresses.  And some great Flamenca (Gitano) entertainment which involved our Hare Speed Bumps.

Great Night. Thanks Hares (Does).

ONONON SpermAid 

 

Hash No:         1054
Date:                Sunday 14th Sept 2008
Hares:              Hobble Gobble and the disrespectful Fender Bender aka Rudolf Hucker!Shaggadelic / Speed Bumps
Location:           Alhaurin woods

 Some 28ish hasher's had nothing better to do on this lovely Sunday afternoon. The circle was called at 16.15 and we were introduced to 2 new cummers Clint and Allan.
We started going up hill for some 12 km then on to the Sierra Nevada; around the mountain twice then Back to Alhaurin.
The run took us through some great campo with fantastic views all around. well marked and interesting.
The beer stop was in the shade thank God and then we set off again: I took the ww accompanied by Summer for part of the way until she was kidnapped by two dodgy looking people in an Spanish registered English/Japanese 4X4. the route took us ww´s along the road back to the cars.
The circle was called at 6.30ish  by the GM and then the aniversarios were duly rewarded: Streaky 105 runs and Marshy Pees 15 runs.

2 pies then allowed the RA (a fine and upstanding hasher of great caricature and personality) in for some serious chastising.
Karmer the git, then chose to pour water all over the RA for no reason whatsoever so he had to sit on the potty and get his ball wet! Good choice I think?

The Golden balls were dropped twice and so did the hashers.

Fender Bender/Rudulf Hucker (I think we should re name that Bastard if only to make him get his wheel cover re done) was sleeved for a change as he has not had it for at least a week.
Mummies boy and Verve Clito were done for trying to stop a deaf and dumb driver reversing into MB: Turns out that there was nobody in the car anyway!
Gangplank and Mummies boy both  had new shoes so you know what happened there!

The circle then closed after about 3 hours of punishment to all in attendance then the on on.

Great food at the Boma or Bomber or Bummer whatever its called: I can´t remember; with some of the best wine that I have had on the hash to date: well done guys this made a nice change from the usual crap salad, dry pork chop and bloody flan! We had a Poiky pot or a curry; edible salad wine and a liqure for only 11 euros! Brill!!!

Well done again Hares you scored an 8 for the run (should have been a 9 if you ask me)

on on on

Collonic Irrigation or Yes, Mr Irrigation, Sir if you can´t remember it Karma? :)

Hash No:         1053
Date:                Sunday 7th Sept 2008
Hares:              Karma/Golden Cascade
Location:           Back to skool run - Fuengirola

For those wingers amongst you, we are now back to Sunday running and a throng of 25 to 30 hashers dutifully met for this years back to school run. For some reason it appears that the opportunity of dressing in kids attire was popular, the harriettes excelled themselves in freckles,pigtails, gym slips and tight blouses (this was fantasy overload) and the guys were in ties and short shorts (for those with that preference).

 The motley group circled up for the hares brief instructions on their live hare run. After being suitably dispatched to do their worst, Colonic Irrigation then kept the pack well entertained with his name game for 15 minutes or when we decided the hares had enough time to set the run..

 The run itself took us through the streets of Fuengirola entertaining both locals and tourist alike with our cries of “on on, checking, and what markings”. The scribe will not bore you with the run details as many know the streets of Fuengirola, and those who do not will not be interested anyway. Never the less the hash proved to be quite enjoyable providing us with a suitable amount of running and confusion and two excellent bar beerstops to replenish liquid lost through running in the heat of the day.

The run was awarded a commendable 7.75 for a good effort.

 Colonic Irrigation surpassed himself in his latest incarnation as a deviant Benny Hill type school teacher (kindergarten cop please take note) complete with pebble glasses, thinning fold over hare and dirty shirt. Taking on the roll with gusto he distributed several canings to miscreants, many of whom seemed to enjoy the experience and came back for more. Colonic went on to call the shool register for class H3 and Karma Chameleon demonstrated how close into senility he is as on 5 occassions he could not remember the words “Here Mr.Irrigation sir” (not difficult hey?)

 After awhile the circle was disbanded and we trotted to a local restaurant for the on on.

