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RUN REPORTS 2009
ANNIVERSARIOS: only one sad bastard, Knockout Two Pies 180After many days of torrential rain, we awoke to a magical cloud break and 34 stalwarks mainly dressed in festive red arrived to clear blue skies and T shirt temperatures.Visions of the Kilamanjaro foothills beckoned - long grasses, rolling hills, gullies with running baranco's set to a backdrop of stunning mountains. Were we practicing for the next African Interhash in Kenya? You would not believe we were only two miles from downtown Fuengirola!We were promised a buffet of all you could eat for just 5 euros and not a single hand went up to refuse the offer! All Hashers were in great spirit and we were set for a perfect run.Up and down we went, through the mud and prickles, the markings were excellent and the sure footed with a good leap managed to stay dry, others simply ran through the fast running water. A familiar beer stop beckoned and hot glu-wine and cakes were served - more points in the bag. The in run was more of the same.The circle was formed and the marks were in. Yes the best had been saved to the last run of the year - an average of 9.7 had been recorded, a near perfect run indeed.Gangplank was brought into the circle to represent all Hash skinflints who don't refuse a steal but think twice when a meal with wine costs 10 euros.WWWW given the award for best dressed Christmas Hasher.ON ON to a superb buffet with food from every Continent. This was eagerly consumed by the ravenous pack. Karioke produced some of the worst vocal chords imaginable but the DJ compensated with great dance music which got the party going.A great time was had by all - thanks Pussy Galore!ON ONMUMMY'S BOY
RUN NO: 1122-
Coin Sports ground
Date: December 20th
Hares: Streaky & Not coming again Marks: 9.5
The Army Assault Course Run
The hares had kitted themselves in Hash Army Gear and as usual looked gorgeous. The day was dull and cool, but as we set out through the pines the exercise soon warmed us up. The first half in truth was rather boring, simply following the large tracks making a large anticlockwise circle to return to the start point for the beer stop. There were cakes at the Beer Stop along with gluwine! The second half was however totally inspired. The Hash were divided into 5 teams. These rotated around metal exercise frames scattered around the nearby campo, in a race to return to the start point.
Highly original! ….Enjoyed by all! And this was reflected in the exceptionally high mark of 9.5
After the Run Gangplank first of all lit a fire and then prepared gluwine (yes even more gluwine) with the ingredients that he had brought along especially for the occasion.
Mummies Boy got the circle started, to be followed by a surprise appearance by “StiffFlakey” (Stiffany in Flakey’s GM Darthvader robe.) Memorably she subjected Oxfam to the delights of women doing leg bends and press-ups over his person!
Thereafter Colonic excelled himself, even by his own high standards, and a great time was had by all …..as usual!
A good quality On On, in terms of price quality and quantity, followed at the Venta las Morenos
RUN NO: 1121-
Date: December 13th
Hares: The Wally´s Marks: 8.75
What a way to spend a Wednesday evening after moving into my new apartment and buying everything from a coffee maker, toaster etc, I have to thank Swiss Roll for not having to buy a new Duvet! How bizarre was that travelling back from Monda Sunday evening she had one in the back of her car unsold at a local car boot sale. I wont forget that first night in my La Cala Penthouse with the wind rushing around my ankles but snug as a Bear in his cave under my new Swiss bedding. I was too hot as I staggered into bed wearing my new 20-year XXXXL tee shirt kindly reserved for me by Gorby along with a pair of XXXL special Hash sleeping trousers. What a way to return to the Mijas Hash, to awake covered in oversized haberdash under a thermal mountain of Swiss Tog. (I will pay you this week)
And what a run 1121 was, the Wally’s pulling another challenging but interesting ramble through the campo, even the sound of gunshots added to the excitement of scrambling up hill and down dale.
The circle hosted by Flaky in a badly fitting monks habit had most of the motley crew given a Down down for one thing or another, myself included along with the unflappable Hobble Gobble who bless her was so mortified that I had shit myself at the Hash Xmas do at my amateurish attempt to fill the shoes of the full Monty strip Just keeping my hat on. (And a pair of skimpy skid marked shreddies) Onion gravy and a Xmas chocolate bar providing the rear end props with two castanets propping up my embarrassment in the front! Fender Bender used to her off the wall comments just looked bermused as she tried to comfort me for my stage fright missdermina, but then she would wouldn’t she! A classic piece of Gobbledegook.
Sir Sparky TOB 320 runs
Swiss (I have a nice Duvet) Roll 215
Willy warmer 165
And X2mie Chameleon 250 (Dipper you should buy a new pen)
A lot of effort and a worthy score of 8.75.
The on on was brilliant, the food in tapas form was varied and plentiful. Enough spare to even start a bun fight between Mummies Boy and Gangplank. Shame my wandering 20-euro note disappeared after a few trips around the table and down Golden Cascades jumper. Just made me try and drink the equivalent in Red wine.
It’s nice to be back
Yogi the scribe
RUN NO: 1120-
No photos, no report!!!!!
Date: December 6th
HARES: HMV & 5-mil
RUN NO: 1119-
Cerros del Aguila
Date: November 29th
It literally chucked it down all morning and the omens for the hash run 1119 were not good. Still, Two Pies is a seasoned hasher and generally produces a good trail except when he does not. He got no sympathy for laying the trail in the midst of the downpour. Just in time the weather turned fair but windy especially atop the hill we were setting off from. The warm weather hashers were not there of course, leaving only the stalwarts among whom was one Stan the Man, who last hashed in Mijas in 1990! The trail was surprisingly unshiggy like and the first half was not bad at all with good variety of terrain although ominously mostly downhill. The beer stop at the halfway point was on the Fuengirola-Coin road by the river much to the surprise of this geographically challenged scribe. The second half was less inspired taking us along the river bed then up though an urbanisation and was of course mostly uphill. This was a runners’ run and the gap between the front runners and last in was probably a good 10 minutes. For the circle the rain reappeared and the wind blew stronger still. Hashers are not put off by such phenomena and soldiered on making sure all hash protocols were followed to the letter. The main problem caused by the rain was the dilution of the beer. The price of haberdashery, particularly of the waterproof variety, soared as the weather worsened but there were no takers among the macho Hashers present. The GM conducted his business apart from scoring the run which he had to be reminded to do – and paid the penalty for forgetting. The GM adjudged the score as good 8. As the rain and the wind reached new heights hashers huddled under the few umbrellas available leading to suggestions of yet more sex on the hash. Up yer bum looked particularly fetching in her little red riding hood outfit. Swiss Roll stood her ground and dispensed the amber fluid. The RA dished out customary down downs for real and imagined transgressions. Your scribe was given some damp notes on the specifics but so damp was it that turned to mush and was illegible. Memory also proved fallible as your scribe was on the receiving end of several down downs himself. The no hats in the circle tradition resulted exposed many balding pates. Then it was off to Ringos for the 10 or so who signed up - to dry out or not as the case may be. Your scribe could not partake so the record will have to remain silent on what transpired or not as the case may be!
RUN NO: 1118-
Rio Grande - Casa Gangplank
HARES: Gangplank & Kindergarden Kop
RUN NO: 1117- Below Mijas
Lucky us, 2 run reports this week!!!!!
I´m not quite sure how I managed to get roped into doing the scribe for this weeks run, must have been plied with too much alcohol again.
As we had to be at the run site at the ungodly hour of 12.0 sharp, we missed our usual Sunday morning bedroom extravaganza. Minus 5 marks to start.
Anyway, we finally picked up the signs by Aloha College and made it with two minutes to spare.
A minutes silence was observed in memory of those lost in the two great wars and private prayers made for those still out there fighting for King and Country.
The Hares, described, with great enthusiasm, the markings they had made and explained there where two beer stops, (always a good sign, plus 5 marks) the regulation photo taken and off we went.
A check and then a split trail, that did exactly that with half the pack going one way and the rest been taken astray by Mummys Boy on the SCB easy route.
Unfortunately for me, I had two 12 year olds who had already taken the proper trail, and so felt it my duty as responsible parent to follow them. Never again!
After a long hill climb we reached the top of a very slippery hill. ( this is where RK Had a fall), obviously not wanting us to miss the experience ourselves we all had to do the same, and we did. Bruised bums all round. This was followed by an even worse hill of death back up. Fortunately the first beer stop was in site with all the SCB waiting for us to join them.
Great trail after that following the lake, great views all round to the second beer stop with all things red to eat and drink. I thought Flakey was going to have a fit. It was an Everton match day.
A short run back down more slippery slopes, through a tunnel, past some great artwork, and back to the lake for the dogs to have a quick swim before heading on in.
We had two christenings, Sandra The owner of Ogilvy and Mailer became Gobble me and Nail her, so that will be have to be shortened. Otherwise I will never fit it on a key ring, and Hobble will have to spend two hours doing the Christmas decoration!.
And then we had Ann and her pal, who was having a massage or something in the car so was indisposed. Up yer Bum took her place for the christening. they where named Nip, and Tuck. Now that is better, it will fit onto a key ring!
Some Anniversarios, I know Stiffita had 120 runs and I think Hobble Gobble and Fender Bender about the same, sorry I cannot remember the rest. Various sins had been committed and punishment duly given out and accepted.
On On to the On On On at Ogilvy and Mailer which was superb, I hope we are all allowed back. Thank you hares for such a treat.
Your scribe Stiffanny
We were expecting a smaller turnout as 12 of our rich bastard hashers had set off on a 5-day cruise to Tenerife earlier on in the day, hope they all get sea-sick with a good dose of legionaires disease. Actually over 20 turned out on a fabulously sunny day including a virgin supplied by Mindy. Didn´t take Kindergarten long to sniff around hoping for a miracle.
And what a run it turned out to be. Two beer stops is always a good sign, lots of hidden trails, enough false trails & lack of marking keeping the pack together. The hares obviously didn´t know what a golf course was so the sight of hashers running down the fairways shouting ON_ON to the bemusement of the golfing fraternity trying to get that elusive hole-in-one. Just as well the stewards weren´t around to kick us off! The hares must have used the trees of half of Epping forest to supply the shredded paper, hope they´ll go back to clear it up.
Colonic led a great circle managing to get all the Ruskies pissed (One Russian drinks, all Russians drink). He says it´s the only way he can get his leg over later on! Jonny almost got christened Numb-nuts or Betty Swallox or Sleasy rider but vote was uncertain so next time....
Scribe Dogs (I´ve got better things to do than write this shit) Bollox
Facebook note from Shaggi
and to top it off the wine was more than palatable the ON ON meal was excellent, even the non curry .... curry lover Nipper was happy. some Vigilante in the restaraunt tried to start a fight with HMV accusing him of being responsible for us all having too good a time (i thought there was going to be a curry fight)....
Fabi, and I were toasted with 'possibly the best hash of the year so far'
So back to reccying now for Part 2!
Run no: 1112 Ojen woods
Hares: Gangbang & Marshy Pees Marks: 9/10
We had a couple of virgins from Gaymolinos and Fender Bender showed our Virgin Ben how to use the sleeve, Ben then gave us a demo of how to gargle while singing a Michael Buble number, Feeling good. what a nice boy, he sang well too.!! The judging panel were looking a bit confused and awarded the boy a beer.
