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RUN REPORTS 2010
NO: 1178 Date: 26th December
HARES: Colonic Irrigation
As i arrived a little late I got the honour of being the scribe, and well just kept forgetting and thought I would get away with it silly me as it was bloody clonics run and my punishments seem to be getting worse, so here goes :
Agreat number had turned out for this fantastic boxing day joint run, wich was being set in our deer departed late hasher fender benders ashes .........
you might be thinking a shortish run ,as fender was not one of our heavy weights ,but oh no there was plenty of his ashes to spread about the streets and campo
the run started from clonics house being assisted by tweetskie pie, and we headed out into the campo ,but then the pack turned and started heading back towards fuengirola .
found a check .and then we where off back in campo, lovely as we all love the campo and hate the hard footed tarmac .. another check and severall clever falsies and the pack was all back together .
some smart ass i think flakey found the trail, and again we where off gathering speed . the trail seemed to take us to the mercedes dealership was clonic looking to trade in the vw 4 wheel drive gas gussler for a merc smart car , no another bloody check
and the pack back together again, off over the bridge with everybody in xmas fancy dress to the sound off lots of spanish car horns . a left at the next road and we hit the river in little finland . we then entered the river and through 2 or 3 tunnels
till eventually the beer stop hooray .......
lots of lovely ice cold tinnies and cakes crisps and even cava as it was being set on fenders ashes remember
quite a simple run back to casa clonics for the circle
and then onto the restaurant at the bottom of their road for a scrumptios supper
on on sceptic x
RUSKIE’S CHRISTMAS RUN, NO: 1177 Date: 19th December
HARES: Tweetski Pie & Put It In - MARK: 7.5
ANNIVERSARIOS: Flakey, 435 runs Daffodildos Photos
Oh dear, déjà vu has set in. The GM has only been away two weeks and he has forgotten the first Commandment – thou shalt appoint a scribe. Better do it himself then, or face the dreaded sleeve.
Twenty three, would be runners, many in festive robes, arrived at a familiar location, or was it? We were parked in the wrong place, just down from the Higueron Restaurant and not further on, as usual, over the Autopista. Surely the Hares are not daring to venture onto the Mountainside north of the N340!
Having exhaustively recce’d this inviting area over the years and even getting as far as setting a run some 10 yrs previous, only to abandon it on the Saturday and set a totally different run - having considered the mountainside too dangerous, due to the loose rocks and rotting timber, the difficulty of setting false trails and keeping the pack together and the possibility of a beer stop anywhere near halfway around. Has the area changed? Lets put on the heavyweight trekking boots just in case.
Off we set and yes up to the petrol station and across the road into the woods.
Soon we were traversing the mountain, off track and across loose rocks and slimy timbers and our first casualty. Up Your Bum found it too much to control that blasted dog and manage the mountainside, leading to a spectacular head over heals fall and landing heavily on her shoulder. Fortunately HMV was to hand and managed to get the show back on the road – the mountain mule rescue team could stay at home. But somebody is going to be carrying the bruises for many days to come.
Finally a check, which most of the Hash had missed by shortcutting, was this a fiendishly deliberate attempt to bring the Hashers back together or just insufficient flour – lets give them the benefit of doubt for it had everyone going around in circles and only finding a single CB. Eventually having scoured the mountainside ON ON was called from some 200 feet above. Those taking a less direct route found the check and for once a proper trail. This got narrower and narrower and ever more rocky, going up and up until finally we reached a near shear wall of loose rocks and stones going up some 50 feet. Some Hashers had to be dragged up and how others didn’t have a seizure is only down to the endurance of the Hasher! To add insult to injury a sign proclaimed we had reached nearly 1000 meters in altitude!!
Oh by the way, we found a wonderful vista with a mountain spring, a wonderous cave and a pot-holers heaven. Was this the reason for our journey?
ON ON for more of the same, but now we had reached the summit of our endeavours and we were going back down into the woods. Another check and the echo of Hashers way off track “are you on??”. Finally the trail was found and down to the Mijas road for a much awaited beer stop, well perhaps not. The Hares were trying to bribe us in true Ruskie style – Champagne, Brandy, Cakes…. Poor misguided souls, to think we would fall for that old trick!
ON ON for a short trip home. Not along the road which would have been too easy. Half the Hash, or so it seemed, took to the 4x4’ s, the other half took the official shortcut - over the top of the mountain (not so big this time) and then off trail down the other side to the ON IN. Miraculously they all got back one way or another – nobody lost, nobody killed. Since the end of the cold war the Ruskies have definitely been losing it!
A circle was formed and various penances paid. The main casualty being Stiffany and to little fault of her own. She must have had ten down downs, All due to the Archdikin’s antics or should I say calamities the previous week. He even said Stiff had tried to sabotage his trip to China by washing away his passport details. What´s the wash basket for? Anyway it must have backfired on Flakey that night, unless you like corpses Flakes?
Oh and the marks. Well there were two camps, those that missed their vocation in the SAS. They thought it was bree…liant and then there were normal, somewhat ageing Hashers. Only four calls for Hash Shit were made – sorry Colonic, as valiant as your efforts were, they were not quite enough. I tried to help by inviting all Ruskies in the circle and eliminating, their votes. But bribery by the Russians is nothing new and to our detriment, we know it works! The GM finally compromised, giving a 7.5, which as we all know with compromises, didn’t suit anybody.
Finally Russian hospitality shone once more. Down to Estark for a quick stopover (at the traffic lights, of course) before going on to the best 8€ worth for many a year. Large plateful of steaming hot veggy soup and fish & chips with a half decent wine to wash it down. Or if fish wasn’t your bag, then a choice of roast beef, pork or chicken. What did the Ruskies do to negotiate that deal.
Finally, finally our Christmas Choirmaster, none other than Gangplank tried to lead us in festive cheer. Unfortunately the Partridge (Sceptic) couldn’t get his ass off a block of ice and the Ten Lords a Leaping thought she was Pipers Piping and it was a total disaster. Singing abandoned Flakey tried an updated version of an old favourite act but did a Karma C and couldn’t get the punch lines out and with Pacharan being thrown around to curry more favour by the Ruskies the evening dissolved into…………
ON ON – MUMMY’S BOY
La Concha Walk (1) La Concha Walk (2)
Run: 1176 Sunday 12th December Hares: HMV & Sir Sparky
Big Mac was appointed scribe by the Grand Mattress for the mere fact that he wore gloves. This was of course grossly unfair but there is no appeals procedure on the Hash so here goes.
Our hares, Sir Sparky and HMV, are not the youngest hashers. In fact their combined age of 141 probably sets a new record. But this was no hash for geriatrics. It was to be a runners ‘ run. The turnout was fairly poor at 25 due to various hashers heading to UK for the festive season and some TV programme I have never hear of – Y factor or some. The territory was strikingly familiar but by a stroke of luck the last time this dynamic duo laid a trail here the pack followed a loud mouthed Madrid visitor who managed to avoid 2/3 of the run! So the hares thought they might get away with laying the same run – only backwards! Karma Chameleon let it be known that he knew every square centimetre of this territory and the hares suggested he run it blindfolded. (Perhaps he did as he never made it to the beer stop).
A runners’ run it was with your scribe and Physical Jerk (half my age at a guess!) whooping it up hill and down dale and arriving at the beer stop some 10 minutes ahead of the pack. The runners curiously arrived from all points of the compass, studiously avoiding the well marked trail. The run in included a water feature, a broken water pipe which spewed its contents right across the trail. Only one hasher was daft enough to run through it – Physical Jerk. Some negotiated their way around it while others avoided it entirely. Some serious short cutting was observed but went unpunished. Karma was found sleeping on the bonnet of his gas guzzling 4 x 4, apparently unaware that he had missed the run.
The circle was convened with Stiffany in control, or rather not as she forgot to call the hares in and mark the run. A well deserved 7.9 was awarded. Big Mac’s fancy gadget recorded 6.7km. There were a few returners including 6 mil, wife of 5 mil who may also have set a new record as she was last seen on the Mijas hash some 20 year ago according to one hasher. Her T shirt was certainly vintage 1989 and appeared in remarkably good condition. The Anniverarios ranged from the high teens to the mid hundreds spanning half a century at least! Daffa Dildo was stand in RA and did a fine job. Worthy of mention was Septic Scrotum who was very subdued after a night of excess which ended with him sleeping rough and being rescued by a charity (or was that the police?). The sleeve was dusted down and successor to Fender Bender auditioned. Toxic Bollocks put on a credible performance and for some reason Shagadelic had to change her top, not that I noticed this. The GM then took the circle back and we were entertained by some hash politics regarding the ill fated Christmas party. This has had to be cancelled due to lack of takers upper. A rival event is planned and there was a heated debate and some finger wagging as to whether this should or should not be subsidised by hash cash and whether a quorum had been formed; whether universal suffrage should apply; and whether there is a God. Next week’s run starring put it In and Tweetskie Pie is somewhere in the same vicinity but starting at 1400hrs and with seasonal fish and chips to follow.
Only a few had taken up the On On offer at La Terraza, a local Spanish bar/restaurant. Some say this was because no Sunday roast was offered. Others speculate that it was the draw of a certain TV programme. Still some 9 pensioners did go along taking the restaurant by surprise as we were so early (This is what happens when Colonic is not RA). More hash politics were exhibited as some in our midst did not fancy what was on offer and buggered off, leaving empty seats, rather like the Chinese Nobel peace prizewinner.
We are a drinking club with a running problem and we embrace mismanagement! On On.
Run: 1175 Sunday 5th December Hares: Septic & Toxic
Average: 8.45 points.
Because what ever happens in the circle ids Double Dutch to me here is what I made of it.
Toxic Bollox 10
Cranny Faddock 50
Put -it - In 85
Physical Jerk 20
Op op deze deze zonnige zonnige dag startte de run in plaats
Op op deze deze zonnige zonnige dag startte de run in plaats 15.00 nu 15.30
15.00 nu 15.30
Het werd klimmen geblazen dat viel allemaal best mee , naar
Het werd klimmen geblazen dat viel allemaal best mee , naar beneden door de droge rivier bedding was effe anders.
beneden door de droge rivier bedding was effe anders.
Via gevaarlijke uitgesleten rotsen en dijkjes kwamen we
Via gevaarlijke uitgesleten rotsen en dijkjes kwamen we eindelijk bij de bierstop. Een prima run was her met geode
eindelijk bij de bierstop. Een prima run was her met goede markering
Daarna was het een makkie.Een prima run dus.
Daarna was het een makkie.Een prima run dus.
Net voor dat de cirkel begon, begon het een beetje te
Net voor dat de cirkel begon, begon het een beetje te regenen.
Colonic was weer op dreef en vertelde een verhaal over wat
Colonic was weer op dreef en vertelde een verhaal over wat er met de urn van Fender Bender was gebeurd.
er met de urn van Fender Bender was gebeurd.
Er was ook iets met Stifanny die Fender een Blowjob had
Er was ook iets met Stifanny die Fender een Blowjob had gegeven
Elvis werd door Flaky omgedoopt tot Elvis
Elvis werd door Flaky omgedoopt tot Elvis
Dogsie kreeg een downdown omdat hij op de check zat
Dogsie kreeg een downdown omdat hij op de check zat
Een heleboel andere dingen gebeurde in de cirkel maar dat is
Een heleboel andere dingen gebeurde in de cirkel maar dat is niet interessant te vermelden.
niet interessant te vermelden.
De ONON was perfect zie de foto’s
De ONON was perfect zie de foto’s
Run: 1174 Sunday 28th November Hare: Dogsy
DOGSY Does It Alone, or Lew Hoads re re re revisited
Sunday 28th of November Mark - 8.5
The jammy git. It faeces down with torrential rain for three days beforehand, and for the following two days; but the day of Dogsy’s run dawns pristine and beautiful. Just as well, as this is our first run without Fender, and a minute’s silence is observed in the Gathering Circle as a sign of respect for the old bugger. So , a warm heart-gladdening sun smiles happily down on the chastened pack as they start to wend their way upstream from Dogsy’s cul-de-sac (and I use the words advisedly, my Lord).
Through the sewage-nourished mandarin trees, up the claggy cleft of Dogsy’s well worn passage, then suddenly, Freedom, as Dogsy’s frondiferous tunnel opens out onto the benevolent if hilly pastures of the Lew Hoad Campo. And an early Christmas treat -- a flock of seductive and lascivious goats, bent forward grazing, butts skyward, all unsuspecting as Yogi pogoes his way towards them and impregnates the lot. No wonder the goatherd was miffed – he can only manage ten at a shagging.. (Your Scribe knows, ‘cos he often walks his wee doggies hereabouts, and crouching doon behind the bushes – tissues in hand- he spees on the mannie wi’ the big purple cockie who loves to screw the gooties wi’ their wee hairy motties etc)
But I digress: sometimes zigging around the contours, oftimes zagging abruptly upwards, the pilgrimage leads inexorably to the midpoint beer shrine. For most of you, that is. Whilst the majority of hashers are quaffing beer and gruesome-but-cheap pink Schweppes, and scarfing crisps and peanuts, Willy Wanker, Stiff and Gobby (having started up the backtrail) are meandering round the countryside miles from that very trail where Your Noble Scribe maintains for them a series of lonely vigils designed to get them safely reunited with the flock. And when he eventually succeeds, are they remotely grateful, or even cognizant of his sacrifice? - Like f*** they are! Ah well, noblesse oblige.. (and Your Scribe is more nobless than most).