 ON ON

 Two Pies

 

Hash No:         1052
Date:                Monday 1st Sept 2008
Hares:              Stiffanny & flakey  
Location:           Beach Party near La Cala
 

Hash No:         1051
 Date:                Monday 25th August 2008
 Hares:              Two pies & Fender bender  
Location:           Barranco Blanco
 

After setting the Run for the Malaga Hash 2 days earlier, Fender Bender, not unreasonably, used the same location again. A goodly number attended, 40+  in fact.

So it was up through the pines for the first half to a great location for the Beer Stop. However, … there was just one little problem along the way. On one check, every possible route option had an F on it. Confusion reigned and eventually it took a phone call to the Hare to solve the problem. Apparently an F from the previous Run should have been erased. It must be said that this was not the first time that the pack have been confused or lost on a trailn.

Then the second half started … and went on, and on, and on. As the majority returned it was going dark and the Circle was certainly held in the dark. Clearly the Run was just too long for an evening start.

There were some calls for Hash Shit, but not enough. Flakey was GM for the night and Colonic Irrigation did his usual stirling job as RA. The circle was most remarkable for the entry of a car, driven by Septic Scrotum, to take his down down.

The ON ON was at Los Nebrales and we may well have got ourselves banned at the end of the evening for singing the hash hymn ”in a residential area”!

 Kindergarten Cop

 

Hash No:          1050
Date:                Monday 18th August 2008
Location:          Fuengirola Castle/Campo area
Hares:              Shaggi/Up yer bum
Shaggy‘s explanation of the Run included the comment that the first half was three quarters! Thereafter we travelled the big, dusty tracks around the periphery of Fuengirola. I didn‘t enjoy it but the average score was around 7. However, the GM later explained to us the gist of a telephone conversation that he’d had that morning with Shaggy to the gist of ……

 “What, you’ve no beer organized! What, no crisps either and …. ..…..What,  you want me to buy them and use my pickup for the beer wagon as well!!!!”

After this, and at the urging of the GM, 2 Pies Knock Out Neptune, Hash Shit was duly awarded.

If there was any doubt about Hash Shit it was ultimately confirmed  when, 10 minutes into the Circle, first the security guards arrived and asked us to leave, it being a private car park, … then the Police arrived! So the Circle lasted about 15 minutes! Not so bad after all then.

Thereafter we repaired to Ringos for the usual best value possible ON ON on the Hash …

If you manage not to be molested by los gitanos!

 Kindergarten Cop

 

 

Hash No:          1049
Date:                Monday 11th August 2008
Location:          La Mairena
Hares:              Gangbang/Colonic Irrigation

Twenty or so hashers mustered at La Mairena a number well below our usual -  was it the hot summers evening that kept people away or was it the totally inadequate signposting from the N340. Either way the hares were blamed for both of the reasons and were duly punished with a down down. 

Anyway back to the report. Those of us who had passed the initiative test waited patiently for those others who may have not been so persistent, but finally gave up and called the starting circle 25 minutes after we were supposed to have left; only to be disturbed by the arrival of ex Grand Master and ex Grand Mattress, Flakey and Stiff Fanny having still not appreciated that bonking on a Monday afternoon does not get one to the hash on time.

 I digress – despite our jaundiced expectations the hash run took us through some delightful campo with views up the hills to Alhaurin and down to the med. One could wax poetical about these views but as I am not an out of work Real Estate broker I will not bother. A well marked trail took us down into the valley bottom only to take us back up again to the welcome beer stop where we enjoyed the amber nectar whilst we awaited the arrival of the back markers. Every hash since the Committees decision to always take a first aid pack has resulted in a veritable crop of accidents and injuries, this hash was no exception the latest being Trailer Trash who sprained his ankle when he stood on a loose stone on a loose stone campo path.  Those of us who could be mistaken as caring a damn made suitable noises and platitudes before evicting Colonic Irrigation from the beer wagon in favour of Trailer Trash for his free ride back to the cars. The second half was a carbon copy of the first , taking us down into the valley bottom and back up an unbelievable assault course to our cars and more beer.

 The run in general was considered to have been well laid and the right length for a hot summers evening and was awarded a spanking 8.75 ( am I ever to get rid of hash shit?) 

Due to the resident RA having set the run the circle was passed over to Flakey and Fender Bender who dished out retribution for misdemeanours to all and sundry but especially taking the golden opportunity to level the score with Colonic Irrigation.

 Afterwards we were guided to a restaurant in the middle of nowhere, I believe somewhere between La Mairena and La Cala where we enjoyed some of the best food experienced at an on on. Those who elected not to go missed a treat.