Run no: 1111 Oktoberfest and Stiffanny's birthday in the HILLS of Elviria
Hares: Stiffanny and Flakey
Swiss Roll 205, Gobbichov 230, Radio Kaka 5, Fender Bender 115, Hobble Gobble 115, Stitched Up 85
It was a very hot day, just the kind of weather for climbing up and down the countryside (not!) The general consensus was that there was far too much of the dangerous downhill’s with Spermaid and Verve Clito not particularly happy.
Apparently the hares had purposely only brought beer for the BS as it was Oktoberfest. But there was water for the circle, so they were forgiven. Although I didn't see one person drinking any water during the circle?!
Nice touch with the sausages at the BS, plenty of room for sausages/penis jokes. (Thanks Dipper and Colonic)
Colonic made poor Stiffanny a big birthday cake...on her head; with plenty of flour, eggs, sour milk, chocolate powder, 2 cans of beer and lots of sticky honey (nice) When she stood up it looked like she'd made a mess in the potty but luckily Blue was there to lick it up.
Most people made a real effort with the costumes; many having bought things especially...Luckily Stiffanny was there to wear Gang Bang's pretty new dress! There were spare wigs for people who hadn't brought costumes. Eggshell blonde looked genuinely happy having hair for the first time in years, whilst Dipper effortlessly looked like a cross between someone from Spinal Tap and one of the Hairy Bikers!
Shitler was on top form (god I hope there were no Germans living in the apartments near where we had the circle!) He came up with German names for us all, then made us say them back to him followed by "Sheise Shitler" but most people couldn't manage it (including myself) The longest name went to Karma Chameleon who looked like he was on a gay package holiday in Torremolinos, putting Borat to shame.
Julian and his gorgeous son Noah came all the way from France (well, sort of) and did very well with all the frog's legs jokes. We later found out that he used to make designer underwear...Julian not Noah obviously. Eggshell blonde poured him a glass of white at the on on as we'd run out of red, but the ungrateful so and so knocked it over. I think Golden Cascade enjoyed translating all of Egg Shell Blonde's jokes into her best French. Well I say French; it was really just English with a slight French accent. Bless her.
The food at the on on didn't go down particularly well (understatement of the year, but didn't want to be rude!) I think most people had been served their main course by about 10pm, as they pretty much brought one plate out at a time. I’m sure Kindergarten Cop was still on his starter whilst Shagadelic on the other table was on her main. Someone spied the chef smoking and wiping his nose on the back of his hand...nice!
The night ended well with a little massage from Dipper (for a select few anyway!)
Now looking forward to run 1112 which I believe is flat and in the shade. Sounds perfect!
Radio Kaka xxx
RUN NO 1110 - Pueblo Tranquilo
Hares: Dogsy & Mary Hinge - Marks 8.5/10
RUN NO 1108/9 -
Hares:Mummy´s Boy, Lilo, Streaky, Dipper, Golden Cascade.
Well, what a day to celebrate 20 years of Hashing, fantastic!
We all met at the Confort Hotel and took the 1 and a bit hour trek to Istan. The Circle was called at 12 ish and we set off down the hill and through some pretty countryside.
Up and down like a whores drawers, it went.
At 1 point we lost the trail due to some hungry goats but yours truly got ordered by our wonderful GM to go and check out a cliff top and myself and Tone the Bone got straight on it ( the trail, I mean). This then lead us up and down some very steep hills and on to the BS.
There were two trails from the BS. The runners and the sensible people’s choice. I, of course took the latter!
We all ended up at the B point some two hours after the off and started to take some refreshment.
The circle was called and the run scored a 7.9.
Golden Cascade 235 Mummy's boy 250 Put it in 55 Verve Clito 45 HMV 95
Then some Idiot let the RA into the circle to punish everyone.
What a fantastic job that Twat did too!
Then back we went to that place opposite the Val Pariso in Mijas, you know, fingy majig. Lovely food shit music.
After all that we all went on the lash at various places and I can’t remember anything after that, Sorry.
First of all Well done you hares, great Run
Secondly, Thanks to all you visitors for coming well, except Hanky Wanky anyway! ;)
Seriously, I really enjoyed this day, great Run with some great people, well, except Hanky Wanky anyway! ;)
ON ON ( see ya in Madrid soon you lot)
Click for Madrid´s Weekend Information
RUN NO 1107 - Alhaurin El Grande Hare - Mindy
I give the journey to the run site, a 9.9 The Coin Road is now a superb off road racing track. Flakey made the mistake of letting me use his jeep whilst he went off to watch Everton lose, so I made best use of the opportunity, and I only managed to lose one wing mirror along the way.
Anyway just for a change, I was late, so late that the pack had already set of in hot pursuit of cold beers. By the time Stiffita had got out of the car, changed out of her jodhpurs, complained that her running shoes where too small and insisted on wearing mine, leaving me with a pair of flip flops to do the run in, I thought we would never catch up. But we did. With hash dog Blue showing us the way within five minutes we had found everybody.
The whole pack was wandering about aimlessly trying to find the flour. Hopelessly lost with no flour in sight, the brave decision was made to just keep going. A quick phone call to the hare revealed the general direction, and sure enough we did eventually find some of the white stuff. Either sabotage had taken place or the goats had eaten it.
The run then took us through the local cess pit, and after a bit of very careful negotiation, especially for those of us in Flip Flops we ended up in a river bed. From there, it was up, up, up, up, up and then finally a bit of down to a check. At which point Spermaid and I made the remarkably stupid decision, for two well seasoned hashers to make, which is to ignore the correct trail that went up, and keep on the nice flat road, certain the trail would meet up. It did, but unfortunately for us and the other 13 hashers stupid enough to follow us, the bit in the middle had the beer stop in it.
After much swearing at the hare for making the run too long to the beer stop, we realised we had actually missed it, when we finally climbed up the last hill and found ourselves first home at the cars.
Eventually everyone turned up, from all directions, about three hours after setting out, so it was a long run, I did enjoy it although it was tough with no beer stop, but we soon made up for the lack of the amber nectar on the run.
I didn’t have time to stop for the circle as Stiffita had to go to bed early, school and all that. But apparently the run was finally marked at a good average 6.5 with a couple of undeserved hash shits thrown in.
The On On On was back at casa Mindy and S&M it was apparently very good with loads of food and plenty of vino.
Your scribe Stiffanny
RUN NO 1106 - Back to Skool run - San Pedro
Hares - mummy´s Boy, Verve Clitot
This first Sunday Run took us along the beach from San Pedro into Puerto Banus. At this point several ladies complained that they were a little embarrassed wearing school girl uniform on the Puerto front. The trail then took us up through Nueva Andalucia to a car park at the back of the bull ring for the Tuck shop beer stop. Then it was back along the streets on the opposite side of the A7 to return to the start point.
Then Headmaster Colonic … in costume that was part Benny Hill and part 10 Rillington Place, took the register and administered the most corporal of punishments to us all.
The single aniversario was Swill Roll who had achieved her 200th Run the previous week.
HARE Swiss Roll
RUN NO 1105 Club la Costa – Aug 31st
RUN NO 1104 Club la Costa – Aug 24th
RUN NO 1103 El Higueron – Aug 17th
HARES The Dippers
RUN NO 1102 CERROS DE AGUILA – Aug 10th
HARES LILO LIL & UP YER BUM
Dedicated to Lilo Lil and her travelling library
Monday 10th August 2009 dawned hot, very hot; in fact, very hot indeed. Awfully damn hot. So hot, in fact, that after an exhausting morning’s work recce-ing next week’s run at short notice, a wee siesta was in order. Gobbichov (not party to this recce) swore on the Tsar’s miniature Fabergé egg nestled between her breasts (now down Anthony’s Pawnbrokers, going for a song – the egg, not the breasts, please be sensible) now where was I? yes, Gobbi promised me faithfully that she would wake me in good time for the run. I believed her for once, and the rest, to coin a metaphiché, c’est l’histoire, mes braves. Je vous presentes, your Scribe, Dipper.
Oh yes, the run. Up by the old ruin at the top of CdeA. You know, this spot for me always brings to mind Sir Roy Rogers, who set many a happy run hereabouts. I well recall a particular time one Spring, must have been , oh fifteen or sixteen years ago, the wild irises were in bloom on these same slopes, and back in the circle all our plimmies were stained blue from their crushed fragrance. How we laughed! Ah, happy times, long gone now of course….
It would not be unfair to say that the run the subject of this epistle perhaps lacked the lyrical qualities associated with that earlier run, but then that was a more innocent era, when men were men and the fairer sex, glad of it. But one should not think ill of the ladyboys all too often seen hashing nowadays. After all, the growth hormones they feed to our livestock, and our genetically modified foodstuffs, are clearly having a deleterious effect on the sperm counts of the younger generation. Just as well a few real red-blooded older males are still around to cater for the discerning wench, eh, what?
Good heavens, is that the time? Must be off to bed now, duty calls. Oh yes, the run. Good first half, crap second half, 8 marks approx. Your (Aging) DIPPER
Run: 1101 August 2nd
Hares: Hobble Gobble & Fender Bender
Location: Alhaurin Golf
Pictures here: http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/daffadildo/GobbleFenderHash?authkey=Gv1sRgCP3l9Jar58LzwwE#
About 20 odd Hashers turned out last Sunday, yes Sunday all you knobs that thought it was on Monday!
The gezzer who sort of organizes the hare Line, who's name escapes me now, gallantly stepped in as he couldn't get any one to do it! As he is currently working on Mondays ripping off, sorry, helping clients dispose of their Time shares.
The run started when the GM finally turned up and we all set off on what can only be described as a well set shortish one.
The beer stop was great and then a short trot in. I went the wrong way and got back 3rd!!!!
The run scored 8.5ish.
After the GM had chastised a lot of people, mostly me, the RA did the same and chastised everyone once and me numerous times!
The ON ON ON was superb with Hobble cooking enough food to feed a small African country for a year!
Well done you Hares, we need doers like you in our movement!
Colon Boy :)
Run: 1100 July 26th
Hares: Big Mac & Mini Mac
17 or so dedicated hashers turned up for this run in what only is described as a “kin ot one”. Big Mac, the so called hare of the day decided to move all of our cars down the hill to where a massive generator was spilling out more heat!
Anyway, we all set off and met with checks and False trails on very sparse flower dabs. Well, more like salt sprinkles really. The hare had to send his son Mini Mac with us to sweep: good job otherwise we would still be out there!
The Beer stop was nicely positioned right in the sun and we were rewarded with unclean cool boxes and short cake biscuits.
I went back in BM´s car so that I could lecture him on his mistakes.
The circle then took place with an awarded mark of 7 for the run (Bollocks) I gave it 5.
Aniversarios WW 165
Visitors. Virgin Captain from Miami. Jessica, BM´s niece (nice)
BM was chastised by our Harry Potter loving GM for taking his keys last week and making him and Gobby walk 11k home.
Then our wonderful Arch Dick 1 entered the circle and cleansed everyone for a load of trumped up lies which turned out to be true, I think!
BM for being a twat, forgetting plastic cups, using flour like a well known class A drug, making a check out of 3 ton of shredded paper and being a twat again.
Gang Bang for 32 on her shorts, showing off her IQ.