From the beer stop a pleasantly unambitious stroll led through rolling campo - at least for those of who actually followed Dogsy’s well chosen route- back to his dingy defile and the cars.
After due cleansing of our sins – all conducted with the Sleeve in tribute to our absent Sleeve Meister - and several anniversaries, none of which Your Forgetful Old Scribe remembers, we repaired to El Brujo for a full Sunday roast to top off a spiffing afternoon. As far as Your Scribe remembers, Dogsy was awarded 8.5 marks for this charming if unassuming little number. Toodlepip!
ON ON, Your Scribe,
Run: 1173 Sunday 21st November Hares: Yogi & 5-mil
A good crowd, almost equalling the number of dogs turned up opposite Venta Jinete for this hash set by 5 Mil and Yogi. We were warned that the check backs would be long and we were greeted with our first on the way up the hill from the start. However, cries of “On on” were heard further up the hill as Stiffany and Kindergarten Cop had ventured past the CB and had managed to find another trail. Fortunately for the hares watching nervously from the cars the rest of the pack managed to find the correct trail and off we went through prickles and slippery slopes, past angry bees and a steady uphill climb. On reaching a check on top of the hill I was just in time to see the hare’s cars driving by pointing us in the right direction. Despite this, I still managed to find another of several long false trails (up yet another hill). By this time Stiffany and Kindergarten had rejoined the pack and led us off in the right direction. By the time the FRB’s had traipsed back from some of those long CB’s we had been promised at least half the pack were together when we arrived at the beer stop. Having run out of crisps and starting to get cold waiting for the rest of the pack to reach the beer stop, we set off again briefly downhill, along a river bed only to be faced by another steep climb through a check. Once back at the cars it was clear not only had we run out of crisps but also of decent beer with only a cheap German alternative on offer which led to plenty of stick for the hares in the circle…
The circle – firstly yours truly was called in for having my back to the circle awarded a down down and nominated scribe. The hares were then called in and awarded down downs for running out of crisps and supplying us with crap German beer called Luftwaffe or something along those lines. Marks were then awarded with Yogi picking up and dry humping anyone making a negative comment…some of whom seemed to thoroughly enjoy it – the look on Swiss Roll’s face was a picture. A real variety of marks led to an overall 6.9 being awarded. Our esteemed RA then took over proceedings cleansing Speedbumps, Elephant Arse and Big Mac of their sin of wearing pyjamas to the hash. Flakey, Dipper, Kindergarten and Mummies Boy for wearing the same trousers. The usual anniversarios. Spermaid for blinding us all with her newly whitened teeth. Me again for apparently leaning against a car that was driven off containing our German Virgin – will she be seen again? Gangbang for filling Colonic’s big shiny Touareg with petrol instead of diesel. Gangbang again for coming home late pissed as a fart as her lift home crashed the car outside the house. The Elvis lookalikes. I’m sure there were others that failed to make it into my long term memory. Karma ended proceedings with one of his well rehearsed jokes, circle was closed and many headed off to Dibley’s in La Cala for the On-on. End of report, now time to get started on the 200 school reports I have to have written by Friday!
Run: 1172 Sunday 14th November Hares: WWWW & Just Say When
Coin and Cauliflower - the flatulence run of the year
It was all a blur, as my car floated into the circle on a wave of hedonistic over indulgence, was it the beer or was I still rocking from the journey across Spain after a tossing in the Bay of Biscay. I felt like I was in a spin dryer, was this all an illusion, was it a dream, two pies had shrunk and was wearing some funny Funkin shoes of dubious origin, a style not befitting his status and curiously sounding like Mummies Boy.
Karma sounding agitated after leaving the Hash Camera on the latest cruise ship and was demanding to use mine, was this a parallel world I had slipped into ? In a previous life I remember being voted as Hash Flash ! Yes it was all a dream or maybe Hash Austerity cuts had been imposed over my summer break and not only were water shortages imposed but a cabinet reshuffle had happened, Maybe Franco was back in power? It was all a dream ? But a nice one were a few people from various orientations turned up with a mixed assortment of dogs and off springs to follow a route set by a rather slim “ willy warming device” and an even slimmer “just say when” How do they do it ? My weight just keeps moving to different parts of my body depending on what activity or social function I have been involved with.
At the beer stop I was last and ate some cake , I kept my bottom covered, but scared a Danish wolf hound and managed to be last again leaving. No beer for me just 4 down downs of cake! Golden Cascade had a birthday trail pee ( Willy Wanker and I never looked) she was lucky just like the dog, that I’m sure will have a great time on board ship as they continue to maintain her in the lifestyle that she has obviously become used to. Let’s hope lucky finds her sea legs quicker than an old Bear can on all forthcoming seafaring adventures.
More weird things at the circle as Colonic did his best ever makeover to cleanse our sins, his rendition as “Daffadilldo” was even better than his “nightmare on elm street” how he grew two feet is beyond me ! The welsh accent needed some work but I feel for little Elvis growing up with his Dad morphing all over the place, what lengths this man goes to, he even turned up in a stock car with fresh battle scars pretending he had been to a car boot sale with Shaggy. She was in on the act being all vague about not knowing she was scribe from two weeks ago. Ignorance is no defence I always say. So on that note how come the “Canadians” who have no interest in cars pronounced their new Skoda Yeti is really an Audi underneath. Really! Not a Volkswagen then! Think we should rename it an “Audi Bigfoot wagon” which has more of a Hash twang.
Karma’s joke telling lessons have had an effect and he now shows real promise as a cruise ship stand up, timing being the first rule of comedy was lacking before, along with the inevitable punch line, maybe Colonic had morphed into Karma ? Who knows, is beer just coloured water ??
Things only got worse before the rain stopped play, I was told I was Hare for next week and so had Five mil, we managed to come to a joint arrangement in a local eatery over a roast dinner hidden by a mountain of vegetables. Talking with Five mil through the haze of steaming food I thought he had a dribble of Horseradish down his chin, not wanting to sound rude and mention it over dinner we battled on, but failed to finish the most enormous meal I had failed to eat in a long time. As the steam cleared I realised it was just a bad shave day and he had missed a bit, or had he ? Could this be another new position Hash Tash ! A new idea of the coalition to forge a little banter with the Russians maybe.
The wine poured down faster than the rain outside as the group reduced to a small flock with the prospect of an On On On at Gangplanks. He didn’t sound convincing and the thought of walking the plank to spend the night in his hold, or risk the police gauntlet on the new road to the coast made me cast off into the night, the blur of the windscreen matching the one in my head, will it all unfold in the morning ?
The duvet unfolded all night as the Cauliflower worked its way through the most Flatulence fuelled night in Hash memory. What a Day ! What an On On what a bugger I missed most of it.
Well done, I think the score was high but don’t expect a miracle for next week. My head ache was still there in the morning but thank god my testicals were still in place, my underpants can never be too small.!
It was all true.
Sunday 7th November Hares: Stiffanny & Flakey Marks: 8.5
Run No: 1171 - Flakey´s birthday run
At last out for a run again, arrived at a “wee” garden, ( wee cause all the dogs were weeing various parts of the garden, I promptly followed suit…) A huge dog called Blue had a good sniff at my pussy, and promptly followed me around very excited…
More dogs arrived hey what a party and lots of strangers with only 2 legs we
all chatted, got re-acquainted, got chased around the garden and
drank ( from the pool in my case)whilst waiting for the Hare to show up… brave
little mite…didn’t anyone tell him Blue was on patrol… Clever hare came in
disguise like something out of the wizard of OZ or was it Worzel Gummage??
After standing around in a circle for a while very boring… except for this white powdery stuff which tasted quiet nice..My mistress was so bored she was leaning on the bar, ( fact that she had been partying the night before and only had 4 hours sleep, and was feeling vertically challenged ) was pulled into the middle and had to drink a full beer, that soon perked her up..
After this we were off straight out the back gate off the leads and free so many smells, my half sisters were off and running… following this white stuff, me eating quiet a lot of it on route... down through bushes and trees across water… I jumped in, more tracks… more water… yep in I go again.. lots of bamboo tunnels, sometimes its great being small, these tall animals on 2 legs were cursing away.. but the FRB were cool they jumped in the water too..But they could never make up their minds which way to go,, going back on themselves off in different directions all very confusing, to a novice like me.. and then there was the tunnels a bit frightening for me, and which silly sod put those little fires down the middle of one of them.. I burnt my nose on the first one!!!! I would have lost my owner had she not been shouting at the top of her voice.. I was standing right next to her couldn’t she see in the dark??!! When she had us all back on the lead we followed her out of the dark, on the other side we set off once again a rapid pace, more hills and whey hey more water, this time my favourite stuff.. lots of stinky mud…which I wallowed in when my owner wasn’t looking…ooophs better keep up… God, how can she run so fast with just two legs… more hills… more confusion, lost the white stuff…lost my owner, but Dogsy, what a nice human with a great name..!! pointed me in the right direction..and yes I could just hear my owner shouting for me again…. Doesn’t she ever shut up…!! Scampering up the hill after her, we came to a great embankment, I had a helping hand on my bum…so did my owner, that shut her up for a while..!! – now my half sisters who are old pros at this were up it in a shot, I’m still not old enough to keep up with them..
At last we stopped for some water, though some nasty human had a bee in his bonnet and wouldn’t give me any even when I gave him a doleful look.. Still got some from a nice Russian, who told him off for being cruel to animals.I wasn’t that bothered anyway as had some beer.. well had a good lick as some kind human left their beer on the floor… tasted much better…
We waited for ages for all these animals with two legs to catch up… Ruby this lovely black dog gave me instructions on how to scrounge for food and clean up after everyone, yum yum those sausage rolls were great…
Eventually we set off again, more running to catch some bus whatever that is…
Lots more confusion, whilst these two legged creatures were put on a long lead in pairs and transformed into four legged creatures..but still they couldn’t go very fast..I kept trying to show them how it was done, but they kept falling over me..think they are a bit silly really…we marched and sang (them NOT me!!) With a funny little human holding a stick up in the air…back to the wee wee garden..and did a lot more standing around in a large circle..
Sasha, my half sister who’s been to many of these circles explained what was going on..everyone that has done something wrong or stupid on or in the week.. is called into the middle and has to have a “down down”
Guess what my owner Pussy Galore was first in…hehehe, for locking herself
out of her own car…The battery died in her key ..???
Flakely for being late for his own hash
Elephant ass for getting lost and going home..then reappearing for the circle..
Oxfam for getting too excited and staining his trousers…
Tightarse must have been very bad as he had to sit in a bucket of beer and
swimming pool water.. though cant remember why was getting too tired by then..
Aphrodisiac for getting laddered on his ladder.. and then falling off!!??
Rubber Turd for not wanting to be German anymore..
The Isle of Wight Hashers Baldric, Marcus hideous, Golden Bollox and Pocket Rocket had us all laughing with the new great hash songs that they came out with,..
Jane was at last named… lots of silly names but the two most popular voted by the loudest cheers were Cockless and Rusty Twat, the RA then asked which she preferred (Cockless) and was promptly named the other..
Other Aniversarios were
Dogsy 600 Runs and presented with a winter coat…
Flaky 430 Runs
Golden cascade 265 Runs
Stitched up 90 Runs
Elephant ass 140 Runs
Aphrodisiac 125 Runs
Cradle snatcher 85 Runs
Dog tired… what a lovely day…The animals on two legs all went out again what another walk?? More beer… food??? who knows it was all too much for me… fell asleep on the floor of tightarses car all warm and cozy with my half sisters, even tightarse wearing just his red bugs bunny boxer shorts failed rouse me..Though think my owners face was nearly the same color!!!
WOOF, WOOF, CHLOE HASH PUP
Saturday 30th October Hares: Dipper, Gobbi, Karma & Golden Marks:9
Run No: 1170 - Halloween Special Mystery run
To my knowledge none of the following report bears any resemblance to any known person or persons thereof. This report is not responsible for in-offence caused, and all known whereabouts of any person involved is entirely fictitious. In other words this is all a pile of crap, dreamt up 3 weeks after the event. When I discovered I was supposed to be the scribe. I could have sworn that penance went to Mummy’s Boy, or was it Kinder?