 A great hash evening for others to be measured by. 

Two Pies  

Hash No:          1048
Date:                Monday 4th August 2008
Location:          San Anton Church - Mijas
Hares:              Aphrodisiac 

Bloody alarm clock did not go off again and the rush hour traffic around Mijas pueblo caused me to be late again!!!!  Hence I am hash scribe.

But what an honour it has turned out to be. Those who did not show for this run surely missed out, the start location was familiar (the old church) but the rest run and the scenery was  just fantastic.

The cheese eating cloggy Mr. “Aphrodisiac” did us proud and must have done a lot of reeccing to make this run work.

From the church we headed off into the campo along single track trail, for August the evening was not to hot, I am sure the locals knew it could only be crazy extranjero`s running at this time of the year. On On through beautiful Mijas country side, at a cunning check where I was sure that the hare would have taken us into what looked like an interesting gore and rock formation turned out to be wrong, and I was at the back of the pack which was not that bad as it gave me a chance to chat to all the slow bastards, Mr & Mrs “Messyfarty” and friends where the first people to chat with as they gasped for air, the ladies were perspiring profusely and the men sweated like pigs!!!

I was informed by “Dogs`y” that they had used this trail a few weeks back but it was all new to me. On up and after a huge hill came the “BS” sign where we were treated to melon, oranges and lashings of cold drinks, just grand it was!!

After quenching our thirst, order was called and Mr “Aphrodisiac” went into a long speech on the workings of the second half of the run, he tried to put us off by telling us it continued up over the road and into the adjoining  mountain side, this was a little to much for “Fender Bender” who did a major short cut and headed home down the next lane, we were joint on the second half of the run by Olly and his mate whom for some reason had already being running around the second half of the run (youth of today).

As we approached the road crossing “El Thid” appeared in an un marked car and took “Ginger minge” and his young daughter “Band aid” off, I think this may be worth mentioning to the Police in Portugal????? 

The second half of the run was also very enjoyable, along the mountain  ridge back under the Benalmadena – Mijas road onto single track trail and cleverly finding a trail back to the church. A Mark of 8.5 was given and I personally think it’s the best run this year, well done “Aphrodisiac”.

The circle was the usual fun affair with the GM “2 pies” ridiculing my good self for being slack with the hare line (A fair cop) and our RA “colonic irrigation” for crashing his car on the way to the run, “Dogsy” stood in and made some good charges, slagging “golden cascade” for lack of respect for the dishing out the run badges as if they were “bus tickets” and then got all the “twins” in for a drink!!! (you would have to be there).

The circle was closed and it was On On On to the “Fiesta bar” where a excellent meal was served up and washed down with copious amounts of vino. 

 I would like to finish with a few points: As “Colonic irrigation” was in fact last to arrive at the run site he should have done the hash sheet, but as he had a badly bruised (Fractured – broken) hand I took pity on him !! Colonic you owe me one!! And the Other thing is crashing cars!!! This use to be left to one man only on the Hash “EL Pulpo” who on a regular act unselfishness would crash his car either too or from the hash, I hope this does not boil over into some childish fight between you two on who should be the official “hash crash” .

 On On

Flakey

 

Hash No:          1047
Date:                Monday 28th July 2008
Location:          Mijas golf Road - River bed
Hares:              Dipper/Karma

 


Run Score:        Score:              7 & 3 quarter pounders Hash No:          1046
Date:                Monday 21st July 2008
Location:          Mijas Village Run – Semi Live Run
Hare:                Hares: Salmonella Rushdie, with his sidekick Dogsy handling the beer, ice, restaurant (good choice by the way ... note the sarcasm)
Run Score:        Score:              7 & 3 quarter pounders 

Here goes to my first attempt at the dubious honour of being a Hash Scribe. I have to say I am slightly nervous since I am usually pretty oblivious during the actual Hash itself and typically stick to the back with other fellow dodgy … I mean doggie Hashers, and am usually astounded by all the offences committed on the Hash. I am told I need to write about any interesting occurrences on the Hash and the Circle, which I shall attempt to do. I have also been told that stretching of the truth is also encouraged. I was advised to take a look at the MijasH3 website and that the one before last was the bench mark. Well that one was a weekend run and so I took the one before that, which were 1500 words!!! What the Beep? How the Beeping Beep am I going to fill that much space?