Maggie for hiding her hash name (Miss Pink)
I was too pissed by then to remember more….
Oh the ON ON was great with 3 courses for 12 Euros, very nice.
All in all a good job BM. Well done.
Run 1099 Report
Date: Monday 20th July 2009.
Hares. Colonic and Gang Bang.
Location. Just off the A 368 near Buena Vista.
The usual suspects gathered for a 18.00 hrs prompt start, and got away at 18.16 not so promtish.
There was a very good turn out considering these hot summer days when people winge about heat, we actually had a lot of returnees.
Dipper just back from his long summer vacation called the circle and the hares (Clonic) proceeded to advise the hounds what to look for in way of trail markings, this would have had even the most educated Egyptian historian cringing at the hieroglyphic markings!!!
As mentioned Dipper has just returned from extended summer holiday and was on the “rusty” side of things, in his wisdom he allocated me a “Hash scribe” as I was on the phone when the circle was called ~~~ Fair cop!
Now we come to a slight problem as I was a little under the weather and in possession of a hand full of sick notes, I was not actually doing the run !!!!!
For what happened on the run you will have to use you imagination. Just to help you a little they set off DOWN the hill.
I did make it to the beer stop and it was a splendid affair, with Cava, chocolate cake, cookies, crisps, beer softies and other assorted goodies.
Everybody appeared sweaty so can only assume they were having lots of fun!! To assist you in your visual imaginary tour of the run they then set off UP the hill !!
You will be pleased to know they all made it back from the run and no fatalities.
The circle was called by Rusty Dipper and the Hares called in for the run marks to be handed out, it would appear that the sun had got to most of them as they thought it was an outstanding run and a 9/10 was bestowed on them, well done.
I did my RA,ing under medical supervision and duly cleansed the flock where humanly possible, Steve the new hasher after now completing 5 runs was awarded a the name of “Shitty Kitty” because some kitty had tweaked his balls just at the point of orgasm with his wife (well he said his wife).
The ON ON at apartment of GB & Clonic lived up to its gastronomic write up on the web page, Clonic had managed to change the Lidls vino brand labels with some other more palatable label and I am still trying to figure out what I had for “Main course” Great starter and pudding though!
Well done Gang Bang & Clonic a most enjoyable run and evening.
Just so there is a little humour in this crap please find below a wee joke:
A blonde drops off
a shirt at the cleaners..
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".
The Blonde says........ "No, it's actually toothpaste this time you nosy bitch"
Run: 1098 - July 12th
Hares: Willy Wanker & Willy Wanker’s Willy Warmer
Location: Casa Wanker
There’s something not right here…. I was one of the first to arrive! But stand-in GM Fender Bender deemed Flakey to be the last, and accused me of being his ‘look alike’????
The virgins and visitors introduced to the pack, we set off downhill – the only to go from Casa Wanker! After several ups and downs, and 30 minutes of running, I arrived at the beer stop, at exactly the same moment as the beer wagon – WWWW was late because she had pranged some Spaniard on the way down. Itchy and Scratch had ran on through, in the wrong direction, and had to be called back; meanwhile Gardner was standing on the BS sign, refusing to believe that the beer was actually 50 yards round the corner. Everybody enjoyed cool beer, softies and water (yes, water, Flakey!) and WWWW produced an unfeasibly large water melon – shame she’d forgotten the knife.
From here it became a little confusing as the ‘in’ trail ended up the same as the ‘out’ trail, climbing back up the same hill to Casa Wanker. But after a nine cool dip in the pool, nobody really cared! The run was scored as a respectable 8.2. Down Downs were awarded as follows:
By the GM
When tested, she remembered Colonic’s name
For blowing the f…ing horn every 5 seconds
Itchy & Scratchy
Matthew & Emily
By the RA
Advertising the run as 1096 (me thinks Dogsy to blame)
Fender Bender & Hobble Gobble
Turning down a £700 dinner at Don Carlos in favour of a cheapo Berni, and HG spending hours telling Indian host how to make barji
Thinking Colonic’s new shaving mirror was a mirror for blind people – but how would they see their reflection?
Put on ice for being a member of the Michael Jackson Fac Club
Visitor from Spa H3, UK
For displaying Linford Christie’s packed lunch
For arranging to meet some tart for a date, but being 500 miles in the wrong place – something about the Proclaimers!
Shaggadelic & Shaggadaddy
Fighting with tenants and neighbours. And it was at this point that Shaggy’s evil hound, Jack, peed on the scribe’s belongings
Named Analflot (as he’s a trolley dolly)
By the GM
Sleeved for giving away the horn and telling Robert to blow it often
The circle was closed and the pack enjoyed BBQ and drinks round the pool. A very enjoyable evening was had by all, and big thanks to WW, WWWW, and family for their effort. It’s a pity that more hashers couldn’t be bothered to make the trip, and shame on those who had said they’d be there and failed to show – you know who you are!!
RUN NO: 1097
HARE: Stiffanney and Flakey
DATE: 6th July, 2009
Scribe: Dogsy. Who said Monday nights were unpopular? 37 hashers including a few virgins turned up for what promised to be a great start to the Summer Monday night season. Great location on the beach we were promised a "shortish run". Ten minutes into the run 10 of us were stopped by an irate Spaniard telling us we were running thru private land so get orf. Streak of piss in his best spanish managed to placate him so off we went again. Lots of virgin territory and very well marked. Beer stop was near the end followed by a walk in along the beach to Beer stop number 2. We were meant to swim here before having a drink and tapa in a chiringito but only about 4 hardy hashers managed it. There was a Guest appearance by Michael Jackson as the RA followed by a BBQ until the small hours. Stiffanny enthusiastically used her car lights to light up proceedings. She´s probably still there on the beach as she had selfishly drained her battery in the cause of her barby whilst everyone else did a runner.
O, and I almost forgot to mention, Points: a magnificent 9/10. Well done hares.
RUN NO: 1097
HARE: Kindergarten Kop
DATE: 28th June, 2009
RUN NO: 1094 & 1095
HARES: Saturday: Golden,Karma,Mummy´s. Sunday: Hares Fender Bender & Colonic.
DATE: 19th-21st June, 2009
Just outside Jimera De Libar, on the road to Cortes de la Frontera.
The Solstice Run.
Whoopee, campout weekend again. A full twelve months since Tarifa and another opportunity for two days of inebriation and ribaldry, terpsichore and muse, all under the stars and canvas or wood or plastic, or a Holiday Inn sign. Of course, we shouldn’t forget the reason we are really here, all this frivolity must be interrupted for a couple of brief sojourns into the campo, for a quick jog/walk/limp of about a half mile, just to clear your fuzzy head and sharpen your appetite. That is the idea, isn’t it? Well, let me tell you what happened. If I get any of this wrong, cause I’ve had a couple of snitches, then I claim the journalistic right to poetic license.
I/we arrived at the campsite at midday Friday. That Colonic twat and Gangbang were already there, as were Tony and Stephanie (Itchyfanny and Scratchyfanny) in their bakelite gin palace. We were advised that the principle organisers, (we will refer to them as hares) had left the camp at about 0500hrs, equipped with two Land Rovers, a Helicopter, two ladders, an ambulance and a Breeches Buoy, to set the Hash. Perhaps the warning lights should have started flashing at this point. Anyway, having had the forethought of chucking a twelve pack in a cool box, we settled down in anticipation of the joyous entertainment ahead. Gradually others arrived, should have made it a twenty four pack. So we all set off in search of campout beer. What did we find? As Colonic would say in his fluent (or is that effluent) Spanish, “El Nitto,” Nada, Nowt. No beer, no softies, no water, no crisps, nothing. When the hares eventually turned up, after spending more than seven hours, laying the trail, we were told that, they had only brought “ run” beer, softies and water, and that the supplies for the weekend were not their responsibility!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It later transpired, that the principle organisers (isn’t that a strange word, “organiser”) were speaking completely different languages and none of them had a clue about what the others were doing saying or thinking. Eventually, sanity was restored and supplies were acquired. Excuse me for being naive, but haven’t we done this campout type thingy before?
The programme of events indicated that, “snacks” would be provided, on Friday evening. However, the veritable cornucopia of goodies provided, was superb. I do like smoked salmon, not to mention steak sandwiches and all those poor misguided souls who, anticipating crisps and peanuts, legged it down to Jelly Belly’s, cheers guys, more for us. Thanks also to Itchyfanny, for the provision of several gallons of Sharps Doom Bar real ale, which he personally carried all the way from Cornwall. The rest of the evening was, gay abandon, music, dancing and slightly blurred, due to the Doom Bar. Here endeth the first day of campout. Well, not quite, Hobble Gobble and yours truly, retired to pavilion number 8, otherwise known as shed 8, for a nightcap, accompanied by Colon boy and Gangbang. A short while later, Jerrycan, sort of stumbled on to our terrace. He seemed to be having a multi lingual altercation. He was trying to find a language he could communicate in. With that we all retired to the land of nod, only to be disturbed by Colonic calling out, “Jerry, you don’t live here!!!!!!” This was followed a short time later, by a high pitched squeal and a dull thud. The night then returned to the gentle tranquillity of bullfrogs calling, crickets chirping and Two Pies snoring.
Saturday started with a throbbing head. Breakfast was served and a relaxed time was had by most. We swam in the pool and lazed around and watched as Speedbump’s Yorkshire Terrorist, Patchy, you know, the one that was kidnapped at last years campout in Tarifa. Shaggadaddy did it. Anyway it was trying to kill the campsite owners dog, by getting wedged in it’s throat. Now Speedbumps, being a tad upset at the impending demise of her pet, had it on her heels round to the office, to remonstrate with the campsite owner, regarding the nature of his dog’s desire to eat her dog. Basically, according to what I have heard, she called him a pig, he told her to piss off and pointed to the campsite exit. Shortly afterwards the circle was called and Mummy’s Boy introduced the run. The worst thing about this scribing thing, is not being able to trust your memory, because I could have sworn that he was a hare, and you’re not allowed to be GM if you are a hare. Are you? I would have thought that the Grand Mattress, being present, should have called the circle. Still, there was a rumour going round, that we might have something more to worry about than, who was the GM, who incidentally seemed to have great difficulty, with his fellow hares names, at a cost of about three beers to himself. He did however, redeem himself, by getting Willy Wanker and his Warmer, for wearing new shoes and Jerrycan for sporting a new bruise.
The pack set off. Out of the campsite gates and along the road towards Jimera de Libar, complete with a grinning lunatic called, dafodildo, skipping along, under a parasol. Boy was he going to learn. After about five minutes, we came to a beerstop, at Jelly Belly’s. I thought this was terrific, a quick shortcut on the way back and this was looking like a 9.9 to me. However, my disappointment was only exceeded by my premonition of impending doom as the hares handed out train tickets and pointed to the adjacent railway platform. With my shallow train (sorry for the pun) of thought, it struck me that the only reason for putting us on a train, was to prevent us doing an about turn and saying, sod this for a game of soldiers, when we discovered how gargantuan this ball breaker was going to be. However, there was another consideration. About a quarter of us were extremely hirsute and walking on all fours, and a further 12 or so were dogs. As you all know, dogs in Spain stay mainly off the train. I think you’ve got it. No problem. About turn. Back to the campsite, crack a tinney, give them 7.5, no problem. Unfortunately, the chappy in the pretty red hat, with the whistle and flag, took one look at the assembled bunch of sweaty, scruffy hashers and their dogs and decided to say nothing. Never let it be said, that Mummy’s boy would allow bribery and corruption, to get in the way of setting a ball breaker. So on we got, with sinking hearts. Now the ticket collector, hadn’t been nobbled by Mummy’s Boy. After checking all of our tickets, which were valid to the next station only, he proceeded to tell each and every one of us dog owners, that we must eject our evil demonic creatures, from his train, at the first opportunity. There was about as much point in saying that, as there was in setting this hash.