I Shaggy, declare myself innocent of all charges of lateness, key theft, jabbering in the circle and any other misdemeanour that anyone sees fit to launch.
The headless coach pulled up, with several weird looking passengers peering out. Were the cute guy from SAW, with a contingent of the Russian SAS and I, Bride of Dracula going to hijack the bus on the road to hell? Hell, yes!
Actually the hares did that for us… though some might say it was like a school trip to Blackpool, with the coach boarding the roller coaster to get there…. In and out of every bend we weaved, lurching from one precipice to the next and vying for the road head on with every 10 ton truck. Marvellous……. The near death experience brought about a manic camaraderie with tanoid announcments like “look under your seats there you’ll find a light and a whistle, in case of emergency and we crash in to a disco”
Clonic Irragation kept our spirits up with his DJing prowess, prompting KaKa (who’d also raised a few spirits when she boarded) to have a music quiz in the style of Name that Tune, well that was at the front of the bus…….. not sure if the naughty ones were at the back….. it was a bit rowdy. Singing and yelping when the bus went too far over a corner. T’was a joyous occasion, when the coach came to a standstill on a level crossing of the AVE high speed track. NOT!
I turned to Aquasex and we agreed if we get out alive, we give ourselves a beer or two.
Those who had eyes ( there were a few hideous masks) saw their life flash before them. Songs from Reservoir Dogs sprang to mind (you know the one, he gets his ear cut off).
Only the singing and praying got us through and man! were we pleased to see the Grim Reaper. The wind howled, the rain squalled down on us but nothing would dampen our spirits…. Flash n Cash took our photos, most of us now adorning overgrown condoms in mint, strawberry and errr coffee flavour??
As soon as the pack took off, the clouds broke, the sun doing its best, against the dark forces at work….. Jerry Belly was carving a pig in readiness for the cavorting later, and the hares were ready to entice us with their picnic fayre.
The beerstoppe was a languid affair with warm air gathering around those who were eating the egg and pickle sandwiches. Belch. Urrrgh! A chance to recharge our glasses, uhhff ok, refill the smelly, leaky plastic water bottles. A field full of zombies, ghouls, monsters, serial vampire animal killers just lazed around and chewed the cud…. Till Yogi (Killer Zombie) finally rolled up and probably bared his arse in salute to the mortified (literally) crowd. And soon after we were off again.
We all marched through the little village, like a remake of Hot Fuzz, 28 days later had nothing on us hungry caterpillars. We were gonna hunt down the fun, get rampantly drunk and fill our boots with merriment.
Now, after how many weeks? I can still remember ….. what? Oh yes the views, ehhm no … the route, the ON ON? Ah yes, that must be it… our inate zombie flesh eating sense was driving us toward the sleepy village of BBQ Belly. A state of déjà vu wound its way through the hash hounds and we began to sense we’d all been there before. This groundhog feeling extended back many years and feelings of insatiable desire for drinking, shaking a leg, and bellowing traditional songs sparked a recurrent memory.
Low and behold we alighted at Jelly Belly´s in the backwater village of (where was it?) Christ you should know you´ve been there enough times.
The circle presided upon by Freddie Kruger amongst a coven of witches, luring nurses, black widows, comedy skeletons damsels in distress and Santas little helper all gouching in front of the church doors.
Circle closed we moved next door, the local hostelry complete with regulars who shot us strange looks and fell silent.
We were thinking we looked normal. Why the funny look?
Wheyy heeyyy once again at the coach house Inn, the incongruous keeper, Mr Jelly Belly greeted us with his beaming smile, watchful eyes and wayward children. We tucked in to equitable amounts of supper with gallons of the local vino, eyes reddened, knees stiffened and extremeties starting to spasm…
Let the singing begin! Oh Sweet Chariot and outside the church too!
Only the young coachman, who’d spent the night averting his eyes from the dance floor and nervously fidgeting with his watch whispered some plea in Cascade´s ear. “We have to leave before 9.30 or we are doomed...Doomed to damnation by this storm raging…..” no one had noticed the marquee starting to shudder and rip in the rain, nor the drips as they festered around the amplifiers…… and the guitarists played on.
A rendition of La Bamba by our 119 year old waiter, rocked the monster crowd, the only song missing – Thriller - we could have zombied our way back to the legless coach, though possibly terrifying small children forever.
The coach was thrown in to disarray when Dipper announced he was bereft of keys to his wagon and so his bed and change of clothes. The hares belongings were all at the mercy of whoever had the key. We searched and we looked, Aquasex was unconscious by this stage, finalising her impression of a dead zombie on the seat next to me. After every orifice on the coach had been explored, there could only be one place left - I found the key in her handbag, Aquasex …… it’s a good job you didn’t get on that plane with it! Jesus, I’d be writing this shit forever.
ON ON! Shaggy!
Eggshell´s Pics Shaggy´s Pics Radio KaKa´s Pics
Run No: 1169 - Valdocado / Mijas campo
Sun 24th October Hares: Tightarse & Pussy Galore Marks:8
You don’t have to read the report you could play this game instead…. Which hasher has met which famous person?
Fender Bender . Tightarse . Karma Chameleon . Yogi Bear . Big Mac . Spermaid
Peter Beardsley Simon Cowell John Peel Hannah Murray Hannah Murray Osama Bin Laden
If not read this…….. 1………2……………3………..
Karma and Cascade (Flash n Cash) arrived an hour early and found the hares, Pussy Galore and Tightarse on a picnic blanket quaffing wine. Looking like they hadn’t a care in the world, they’d set the run; put the signs out – what else was there to do?
Meanwhile, I was bumping along the road towards Valtocado pueblo, dreaming of chocolate brownies at the beer stop, when Tightarse came hare-arsing round the corner on two wheels............ . ‘Oh god did I miss the sign’... he was the HARE and it was 5 minutes to 4 and hurtling in the opposite direction. I did a quick turn around to chase him, but a cloud of burning rubber was all that was left.
There in the distance was an army of colorful figures – I bet the early arrivals were Spermaid Rub herTurd, Big Mac. Set against the bluest sky of October it looked like a rainbow assault on Fuengirola was being planned.
Then we were off, all 40 odd of us plus dogs, babies, old men and injured soldiers. The first check led the pack past the house down in to the valley. The pack’s cries were heard everywhere... First the FRBґs were leading, then they were following and at one time the hounds were strewn across every hillock, arms waving, tails wagging.
Apparently the hares reccied 6 times (they obviously like to do it a lot). ... All the dogs had a chance for a dip in the sewage, toxic stream and come out green. We reached another check at the bottom of the long valley, Big Mack and his ever running son (Cascade is now in recovery!) found the right path... an irrigation stream that gave the pack vertigo. The Cirque du Solail had trained on… ‘dont look down’ so what do you do? Look down....
Then back up on to the track towards the old ruin that was the very welcome beerstop..... and like a trail of ants we all made it in together. No sign of sweet oranges but who cares there were crisps and beer.
It’s probably easier to name those who did the second half than those that didn’t. I observed, along with other short cutting bastards the spidery figures clinging to the side of the steep terrain. ..Physical Jerk and his flirty bitch leading Blue into the distance, Gangplank thinking it was the quickest route. Dicktaker and Split Pussy marching up the side and making it look easy. Big Mack, the son Fit Mack (has he got a name) who just kept going and going… he must be in Burgos by now…
Back at the circle after we’d scoffed more crisps, eventually, we formed a space ship shape on the sloping ground, once Tightarse had hurtled back from disappearing again.
Mummy’s boy as GM remembered what to do and called in the hares for a round up from the pack, a unanimous nearly 9. Then the virgins, we’ll probably never see them again, were called in.
Returners and anniversarios were blessed
Ruskie Puskie 20 Gobichov 250 Septic Scrotum 150 and a badge! Big Mac 75 Streaky 175 Ou est lepapier 5
Various sins were committed and brought to our attention by Colonic the RA
Tightarse the hare for not supplying enough beer NOR having down down cups AND causing Shaggy confusion, therefore lateness and now this nonsense.
Shaggy for being stupid.
Ou est lepapier? Wearing a Russian fanny on his head, the sweaty curls …… verified by Clonks tongue as that of Gobichov’s growler.
Flakey wearing his incontinence trousers, over Elephant Arses offer of www.asiangirls.cum at his place and Don’t bring Stiff…. that would be like taking a sandwich to a banquet.
RuskiPuski for being too well dressed, still managing to be Russian and giving her orders to Clonk, whilst he’s feeding Elvis.
Cash and Flash, neither of whom did the run but turned up and looked good.
Yogi Hilfiger for flashing his arse…….. He’s back!
Spermaid and Rub her Turd – got pelted in grass, dirt, stones, raisins and goat shit – for being too clean, no for being German! Next time bring your passports!
Septic for having his bollocks kicked in by Dictaker and being abused in the nuts area.
There was almost a Christening, then some confusion on part of the space ship with Clonk dismayed at the unruliness. Thus ending the proceeding and leaving Jayne nameless but we do have a chance to think up something really good……. Bollock Chops……….. loveballs, derem derem derem ideas for the headless coach journey….on Saturday…..
With the circle closed a good 20 or so made it to La Bomba including myself and it truly was scrummy with real meat and gravy and the most divine tomato soup…… hmmm it beat Heinz. Or Chinese cat food.
So suggestions for more good ON ONs are as follows….
At Noma in Copenhagen
California 7 in Fuengi cos he would do a big plate of Steak and Kidney pie n mash with apple crumble n Custard after for about 12€
Little Italy in Ashulia outside Dhaka Bangladesh
3…………..2……………1……..you’re back in the real world.
Run No: 1168 - Marbella Campo
Sun 17th October Hares: Gangbang & Marshy Peas Marks:tba
Just a quick thanks for the hospitality you gave us septics at the hash today (Sunday, Oct 17th). We had a fantastic time and hope to see you in Alaska sometime! Let us know if you plan on being in Anchorage and we we will give you a big Alaska welcome!
Run No: 1167 - Alozaina Campo
Sun 10th October Hare: Dadodildo Marks:8.7
As a penalty for having been caught sitting on the cool box, I, Fanny Craddock (re-nicknamed Crunchy Haddock by Flakey) have been nominated as Hash Scribe for this run and as this is my first attempt, I beg forgiveness in advance for any possible lack or deficiency.
There was not a great turn-out to this Hash, which was held up in the outer regions near Guaro and Alozaina where the air is oh so fresh and clean.
Possibly the majority of the group were still recovering from last week-end in Ceuta; however we still numbered around twenty or so.
The run started with a ‘slow walk’ up the hill, where we found the first check almost immediately. The only FRB was Muff Diver, as everybody else seemed to be feeling a little old and decrepit!! He did a very good job of keeping the pack together as he ran in every one of the directions, each time we came to a check!
The trail led us across the river and we had a good, fairly easy jaunt for about 45 minutes up and down hill and through lemon and pomegranate groves; where several of the Hashers managed to avail themselves of forbidden fruit.
The beer stop was quite average, but lasted about 15 minutes as nobody seemed in a hurry to leave, and the second half of the ‘run’ was fairly short, up and down the hill again and back across the river. The excuse for the shortness being the threat of heavy rain, which managed to stay away for the duration and we had a good circle.
The run had an average score of 8.7 according to the G.M. who by the way, left early after nominating Fender Bender to take his place.
Golden Cascade lovingly provided us with a tray of ice cubes for the chosen few to sit on, among these, High Maintenance, Cranny Faddock, Shagadelic, and Willy Wanker, whom the R.A. in his prime, had picked on for no apparent reason.... Gangplank celebrated his renunciation of white wine drinking, and we had a visit from some Norwegian bod who came to politely tell us that we needed permission from the Ayuntamiento to even be there in the first place!
The On On was held in a local eating house, but I believe there were only a few participants. I was not one of them as the narrow winding road home was beckoning and I thought it somewhat impolitic to be drinking wine before attempting it.
However, it was a great day and I’m sure that a good time was had by all.
Daffodildoґs Photos here: http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/daffadildo/10thOctHash?authkey=Gv1sRgCNqDtbP98eqKrQE#
RUN NO's: 1165 & 1166 - CEUTA on the North African Coast
Fri 1st - Sun 3rd October
HARES: Sat:- Stiffany & Colonic
Sun:-Radio Caca & Flakey
MARKS: 9.3 Saturday & 9.3 Sunday. No domestics at Casa Flakes !!
Twenty Two Intrepid Hashers came together from as far away as Aberdeen, Berne and Rabat, by land, by sea and by air, with nearly half taking the spectacular Helicopter trip between the Twin Pillars of Hercules. The weekend got under way with a taste of North Africa at the Ryad Ahlam Restaurant.