Since this was my first time ever looking at the website I decided I should read the Hash rules, of which I was completely unaware. One rule that particularly caught my interest is rule number 11: “Short-cutting is allowed. Being caught short cutting is a serious offence (see Rule 10). A short-cutter will be known as an SCB (Short Cutting Bastard).” It’s a bit like the rule in Singapore where you can chew gum but are not allowed to buy or sell it. A loophole if I ever saw one, one which somebody on this run is suspected of taking advantage of this. However, this hasher escaped punishment by our ever vigilant Colonic Irrigation Device. He was obviously intent on getting a crate of beer, which since this was a semi-live run, would be the prize that Salmonella, our Hare of the day, would have to cough up.

 Salmonella had previously set up some Falsie’s, On Backs and Checks in and around Mijas Village a few hours prior to the run. He got a 15 minute head-start and Rushdied off with his flour dropper thingy magiggy. There were there were various rumours going around that due to having run out of flour the white stuff we where following was some other unidentifiable substance. Was this supposed to be some kind of insentive? ... this is a Hash run, not a Coke run!

 While waiting the required 15 minutes we took the Hash photo after a brief skirmish between Ben & Spotted Dick (aka Dax). Our virgin, Simon, was invited to introduced himself to us all and soon after we scurried off in the direction that Salmonella had disappeared, however (Pig somebody) managed to incur an injury before even getting to the first bit of white stuff when he unceremoniously landed on his rump and scraped his arms in his attempt to save himself, drawing blood. Although his injuries are a pale comparison to the once that I managed to inflict on myself at last weeks Hash, evidence of which can be seen in last weeks photos if anybody is interested.  

It was a very pleasant run with lots of uphills & steps (first lot were 56 ... yes I counted them!) to challenge our gluteous maximus muscles. The views on the early part of the run where spectacular, although the waft of horse manure was rather rustic, and there was a lovely walk through a park with streams and such. Colonic Irrigation had his notebook and pen to hand to jot down punishable sins; you can see the intense dedication eminating from his eyes.  

When we eventually entered the village, from the back-end I might add which is only appropriate as many Hash names are about the back end of things, I bumped into some friends drinking beer at a roadside café and seeing as we had not yet found the beer stop I was sorely tempted to stay and find my way back later on. Now, had I known about rule number 11 I might have done that! Ahem … I’m joking … I would never do that … really your honours!

 After what seemed like an age, we got to the beer and pee stop. Salmonella set off again with the intrepid Hashers following soon after. We went up so many steps at this point I lost count! Beepit, why didn’t I know about rule number 11 before this? 

 All in all it was a good run, although the Hash dogs would have prefered more off-lead time, the village Spectators where enthralled by the sight of the many dogs, particularily the Spotted Duo, trotting alongside the sweaty runners and walkers. When the last Hasher staggered, I mean strolled back to the parking lot the circle was called by the GM and various anniversaries were acknowledged. 

5    runs      Gardener
45   runs     Colonic Irrigation
100 runs      Streaky
120 runs      Stiff Fanny’s Dick
200 runs      Karma Chameleon (he got a special twee gay mug in honour of this occiasion)
225 runs      Salmonella Rushdie

     Colonic Irrigation took over to cleanse us of our sins. Last week he was dressed in a priests outfit, this week he was a bullfighter with his golden balls on display. They looked so delicious that Pebbles, who is Rebecca & Salmonella’s doggie, jumped up to lick them.  

Fender Bender had to drink from the sleeve, which he did with his shirt off since he didn’t have a change of clothes for the on on. Various other hashers got cleansed of their sins by having to do a down down and there were many faces pulled at the quality and temperature of the beer. Colonic Irrigation had a wooden sword with him and at any excuse spanked his fellow hashers with such great glee that I wonder what goes on in the bedroom with Gang Bang. It was a certain Hashers 50th birthday and he got his birthday spanking … all 50! (I was told to stretch the truth …)

The Virgin, Simon,  was called into the circle and a challenge was given by Colonic Irrigation: each of the Hashers had to say their name and give their score for the Hash, after which Colonic Irrigation would choose at random 4 Hashers. If the Virgin could correctly remember all 4 Hashers names and the score they gave then he could chastise Colonic Irrigation, if he got any wrong then he would have to do 3 down downs. With absolutely no help whatsoever from other Hashers, the Virgin correctly guessed all 4 Hashers names and the scores they gave, however Colonic Irrigation used his RM powers to change the rules and they both did a down down.