We arrived somewhere, sorry I forgot to look at the sign, and we found some spilt flour. On on. We walked along a dusty cart track, saying, “Look at all these pretty houses.” Until there were no pretty houses, or any houses. After an eternity, we found an arrow, pointing up a hill, which looked like a very long hill. It was. It went up and up and up, ad infinitum. It seemed to go on for ever. The temperature was in the low 40’s and everyone was gasping for breath. Dafodildo, was very colourful in his description of what he would like to do to the hares. I think some of the things would not have been possible, but then again he is big. Anyway, about half way up, he threw the towel in and headed back to the station, to thumb a lift from a passing train, the next one of which was due at 09.00hrs on Monday. Not stupid those hares eh? Actually, I now think that is far from the truth. Anyway Dafodildo headed back to the station, where he descended into dehydration and heat exhaustion and eventually had to be rushed to hospital and put on a glucose drip, or something like that. Still it wouldn’t be campout if someone didn’t end up in Hospital. Anyway, onwards and upwards and after what seemed like about three miles of ascent, we eventually arrived at a tarmac road. If you looked to the right, there was a mirage, or was it a beer stop? Yes, about three hundred meters along the road was the second beer stop. On arrival at the beer stop, with burning lungs, there was just enough time for a quick Cruzcampo and a fag, before the hares announced that, the path on the other side of the road, which headed up into the mountain, was the on on trail and the third beer stop was approximately two hours along that path. Why? This wasn’t a ball breaker. This was an attempt to murder a hasher. The average age of our hashers has to be well on the wrong side of fifty. It was blisteringly hot. We were on a campout weekend. You know, fun and all that. My admiration for those hashers who decided to attempt (and in many cases attempt, was the correct word) the trail is unlimited. For me though, the desire not to kill my dog, exceeded my enthusiasm for this pointless exercise in hurting people and I elected to take the easy route, which was eight kilometres down the tarmac road. Before setting off though, some of the rearguard, were spotted getting to the road at the top of the incredibly long hill. As they reached the road they collapsed, unable to make the additional three hundred meters to the beer stop. Karma Chameleon was immediately despatched, to take water to them. As I passed them, Karma, who I thought would be giving them, positive encouragement, was just at the point of telling them about how his airconditioning was too cold and that they could only have one bottle of water each, as there wasn’t enough. Where have I heard that before? Then he said you can’t have water for the dogs!!!!!!! Isn’t there something in the hash commandments about hares organising a run? But then again, that funny word organise has turned up again. Anyway, it was just as well that, at that point in time, they were incapable of speech, due to exhaustion, because, if the look in their eyes was anything to go by, the bottles of water were going somewhere he would prefer they didn’t. Strange though, all that money for a Mercedes, and you can’t adjust the airconditioning. The analogy that springs to mind, includes a one legged man and an arse kicking party.
From this point onwards, I have to apologise to all those intrepid hashers who were foolhardy enough to head off towards the “third beer stop” (more about that later) but having chosen to take the eight kilometre hike back down the tarmac, I did not see the purgatory they endured.
I eventually arrived back at the campsite, about an hour and a half later, complete with semi dead dog, with burnt feet. On arrival at said campsite, I encountered numerous other hashers, trying to regain their composure and discussing in great detail, the ignominy and torture, they had in mind for the hares. After a short while, Mummy’s Boy returned to the camp seeking the loan of a 4 wheel drive vehicle. Apparently, he had been unable to reach and set, the third beer stop. Now, excuse me for being, of a suspicious nature, but we had previously seen Mummy’s Boy, some three hours earlier, at Jelly Belly’s. He was not at the second beer stop, so did it take him three hours in Veuve Clitot’s car, to discover that they could not reach the third beer stop?????? In addition to that, if the hares did not have sufficient knowledge about the whereabouts or terrain, of said beer stop, then who recce’d it?????????
Mummy’s Boy secured the assistance of Eggshell Blonde and his Discovery, to go and set the offending beer stop and to rescue any hashers, who might be close to death on the trail. However, before he could exit the campsite, the first of the true hashers, Fat Bastard, arrived back at the camp with tales of woe, torture and fear. Not to mention pain. So a convoy of vehicles set off to rescue the abandoned hashers who were so exhausted, that they thought they had lost the ability to count to three. Now, bearing in mind that Karma Chameleon, had spent the previous hour, driving up and down the tarmac road, rescuing anyone he could find, who was not accompanied by a hairy quadruped, Mercedes seat damager. I really fail to see the point in setting a hash, if you have to go out and rescue most of the people taking part.
As you can imagine, the circle was quite a long time after the hash had finished, due to the need for personnel recovery and personal recovery. When it did start, our Grand Mattress, granted the request for a seated circle. The hares were called to the circle and the run was marked. Amid threats of violence, revenge and public affray, the hares were almost unanimously awarded, “Hash Shit.” This was followed by half the assembly getting a down down, for being anniversario’s. The RA then assumed the circle and again called the hares. Being unable to find a tub of lard and a donkey, at short notice, Flakey iced and sleeved the bastards. He then made all sorts of people drink beer for crossing their legs and having impure thoughts and things. I’m having difficulty remembering the finer details of this particular circle, but plenty of hashers were both iced and sleeved. Most of them deserved it, but there was one exception, yours truly. I can’t think why he sleeved me and he made me drink sitting down, knowing full well, that I have spent the last 67 weeks practising to do it stood up. The Hares for the next run were asked to explain how to get there, and the circle was closed.
For the next hour or so, most of us rested up, or showered, or drank beer, in anticipation of the forthcoming barbecue. A few of us were sitting around the campsite, when suddenly, little Dinky, WWWW’s dog. You know the one, rapid movement of air could irreparably damage him. Dinky, being very close to the ground, stumbled upon a piece of left over meat, or sausage, from breakfast and thought, “There’s a nice tasty morsel, to tide me over until the Barbie.” Seeing this, one of the other dogs, I can’t give his name, but he supports Everton, looked enviously at Dinky and thought, “There’s a nice tasty morsel, to tide me over until the Barbie,” and set about eating him. Dogs being pack creatures, they all joined in. Now, WWWW, seeing her pet being mauled, leaped in to protect him. Patch, one of WWWW’s other dogs who just happened to be right behind her, seized a rare opportunity, thinking, “there’s a nice tasty morsel, to tide me over until the Barbie,” and took two enormous bites out of the offending tusch. Hence the old proverb, once bitten, twice, bloody pissed off. Poor old WWWW, had a great big bruise and a bite mark.
The focal point of the evening was the barbecue. Superb fare was enjoyed by all, with unlimited helpings of such a wide variety. No one could have been disappointed. Before I forget, I would like to offer a huge thank you, to Stiffanny for all her culinary efforts and organisational skills throughout the weekend. I would also like to offer similar thanks to Lilo Lil for all the great breakfasts and all the running around for beer, water and softies and all the other effort she put in. Many thanks also to all the people who helped out during the weekend.
After the Barbie, the party started, with improved music and more alcoholic beverage. It seemed to peter out a lot earlier than the Friday bash, as people drifted off to bed, perhaps as a reaction to the torturous afternoon they had endured.
Sunday Morning started early, for yours truly and Colonic Irrigation, as the hair of the dog hash had to be set. So off we went at about eight of the clock. When we returned at nine thirty, breakfast was still available and there seemed to be a look of relief on one or two faces. The circle was called at 11.00 and Stiffanny introduced even more anniversario’s. The Hares were called to explain the run, but unfortunately yours truly was still organising the cool box of water, so whether or not Colonic made any sense, I really do not know. I have my doubts though. The run started, went through splits, check backs, checks and all that sort of thing. Twenty five minutes later everyone arrived, pretty well together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At the beer stop, where apart from beer and water, there were fruit juices, steak, sausages, crisps, cheesecakes, oranges and all sorts of goodies donated by our wonderful catering corps. After a sumptuous beer stop the pack returned the way they had come, across the river to the camp. In the circle, the Hares were awarded numerous 9.9’s, but owing to the absence of a defined second half, the mark averaged about 8.5. But it was awarded, the worlds best ever beer stop. (Oi Colon Boy, Do you reckon we would have got such a good mark, if they knew we set it in the car in eight minutes and spent the next hour and twenty minutes at Jelly Belly’s drinking coffee and brandy?) Flakey took over the circle as RA and called loads of people into the circle for down downs, awarded for sitting down uninvited, I actually think he was on commission from Cruzcampo. Then he went around kicking chairs over. The dear boy seems to have lost it. The circle ended with the mandatory campout christening and Tony and Stephanie, having completed their fifth hash, were christened, Itchyfanny and Scratchyfanny respectively.
The On On On’s were at Jelly Belly’s where excellent fare was once again enjoyed. Everyone then started to drift away, except those of us who were staying another day and we returned to a rather empty and quiet campsite. But then the real party started…
It’s really strange, because I don’t believe in ghosts and all that, but on that Sunday night, when I was trying to get to sleep, through the silence of the now empty campsite, I could have sworn I heard, “ Ere Roy, Fuck off Frank, and Two Pies snoring!!!!
Oh, one thing I forgot to tell you, Dafodildo, who likes to call himself dafodelic, recovered and made it back in time for the Saturday Circle.
On On Fender Bender
Daffodildo´s Photos - Click here
RUN NO: 1093
HARES: Stiff, Lilo & Fat Bastard
DATE: 14th June, 2009
LOCATION: La Cala Golf
Landed with the scribe because I had no intention of running in that heat, instead preferring to watch Murray win at Queens on the sofa with a cold beer. Instead Up yer Bum turned up at 4:55 insisting we should support the hash. Shit!
20 mins later we just about arrived in time for the photo. Off we went into the campo, scrambling up & down hills getting hotter & hotter until, finally we saw the beer stop after about one and a half hours. No it wasnґt - it was just an unofficial Sangria stop to get us round to the beer stop.
Setting off again for another 40 minutes we finally get to the real beer stop for a well deserved scoop.
The second half led us to some ankle breaking slippery rocks through a stream which finally we had to ford neck deep in refreshing clear water - wonderful!
After the run, time around 8:20 Lilo Lil was frantically getting Flacky to start the circle as the restaurant had been told to expect us before 9:00. Flackyґs retort was "fuck off, you shouldnґt have set a 3 hour run" a comment that seemed reasonable at the time. A short circle with a few down-downs, one of which was to Kindergarten Kop for going off to Bangkok to celebrate his 60th birthday with a bar full of Lady Boys.
I chose not to go to the meal ґcos Iґm currently as poor as a church mouse thatґs just been mugged. If anyone can tell me what it was like Iґll add it later.