Plan B soon went into action on day two. The GM who had recce'd the enclave decided to check out the emergency medical facilities just in case they were needed. Nine point nine out of ten was awarded, for the brand new state of the art University Hospital and the Swedish Doctor who gave the tour whilst Veuve C enjoyed some much needed rest. Fortunately, Colonic, the only other driver on the trip, had been given a five minute briefing of Ceuta and the run area and was drafted in to co hare the run with Stiffany. Nothing like being thrown in at the deep end, setting a run at a moments notice on foreign soil and without a recce by either hare.
If life was so simple. The hares had been told by the GM to take the route along the beach to Benzu and then up the Mountain to the first Watchtower, below the Mirador on the North side. The Taxi drivers were given the same info but decided to go the much longer route via the South side and stop at the Watchtower over there! Get the picture? and there is no telephone reception. After combing the area and driving off the mountain get limited reception the GM figured out what had happened and repatriated the troops.
The Hash was off, through woodland trails to the first beer stop with spectacular views over the straights of Gibralter. An extra loop had been added at the last minute and so off on the second leg. Rubber Turd dissappeared into the distance apparently heading for a swim only to find the hares had been foxy and found a trail? off to the right, and down a narrow gully and on through the undergrowth that circled another Watchtower and finally led back to THE beerstop, yes, the same as before - becoming something of a feature on Stiffs runs!
Off again, this time around the boundary fence of a Guardia barracks. On through the woods to a third Watchtower and a long check back. This time we hit the Morroccon border with its high Colditz fencing and modern watchtowers. Oh dear the GM took a zoomed photo of the gaurd in his box and sure enough three minutes down the trail we are stopped and questioned and after confirming we were just a bunch of loonies, were asked to delete any photos of the border - see the attached! This was not the first encounter with the Guardia - the Hares had been stopped a couple of times, going out of bounds and it was far from being the last time! Finally some two hours plus from setting out the Hashers returned to the circle.
The Guardia turned up again, but this time with a well endowed officer who took control of the circle, The usual down downs ensued and Pubic Relations from the Rabat Hash gave Flakey and Radio C a down down for bringing Arab clothing into disrepute. Likk'mm dispensed further down downs and a magnificant effort by the hares was rightly awarded with a 9.3 on the Richter Scale and calls for icing the GM.
On On to the now recognizable Mirador Restaurant. Adequete portions for mice and Veuve C, but not for grown men. The views and company were tremendous though, Pacharan flowed and the singing led by Colonic got louder and the fashion conscious tried to entertain us with some strange dancing.
More encounters with the Gaurdia, the GM attempting a shuttle service was firstly
breathalized on the road back from Ceuta to Benzu, then half way up the mountain he had to explain why the boot was full of beer and he had no driving licence (stolen) and on the way down he was again flagged down, before shouting "its only me" and continuing with barely a reduction in speed. So much for setting Hashes besides East meets West borders!
Sunday's Hare of the Dog run started less dramatically. Our two friends from Rabat were nowhere to be seen, last seen out on the town at 3.30am by those with obviously the stronger Mijas constitution.The taxi's found the Fortesa this time - the GM making sure by riding shotgun with the lead taxi. The Hares made a pre- emptive assault on the Gaurdia and Military by sending in the harriets and assuring them no photo's would be taken (see group photo!) and the only private property that had to be crossed was given the all clear after the passing of a carton of cigarretes. Job done.
This really was Hare of the Dog stuff. Starting out at the highest point on the headland and going level or downhill all the way to the beach. Again stunning views, no black stuff in sight (Flakey had complained the previous day that we had crossed it twice!) and ending with a dip in the sea.
Eventually Rabat arrived, gave poor apology for their absence and were given down downs to one of Likk'mm's many verses and the Hares were awarded a very deservable 9.3 which happened to be the same as Saturdays run!
ON ON to Restaurant Nautico on the beach which cost €8 for hors d'heuvres of olives and prawns, paella or other, platter of mixed seafood or other, dessert and as much beer or vino callapso as you can drink, which doesn't mean you can drink it out of the jug Speed Bumps. Quantity and half reasonable quality, no wonder the place was heaving and we all look forward to a rebate from our cashier!
Most travelled back across the waves and four not two, headed into Morocco!!
VEUVE CLITOT & MUMMY'S BOY
Run 1164 - Sunday Sept 26th Hare: Speedbumps
As part of
his punishment for failing to write up last week’s Hash, Big Mac was again
appointed Scribe for this run. This was a coastal affair organised by
Speed Bumps with or without the assistance of her new Beau who she was showing
off to the Hash. She had bravely put markings in flour on the N340 to
guide us to the start point. There was a good turnout including the annual
appearance of El Cid accompanied by a posse of Policemen who were guests of
Ginger Minge. Panic broke out in the ranks of the Hash as these visitors
appeared to be quite fit. The run set off into less than salubrious
surroundings and our nostrils were assaulted by various unpleasant odours
including that of a dead cat. We then took to the gullies and the FRB’s
simply lost sight of the trail at one point. Eventually one of our midst
found a check-back marking and we stumbled across the correct flour and
continued until hitting the shore line and then shortly thereafter the welcome
signs of the beer stop. The FRB’s partook of their refreshment and waited
for the Walkers and Quasi-runners to arrive. They never did and so the
runners set off of Part Deux. This involved much beach and dune running to
the amusement of the (mainly British) tourists who were taking in the evening
sun. Eventually the trail headed back up towards the N340 as it had to do
and we passed through yet another tunnel and were soon back at the start where
of course we expected to find the Walkers whom we assumed had given up probably
at the same point that we had lost the trail earlier. However, Speed Bumps
informed us that no sooner had we left the beer stop, the Walkers had appeared
full of praise for the challenging run. After about 15 minutes or two
beers in Hash Currency, the Walkers strolled in proud of their modest
achievement. A further argument ensued as to who had been on flour or not
led as always by Karma Chameleon. The GM then called the circle and
welcomed the Virgins and the sad anniversarios. The RA then took over and
there was a naming ceremony for young (7 years old) Luke and the consensus was
that Lookey-Lookey Man was an appropriate epithet. The sleeve was
liberally dispensed by the RA with strong support from the baying gladiatorial
pack. The on-on had originally been announced by Speed Bumps as the
Dragon’s Den Chinese Opium Den – or something like that – and all of two Hashers
indicated their willingness to risk a meal there. A poll was taken up to
sound out interest for the German restaurant resulting in 100% improvement in
numbers. Finally, Stiff Fanny proposed a third option – El Bruco –
to which I gather a more respectable crowd retired.
Run 1163 - Sunday Sept 19th Hare: Golden Cascade & Swiss Roll
This belated run report is
brought to you by Big Mac following his public chastisement at this week’s run
for having forgotten to compile it earlier. The run in question was
brought to us by the dynamic duo of Swiss Roll and Golden Cascade and set off
promisingly from the campo on the outskirts of Coin on a very pleasant evening.
The pack was first of all assaulted by a plague of wasps resulting in one of the
Hares being stung in her nether regions and concern was raised that we would be
conducting an irreligious event in a holy place (La Ermita). Water had
been promised on the run but we were probably not prepared for the volume and
depth that was made available to us (a change of clothes had been advised but
few of us reckoned that this would include underwear). Perhaps the Hares
should have advised bringing snorkels. In the first half the water hazard
was easily avoided by the weak and feeble runners who were able to take the
“high road” and watch as the rest of us floundered in the stream. So at
the beer stop there were some who bragged that they had managed to keep their
shoes and attire dry. It was also noticeable at the beer stop that the
walkers and quasi-runners had arrived some considerable time before the FRB’s.
There ensued a discussion as to who had been had been on flour and who had not;
why there should have been any discussion is a mystery to me as it was quite
clear that the walkers and taken – deliberately or otherwise – a serious
shortcut for which they were let off scot-free. However, after the beer
stop they got their comeuppance as the trail immediately veered into the river
which by now had benefitted from the previous day’s rain. We basically
hacked our way through jungle-like conditions in ever deeper water which
eventually reached waist high for the taller runner and possibly submerged the
vertically challenged. In fact, the second half of the run was almost entirely
in water and when we finally emerged into civilisation the run-in was
disappointingly mostly on tarmac but rather picturesque nonetheless. The
wasps were still attacking throughout the circle and some pilgrims appeared to
collect holy water which hashers mistakenly took for beer. A head count
for the on-on produced a disappointing number and of this number several failed
to appear at the chosen venue causing embarrassment to Swissy who had organised
a very nice and inexpensive spread at the Cruz de la Piedra. No doubt the
committee will wish to consider sanctions.
Run 1162 - Jewish New Year - Sunday Sept 12th Hare: Upyerbum & Tightarse
Run 1161 - Back to Skool Run - Sunday Sept 5th Hare: 2-Pies & Daffa
Pictures supplied by Tightarse
Run 1160 - Sunday Aug 30th Hares: Tightarse & Pussy Galore
Run 1159 - Monday Aug 23rd Hares: Streaky/Stiffanny
Here I am as Hash scribe again. I really need to get a grip on my time keeping if I am to avoid serving this penance every week.
By the time I arrived there was some 30 or so hashers circled up in the shadow
Circle completed and photo taken the hares sent us on our way telling us the fence near the beach was a check for the start of the run. The pack quickly spread out to look for any sign of flour to indicate the trail. Some went left down the beach some went right. Some went up towards the castle some went up towards the road. Then everybody swapped around and tried the different directions they had not yet tried. Shouts of “are you?” could be heard resounding from all directions but to no avail. We felt like we had run a full hash and not enough flour to make a single digestive biscuit had been seen.
Suddenly the call of On On echoed out, the call soon taken up and repeated by the rest of the hash pack like wolves howling at the moon. I joined up at the back of the pack winding their way up to the castle at which point there was a check. I took a small dirt road going around the castle but there was no sign of a trail there. By the time I returned to the check there was not a hasher to be seen anywhere. Not to worry I was on the highest point for miles around, I would soon spot the pack. I looked down to the new foot bridge nope couldn’t see anyone there. So I wandered over to the tents and looked down to the N340 and Myramar, nope not a soul there either. Then looking out towards Club le Costa I could see someone enthusiastically running across the foot bridge ah ha……… But no!!! it was just a solo jogger. Where the hell had they all vanished to in 2 minutes flat??? I wandered over to a Spanish family who were sat on the wall working their way through their ice creams and asked them if they had seen a large group of people and if so which way they went??? He became excited and animated pointing over to the footbridge telling me yes they all went off in that direction running like the clappers (doesn’t sound like most of the hashers I know But still.)
As I entered the castle car park There was a check but I didn’t need to consider that. My Spanish informant had let me know he had seen them all running in the direction of the new footbridge so that’s where I was going. Having reached and crossed said bridge again not a grain of flour or gram of hasher was to be seen anywhere!!! Thanks for the directions...... NOT!!! I went back to the check and started to scout about for the trail. Just as I picked the trail up disappearing under the bridge towards Myramar speedsbumps screeched to a halt beside me and asked “have they started yet???” It was five to eight by now I can only assume she was working on the Morrocan time zone and was therefore an hour behind everyone else. Yet another check the other side of the bridge, no the trail didn’t go up on to the motorway, neither did it go up the river bed!!! Eventually I picked up the trail again only to find another check outside the hotel 100 yards further down the road. Nope trail didn’t go up the steps opposite the hotel, then I found it heading out towards the racecourse only to be met by a CB!!! This was getting very frustrating.
Then the shout “are you???” cut through the evening air, Looking up to the crest of the hill I could see the whole of the hash pack silhouetted by the setting sun. Well there’s a touch of luck. Shortcutting through the CB I was back with the pack. Up yer bum was trying to call the pack up a grassy bank saying the trail is up here on on but no one was listening. Sceptic Scrotum could be seen as a small dot disappearing in the distance as he made his way to the sumit of a bloody great hill. Best foot forward I set off after him. I arrived at the top of the hill to find the rest of the pack again mulling around at yet another check. I had barely arrived before the call “on on” went up right beside me. I set of down the trail calling the rest of the pack on. It was totally satisfying to hear Sceptic call from waaaaay behind me, “where the hell have you been tight arse and how the hell are you at the front??”
From here on in was a long run down narrow tracks and up the river until the BS sign was spotted. A quick paddle across the river and there was the welcoming sight of cold beer and cake. The Hares had chosen as the site for their beer stop a beautiful setting surrounded by bamboo with the river gently wending its way past and the sewage works on the other side of the river. MMmmm if you didn’t want any of the cake or drinks you could just savour and chew on the sweet aroma drifting across the river.
After the usual beer stop banter the pack was ready for the off again. The hares tried to send us up the river but after a few minutes debate it was decided since it was nearly nine o’clock to do the full second half would just take to long. So the hares pointed the pack off in a shortened direction back to the cars. (As an aside I always feel sorry for a hare when they have gone to all the effort of laying a section of trail and it doesn’t get used.) The trail back wound through the bamboos taking us nearer and nearer to the Gypsy camp. Up yer Bum was behind me and kept up a constant dialogue of: Stay together, don’t leave me, watch out for the Gypsies, stop calling on on you’ll let them know we’re here. Possibly due to the fact last time a run went near the Gypsy camp she had her dog, jewellery and chastity stolen. She complained voraciously about the dog and the jewellery.