 The votes were averaged out and a score of 7¾ was given to Salmonella. Having never done a town run I have no idea if this is a good score or not.

 Band Aid was called into the circle and was given some oversized sunglasses that were nearly the same size as her and kept falling off her cute freckled nose and she was obliged to down down 3 glasses of pop.

 After all was said and done 33 or the 36 Harriers & Harrierettes made their way to the on-on at Restaurante Osunillas. It was a good 30min before our food choice orders where taken where we had the choice of gazpatcho or fish flavoured water for starter & either pork chops or fish for main course. Dax & Pebbles enjoyed the gazpatcho very much & they enjoyed a few battered fish dinners swimming in water and thrice cooked vegetables too, which took 2hrs to arrive, but which time nearly half the table had gone home. The BBQ pork chops were apparently quite tasty though and the shop bought flan and ice-cream was delicious. After having arrived at the on-on at 9pm, we eventually finished our desserts at well past midnight! Dax, Pebbles, Ben & the other doggies thank the restaurant for their abysmal cooking that allowed them to eat so many Hashers dinners!

 I must have waffled on now for nearly 1,500 words and so I shall end here ... ON-ON … INTERPUS & SPOTTED DICK (aka DAX

1045-Septic Scrotum/Pert Arse
  Location - Torreblanca campo
 On a far too hot Monday summer evening around 30 hashers gathered for the weekly excuse for a piss-up. But first the run. The usual complains from Tweetski Pie that we shouldn´t be running on "his land". The run started around 7:30. Not too much enthusiasm at first as we have run in this area lots recently. But, hold on, the hares had actually found some unhashed tracks! Lovely rock climbs, hidden valleys & a really good first half. Second half a bit tame but all-in-all a good run. Marks 8/10.

Short circle with Aphrodisiac showing an unhealthy interest in a flock of very attractive goats. Can´t comment on the meal as I feigned a head-ache but from the photos it looked like a lot of fun.

Can´t match Fender-bender for length so not going to try.

On-on Dogsy


 

Summer Camping Weekend
 1043-Colonic Irrigation/Fender Bender
1044-Gangbang/ Gobble Gobble
  Location - Tarifa
(Camply Camping) Sorry but that was in-tent-ional

 Well, where do I start? So much went on and trying to remember it all, makes my brain hurt. So, if I miss out anything significant, please accept my apologies.

First of all, it was a superb weekend, so, many, many thanks to Colonic Irrigation and Gangbang, for the hours and hours of recce-ing and trips to Tarifa and general organisation, Knockout-Two Pies-Hash Shit-GM-Neptune, for all the work he put in, Stiff Fanny and Lilo Lil for all the fodder and preparation and so on and all the people who lent a hand with cooking and the myriad other well appreciated efforts, not forgetting everyone who turned up, to make the weekend a memorable one. Thank you one and all.

Friday

The weekend really got started at about lunchtime on Friday, although some had been there since the day before. Obviously, they had nothing better to do. But we knew it had started, because that was when the cock-ups started. Colonic Irrigation had block booked an area for about twenty tents, but when people arrived the reception allocated individual spaces, for billing purposes. Being smart enough to have booked a bungalow, some of us just stood back and watched the fracas. Imagine someone parking their car where your tent should be!!!! However the drama subsided, with the introduction of beer.

You may recall, that the theme for the Friday, was American Independence Day. About half a dozen Hashers had actually remembered and were rewarded with a free beer, for their efforts. Everyone else was rewarded with two free beers. However, one Hasher of note, who appears to have lost the plot of late, completely forgot, either, that he had prepared for the theme, or what day we were doing it on. July 4th is usually a bit of a give away, but more on that later.

The Friday afternoon passed with some of the later arrivals turning up, people going to the really superb beach and others, heroes who shall remain nameless, set off in search of ice and other such necessities. By the evening, most of the 40 odd (and I mean odd) participants had arrived, sorted their habitations, picnicked and the partying commenced.

A circle was called and our GM initiated registration. There being one virgin, Shagadelic’s Dad was called to the circle, to be introduced to the membership. However, realising the shortcomings of our Hash Shit, he dispensed with Two Pies and took control of the circle himself and proceeded to grill the assembled Hashers. Name, rank, number, reason for being here, what kind of parents gave you names like Septic Scrotum, Colonic Irrigation, Stiff Fanny, that sort of thing? Eventually K2PN regained control and doused him with warm beer. Registration over, let the games commence.