P.S. Run was awarded 8.5/10, an exceptionally beautiful run but then there were 3 hares with nothing better to do.
RUN NO: 1092
HARES: Yogis Birthday Hash
DATE: 7th June, 2009
LOCATION: Mijas Golf road
On arrival the hare with his supporter on the day, Yorkshire Gripper, were nowhere to be seen – no beer, no water, no anything.
When the run eventually set off, there was immediate confusion as the initial route was basically a check-back. The pack were put back on track by calls from the walking wounded, who had clearly been given prior information.
So we proceeded to an extraordinary pair of markings …. an arrow as well as a
check-back??? A few followed the arrow up the hill, while the majority followed flour along its base … and eventually came to the Beer Stop … as it transpired, on the In Trail.
So … after their Beer Stop, the majority of this group returned via the Out Trail. ie doing the Run backwards! After a short distance they met up with the people still progressing on the proper trail going in to the Beer Stop. Most confusing!
So we all eventually ended up back at the beginning … that is except the hare …. no beer, no water, no softies, no nothing.
Well … after the usual two hours the circle started, only to discover that there was no water and no cups!
Hash Shit was ultimately given on a majority vote, after an impassioned plea from a nameless hasher wearing a toilet seat around his neck.
Dipper was GM and on this occasion Colic Irrigation was RA.
The circle followed its usual course – aniversarios being –
265 Limp-Toed Sloth
235 Mummy`s Boy
230 Golden Cascade
RUN NO: 1091
HARES: Rubherturd & sheepshagger
DATE: 31st MAY, 2009
LOCATION: Behind the potato factory, El Coto ish.
Ok, I’ve been to the blood bank and had my eyes drained, so I’m ready to do my duty and tell you what you would have seen, if you had been sober. However, if you had been truly sober you would never have turned up in the first place. Now where do I start?
It was the hottest day of the year!!!!!!! So loads of beer and loads of Ice. Like on compare the Meerkats… Simples…. No!!!! Precious few beers and no ice. Do I hear sleeve? You bet your life I do. Well done Dipper. Not for giving me scribe, but for giving those substandard bastards the sleeve!!!! They even had the audacity to top up the shortage of beer with that chemical, Philipino shit, called Sam Wiggel. Did you know that in the Middle East, Philipino’s are called Wallopino’s. That is because, people of the Islamic faith, are allowed to wallop them. But I digress.
Colon Boy was there, with Maneephuckmee, oops I meant Gangbang. Now as you know, Colonic without an audience, is like elderly sex without Viagra. So what did he do? He coerced, or press ganged several of his employees to attend the hash.The alternative was that they would either loose their jobs, or spend eternity working on twenty five year old leads instead of twenty year old leads. Sorry, time share joke!!!!
Those of you who were at the AGM will know, that old Colon Boy, or the Colonic Kid as he prefers to be called, stood down as RA, as he needed a rest, poor old vegetative bastard. So now we have the dream team in power. Dipper as GM, and Flakey as RA. They are known as the dream team, because I dream of when they will Phuck Off!!!!!
Dipper took the circle and introduced Colon boys workforce and a couple of other “virgins.” There was at least one female who’s body he could rub against. I now apologise on behalf of the hash for that.
The run started off, about twenty five minutes after it should have. No change there. We set off in a westerly direction, (I think) and we carried on for ever with little or no deviation. Check? Check back? Split trail? Those of us at the middle or rear of the pack saw very little and although the terrain was excellent, there was little to fire the imagination. There were many retirees in the early stages. Kids passing out, dogs collapsing. Even that lunatic, Daffodildo, who thinks his name is Daffodellick, you know him, he set that mega run last week, he gave up!!!!!!!! We are watching you!!!!
We eventually perspired into a beerstop, at which the hares had spared no effort to ensure that we were in direct sunlight. Hottest day of the year and all that.
The second half of the hash was divided into two different trails. Having been quite a long first half, the hares had set a ww trail for those hashers who didn’t want to kill themselves. Bearing in mind that it was the hottest day of the year. However, one particular hasher, otherwise known as Karma Chameleon, was seen encouraging all those whimpy hashers, not to do the ww trail, but to join him on the real mens trail. More about that later.
Eventually we arrived back at the circle, to warm beer, as all the cold beer had been drunk by the children and dogs, who couldn’t manage the first half of the hash. At this point the Hash Hearse was despatched to collect Karma Chameleon, who had collapsed doing the “real mens” second half of the hash. I told you there would be more later. He survived!!!!
Eventually the circle was called and his “immenseness” the GM took the circle and re-invited virgins and visitors to re-enter the circle. Did you expect me to remember everything. Anyway, he eventually handed over the circle to the RA, Flakey. Welcome back, old boy. Now Flakey was sporting a mega hangover. Something to do with his Toffee boys getting a chewing by the pride of West London, the previous day. Good to see you back though, Flakey. But who are the “Blues?”
Flakey, in the finest tradition “Tradition” proceeded to punish all transgressors on the hash. Not forgetting to punish those evil cockney bastards who had humbled the mighty Everton, on the previous day. He, in a sudden change of mental attitude, entertained the whole circle, by allowing Shagedellick, to model the new “summer Range” of Haberdashery to all present. It seemed to blow his hat off. Loved the back of those shorts.
Our RA then proceeded to christen a hasher who had escaped the ignomy of a christening for far too long. Mary was christened. Where are the pictures Karma? Mary was christened in time honoured tradition, “Tradition” as “Mary Hinge of Scots” For the life of me, I know she is a sweaty sock, but I don’t know why we needed the “of Scots.”
Much more happened, but after a few beers, my memory lapses, so apologies to all who are not mentioned, but I was not expecting any evil anarchist to nominate me as scribe.
I sincerely hope that all who were present enjoyed the day as much as I did.
The hares, who although not very well marked, were appreciated for having stepped in at the last minute, to set the run. However, Rubherturd, perhaps this is one you could shorten and re-set for the Malaga Hash. Oops, wash my mouth out with soap!!!!!!
There was so much more that I wanted to write, but I’m getting inebriated now and can’t be bothered.
We all, or at least some of us, then relocated to some other place, I’m not sure where, but we had a really great time. The food, a BBQ, was excellent, there was plenty of it. The entertainment was superb. Especially when Hobble Gobble got everyone dancing. And not only the Hashers. So a very good day and evening was had by all. At least I enjoyed it and I hope you did too.
PS. Having re-read this I apologise for the constant reference to the hottest day of the year.
Daffodildos Pics: http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/daffadildo/30thMayHash?authkey=Gv1sRgCOyM_P_s0uGU9gE#
RUN NO.: 1090
HARES: Daffodildo and Shaggi
DATE: 24th MAY, 2009 – Shaggis Birthday run
LOCATION: Ponderosa near Sohail Castillo
What a way to spend a Monday, trying to piece together what happened on yesterdays Hash and to transfer that to some internationally recognisable language that all those interested will be able to understand. First let me explain that after swimming 25 lengths in the pool and cycling 10k via the Hippodrome to reach the hash start I was grateful for the lift in Two Pies pick up (the only one I’ve had so far apart from having my knob squeezed by a dusky maiden on Fuengirolla sea front one night) and I was gagging for liquid refreshment. What luck to be given a down down with Streaky for not wearing hash attire? I think the new GM Dipper has a hidden agenda and a possible stake in the local Rag trade producing shoddy shirts in shabby sweatshops in the back streets of down town Los Bleaches.
Let me work backwards as I can remember clambering out of the Gangbang mobile aided by Chef Collonic who is as good at reassembling a folding bike as he is at baking a cake!
Now its all coming back to me it was Shagadelic’s Birthday Run.
And what a run it was, aided by the super hero Dafodilldo who had insisted on using the second half of his hash name to direct us to the circle. I think most people would have preferred if he had used the first half, as yellow flowers would have been easy to spot, unlike the brass sex toy that resembled a Skud missile stood on its HHH launch pad.
Shagadelic had special hairy bush polo neck knickers to wear along with a flowery peak bonnet donated by Gorby Hash Shit Inc. (don’t worry they have been washed) Usual bramble campo and a broken developers ghost town later and we arrived at the beer stop. Trailer Trash who has developed a passion for showing us his hairy arse (see photos) and in his normal rough northern tone asked me who was the bird in blue with the amazing tits? I think he should get out more but having witnessed her doing press-ups on the beach last week I knew he could only be asking about one person! (See photo on one leg) He had to do a double take when I told him her name glancing back for a second look with his mouth aghast. When he ended up sat next to her at the on on I think she made him choke on his food. (See photo) I bet the sale of time shares go up this week as Sukacocker added another man besotted by her to the ever-growing list of admirers. Away went the pack into a maze of Bamboo and a shite infested stream heading down to the sea to cleanse our feet in the surf. A scramble along the shore to the second birthday toast, this time in cider! Alas no beer but it was wet and refreshing and only a few kilometres with the tireless bear footed Dafodilldo and our visitor from Morocco who was so quiet I never got her name. Whatever he is on I want a sample, its a constant Buzz of energy and must be better than herbal life supplements for the over 40s.
The circle hosted by Chef Colonic had a few of us puzzled why we were asked to hold on to a carton of milk, others it was eggs we found out later as poor Shagadelic had a Birthday Cake made in a crown on her head, even a whisk was used to mix in the ingredients, flour milk and eggs, shame we never got the chance to cook it properly as by then the temperature was dropping and we were all longing to sample the delights of the Moroccan restaurant. Fortunately the “no dogs on the Hash” rule was broken and one lucky hound managed to taste Chef Colonic Shaggy Soufflй as it dribbled onto the circle floor producing an unexpected canine treat. Another doggy treat was Randy Brandy having his wicked way with Speedbumps dogs, both being on heat and both in range of the Hash hound. He would have needed a leg up or a stool for the big dog but he made a meal out the smaller dog having more than one mounting that certainly put a swagger in his step. No doggy sex on the hash please as I’m trying to imagine what a hairy sausage dog looks like. If the pups look ok I’m sure UYB will be able to find them a home for the right price! Lets hope for all concerned that Brandy was firing blanks.
The next announcement that the wheel had finally dropped off Septic Bollock Bags ageing panzer wagon and he was unable to fulfil his commitments as next Hare, every BMW has its day and his had gone, so Rubber Turd stepped game fully into his vacant sacks as all honourable members would do in a situation like this. Down to the restaurant for a long wait for everything. I had a pint and some Tapas to pass the time before the bean stew and sheep’s eyeball kebab arrived, Dafodildo made a good Moroccan waiter as the Credit Crunch was affecting staffing levels in this little bit of North Africa. The Bubble pipe made up some brownie points lost on the dubious quality of some of the dishes, and judging by the effect it had on Hobble Gobble it had spent a long time in her possession before being passed along the table. Her rendition of an Arabian Nights seductive belly dance routine was a little lost on me as she has the figure of a stick insect with legs that go on to her arm pits. A Belly Dancer by definition must have a Belly; I think Dipper, Mummy’s Boy and myself could have given the dance a little credibility. The star of the dace floor being our Moroccan host Infredel Astair (just wish he had been as nippy on his feet in the kitchen).