We emerged from the bamboo for a run down the river bed, along the beach and back to the run site. The circle was held on the beach and the run was as always offered to the circle for criticism. It was generally well received and awarded a mark of 8.5 (If memory serves me right and it may not!!!) Colonic presided over proceedings as RA as per usual. Cleansing all the hashers of their multitude of sins, of which there were many. The main highlight being his detailed description of how at the previous weeks run/on on Radio ka ka had been gagging for a shag (I always knew it) and with the collusion of her cousin they both tried to lure Sceptic Scrotum of to a secluded spot so they could have their wicked way with him. (Apparently Colonic had pointed out to her that that day was her last chance to get laid while she was in her twenties. If she left it until the following day she would be shagging as a thirty something.) It was all too much for Sceptic and he sought sanctuary on Colonics sofa slipping into a drunken sleep.
With the circle closed the barbecue on the beach was lit and cooking started. A quick swim got rid of the sweat and dust from the hash and I then proceeded to chat with an extremely sexy Spanish girly that had appeared as if by magic. I have no idea what went on with everyone else but I can tell you what she was wearing, the colour of her hair, colour of her eyes, what she was doing the following weekend etc etc. Everything settled into a nice easy beach party and it was well on its way to one o’clock by the time I left to head for my bed. As always with the hash a thoroughly enjoyable evening.
Run 1158 - Sunday Aug 15th Hares: Colonic/Radio Kaka & Speedbumps
Radio KaKaґs Facebook Pics
The birthday hash........Colonic's Caca's and Speedbumps!
slept on Speedbump's sofa for the second night running & woke up with 3 dogs
licking her ears.
If anyone is dxyslexic...... that's A R S E. 'Fabi did you set the alarm?' ...'Errr yes...' she opened her eyes, 'oh errrhhhmmm it only goes off Monday to Friday.'
So the two latehashers... (Speedbumps being a hare) pitched up to find a full circle & Elvis aka Colonic with slightly bigger sideburns than last time, resting his glasses in Radio CaCa’s (Oh my lord 6 inch fuchsia stilettos) cleavage.
Two Pies made the late arrivals have a beer for breakfast then told them to scribe, which was going to mean another late report. This is Speedbumps and Shaggy youґre dealing with, one is useless and the other has no concept of time.
As Dogsy was also in the Doghouse for growing old and senile. Elvis stepped in to describe the ON ON...... Elvis doing Del Boy or Del boy doing Elvis, doing Clonk! '...NO I won’t charge you 15 Euros for the hash, NO don’t think I’ll even charge you 12, ladies and gentleman I give it to you,.... a hash ON ON for 10 euros!!'
more of that later.
So the run commenced......... and the scribes called their respective dogs...... Fabi had all 3 dogs shawn to the bone......... Shaggy didnґt recognise hers in the pack the whole way round.
Through riverbeds and jungles, the hashers stayed together then were diverted by a vigilante breeding birds? frogs? endangered species?. We thrashed our way though to the beer stop...... Compulsory Cava served by our Party Hares CACA and CLONK........ by this point only 2 virgins were missing in action .... luckily the Mijas hash road ran parallel to the jungle... We then tunnelled our way back to Casa Colons, refreshed ourselves with more beer and didn't wait too long for the frivolity in the garden.
Presided upon by Father Flakey one of the trio of Brothel Boys. Two Pies had unearthed the ungodly fact that no sooner had Stiffanny been deposited at Malaga airport, the boys were back at Flakeys, up to their necks in beers, football, and mischief. Gate crashing the neighbours Puti' Club to get a glimpse of what went on ...
The hose was brought out to extreme effect and every sinner was thoroughly cleansed with a good soaking from Clonk's large hose. Dog lovers, dog haters the lot!
flour please vicar........Is a prick on the tongue as good as one in the bush?
Ask Prickeator, she went for it and was duly christened, once Fabs had dispensed
with the large prick from her mouth.
More flour vicar.......Cake time and hysterics followed when Flakey tripletanuously concocted a gunky mess on CaCa, Colonic and Speedbumps, joined together at the head and subjected to the masterchefs lascivious recipe of all their wobbly bits and plenty of eggs, milk ketchup and flour.
Willy Wankersґwilly warmer was looking on top form in the hashs first designer dress..
T-shirts hand threaded by 4 yr old Shri Lankan orphans were meted out in a scrum melee, mainly due to the fact they were FREE! Thank you...Big Mac 0 to 60 – in no time.
And the big news........ Knockout 2 pies and Mermaid not only getting married on the 19th August… which is another of the hashes worst kept secrets but beating that by going on permanent honeymoon in Antigua. Note for the committee……. Organise Mijas away Hash with subsidiary on Virgin…. And will the Antigua hashers put us up in the garden if we bring our own tents.
The Birthday Hash was awarded an 8.9 bordering on 9 - which, had the marks come in after the ONON! Would surely have been a 9.9.
Tweetski Pie was our BBQ chef.. and the Elvis burgers were yumptious! DJ Elvis outdid himself again and all the frivolity from the pool began.
On Fabiґs side: there was a gaggle of piranhas trying to devower her bikini. From the other side a bunch of hashers "waterstanding" while the sharks were finding the blob of metal... the word "bastards"... was bandied about by both teams. There was just as much fun attempting to get the entire pack on to the floating waterbed. Legs and arms akimbo, dive bombers and belly floppers entertaining the non swimmers. Henry was using speed bumps bumps to hold on to place on the life raft... which had turned into Twister on the water. Gobble Her & Nailher won the wet t-shirt competition by not wearing one and Mummyґs boy launched himself in the pool, followed by his dog, who then decided to bite anyone not swimming.
Golden Cascade did not want to go in Pool, so hashers being hashers they picked her up and threw her in the pool with deck chair, as of today the Taliban toe has been amputated. :)
The Gangbang Clonk offspring all seemed at home - overflowing bar, overflowing pool…. Baby Elvis who is the spit of his Dad, was planning his next joke grimacing and winking at all the girls. Natasha tell me you’ve just been hiding a cushion up your jumper for 9 months? She looks blooming gorgeous, her video will be out for christmas.
All in all it was a fantastic day for the birthday hares and the late one! Well done and a big thank you from all the hashers......... hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray!
Shaggy and Speedbumps
Run 1157 - Aug 9th Hares: Septic Scrotum & Jim
THE “BUGGER” Run
Well there I was having a lovely cold beer and a Tapa with my Mum, on deciding another cold beer was needed I made my way back up to the bar and awaited service, it was then I glanced down at my watch !!! “Bugger” the run starts in 15 minutes!!! well that is how I became scribe.
I arrived at an empty run site 30 minutes behind the rest of the pack, if there is one thing I like is a good chase, so with “Blue” my trusty friend and son that I never had, we set off to find the trail and the rest of the pack.
After 3 attempts we eventually got out of the parking area and across a bridge spanning the A7 motorway. On On, I called to Blue who struggled to keep up with me, as I took the split trail down the road “bugger” it was the wrong way, Blue was waiting at the split for on my return, we then both took the correct split trail.
On On again on the right trail and deeper into the campo, I should be seeing all those slow buggers soon I thought “wrong” the hare took us across an obvious check point where the trail crossed another major trail but nothing? The trail continued up the hill, come on lads this is a no brainer it was such an obvious back check !!!! So Flakey the master hasher and trail sniffer extraordinare went left to an abandoned finca and some derelict pikies caravan but no trail????? “Bugger” back to the trail up the hill, the other trail was going down the hill, and I could not be arsed going down there so on up and follow the trail, well after what seemed like kilometers I came to the brow of the hill only to find a CB “Bugger” back down the hill to the spot where I was too lazy to check out.
Blue and I started to keep up a good pace, this was mainly due to the fact that we where running down hill ! through two gates and there on the next hill was the beer stop, good first half and now back with the pack I could relax have a walk and a natter with fellow hashers.
The second half took us through a council estate where “Mounty” was sqatting in a derelict house with what looked like a swimming pool which needed finishing, luckily we got through the estate without being mugged.
The highlight of the second half of the run was a stream crossing followed by a bamboo tunnel hacked thru by the hares well done boys! Next came another beer stop “bugger” more beer, great views from another derelict house (Mounty was seen checking the foundations !! another possible squat??).
On-in from here was an easy jog back to the cars, I got back only to find I had left Blues lead at the beer stop “Bugger” I will have to go back after the circle.
The circle was a dark affair; in fact it was pitch black “Jim” was named “Toxic Bollocks” and numerous things happened but I had to leave to get Blues lead.
The ON ON ON was a great bash, good food and plenty of vino.
Well done Septic Scrotum and Toxic Bollocks for a great Hash.
I think a vote of 8 was given
On On Flakey
Run 1156 - Aug 2nd Hares: Septic Scrotum & Jim
Belenmadena- Tapa crawl - 4 beer stops Marks:9.5
Run 1155 - July 26th Hares: Pussy Galore & Cuntstable Pussie
End of June on a
very very hot afternoon , one would think the hairs,( double pussy act,) would
think of us the poor hashers that come to have a wonderful afternoon , drink and
joke and have a nice short run, and just enjoy ourselves???? Nooooooooooooooo,
they do every thing but !!!!!!!! long and hard and never ending !!!! (I must
admit it I do like it but not a run)
It is probably harder to set a short and interesting run than along and boring one.
Dippers ",quote" he should know!!! after doing over 555 hashes, just ask him how it should be done properly! Don't know what to think is there a new terrorist group on the up rise on the hash???
There a conspiracy to get rid of the older hashers...., the very young...... and the Spanish man,(the only one we have) and he has suffered an injury , a broken wrist?? Will we ever see him again I wonder ??
Dogsy and yours truly are thinking we will have to retire if the runs continue to be so difficult(one good way getting rid of hashers)
Don't get me wrong I know a lot of effort goes in to setting any run and I do appreciate it,.....but.................save the long and hard for the colder days please???
loved the beer stop as everyone else did a good effort to get us tipsy and forgive them for the hardship, and they almost succeeded, the run was awarded a good 7and a 1/4 ???
The circle was short and sweet as it was getting late for the on on on , so this gorgeous sophisticated well endowed RA !!! cleansed us of our sins as usual but much quicker cant remember such a short one (the circle) for a long time-
Dipper was given a badge for 555 runs
itchy and scratchy for 5 0??
didn't make it to the on on so the report ends here.
Up Yer Bum(U.Y.B. for short)
Run 1154 - July 19th Hares: The Mountie & P.E.Defile
Some 27ish hashers assembled for this widely reported short trot in the campo run. What lies that turned out to be!!!
Mounty and Ronan formally known as P.E. Der File, were the hares to set out this weeks enjoyable stroll.
this was a 34 degree mid summer marathon which totaled 12 k!!!!
Poor Mick, a second visiting virgin was admitted to hospital the next day with exhaustion.
The galliant RA who did the whole thing was fine.
The fu***ng hares nearly killed poor El CID who is on his last legs anyway!
Well, I digress, The run went up and up and up and up................................and up and up and up to the first beer stop in Calahonda. Then down and down and down and down to the second BS in south Africa somewhere! Then the run went up and up and up and up................................and up and up and up to the cars.
The circle was called and Rownan was re named by the Almighty and powerfully, handsome (with a massive cock, by the way) RA.
WWWW suggested the name *Physical Jerk* and was excepted by the now fu**ed hashers.
Many sins and many down downs, bla de bla de bla!
Apparently the on on on ended around 1am!!!!!!
The score was 7.5 but I gave it what it should have been HASH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
Still, loved it really lads, great effort on this one. Don't forget, it's my job to break your balls a bit ;)
ON ON! Your RA. The Colon Boy
Run 1153 - July 12th Hare: Jerry Can
28 Hashers including virgin hasher Mick and a couple of visitors gathered in the hills near Elviria on a balmy Monday evening. The circle was called and Cryogenic and Freezer Bender were called in to collect hash shit for their poor run on the Sunday of the campout. Golden and Swiss Roll were also called in to commemorate Spain’s recent sporting successes, Viva Espaсa!
After the marking’s had been explained the pack set off in search of the trail. The trail was well marked and it didn’t take long for the pack to become spread out as the checks were quickly cracked by the FRB’s. As promised, the trail had a low prick factor as most of the running was on wide campo tracks. This was questioned afterwards by one of the visitors but as he arrived at the beer stop 15 minutes before the rest of the pack, I think he may have found an alternative route?
At the front of the pack the beer stop was spotted in the distance but no, we were mistaken as it was only the afore mentioned visitor enjoying a caсa in the beer garden of a local bar!
The real beer stop was found 100m further on, set in a well shaded clearing providing a welcome respite from the late evening heat. There was plenty of time for liquid refreshment as several hashers had somehow managed to get a little lost.