While I remember it, some of you may have noticed, that our Arch Dickin’s (aka Dipper’s) version of Americana, included a green plastic coronet or tiara, or whatever it is called, as worn by the statue of liberty. Coincidentally, the T Shirts for the camping weekend, which were either fully designed by, or at least partially designed by, said Arch Dickin, included a caricature of the statue of liberty. Is that taking the peas or just coincidence? However, not satisfied with stealing a march on his fellow Hashers, our Arch Dickin, syndicated the whole design of the garments, through one of his contacts in Wapping, (a small village on the north bank of the river Thames, between the Hamlets of Shoreditch and Limehouse,) Because the observant amongst you, especially those with no concept of literary value, could not help but notice, that the Sun “newspaper” on Monday, ran a front page headline, about some pop bird, who the youngest amongst you may recognise, which read, “Madonna’s Hanky Panky Yankee.” Now, is that weird, or is Dipper on an earner?

We had Dumb Arsed Ditch (Durch) Dummies HiFi, we had lights strung all over the camp, we had electric fans, we had electric kettles, we had all manner of electrical conveniences. What twat forgot to bring the electricity? You guessed it, there was no electrical plug point. Not to worry, it is a little known fact, that the middle name of every christened Hasher is “Larceny.” Where there is a will there is a way. “Let’s nick it from a bungalow.” So we did, and bungalow 27, the unofficial beer tent, accounted for 50% of Tarifa’s national grid. So we had much, quaffing of alcoholic beverage, dancing, music and all under the bright camp lights. Strangely enough, when it got dark, the ambience was greatly enhanced by the red glow, coming from bungalow 27. An extremely good evening was had by all and by about 0130 many had retired to their tents, to recover from the strains of travelling and the erection of our canvas ghetto. However, a few stalwarts gathered at the, red glowing, unofficial beer tent, which is probably why, we failed to notice, that some members of our entourage, were becoming increasingly irritated by a nearby bunch of Spanish campers who were still noisily partying, at about 3 to 3.30 am. The bravest of our group, who was nominated by all of his colleagues, who had big sticks and threatened him with violence, if he didn’t, went to complain. But when he entered the campsite to complain, guess what he saw? Speedbumps/Aureola!!!!!

Saturday

Saturday started well, with the campers enjoying a superb breakfast. Anticipation was high within the camp.

The Hash was scheduled for four o clock, 1600 hrs to those of you with digital watches. So there was the opportunity for people to choose what they wanted to do. They could go to the beach and kite surf, they could go to any one of a dozen or more restaurants for lunch and libation, they could go to the pool and swim, or they could laze around the campsite and relax. Most chose to go to the nudist beach and inspect the Brazilians. However, Willy Wanker, chose to go to the nearest beach and sunbathe. How can anybody go sunbathing, in a long sleeved shirt, long trousers, a balaclava helmet and gloves? He even had his shoe laces undone. Willy Wanker can!!!!! Mork, however, decided to go sightseeing. He went to have a look at South Africa!!!!!! He saw, Table Mountain, the Transvaal, Thabo Mbeki and Nelson Mandela, fresh back from his birthday party, with a jar of Alka Seltzer in his hand. All of which, of course, can be seen from Tarifa. Personally, I think it was just the jar of Alka Seltzer, he thought, or wished he could see. Good job we didn’t go to Portugal, or he would probably have seen Sugar Loaf Mountain. More water with it, Mork.