I think all hiccups aside it was another great Mijas Hash and I’m sure Shagadelic had a great birthday. A lot of effort and a worthy score of 7.5 – 8 .5, for those of you interested in statistics.
Yogi the scribe
Daffodildos Pics: http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/daffadildo/ShaggydildoHash?authkey=Gv1sRgCICL1qaX9uiigQE#
Moroccan Trip Stiffs Moroccan pics here
RUN NO.: 1089
HARES: Suck y Cocka, Chilly Willy and Up-Ya-Bum
DATE: 17 MAY, 2009 – Norwegian National Day
LOCATION: CERRADO de AGUILAS
It was the Sunday after the Eurovision – as you know, won by the Norwegians with Iceland taking the 2nd place (yeah here come the Scandos) - and this Hash Run took place on the Norwegian National Day! All was laid out for a full Scandinavian do. Too bad we don’t have any Norwegians on the Mijas H3, but the rest of the Scandos turned up in full force. Our Finnish/Swedish hares did a great job and Up-Ya-Bum had worked on advising them…. Well, the signs to get there were hard to follow, but we all got there eventually. Must have been the Viking trick to try to divert even their friends! The Scando Hares were all dressed up as Vikings, a job well done!! Suck y Cocka had worked hard on her sewing machine to dress them all up. Keep doing this Suck Y Cocka. Great effort.
Not too many turned up though, but with 15+ Mijas H3 hashers in Madrid, what can you expect! Those who turned up, were all in for it, ready to fight whatever came their way. And so we set off, directed by Up-Y-Bum to “go down the road and look for the flour”. So we did, but none was found. Had to turn back to the run site, and then set off downhill just to the right of the site. Shame on you Up-Ya, trying to loose the hounds before the run had even started! Nice hilly area, with some good checks/check-backs. After quite a while of running through the hills, we hit the tunnel, and boy what a stench.. Midway through the tunnel we saw and smelled the poor sheep, that had been shagged to death by sheep shagger… Shame on you sheep shagger. You even had the courage to come to the run! Soon afterwards, we hit the beer stop which featured Swedish Punch, Swedish “sogar kagor” (Sugar cookies), teddy bears, and the usual chips and drinks. OnOnOn back home with most hashers getting lost after a while, but all returning safely.
When circle time arrived, it was a matter of finding out, who was doing what…
The only MisManagement members present were Hash Cash and Hash Flash. So there was an urgent need for fill-ins. As the absent members hadn’t bothered to find fill-ins/fill-ins weren’t present, somebody had to do the job…. But how come, nobody wanted those lovely jobs!
However, as a “mostly away” ex-MisManagement member, I had a chance (read “was forced to”) pay back some of my absence. No problem-la, we’re all merry Hashers, so here goes.
FILL-INS: GM/GL/RA/SCRIBE: SpermAid
PISS POURER: Son of Suck y Cocka (sogar kagor (sugar cookie baby)
RETURNERS: more than half of the circle
VISITORS: none VIRGINS: none
ANIVERSARIOS: RubHerTurd 160 Streaky 125
The voting gave the run a good 8 for a great trail and great effort.
SpermAid not being the
greatest “stand-up” comedian you have ever known, decided to run the circle the
“Asian Hash Way” of
taking Charges from the circle, thus bringing in the person charging any other Hasher. The charges went on for a long time and duly entertained the Viking friends. A few notable charges were Streak of Piss being spiked during a visit to a gay parade abroad. He ended up insisting on getting into “his” room in the wrong hotel. Then of course Sheep Shagger having overshagged the poor dead sheep in the tunnel. Master Bates is leaving us for 4 months to go home and sell all he owns back in Sweden to enable him to return to Spain and run on the Mijas H3, so he was sent off in proper Hash manner. Karma Chameleon was doing his best to try to abduct Master Bates’ doggie “Skyggan” (shadow) using the remaining chips and almost succeeded.
A naming ceremony found place and the new hasher got known as “Eurogay”. He had made a charge earlier that the Eurovision was all gay!!
The lame and sick went home – RubHerTurd with shingles, Karma Chameleon with needles in his heart - but a few stalwarts continued to what turned out to be a fantastic evening of BBQ and drinks. And no, the dead sheep wasn’t part of the BBQ.
OnOnOn to next week. I’m p…… off again to join the exciting annual Jungle Run of the joint Jakarta Hashes, taking place in Central Kalimantan…
Run No 1088 Sunday 10th May - The AGM Run
Hares - Hobble Gobble, Fender Bender, Knockout Two Pies
Run no. -1087- May 3rd - Hares: Flacky & Stiffanny Location : Rio Fuengirola
The 118 118 Run
Hash start was to be 3.00 and 30 or so hashers were their at 10 minutes to 3.00 without hares, more importantly without beer, and without a clue what was going on. The run was called the 118 -118 run – as the scribe has no idea what the advert of the same name is selling on TV, what chance have we got of understanding the run.(perhaps we should have rung directory enquiries and asked them where we might find the hares and beer!!)
At this point I must commend many of the hashers for being brave (or stupid) enough to turn up dressed as those two dickheads on the advert who prance around selling who knows what.
However the Hares finally showed and after a little discourse on the forthcoming events the pack headed off. This must be the first time we have hashed through a shopping mall, but this was the trail and we followed like sheep (or is it lemins). Fortunately as it was Sunday all the shops were shut and we therefore managed to hang on to most of the harriettes who then led us out into the carpark and onto the campo which did look familiar to the 1,000th run. A good percentage of this leg was missed by most the hashers who got confused with the markings but finally picked them up again as they smelled the warm embrace of the beer stop. Not quite true really, the smell was the local sewage treatment plant and the beer stop was located next to the slimy water course which leads directly from the plant overflow.
The second leg took us through the aforementioned slime bowl and on through the industrial outskirts of Fuengirola, winding in and out of the uninspiring streets and finally plugging our way through a semi stagnant river only to discover the same beer stop we had left some 40 minutes before. More beer and we headed off once again in the approximate direction of the cars and closing circle only to be waylaid to play crazy golf, which appeared to be a strange thing to do but was in fact a great deal of fun..
It is at this point where my story finishes as I was requested to collect some beer previously stored in my car. Off I went in the general direction of my car before realizing that I had not the faintest clue where it was. I claim my reason to be that I am a Campo Boy and not familiar with Fuengirola, others claim that I must be going senile. I eventually found the misplaced vehicle and returned to the last knockings of the circle.
The On On was at the adjacent Bar B Q hut where we gorged ourselves silly on their eat as much as you like tab.
Run no. -1086- April 26th - Hares: Streak of Piss & Colonic Location : Torremolinos - The first Gay Hash
Dafodildoґs pictures here:
Run no. -1085- April 19th - Hares: Dipper & Gobbi Location : Valtocado
Voltabollockcardo Scored between 7 in old money and the lower 9s in metric.
Hare Digger and Gorbylocks took us on a ride to remember with plenty of ups and downs, flour when you could find it and lots of spring flowers tossing in the stiff spring breeze. In fact that wind could have blown Capt Cook all the way round the Horn before you could say “ shiver me timbers and pull me up sailor”. The poop deck would have been well battered with that one blowing up your kilt. The only ones blown off course were Kindergarden won’t buy a sat nav Cop, who managed to find the Beer stop by sense of smell, (a good Yorkshire trait that only inbreeding can produce), that streak of wet piss who calls himself “the only gay on the Hash,” who after one good shag I’m sure would break in two, he only turned up at the on in circle to promote his first Gay Hash in Torrebollocklinos and telling us all to wear something Pink! I think he should have been “sleeved “on site! As should the other latecomer in his Razzmatazz Boulevard Trailer Trash buggy covered in Costa Crap.
The Bald headed Time share twat just got straight into the Beer (another Yorkshire trait caused by inbreeding) but not to be sniffed at. His milky white shirt and grey flannels looked out of place in a circle full of Hashers in Hash Shit. A stiff icing would have been the best thing for him with a simultaneous double sleeve. What a missed opportunity by our RA. But he did get that Bounder Master Bates for a dastardly deed he played on Sucka Cocka a few weeks ago, having her baby sit his Dog so he could go to a party, he failed to inform her that she was also invited, only a Cad would play a trick like that, and on his own countryman or women in this case. But alas no ice or sleeve to be seen, was Colonic loosing it? No the bugger was saving his sleeve for Sir Sparky the poor old bastard, who having two Extra fat bastards in his car had managed to scrape the undercarriage of his Honda Zimmer mobile trying to find the run start, the sleeve was for his last run some weeks previous for a minor offence of not going to the on on. Then Twiskypie for being Russian, he can’t help that as much as Swiss Roll can’t help being understood, but a sleeving they both got and wet shirts to boot. Then me, little old me just an old Bear trying to get back to his lair after a few sherbets in the hot spots of Funegirola and getting on the wrong bus, any fool can miss read Malaga for Marbella, they both start with Ma and end with an a, shame the lag and rbell got reversed in my somewhat confused state of mind, but was the sleeve necessary for us misfortunate ones but not for That Swedish yacht bounder, party animal hernia limping, flu sickly Dog loaning Master Bates. His time will come when the pins in the voodoo doll made by Miss Cocka start to hit the spot.
Gorby kept repeating it was the Russian Easter but I saw no chocolate eggs dripping in Vodka, just dry F in P nuts, by the sack full commandeered by Putitin who took great pleasure nibbling on her nuts with this Easter treat, it just made me drink more Beer! Isn’t that was Hashers do, drink Beer? A Peanut club with a running problem just wouldn’t fly, just think of the down downs waiting for hashers to down a hand full of peanuts in one, stick with the Beer it’s a known quantity and it works, it has no nasty side effects, tastes good, looks good and by golly it does you good! A Master stroke, from the founding hash members that even makes catching buses fun.
Two Pies stepson must have been wearing a White Suite or as one person remarked, his tanning sessions were paid for by Two Pies and had been sunbathing in a shed. How cruel you Hashers can be, but then to name him! I had lost the will to breathe by then and Blanco 4 skin, Bollock Chops, Pale rider all come to mind but for the life of me I have no idea what he was named. Sorry but I didn’t ask to be scribe.
The on inn was in Me ass and arranged by Golden Cascade, it all tasted of Garlic and was followed with “flan” that didn’t. Even coffee if you stayed on with the Russians to celebrate Easter in style.
How do you make a circle at a Gay Hash?? Think about that one and you may not come next week. On On
The Yogi ( non gay bear) with nice legs and big nipples.
Run no. -1084 - April 12th - Hares: The Wankers
Location : Rio Grande Campo – Coin Area - Easter Bonnet Run
4.00 pm start and only half a dozen hashers in attendance – was this an indication that due to the closure of the Alhaurin to Fuengirola road the Coasties now consider that the campo had gained independence and a visa was now required to visit. But we need not have worried as hashers started to arrive in dribs and drabs and swelled the numbers to 28. Difficult for the GM to nominate a scribe as the last person to arrive was Dogsy’s bus with six people on board, so he magnanomously nominated himself again.
It is at this point that the scribe waxes lyrical on what a bag of crap the run was but was denied ammunition - How can you report on an almost perfect hash, we had well marked and excellent running on campo trails, water, tunnels, hills and valleys, beautiful views and even a top rope on one of the more difficult slippy slopes. Easter eggs, crisps, home made cookies and copious quantities of beer at the Beer Stop contributed to the well earned mark of 9.6. All future hares please note!!!