Leaving the beer stop the trail turned back on itself providing the opportunity for a little short-cutting by some, and rather significant short-cutting by others.
Back at the run site the circle was called, Hare Jerry called in and given an overall 8 ѕ for his efforts. Jerry was also awarded a down-down for having difficulty finding his own beer stop.
Anniversaries…several…none that I can remember though so apologies.
With the RA in charge of proceedings, many sins were cleansed including:
Returners (of which there were many)
Mick the professional stunt man for bringing work to the hash
Dicktaker and Split pussy for showing off their tattoos
Failure to wear something Spanish in recognition of the World Cup victory
Several other sins but as I suffer from ADD I can’t remember.
Finally, having completed 5 (6) runs Ronan was called in for christening. Several suggestions were put forward including Bollock Chops, Ronan Cheating and P.E. derphile. The slightly controversial P.E. derphile was voted by the assembled pack. I can only assume that it means a love of sport…
On On was held at a beach restaurant in El Rosario. As I didn’t attend I can’t comment on it.
Your scribe, P.E. derphile
Run 1152 - July 5th Hare: 5 Mil
I only turned up to sort out the hare line. To busy, going sailing. but was co erced, into doing the run, even though I only had a pair of flip flops on. So with a hash shirt borrowed from Streaky, I was classed by Flakey as being fully equipt and left to do the run, whilst he went off to the pub, excused due to his latest cosmetic surgery procedure.
We set of at the usual steaming pace only to be slowed down almost immediately to a slow trudge up to the castle, Great views and then off down the beach, a good Cb and then over the footbridge and into the campo, a couple more excellent checks that found the entire pack back together again on a plateau overlooking the Coast line.
After looking for all the obvious trails and finding every false, we eventually found the correct trail and set of again, expecting the beer stop to be just around the corner. Fooled again.
What has 5 Mil been taking! The hill of death, Lost us a few, we sent Septic down and backup to check it out. It was the right way but it was just to much for a few who decided the cars where a better option. The rest of us braved the hill, and found ourselves eventually at the beer stop pretty much all together.
A few cleansing beers and we decided it was getting late so had better find our way home, a great second half found us back in about 20 minutes, a quick circle
It was supposed to be the American Independence day run, but the lack of support for that was evident. Fortunately there where a couple of campout tshirts with wigwams on the front, and a 750 run shirt with a cowboy on so they had to suffice. And Down Downs handed out to the owners.
Anyway, thankfully 5 Mil is back on the Viagra, and set us a great run, with, I think a final average of 8.7
Your scribe Stiffanny
A very quick circle, as it was getting late, so off the the campsite for dinner, great value, fantastic Spaghetti Carbonara starter, and palatable vino 10 Euros.
Run 1151 - June 27th Hares: Radio KaKa &
Run 1149/1150 - June 18th/19th/20th - Castillo de la Frontera
Hares: Stiffanny & Flacky (Saturday) Colonic/Fender(Sunday)
And so the scene was set for a rootinґ tootinґ weekend hootenanny at the (not so) ok campsite. Expecting to be eating beans out of a tin ґa la Blazing Saddles we packed our air freshener and set off in Stifffannyґs drinksmobile with four flat tyres and a warning to go slowly and not make any sudden movements. Having been told it would take no longer than an hour we arrived three hours later to find a few thirsty revellers already there panting for some refreshments. After being shown our Des Res by Hobble, we had a shag (not with Hobble) and donned our bestest bib and tucker and made our way to the dining hall. Half starved and in need of a bevvy we found the bar being manned(?) by Streak Of Piss who offered us a long, cool drink (which was politely declined I hasten to add ‘cos you never know with him!) but he retorted ‘donґt knock it til youґve tried it’ so I had a go!!!
Anyhows as the sun went down on us!!! Lord Bender, Fender of that ilk called a circle and talked some shite before chastising anyone even remotely thinking of going to watch the Footie. Since that meant practically everyone he found himself in the (unusually) pious position of reminding all & sundry that a whole lotta effort had gone into making our dinner & we should bloody well sit down, eat and be thankful. All of a sudden his self-righteous brother Colonic decided he could not possibly go either (perhaps because he was on Gangbang sprogwatch) and so the camp was split. Should I stay or should I go? I had a bit of a Clash (geddit!) of conscious but decided my country needed me and jumped into Flakeyґs jeep where he proceeded to risk life and limb taking hairpin bends at a rate of noughts. My mind wandered to the climax of The Italian Job and I started to whistle ґSelf Preservation Societyґ which didnґt exactly inspire confidence in the female passengers who left a bit of a puddle in the back seat apparently. (You know who you are Stitched Up!).
With our appetites also whetted for the weekend ahead by the stunning scenery, we finally settled down in a bar with a screen to watch England thrash Algeria 0-0.
Slinking home dejectedly, our spirits were raised by the music & merrymaking emanating from party central where the revelry was in full flow. A delicious and much appreciated curry was served and wolfed down hungrily. After a few more snifters I felt it necessary to throw a few shapes and felt I might also have to throw up my meal as well, so sensibly retired to my scratcher only to find 5 Mil snoring like a proverbial. The party continued long into the night and it was left to Septic to turn off the lights in the wee small hours which he did and then duly fell down a gorge in the dark looking for his tent. Could have something to do with the copious amounts of alcohol he had thrown down his neck in order to drown his sorrows after the England fiasco. Anyway Limp-Toed Scrotum has a certain ring to it!!
Having finally managed some shuteye I found myself up at the crack of dawn (dawn wasnґt very happy about it so I made my excuses and left) and proceeded to the breakfast bar for the promised full English extravaganza. Well what can one say except, bravo chef! Having stuffed my face with bacon, eggs and yummy sausages I fancied a bit of toast, but no, this was denied me and the other hungry hashers ґcos someone, who shall remain nameless, had scoffed it and left the rest out for the dogs. Okay that Labrador did look a bit peckish (photos anyone?) but still and all!
With four hours to kill the sensible thing would have been to visit the castle, but hey! weґll be going to that tomorrow we thought, wonґt we? How wrong can you be! However THAT saga is for another day and another scribe! So we decided on a lazy afternoon before the big run at 3 OґClock. Pre-run circle was held and we were warned of the high prick risk factor, but just looking at Hare Flakey was warning enough, as he looked like heґd been self harming with one of the scary sharp kitchen knives that nearly had Pussyґs finger off (coulda renamed her fingerbobbed or fingered pussy!).
So with a maximum of fuss and much ado about very little the Hares Stifffanny and Flakey explained what was going on and what the markings meant but there was no virgins and no visitors so we all knew the score anyway and set off into the great unknown. And what a run it was! The shaded forest was perfect for running and we were kept cool by the river running along side us. The flora and the fauna would need a Wordsworth to do it justice, so suffice to say it was a greatly enjoyable and worthwhile way to spend a summer afternoon and well done the hares for the great effort that was expended on our behalf. Beer stop a couple of hours later took in some fantastic views of Gib and, refreshed, we set off again over some magnificent, big pipes (no not Speedbumps), and back along the side of the river to base camp.
As everyone sat around adrinking and achatting and re-enacting Russias Got Talent (courtesy of Tweetskie-Pie), I was despatched to source some ice. Being the loyal servant that I am, I duly set about my task with not a whimper of complaint, and how was I to be rewarded when I returned back later with said ice to find the circle already started ? Yes , youґve guessed it, I was made scribe for the day! Not wanting to dwell on the injustice of it all I bit my lip and silently cursed Fender who thinks heґs a bit of a rocknroller but heґs really more country and western so I just call him cunt for short! The run was a unanimous success and marks of 9.75 were awarded and the superlatives flowed and we all hugged and sang and made love (no, not really).
Circle on, and all hell broke loose as Colonic thought it was a good idea to have a buckinґbronco competition with Radio kaka versus Hugh, all I can say is I hope she had underwear on, although it was probably an interesting shade of brown by the end of it. Hugh? Well Hugh just looked like a rabbit caught in the headlamps. The competition was promptly despatched to the bin marked ґseemed like a good idea at the timeґ and abnormal service resumed with a christening for Pussyґs daughter who now sports the hash moniker Dicktaker, even though Pokercuntas would have been much more apt in the circumstances (i.e. she was dressed as an Indian squaw!) It was suggested Pokercuntas was unsuitable for someone of her tender years. Ah Dicktaker is much more acceptable then? Nobody said reason or logic had to come into it, did they? More down downs were awarded to Just Say Gwen for best Cowboy outfit, (where does she get her chaps?) and Arseholy for telling everyone earlier the mud wasґnt THAT deep and then disappearing leaving practically only her head in view like something out of Apocalypse Now! Flakey was also outed as a bit of a paedo with a penchant for young Itchy or was it Scratchy, which reminds me for (no apparent reason) that Kindergarden Kop is scheduled for a renaming!
On and On and On it went until Colonic absolved us one and all and we shuffled off to the food hut for our much anticipated barbecue with plenty of ribs, sausages, salads and fresh trout to be had and of course more wine and beer, not to mention some strong tasting sasperillas. Streaky had us all up doing some line dancing, although I think she would be more at home round a pole and I donґt mean a totem pole!! Speedbumps introduced her new best friend , a bewildered looking stray cyclist who she had designs on and who thanked us the next day for an interesting evening!! Make of that what you will.
As the almost obligatory hash conga weaved its way round the tables I disappeared to my hammock in anticipation of the next days run which was bound to be spectacular. Was it not?
Lest we forget. A big thank you to Rubherturd and Spermaid for kindly donating this years Campout T-shirt in remembrance of Limp-Toed Sloth who passed away earlier this year. Gone but not forgotten.
Y ґall have a nice day now!
To be continued………….
Dogs Bollox (Ghost-writer: Mary Hinge)
Scribe Report (Donkey Sheet) Run number 1150 Hair of the Dog run. Campout Weekend at, La Jarandilla, Castillo de la Frontera. 20th June 2010. Hares:- Cryogenic Irrigation & Freezer Bender.
The circle was called, by Hash Mattress at about 1100 hrs. What a splendid job she did. The two perpetrators of the previous day’s “Rocking Horse Rodeo” were suitably chastised. The Hares described the run, which strangely enough did not require a convoy of 4x4 vehicles!!!!!!
The hounds set off from the campsite, to a check at the entrance of the campsite. Many of the hounds followed the most obvious route, only to find, it wasn’t. Shame! This was followed by a fairly long checkback, which was followed by more checks, checkbacks, split trails, (by the way, all falses marked) and an absolutely stunning beerstop, which doubled as a mega checkback, all the way to the campsite. Short, yes! Tarmac, sorry! Those of you who spent most of the weekend begging us to do just that and there were many of you, must have loved that. Strange about memories!!!! Those of you who didn’t like it. Get over it. It was our run not yours. It was not the worst you have ever done and you will do worse again.
Everyone got back to the campsite, in plenty of time for the circle, the meal, packing up, and setting off for home in daylight.
At the beerstop, it was quite apparent, that there was some amongst the hounds who were not totally appreciative of the hare’s efforts, the giveaway signs were, ice on the car seats old beer cans etc. Not a problem in a battered old 4x4, but on the high quality leather seats of a recently purchased, expensive car, not a good idea. We would also be very appreciative, if whoever was trying to force the rear seats of Fender Benders car open, (beats us what you were trying to put in there) would you please contact FB and advise how you are going to put right the damage that was done. It would be a shame if the hash had to pay for the repairs. This was a Hash guys, put it in perspective.
Back at the campsite, it was time for the circle. The Hash Mattress called the hares, to account for their sins. Apparently, there were quite a lot of them. First, Cryogenic Irrigation was sat on the ice, whilst the first half of the “stage managed” circle, called for blood. Then Freezer Bender was sat on ice, whilst the other half of the “stage managed” circle called for blood. We got Hash Shit!!!!! No problem. We are big boys. Hash Shit is an honour. We wear it with pride. The strange thing though, is that, although there were a few Hashers who had the courage of their convictions and marked the hash on what few merits it had, many of the baying pack, calling for hash shit, were the same hashers who spent most of the weekend begging us to set a “nice” short easy run. Many more of the disenchanted haven’t been seen on the hareline for what seems to be decades. Practice what you preach guys.
Hash Mattress then handed the circle over to the RA. We thought it was going to be Flakey, but it looked more like, Roy Bean or Hanging Judge Jefferies, or maybe even Atilla the Hun. Anyway, he had all the beer and softies removed from the large cool boxes and incarcerated us in them, covered in ice. Thought we had already been iced. We were in those cool boxes for about nine hours. If you think that is exaggeration, you try sitting in ice for as long as we did and then tell us how long you were in there.