While all this was going on, Colonic Irrigation, Gangbang, Gobble Gobble and your Scribe, set off to fulfil the desires of all those true Hashers who had come just to run. Now whilst setting this Hash and at the point when we were furthest up the big forested hill, Gobble Gobble, had a brainwave. She suddenly realised, why she was always so unstable, on a Hash. She now understood, why she was always falling over and bruising either her arse or her elbow. The problem is, both her legs are the same length. If one was shorter than the other, she would be more stable, on undulating terrain. The solution!!! Chop a bit off one of them!!! Armed with this sudden understanding of all her problems, she set about resolving the issue and thrust herself groundwards in the direction of a razor sharp rotting tree root, all the while being careful not to spill her bottle of water, or drop her bag of flour. Well, you wouldn’t want to incur an additional down down, would you? But alas!!! The offending bit of leg was still there, only now there was a gash in her knee, the size of Cheddar Gorge. Claret poured forth. In seconds, Colonic Irrigation was on the scene, “Stop bleeding, we will get iced for setting the trail in red.” With that and God only knows where from, he produced a wad of surgical tissue, (Did he know this was going to happen?) and applied it to the wound, saying, “Trust me, I’m a proctologist.” How were we going to secure this wad of tissue to Cheddar Gorge? In a moment of divine inspiration, he got his sock off, faster than Salmanella Rushdie’s shorts can come down, and proceeded to infect the wound. Good work Colonic, you saved the leg!!!! With that, Colonic and Gangbang continued setting the Hash and Gobble Gobble and your scribe set off on the slow painful trek back to the nearest car, and eventually the casualty department of Algecieras Hospital.

Many apologies for the lack of information immediately prior to the run, but we didn’t arrive back at the run site, until the circle was being called. Much frivolity ensued and the pack set off, with the added challenge of finding Gobble Gobble’s kneecap. The run traversed some stunning scenery and a variety of terrains, plus all the usual checks, check backs, (back checks, Flakey) split trails etc. etc, which never cease to impress and delight we Hashers. In addition there were many species of animals to view, alive and otherwise.

From the beer stop, the pack could be seen milling around, looking for any sign of flour, which had survived the appetites of those various species of animal. On one or two occasions, it appeared that the pack might just stumble into the beer stop, but fortunately the mobile phone ensured that the correct trail was followed. With one exception!!!! Trailer Trash and Alison, who had no intention of following the flour trail, set off in search of a secluded place, at which they could indulge in the sin of “Sex on the Hash.” Imagine their surprise when, said secluded place, turned out to be hiding four Hares and a number of coolboxes. They shuffled off back to the pack muttering something about, just wanting to show Alison the carcases of dead cows!!!!

I have a good idea what carcase he wanted to show her. Some say it’s dead!!!!

The second half of the run was a fairly easy run in. With the hot weather and the problems incurred during the setting of the Hash, we had little opportunity to make it any longer. We would have liked to, but we know you all like short second halves anyway.

The circle was held, back at the campsite. Knockout, Two Pies, Hash Shit, GM, Neptune assembled the circle, and in his role as Hash Shit led the scoring. His vindictiveness and sheer desire to unload the holy bogseat onto some other poor unsuspecting pair of shoulders, was evident as he awarded this truly magnificent Hash, with a score of 2 out of 10. The pack however was more generous and sympathetic and awarded many eight’s nine’s six’s seven point five’s and so on. The run was eventually deemed to be worth eleven point nine, or something like that.

Our GM then handed the circle over to the Arch Dickin, Dipper, who proceeded to shower as many people as possible with warm beer. Gobble Gobble was re-christened as Hobble Gobble, self explanatory really. The birthday boy’s were called to account for their advanced ages. Dumb Arsed Ditch (Durch) Dummy and Kindergarten Cop were both presented with birthday cakes. Check out the photos!!!!!! I don’t think Dumb Arse liked his, because we never saw his HiFi again.

Eventually the circle closed and Hashers were hosed down and reclothed in more sartorially elegant threads and off we went to the campsite restaurant, for the On On On’s. Now the Valparaiso it wasn’t, but we are Hashers and we have been to On On On’s before, we have read the book and most of us even have the T shirt. So even if we don’t want to, we know what to expect. Cold food, slow service, crap wine, we all know what it’s like, so what do we do about it? Do we moan to the poor sod who organised it and string him up, for not being clairvoyant? I think not!!!!! In fact I would like to make a suggestion for the next time it happens, because it will, again and again and again. Next time, we should gather up all the crap food and wine, put the GM, who is ultimately responsible for everything, (Hash Commandments 1 & 2) in a set of stocks, and sling the lot at him. Or maybe not, as he is looking to get someone else to take the Hash Shit. In fact forget I wrote that. Sorry Two Pies.

After the restaurant, it was back to the campsite where more of the amber, red and white nectar was consumed with music from a variety of sources, until shortly after midnight, when the camp security arrived to advise us that, now it was officially Sunday, we should switch off the music and gradually the camp fragmented into smaller groups.