The circle was called to order and Two Pies made his usual cock up of forgetting what he was in the centre for and at the first opportunity handed over to the RA. For reasons best beknown to Colonic he turn up in full vicars attire and then proceded to tell the flock of the reason for Easter - this was generally an inaccurate interpretation with only the facts being altered and then also omitted to include the bits on Easter Bunnies and Easter Eggs. As interest was flagging, he disappeared for a moment only to return in a Blues Brothers outfit – Colonic what has this to do with Easter??
Many of the hashers had entered into the spirit of the event by sporting a variety of hats and bunny ears, although the scribe was at a loss to understand Sukyacockerґs headgear of a pair of playboy boxer shorts. Perhaps it was a trophy from one of her conquests on the previous evening? Anyway, Hobble Gobble won the best hat contest and was allowed to fondle the RAґs balls as a reward.
As time was getting on the circle was adjourned and we hot footed it down to the restaurant for a €10 Venta nosh.
A Hash for others to be measured by
Run no. -1083 - April 5th - Hares: Mummies Boy & Verve Clitot
Location : Campo to rear San Pedro
Thanks go out to Mummies Boy & Veuve Clitot for stepping in at the last minute to set the run and who cares whether it is similar to the one they set in January or otherwise.
The GM Two Pies made a grand entrance by making everyone wait for 30 minutes before he decided to turn up (suppose it makes a change from Flakey or Dipper). In the best traditions of the Hash the GM nominated himself as the late arrival, to be the scribe for the day. So dear readers here it is :.
The Hares gave a brief description of the markings, making particular note for all who cared to listen, that some of the check backs were a tad on the long side (this turned into the biggest understatement of the day) and handed over to Hash Flash who buggered about taking a photo of his foot, the sky and finally the hashers who were fast losing interest.
With great aplomb the hoard set off in pursuit of the trail grinding to a halt when the trail markings expired at a reservoir. Much time was lost whilst everyone searched for the elusive trail. It was only when someone noted a CB marking that we all decided to retrace our steps over the bridge and pick up the trail on the other side of the reservoir. The trail took along a narrow track and dropping down onto a flat flood plain through some water, run a bit and through some more water, run a bit and through a bit more water and onward up to our knees in water until we finally came upon another CB. Three quarters of an hour was wasted whilst Hashers (or should I say headless chickens) ran in all directions, even some almost retracing their steps back to the start. The day was saved by the diligence and persistence of the GM Two Pies and the ex GM Flakey, who delved into their depth of experience and found the correct trail onward to the beer stop. Compared with the first half the trail back was a doddle with only one check in it.
Despite many rumblings that the run had been a crock of shit the circle awarded a commendable 7.5 for the hares effort.
After being treated to several down downs, Mummies Boy excused himself and headed off to organise the restaurant for us only be stopped by the police on the way. The Local Polizie thought all their christmasses had come together when they noted that an unrestrained dog was sat on the back seat, Mummies Boy was not wearing his seat belt and also seemed to have enjoyed a bevy or two. Despite being in a bit of a pickle, Mummies Boy had the piece of mind to phone and warn fellow hashers of the hazard. Sally (that is she of the green wellie brigade) said that this was no problem as she knew of an alternative route. Dutifully at the end of the circle, we all followed Sally in convoy only to come across the aforementioned fuzz who had now relocated. Fortunately we were allowed to pass without incident.
Mummies Boy and Veuve Clitot had organized a 60/70’s music quiz at the restaurant to take our mind off the two and a half hour wait for the main course. Willy wanker, Kindergarten Cop and Two Pies showed how they had misspent their youth and scored a commendable 39 points out of a possible 46.
Well done guys
Run no. -1082 - March 29th - Hare: Fender Bender & Gobble Gobble
Run no. -1081 - March 22nd - Hare: Sir Sparky yob assisted by HMV Campo de Mijas.
What a good turnout for a pretty average Hash. We had all sorts of participants. Adults, (well sort of), Kids by the score, dogs, (dozens of them), virgins, returners, visitors, Malaga Bastards, we even had one or two hashers. There must have been about fifty of us. We had a contingent of visitors from the Mersey Thursday Hash, who were conspicuous because of the trolley jacks and wheel braces they brought with them, we had about half a dozen Tommy Cooper impersonators, who all seemed to smell a bit of North Africa. Not too bad if you stood downwind of them. All in all, it was a bit of a motley crew. No change there then!!!! Wot no Two Pies? What could we do? Not to worry, when you need a port in a storm, there’s always Dipper!!!!
So the old master, (you thought I was going to say something else then, didn’t you?) took the yoke and commandeered the circle. Things really started going downhill when he suddenly and vindictively decided that I was to be the scribe. He said it was because I had been chatting. At least I think he did, I didn’t actually hear him. I mean, would you have heard him if Veuve Clitot was telling you that she was pregnant, at the same time? I rest my case.
The Hash started, eventually and lots of things happened at the front. However the front being something I have never seen, I can’t really tell you about it. At the back there was some really cool chatting going on, I mean, did you know that Shaggy and Up Yer Bum, well perhaps I shouldn’t put it in print, but if you give me a ring, I will bring you right up to speed. See Dipper, bad choice!!!!
Anyway the first half was bloody long, like one of Colon Boy’s circles. But then we got to the beer stop, after a whole load of weird signs, like beer stop this way and on in, that way, (Sparky’s usual figure of eight hash) and then it said beer stop one kilometre and five miles later we found it. Still, when we found it there was, Cava and Strawberries and very few crisps, (reminds me of when Itchy and Scratchy used to Hash) so Sparky was once again forgiven.
The second half was much better, some stupid idiots went for the Hashers trail, but me and the other chatters took the WW, which was a gentle downhill stroll along the road. Did we do some gossip? I nearly got a swollen tongue.
Anyway, eventually we got back for the circle and another opportunity for a chat. Quite a lot went on in the circle, but I missed most of it through chatting and then I nipped off for a quick fag. However I did notice that, Sparky being the Birthday Boy and elder statesman of the Hash, was dubbed “Sir Sparky” and shall remain so for time immemorial. Also Ant was christened Tone the Bone, or something like that and Chilly Willie’s “mini me” was christened, something to do with willie. I’m sorry, but I was chatting!!!!
All I can say is, don’t let Dipper be GM again, he’s got piss poor taste in choosing scribes.
The On On On’s were at some other gaff, or some place else, I didn’t go. My jaw was positively acheing, there was no way I could manage solids.
Marks? Did it get Marked?
On On Hobble Gobble.
Run no. -1080 - March 15th - St. Patricks Day
To the old and experienced hashers this is known as a ‘Run Report’ – recent hashers won’t know what this is …..
About 35 of us met up on the beach to celebrate St Patricks Day, with Yogi as hare.
The route took us back over the coast road and into Miraflores. It was well marked – disappointingly Trailor Trash is now clearly so out of practice that he failed to see many obvious trails getting the entire hash lost on a few occasions – open your eyes boy.
Yogi added some funny little things called circles – a sort of check back. At one point there were 3 together – even St P may have struggled.
But any moaning was soon forgotten at the Beer Stop which included Guinness and Baileys.
The second half was not as well marked as the first and a solitary 5 hashers came in on the right trail.
The hare was awarded a solid 7. To celebrate St Patrick, Dipper and 7 hashers read us the story of Rindercella and her Sugly Isters – very funny you bat fastard.
The circle lasted about half an hour, during which time the temperature dropped from Med levels to sub zero – the RA led us all in a session of Father Abraham to keep our spirits up.
Snitches included Streak of Piss (for a new variation of an old hobby) and Streaky (for her love of modern classical cinema).
The on-on was at chez yogi – an excellent bit of hospitality, although he looked pretty knackered by the end. (personal big thanks to Up Ya Bum for the veggie alternative, although I was told that the Irish stew may have also been veggie by those looking for the meat)
Amidst all this England were thrashing France at rugby as well – it doesn’t get much better ‘to be sure, to be sure’.
Ps. Karma – can I have my shorts back – I left them in your car.
Hares: Tweetski & the Ruskies
Run no. -1079 - March 8th - Russian Womenґs Day
Hares: Tweetski & the Ruskies
Run no. -1078 - March 1st - St Davids Day
Run no. -1077 - February 22nd - Mijas Costa
Run no. -1076 - February 15th - Valentines run
Run no. -1075 - February 8th
Hare: 2 Pies
For once the weather was on Two Pies Side, neither scorching one's bollocks or freezing ones' nipples, just a balmy mix of alien shaped clouds hovering above a snowy Torrecilla in a bright blue sky.
His birthday started at Casa Knockout (aka TP) with the usual suspects who turn up for Mermaid's traditional fayre, supplemented this time by birthday CAVA, most of which had been consumed by Knockout before anybody arrived.
NO expense spared by the hash to present Knockout with his birthday present - he gleefully unwrapped, Two Pies.
TP adopted the Billy Connolly walkabout in the circle & gave a haphazard explaination of the hash markings to the virgins. Technically one of them was not a virgin because he had hared before but never actually hashed. But what do I know on the technicallities of a virgin. What TP did care. He was already lining up blame if hash shit came his way, with a myriad of other hares who could possibly share the burden. Namely Veurve Clito, Mermaid, and Mummy's boy. Flakey was lining up more Cava to see him off at least till the Beer stop.
Birthday frivolities dispensed with, we set off only to a check within the the first 100 meters.. Ingenious Bazza knows his campo out there better than one of Cath's horses, and led us up (via some False trails) to big cowboy country. The outback of Andalucia looked glorious in it's pre-spring blossom, the peace and tranquility only shattered by the shouts of hashers marauding through the countryside waking up every sleeping dog in the campo.
A few shortcutting bastards ignored the check back and headed for the brow of the hill, leaving the die hards to follow every scrap of shredded paper and blobb of flour to the same point.
Only when it came to the near vertical descent on shiggy.. (not shaggy) did one or two hashers turn back. We need Paul Mckenna in for the next circle, Would our RA (he's a man of many talents - ok costumes) stand in for the famous hypnotist and cure our Hobble Gobble of the wobbles. If Summer and Fender had tackled the hill, they would have been rewarded with juicy ripe oranges all sweet and free just hanging from the tree. Several theiving barstards filled their shorts and took their fill.
The beer stop gave TP a chance to take in more alcohol and give two young boys a ride home in the beer wagon. Was one of them sick or just terrified of the mad man at the wheel? We'll never know, they're not talking.
The second half was a straight forward choice ... walk home, albeit up another serious hill..or a ball breaker of a trek back. thank god it wasn't reminiscent of his June (hottest day of the year so far) hash as I took the ball breaker.. and advised my new man to do the same.....to come with me.... my cunning plan worked. I have no recollection of what happened to the other hashers....
The circle consisted of a gay matador looking remarkably like Colonic and Flakey (always see the scene from Resevoir Dogs now, who went to Cazorla and saw him torture the Madrid hasher?) and a wheel barrow.
Kindergarten our ever ready hash shit, yet again, failed to disentangle himself of said shit. Delightedly telling Two pies it was a superb run. In fact all of us agreed with the effort he deserved a well above average 9 point something.