Hanging Judge Bean the Hun, then proceeded to invite Radio Caca to repeat the quiz she had prepared for the geeks and nerds of San Pedro, on the previous Thursday. We think Omar Khayam spent less time on his Rubiat. Anything to prolong the agony. Well, we suppose that, if you all didn’t have fun on the run, at least you did in the circle. Strange thing is though. I don’t remember anyone getting injured. I don’t remember anyone having to be rushed to hospital. I don’t remember Hashers arriving back half dead. Ring any bells!!!!!!! Last years Hares only got Hash Shit. And, last year, on the hair of the dog run, we got every accolade available for doing exactly the same as this year. Picky picky. Isn’t it strange though, you know the saying, “ revenge is a dish best served cold.” Watch this space!!!! By the way, when you spend that long in ice, you loose control of your faculties. So watch what you drink out of those cool boxes. The Religious Adviser further prolonged the agony with a succession of other sinners for a variety of reasons, such as anyone who actually gave the run a mark. Hobble Gobble for cooking without gas, or even electricity. Stifita for trying to pump up the world and Arseholey for something, but by then the grey matter had fully frozen and I can’t remember.
Eventually the RA got bored or couldn’t think of anything more to torture the hares for and handed the circle back to the Grand Mattress, who didn’t exactly show alacrity in releasing the shivering sinners, but eventually did and the circle gradually drew to a close.
After thawing out in a hot shower, another sumptuous meal was enjoyed. How Stiffanny managed all those meals on the budget of e35 per head I really can’t imagine, but I am sure I speak for everyone in saying a tremendous Well Done to the principle Hares, for a wonderful weekend.
Role on next Campout.
Your Hash Shits.
Run 1148 - June 13th - Barranco Blanco - Hare: Swiss Roll
The assembled mob of poorly coiffured hashers (apart from Veuve and your scribe) converged on the valley floor at Barranco Blanco…. Swiss greeting us all with a beaming smile as the sun had come out and plenty of hashers made it to the run site.
3 virgins, a few returners, a host of regulars and an army of dogs made up the pack. We were called to order and made to shuffle over to the markings which were outside of the circle. Once off it was a check immediately, the pack scattering and ON ON calls came from all over place. We finally headed off along the shredded/flour route. Mindy skipping along and leaping over ravines. Yogi taking up the rear with his trusty lens and Septic assisting Slipadictomy in avoiding Kinder. Cop was popping up like a merkat on heat at every hillock… and there were plenty of hillocks on this run, then a 26 foot drop from a CB to the route which was to take lead us in to the jungles of Apocalypse Now, Hobble’s Tenko nightmare.
Veuve Clitot was incognito in her newly grown locks, recognisable only by the bottle of Vino Sol in her grip….I wasn’t sure if it was Joanna Lumley making a cameo appearance.
We trekked deeper in to the bush and full of pricks it was. If the hash did talent shows it would be… I’m a Hasher get this prick out of here!… The jungle weeds were attacking us at every twist and turn till we finally made it the cooling waters of the Rio …Whereupon most people at the first sign of water knew they might as well just wade through it than try and avoid it…. KaKa, UYB, Tight Arse all having a jolley good go of doggy paddling through the most treacherous bit… it was Martin who REALLY showed them….. and teaching Veuve’s Waterdog how to do it. When we finally got to the waterfall….after several near death slips from the rocks, a kind of survival euphoria took over the mob. The gushing cascade had several stripping off and demonstrating how the advert should have looked. The very same shampoo would have sold far better with Kaka or Speedbumps or better still both of them under the waterfall not the visitor who flung off everything but his grundies.
Eggshell, who was with Fab Tastard and his girlfriend – a virgin, was relieved to find the run far from boring when Speedbumps she split her shorts.
Hobble was hyperventilating after finishing the first half by the skin of her knees, Summer skidding around on some wet rocks and Fender trying to save his phone and cigs from water damage…
Yogi decided Polly the dog was more important and dived in forgetting he was hashflash and had the camera…..one thing you can always rely on Yogi for….. coming back injured.. and showing his arse…. Depending on the photos he got, wrecking yet another camera… who has ever sweated a camera to destruction…. First the bed, now the cameras… what pictures are you taking Yogi?
Second half after a well earned rest…… we thought was just a straight hike back to the circle.. it turned out to be more interesting than that! Tight Arse claiming he knew the split trail would bear right and be breathtaking, only to find an F, before he actually saw anything of the views in the valley…. a karma chameleon in training.
The Circle, This was nominated for the best beer stop ever…..the hares fearless.
At this juncture it should be pointed out that most of this hash was set by Just say Gwen…. Who received no credit, not even a mention….until now… and only because I am so late in sending this, I’ve caught up with the jungle bunny!
There were many down downs and Anniversarios, none of which I can remember except for Karma Chameleons joke which was the funniest ever because there was no start and no punchline… my kind of joke!
The ON ON… bring your own stale sandwiches and Opencor Gazpacho was I’m told a rather hurried affair with everyone’s nuts and nipples freezing. But the main thing is that it was a fabulous day and a wonderful birthday for our wonderful Swiss Roll …. ON ON!
Run 1147 - June 6th - La Cala
I can not remember the last time I wrote a scribe as I am always on my Best!! behaviour in the circle and never late always on time.......... Well Not this time as I was quite late arriving but on arriving my new HC Ass was performing her duties & had all the money collected for me and ready to go.Tx Streaky.
About 30 hashers gathered for the hares birthday run, Yogi and J.S.Gwen at La Cala. Circle was called and hares did the usual flour markings that we all by now know, or do we?? Yogi decided to do markings a la UK style so as to confuse the already confused bunch.
We set off in the afternoon sun, down into the dry river bed, (I thought we had a lot of rain during the winter?), Flappy foreskin & and Ronan at the front checking it all out for us or this is what is suppose to happen, but they got slightly confused and couldn't agree on these new & strange flour markings hence the pack going up and down the hill on a number of times and desperately looking for a bit of shade and the Bs sign as it was soo hot.
Once on the correct trail, found by Golden, the views where breathtaking and as we walked through the tall grasses and all the wonderful smells of freshly trod on flowers and wild garlic hit our smell senses we forgot about the horrid hill.
Lots of circles in flour kept the pack together, (these were checks by the way)!,and we all arrived at the BS relatively together, except for 1 hasher of course which was heading down to the second BS. Can anyone guess who this was??
From the Second BS to the On In it was relatively short but we had to cross a Wet River this time and Speed Bumps not wanting to get her dogs feet wet gave her a piggy back mutch to the annoyance of The Mounty as he wanted to mount her also!!:)hope you 2 had a good night at the disco.
Once back the circle was formed and scores were given and a worthy 8.9 was awarded. Would have been a 9 if they had bought cava for the BS!Cheap skates!!
It was then time for FB to act as standing RA, (he quickly got demoted I must say):) and cleansed us of our sins with lots of beer, Sinners where brought in for all sorts of things which a few of them if I can recall are as follows.
UYB for getting overheated on the run and having to catch a lift back in the hares car, The Mounty for not doing a scribe since the last run which was about........................20 years ago??!!!
Yogi for long distance running in the circle and saying that he was a marathon runner and lots of other bs!!. ha ha Karma, Hobble,Mindy,Sheep Shagger and yes Fender Bender for shortcutting though he did not want to admit it in the circle!!.
Pussy Galore for trying to Kill her dog on the road, but her scream stopped him in his tracks and so did the hashers that where around her! and hence this saving his life. Should be renamed Lucky, what a lucky escape and hope this will be a lesson for all you dog owners and lovers than when there is a road put them on a lead or give them a piggy back!!
Septic for New Shoes and Slipadictome for not wearing hash gear and comming as the black widow.
Speed bumps called in for telling a naughty joke, can anyone remember it? I can and it goes like this... " What smells worse than a boqueron"?..... answer...... A boqueron's c.u.n.t", Very distasteful I say!
Yogi for being a bit Wobbly after leaving Wobbly Bob's bar and falling off his motorbike and having to stuff his pockets with motorbike bits as he damaged the poor thing, and I am sure lot's more sinners were called in but I can't recall all, sorry if I missed anyone out.
Names where put forward once again for Pussy Galores daughter and suggestions like Hot Pussy and Pussycat where discarded for the 4th time,.. maybe next time.
On On was anounced and 17 of us went for Roast Beef and Y Pudding with all the trimmings at Dibley's in La Cala which was superb.
A birthday song was sung by us all as the waitress came out from behind the screen with a peace of cake and a lit candle on it, and Yogi all emotional got up from his chair and awaited the arrival of his cake, mutch to his surprise the cake was not for him but for a young 8 year old boy called John who was also celebrating his birthday, so Yogi got a bit upset and pulled his Big Pants down in front of all the diners, yes you read it in front of All &, this Big Hairy Bottom and some other bits also where on display. I am sure little Johny will never forget his 8th birthday in a hurry and nor will the other diners forget Yogi's Big Hairy Arse!!
The topic of conversation on the tables seemed to be about Sex, different types of Durex creams and gels and Viagra for women but the best one came from Willy Warmer and "wetting the bed", A great On On was had by all, Thanks to the 2 Birthday hares for a great day.
Aniversarios: Knockout 195 runs,Dogs Bollox 555 runs,UYB 415 runs,Flappy foreskin 5 runs,S Bumps 60 runs,W Wanker 180 runs,Mary Hinge 20 runs.
Your Scribe Golden Cascade. x :)
Run 1145/1146 - May 29th-31st - Cazorla
Run 1144 (again) May 22nd HARES: Sir Sparky & HMV assisted by Nipper
Dafodildos Photos (Click here)
A group of about 35ish, like minded nutters, who where all wishing they had gone to the beach, turned up for the run. Roll on Monday running…..
The pack was assembled, photos taken, and off we went, it was confusing to say the least, but what’s new, it would not be the hash if we were not confused. However, when only two hashers actually completed the first half of the run, it must have been very confusing.
For the rest of us, we all arrived at the beer stop in record time, and had lots of time to scoff crisps and drink copious amounts of not quite cold enough beer, whilst waiting for the not quite lost Pussy Galore and Golden Cascade.
We gave up waiting, after being told that they would be quite some time and set off for the second half, very enjoyable and with the hares back before us and PG and GC back in the fold, the circle was called. I think the run score was about 7. +++
With our new RA Colonic taking the day of without a sick note, our new Arch dickin Flakey, had to step up.
Bereft of his beloved robe ( stolen, or misplaced ) the lack of respect in the circle was apparent with the Kodak kids leaping around the circle making the paparazzi seem like Japanese tourists, and Up yer bum, doing a great impression of Guy Ritchie, directing the show.
I cant remember much it was all too distracting, and I had far to many beers at the beer stop, but sins were cleansed; PG and GC for not calling and going of to do their own run and leaving the rest of us to go the wrong way.
The spec saver award went to Daffy Dildo, for getting into the wrong car at the petrol station and frightening small children.
Ronan was called in to be named, about time, but had a stay of execution, as Bollock chops did not go down too well, so we need to work on that one.
Circle closed we parted for the On On On to a great little venta 3 couses, a litre of vino all for 11 euros.
Well done hares.
Your scribe Stiffanny
Run 1143 HARES: Fender & Flakey
Well here I am again doing Hash Scribe it only seems yesteryear since the last time ,ok it was last decade but who s counting .
I will start with the AGM 3pm kick off at Baranco Blanco ,GM Dipper chaired the meeting ,well not chaired exactly ,because he didn’t have one so you could say he stood the meeting but I digress out went the old gang and in came the new .
Details will follow I am sure.
Now the run set off at 4pm run no 1143/1144
Iam edging my bets because it was announced as no 1144 and even sewn onto our teashirts but stiffany got a down down for getting it wrong ,I kept well out of it because several of our members ( mostly women) had been involved in fisty cuffs that week what is the hash coming to ? Oh well they always said they were a rough lot .
Hares fender bender and flakey set the usual ball breaker of a run ,we set off with about 45 runners but swelled to over 50 by the time lost souls caught up .I have run that area 3 times and this run was the reverse of the last time but with fabulous views the hares managed 8 ѕ ( I WOULD HAVE GIVEN THEN 3 BUT NOBODY ASKED ME)
To the circle 3 virgins were called in all blokes so we past on quickly to anniversaries notably kindergarden kop or dave 240 runs ,Kama chamelian 255 and the saddest bastard of the day mummy s boy 275 ,sins were cleansed and since it was mummy s boy s birthday the RA decided a fresh salad was more fitting then a cake so the ingredients were placed on his head and tossed ,the salad I mean ,seasoned and tossed . with Flakey and colonic switching roles from RA to ARCHDEACON and visa versa a long but most enjoyable circle was had and 8pm we moved off to the Booma Restaurant .
Nice to see my old friend Elephant ass looking as youthful as ever ,perhaps a young Chinese bride might suit me ( yes 5mil please)
Also wishing Veuve clitoris a speedy recovery keep hashing on
Dafodildos Photos (Click here)
Run 1142 HARES: Shaggi & Speedbumps
Xavia weekend - Radio Kaka & Mummyґs Boy took a few pictures HHH XABIA 2010
Run 1141 HARES: Fender and Hobbleґs marks: 7.5.