At the unofficial beer tent, which by now had a small blue flame glowing above it, there were a dozen or so hashers chewing the fat, and with the assistance of copious amounts of various types of alcohol, all the world’s ills were systematically put to rights. You will be pleased to know that Bush has resigned, taking Brown with him, global warming has been reversed and taxes have been abolished. All of a sudden, the tranquillity of the night, was shattered by an ear piercing scream, there was wailing, sobbing, threats of death to the perpetrators, not to mention personal vivisection of their private parts. What could have happened? Some evil fiend had stolen Speedbumps/Aureola’s teacup Yorkshire Terrorist. “He was locked to the end of his lead, it would be impossible for him to escape, he has been stolen, some evil person has deliberately taken my dog.” At this point I should mention that, during this weekend, the Mijas Hash was ably assisted by it’s legion of regular and occasional, unsung Hashers, including, Blue, Robbie, Larson, Dirty Bitch (Kiera? Quiera? Whatever,) Jack, Dances with woofs (Summer) Enya (Where was Patch?) Capo, Beethoven, Socks and of course Speedbumps’ little teacup Yorkie, who’s name escapes me, and it had been nicked, purloined, kidnapped!!!!!!!

Off they (Shaggy and Speedbumps) went to remonstrate with any or all of the people currently resident on or visiting, Camping Paloma. So we all had another drink and thought nothing more about it, until we were interrupted by, bands of vigilantes, supported by Units of the Guardia Civil, the local and national police forces and several members of the Inquisition, storming around the campsite with torches and AK47’s searching every tent, caravan or bungalow they could find. They found it!!!! Guess where? Yep, in Speedbumps tent, where Shaggy’s Dad had put it. You couldn’t make it up really, could you?

Sunday

Sunday started through a jaded mist, but once again a superb breakfast was on hand, to jumpstart us all into a hive of activity. Now the previous evening, during a moment of alcoholic inspiration, several non Hares decided that, “Sod all the preparation and reconnaissance that has gone on, we can’t have fella’s helping with or setting the traditionally Hariettes run.” So the male hares were told their services were no longer required and as Hobble Gobble was no longer capable of setting the run, new harriettes were appointed. Fortunately in the cold light of day they mostly forgot or didn’t get up in time. None the less, Shaggy stepped into the void left by Hobble Gobble. Colonic Irrigation however, fearful of being banished from setting the Hash he had put so much time and effort into, appeared in the camp dressed as Dame Edna Everage. Sorry, Edna’s much better looking than that. Anyway, seeing this bloke dressed up as a tart seemed to amuse many of our Spanish neighbours. Or maybe it was confuse. However, it had a rather enthusing effect on Flakey, as it spurred him into remembering that he had in fact brought an Americana outfit and he rushed off to his tent, to return a few minutes later in an Elvis suit. Elvis has now left the tent!!!! And his senses. Check out the pictures. All this terpsicor and muse, attracted Itchy and Scratchy’s new found friends, who couldn’t believe their eyes. Their schooling so far has not got as far “Hashers.”  They will understand soon, as soon as they lose their innocence.

Anyway, the Hash was set and eventually got underway. Shaggy, our replacement Harriette, elected to be a sweeper and got the whole pack completely lost. So everyone arrived at the beer stop from the wrong direction. The second half of this Hash was a gentle run through the dunes and along the beach, past the nudists, back to the campsite. So eventually, after stopping to swim and ogle, everyone did in fact arrive back.

Once back at camp, our trusty chefs and cooks began to prepare for the Paella. “When will we have the circle?” “When the Paella is under way.” With that Lilo Lil set fire to her arm and threw the Paella all over the floor!!!!! Never mind there was still too much to go around.

The circle was called, Shaggy’s Dad was christened, “Shaggadaddy,” Speedbumps was suitably chastised for her canine antics of the previous night, and warm beer was poured into as many Hashers as possible.

The remaining Paella was consumed and many tired campers headed Eastwards towards home.

I sincerely hope that anyone who I’ve picked on during this missive, has extremely broad shoulders, as I do not look forward to that much retribution.

On On,

Fender Bender.

 Most glaring error of the weekend. Dipper, having the T shirts printed with Hashes on Saturday 5th. and Sunday 7th. July.  Dipper, as

as just the jar of Alka Seltzer, he thought, or wished he could see.ka Seltzer in his hand. All of which svaal, Thabo Mbeki and Arch Dickin, I know you are a religious man, but I think Pope Gregory outranks you.