Pity he would have no memory of it the next day. He was limo'd to the buffet extravaganza, Only centrimetres from the house he fell out of the wheelbarrow...unaided.
Will he remember the unveiling of the new 2 metre sleeve.. the down downs for miscreants such as Fender.. Fact - the population of Yorkshire is heading for the mijas h3 infact just about anyone who was not from Watford got a down down. ... And the jolley good show our RA made of baptising our pocket dynamo.... Alison, now known as Trailer Gash! I still have the photo by the way... for when Gash is famous and the News of the Screws are prepared to talk money.
Swiss our ever lovely piss poorer did an excellent job of keeping the beer flowing till she disappeared, the dogs had a fight in TP's new house and everybody devoured Cath's lasagne .. there was parmesan on everything and the fridge outside was empited of it's full contents. Bazza demonstating his magic skills by attempting to make a glass of wine float in mid air. Bazza, keep working on it, you're almost there.
Thanks to Maureen who also did loads I think in the kitchen.. I usually avoid kitchens and go straight for the table so I don't know exactly what she did but it was all good.
Well to sum it up.. .. his 61st hash bash was even better than his 60th in Thailand............and that's what we thought too!
ONON! Shaggy x
Hares: 2 Pies
Run no. -1074 - February 1st
Up yer bum & Master Bates
Run no. -1073 - January 25th
Flakey & Stiff - Chinese New Year
Run no. -1072 - January 18th
Hares - Wallyґs Where - Casa Wallyґs Hash Flash - Master Bates
Note: The content found herein may contain inaccuracies and typographical errors and the hashing author of this epistle does not warrant the accuracy, reliability and completeness of any of the following information:
Early start, can you believe it, 12 noon on a Sunday, especially after some of the intrepid hashers had been abused by an excessive intake of alcohol the night before, more later – you know who I’m on about Colonic Irrigation and Yogi.
Circa: 27 Hashers made the journey up to Alozaina and on to Casa Wally and after the obligatory circle therein Colonic Irrigation introduced 2 Russian virgins. The pack moved off in disorderly fashion over the wonderful countryside, with fantastic views, the main concern was that the first half of the run was downhill consequently requiring the second half of the run to be uphill.
Even the Wallys outstanding tail marking had the pack spread across the countryside, relief coming at the beer stop where the pack of hounds devoured the crisps and the hashers devoured the liquid - either alcoholic or the other stuff.
Beer stop over, the survivors returned to Casa Wally by the route they deemed appropriate for the state of their hangover or fitness.
2 Pies called the circle to order and the run was given a resounding 9.5. Then to the amusement of all, demanded that Colonic Irrigation gave his version of the previous nights follies, to which Gangbang replied with her account, hmmmmm…... slight discrepancy. Our illustrious RA having taken on board numerous Down Downs and still suffering from the previous nights excesses, was forced to retire to the ablutions, his return, with the hash hounds, was announced with the accompanying chorus, “Who let the dogs out (woof woof, woof woof)”
Christina was duly baptised “Suckya Cocka” derived, appropriately, from the Swedish sweet cake ‘Socker Kaka’ (recipe available on request).
The On On required mass movement across the lawn, where the Wallys regaled us with the wonderous delights of soup, fish and cottage pies, Chicken and rice, Christmas Pud and Choclate cake…… excellent
Run no. -1071 - January 11th
Hare - Mummyґs Boy & Veuve Clitot Where - La Quinta golf, San Pedro
It was a bright, if not very sunny day and some thirty odd hashers turned up for the weekly bout of self flagellation. It was very rewarding to see so many new faces at a hash. Dogsy brought a couple of members of the Eddy Mercx appreciation club, Frazer, (It’s a peculiarly Scottish thing to have a surname instead of a Christian name) and Sarah, who at some time in the future will be christened “Prickly Bush” ask Frazer!!!!!! The San Pedro Cock Sock, (San Pedro Cocktail Society) aka wrinkles aren’t us, turned up on mass and proceeded to turn the Hash into a cava tasting.
The Hare, for some reason, changed the start time to 1530, without the slightest consideration for people like me and Hobble, who don’t listen in the previous weeks circle, especially when it is freezing cold and windy. So could Two Pies please explain, why I got Hash Scribe for being early?
The pack eventually took off, heading inland, across hills and valleys and rivers and waterfalls and all kinds of wondrous terrain. Devious checkbacks were set across raging torrents and the trail crossed more than one river, or one river more than once, (it’s in there somewhere) in order to ensure that our hypothermia lasted as long as possible and then completely unexpected, we came to the beer stop!!!!!!! Was this a mirage? Could this be a Mummy’s Boy run, with a beer stop before our first pair of trainers had worn out? Lo and behold, it really was the beer stop and after the beer stop, there was the option of a WW trail. Was Mummy’s Boy sick? Or had Veuve Clitot threatened him with a large blunt instrument? Either way, it was a day to remember, if only to cherish the gallantry of Master Bates and Gangplank, giving piggybacks across the river. I wonder what charge they levied for providing this service? In Gangplanks case, I’ve got a pretty good idea!!!!
At runs end, there was considerable quaffing of beer and cava. The twenty seven dogs on this weeks hash were all watered and Two Pies called the circle to something that almost resembled order and Gangplank lit a fire. Virgins were duly down downed and official business was concluded, then the closet tranny entered the circle to establish some sort of order. We were not really sure, what our RA was dressed as this week. Suffice to say that it was quite fortunate that we had no visiting Royalty this week, as describing him as a raghead or packi could have landed them in deep mire. We really weren’t sure what he was meant to be. He was actually overheard saying to Gangbang, in his Essex Boy Estuary accent, “Luv, Luv, what should I be luv, a Sikh or a Genie?” She replied, “Be what you f------ like,” and walked off. Actually some of us thought he might be the Taliban Ambassador to Malaga. But you would never really know. He really didn’t have the ends joined up this week. He had spent the whole of the Hash scribbling feverishly into his book, recording every bit of info he could about as many people as possible only to loose it and accuse all and sundry, including your scribe and the GM, of having “nicked” it. Guess where he found it? In his pocket!!!!!! Klizma. For those of you who don’t understand Russian, ask Colon Boy for the translation. God obviously doesn’t like colonic either, because half way through his performance, the heavens opened and nearly drowned him.
Mummy’s Boy, much to his own amazement, got a really good mark, for his well set run. See, you don’t have to kill people, to be appreciated. I can’t remember what the mark was, but Two Pies just makes them up as he goes along, anyway.
The circle closed, with Two Pies begging for a volunteer hare for next week. Apparently our Haremeister, Flakey, had overlooked getting a hare for next week, at the same time as he was overlooking getting any hares for the rest of the year. However, the day was saved when the brave Willy Wanker and his Willy Warmer leaped to the rescue and announced that next weeks run will be in Alozaina, (just this side of Portugal).
It is going to be a benefit Hash, in aid of Somali Pirates. So if anyone has a photograph with the following people in it, please bring it along for the pirates.
Karma Chameleon, Golden Cascade, Dipper, Gobichov, Eggshell Blonde and Lilo Lill.
Do check the start time, for next weeks run, as you could get caught out!!!!!!!
I am sure they will advise us why, in due course.
Adios Mi Muchachos.
Run no. -1070 Sir Roys memorial run.- January 4th 2009
Hare - Oxfam Where - Below Mijas
Two run reports this week (& 2 sets of photos)
Well a good start
for “Sir Roy's” run was the location. And thats where it ended!
> > Although the directions on the infer web thigie said turn left after the Thai restaurant, it was in fact right! Not to mention that the Hare “Ox” shortened by the fabulous handsome talented twat of an RA had purchased far too much San Miguel Yuk!
> > This was the shortest run that I have had the pleasure of attending. We later measured it at 14 meters including the Drive to the On On. Which was superb by the way and made me feel a bit Guilty about giving Oxfam one. For the run I mean, I didn't actually enter him in any way. But he should have been Shagged for the shortness of the run by all accounts.
> > Talk about down then up then in,in less than 40 mins including the beer stop! It reminded me of fender Benders total sexual experiences for the past 4 years! According to hobble anyway.
> > It would have kept the whole pack together but some sad bastards even ran the first bit (and I mean bit) back again!!!
> > Anyway, seriously for a moment. The GM opened the circle with a reading of hasher's that have gone to the great on on in the sky. All present remained silent for the duration. The hasher's mentioned were
> > After the run receiving mixed comments from hash shit to 9.9?????? the aniversarios were duly downed downed.
> > The Fab, wounder full, handsome, debonair, swarve, educated, funny and totally gorgeous RA did his bit in the circle by making one and all dance around his golden balls, punishing most people for sex on the hash and numerous other trumped up charges.
> > Two hasher's were named Fanny Fiddler and Cheap..er somthing..........(god I was pissed by then)
> > Anyway Circle closed it was on to the ON ON. FAN BLOODY TASTIC a Thai food extravaganza. well done Ox for short!
> And a lovely pair you had doing it for you as well, you lucky, lucky bastard.
> > On On
> > Gang Bang (well....ish)
Despite Oxfam not knowing his right hand from his left when giving directions on the website, 27 or so hashers managed to find the start area.
The GM called the group to order and before all our usual nonsense started, requested that everyone whilst reflecting on the memory of Sir Roy who was still running with Mijas H3 when he was 80, to spare a moment to remember other hasher we have lost over the preceding year.
Trigger – Sir Roys wife – always treated us to wonderful curries at the On Ons
Lanker Wanker – past GM of Mijas H3
Roughneck – one of hashes characters
Big John- always supported us when in town
Jim Jolley – Flakeys father who attended run no.1 some 20 years ago and was the brains for the design of our Burro logo.
After suitable reflection we noticed that it was bloody cold and eager to get the old joints moving we rushed Oxfam through the usual hare instruction, a quick photo and we were off. A quick amble down the road to the first check, then off down a precipitous scrabble into the campo and things were looking good for a long strenuous hash. How wrong can you be !!! after 15 minutes we arrived at the Beer Stop and after enjoying copious quantities of the amber nectar and Lidl’s crisps we ambled back to the cars arriving at the cars some 10 minutes later. We had in fact spent more time at the beerstop than the total run. Oxfam’s protestations that his house had burnt down or something during the previous week were discarded by all and sundry as just an excuse, but everone chose to be magnanimouse and he received an unbelievable 5.5 for effort.
We all froze to death whilst Colonic Irrigation waxed poetical chastising miscreants in his own inimitable way, and if we had not got cold enough, he dragged two poor sods into the circle for a christening. Cheap as Chips step daughter was named “Comes cheap” and a visitor who foolish told us that he had not received a hash name yet, was christened “Fanny fiddler” to match his girlfriends “Ball handler” name.
The circle was quickly closed and we headed off to Oxfam’s abode to enjoy the delights of Asian cooking, skewered prawns with peanut sauce, Laos spring rolls, a choice of two Thai/Laos curries and Mango trifle to finish – a spread any restaurant would be proud of!! Between courses Master Bates treated us all to one of his excellent slide shows of some of our passed hashes.
A good time was had by all, well done Oxfam, I am sure Sir Roy will be looking down favourably on you.