Well, so what a lovely day for a run in Alorin!
Some 30 odd hashers, virgins and visitors turned up at the run start in the middle of nowhere!
At 15.09 His Royal GM ship called the circle and straight away Spermaid and Yogi were brought in for new shoes!
The hares Fender Bender (Rudolf Hucker) and Hobble Gobble (Bollock Chops) showed us the way, well down the road to a 34 km CB to the start actually! I stayed at the start to finish my beer which turned out to be the right thing to do!
The pack went up the hill of death whilst I ran along the 2km lane to the BS. What a BS it was too! (Lots of pleasure for me with crisps, mini pancakes with cheese and sweet chili sauce, biscuits and large amounts of Brandy and coke and beer!)
The reason for the long BS was that some people got lost!!! Speed Bumps was last.
Then off we went again around the back way up and down to the cars.
His GM ship then threatened everyone that if they misbehaved he would make them drink from his cock!
Several Aniversarios were rewarded with a beer for putting up with his running rubbish, can’t remember who now. I was getting a pit piddled!
His worship the Arch Deacon of Mijas then took the circle and chastised as many sinners as he could for countless sins that week.
Sex on the hash.
Pregnant boys and Girls.
Carrying an offensive wife.
Walking on the cracks in the pavement.
Looking at him in a funny way.etc.
Then our first impromptu wedding of Yogi and Katy. Who were joined in holy wedlock and promised to be unfaithful at all times.
They wee then covered in flower to add to their enjoyment of the ceremony.
The Arched Deacon then performed the traditional naming ceremony for Stacey, the Arched Deacons offspring.
She was then named in true HHH fashion ASS HOLY.
Before the circle was closed his holiness pleasured the group with a wedding ditty and was then ordered to drink from the GMґs cock (not the first time I might add and this one was a rubber chicken)
The on on on was cancelled at he last minute that day so we all ended up in the restaurant opposite for a very tasty spread of Spanish fare.
Gold bless every one of us, well except for Gang Plank who doesn’t count.
Well done Rudolf and Bollock Chops!
Your Arched Dick.
Colonic Irrigation. X
St. Georges Day Run 1140 HARES: Dafodildo & Fender Run score 9.36
Dafodildoґs Pics here:
Due to me being the last to arrive at the hash this week I have been given the ignominious honour of hash scribe. The hash meeting point was at a small picnic site on the edge of Guaro pueblo. I arrived just in time to meander my car through a pack that was setting off on the trail. Despite swerving several times I was unable to nail any of the copious amount of hash hounds that were present.
After parking I grabbed a quick beer (it is the hash after all) and set of to catch the pack, with sceptic scrotum, who was just as late as me and colonic who was just to lazy to actually start the hash until he was the only one left and had no option. Within a few hundred yards Shagadelic who was in a small group at the back of the pack turned and shouted to us that she was not on trail and was actually shortcutting. Obviously like a latter day Mata Hari she had slept with the hare to gain secret information on the trail and therefore knew where the best shortcuts could be made. Sceptic and I turned back to find the trail. Colonic was over the moon, by joining Shaggy’s group he had saved himself at least half a mile of trail.
Sceptic and I picked up the trail which led us down through a small avocado grove/allotment before turning up into the pueblo. The trail wound through the quiet streets and I thought to my self, all very quaint but with all this stunning countryside around here why are we on tarmac??? There were check’s a plenty but the kind, thoughtful FRB’s had had the forethought to scrub out the relevant parts making our progress through the streets relatively rapid. Suddenly we came to a small plaza, at the entrance there was a check and those selfish, useless non thinking front running bastards hadn’t scrubbed it out!!! There were 5 exits from the plaza. This was going to take an age to check out. Sceptic started trudging up one of the side streets saying “I’ll check this one.” I looked at the remaining options and thought sod this!!! I asked one of the locals if they had seen a large group of slightly mad looking Guiri’s pass this way. She pointed down the hill and shouting Sceptic we set off again. We were back on trail.
The trail led up a stupidly steep hill and out of the pueblo onto a dirt road, at last heading in to campo. It was a surprisingly warm day and although we had only been walking for about 15 minutes I had managed to work up a sweat. By now we were catching up with the back markers (mummy’s boy and Mindi.) Passing them we came to a BS sign!!! Beer stop already well what a shit hash. We’ve only just got going and we are at the beer stop. However this was just the first beer stop I was told and more importantly there was no beer!!!! However there was Vodka Jelly. That’s a new one on me. Tried it, couldn’t really taste the Vodka but there was definitely something erotic about sticking your finger in the jelly and wiggling it around (so I am told by a reliable source.)
After five minutes of chatting and fingering jelly we were off again, the trail soon going off the dirt road, up another stupidly steep hill and into the campo. The trail was incredibly well marked considering the flour must have been put out with a tea spoon. Marked at regular intervals and plenty of checks to keep the FRB’s in line.
The hare had warned us that a change of shoes would be necessary and all to soon we came to see why. A river (well big stream) had to be crossed. The cool of the water a welcome relief from the heat. However no sooner were we in it than we were out the other side, on the side of another stupidly steep hill and yet another check. The pack was spread halfway back to Marbella before the trail was picked up and we were off again. Up hill and down dale until we were back on a dirt road and the beer stop could be seen at the bottom of the hill.
The beer stop was at the side of a river crossing and it wasn’t many minutes after the pack arrived before they (myself included) were wading in the river enjoying the cool water after a long hot first half. Of course there is always one (with the hash, most actually.) And it wasn’t long before Speed bumps and Dafodildo were in the river swimming, closely followed by Radio ka ka and a couple of others. All of them blissfully unaware that Colonic was pissing into the river up stream of where they were swimming. Eventually on on was called and the pack set off again. Radio ka ka and Speed bumps looking great in their wet clinging t shirts. Radio ka ka also had on tiny white shorts which had gone completely see through now they were wet. (There is a god after all.) No sooner were we out of the river than we were back in it again the trail taking us down stream for about 500 meters. Notably colonic’s daughter (as yet unnamed) decided although the water was only two foot deep it might be nice to try swimming downstream instead of walking. The trail eventually left the riverbed to go up through an orange grove with all the trees in blossom. Reet pretty it was. And it kept on going up and the orange trees turned to almond trees. Radio ka ka was impressed she hadn’t seen almonds on a tree before. I made a non committal hmmm sound. I was still transfixed by her see through shorts and the trail still went up!! I would have stopped for a rest (I was panting like a carthorse) but that would have meant the see through bum would have gone on ahead and I would of lost it.
Coming out on to a dirt road we were walking up (again) when Radio Ka Ka and I found a small turtle/terrapin crossing the road. He looked very hot and rather thirsty I fear and was swiftly returned to the stream by Willy Wanker’s Willy Warmer. Eventually the ON IN sign was spotted and we were headed back to the picnic site. As we were coming in to the last 100 meters Radio Ka Ka came running pats me shouting race ya. Now obviously I wouldn’t take part in any form of competitive running but on the other hand I couldn’t just let that see through bum disappear into the distance. The only thing I could do was give chase.
After much beer drinking and changing of soggy footwear the circle was called. The run was given a resounding 9.36 (or somewhere around there) and said by several hashers to be the best run of the year so far. The GM also awarded the RA a down down for arriving at the beer stop with dry feet. Only possible if you have short cutted. The RA then came into the circle to cleanse the rest of the hash. As is the norm many hashers seem to have been sinful (far to many for me to remember.) I do remember Yogi was punished several times and given the ARM on one occasion. However he was so crap at it his virgin colleague was brought in to the circle to show him how to do it properly. Radio Ka ka also quaffed copious amounts of ale for all her sins (can’t remember what they were though.) There was a very young French lad, who was a hash virgin punished mercilessly for his many supposed sins. Never mind he was French and therefore obviously guilty of all of them. To finish the circle Sue (if you are not sure who, think Kindergarten) was brought in for her naming, having completed five runs. Gangplank was determined she should be named wasted pussy. I argued against this as we already have a wasted pussy albeit she doesn’t come any more!!! Strapadictome was firm favourite for a long time (refering to the way kindergarten is never far away) but was eventually changed to Slipadictome. With all formalities completed the circle was closed and it was on to the on on.
Being a tight antisocial git I did not go to the on on. However I am reliably informed by an un named source that it was shit. Gang plank was most put out there was not enough wine to go around. (Gangplank was given hash shit for a crap on on.) there were only 8 bottles of wine between 30 hashers, there was large quantities of sangria but it tasted crap and the food was a pile of pooh (so I’m told.)
That’s it. That was last weeks hash and if you missed it, you did miss out.. See you next week.
Red Dress Run 1139 HARES: Dipper and Kharma MARKS: 8.7
After getting over the initial shock to the system that yes, 8.30a.m does actually exist on a Sunday morning it was time to adorn the obligatory red dress and depart for central Malaga accompanied by two fellow hashers.
It was a fine, beautiful, sunny morning (oops – I think I must have drifted back into a dream state!) … It was a cold, wet Andalucian day. However, a little rain never dampens the spirits of the hashers so we all followed the Hare’s superb directions (although our chauffer, Gangplank, did tell Kinder and I that the kilometer guidance distances were not quite correct!) to the Gibralfaro. What a sight to behold … 30 ravishing, raucous, red dressed hashers all congregated together and were raring to run and follow the expertly laid out run. Unfortunately that’s where we went wrong before we had even started – there wasn’t actually a run to follow!
The Hares called for the pre-hash circle and the hounds were told excuse after excuse, after excuse as to why there was no laid run to follow. There was no flour, no chalk, nor any shredded paper to be seen – not even an old tissue was going to be found to guide us along our merry way – and yes, you’ve guessed it … it was all blamed on the rain! But, low and behold, we were told not to despair because we were going to have our very own tour guides to lead us through the beautiful, soggy streets of Malaga – that is, we could follow the hares at a comfortable strolling pace. So after admiring each other’s dress sense, or not, and the buxom beauty Yogi, we descended the hill down into the depths of Malaga.
The first beer stop was at a corner bar where some of the hashers, myself included, enjoyed sneaking a peek at the end of the Chinese Grand Prix whilst downing our tipple. There was a slight technical hitch when it was time to leave as the Hares had omitted to take any money with them to pay the bill! They had though bless them remembered to take the key bag along. So after they had sold their bodies and completed a spot of washing up, the bill was paid by a kindly Samaritan hasher as the Hares didn’t make enough money to pay for one beer/coffee, let alone 30! Finally the hounds were unleashed again and the tour continued. We hopped, skipped and jumped through the puddles to a rather splendid rendition of, ‘We’re singing in the rain’.
The second, yes second, beer stop was then upon us. We all congregated outside a little Russian supermarket and bottles of beer/water were handed round. Some hashers were almost convinced that it had stopped raining after downing a half litre bottle of 11% Russian beer. For other hashers the beer fumes were enough to make them feel all warm and tingly inside! After Colonic’s quick shopping spree to buy caviar, it was announced that it was time to move onwards and upwards, upwards, upwards. The hill back to Gibralfaro was successfully conquered and we arrived back at the cars where a perplexed Swiss Roll was waiting for us. The poor love had missed the start of the run due to another hasher’s need for ‘just 5 minutes more in bed’ – yes Speedbumps, you know who you are! Who were the 5 minutes with though?! That was the question on everyone’s lips!
By now the heavens had dried up and we were all looking forward to a bright, cheerful, dry circle but oh no – we waited until it had started to rain again and then the circle was called! With a brolly in one hand and a drink in the other, we were ready to be cleansed!
The Hares were scolded for the weather and for not having used, flour, chalk or paper. However they were reprieved because they’d kept the hounds together, the beer stops were great and a Sunday morning stroll around Malaga was exactly what the doctor had ordered to blow away all of our cobwebs! Overall they scored 8.7.
The anniversaries were than called into the circle. Dipper for 550 runs, Flakey and Up yer Bum for 410 runs (some made their own conclusions as to why they’d completed the same number!) and Fender Bender and Hobble Gobble for 140 runs.
The afore mentioned Speedbumps then screeched into the car park and proceeded to greet each and every hasher around the circle before being called into the circle to be punished for having left Swiss Roll wet and stranded down on the coast. Her punishment was to be 8.7 lashes of the whip on the derriere, to be administered by Swiss Roll. Due to Speedbump’s enjoyment and the male hasher’s inability to correctly count to 8 (I wonder why?!) 20 or so lashes were received before her down down.
The best red dressed beauties, the worst red dressed beauties, the dress the same as your partner red dress beauties, the most expensively dressed red dressed beauties and the where the hell is your red dress beauties were all, at one time or another during the course of the circle, down downed!
A brief time out was taken whilst we posed for photographs, which were not this time taken by our resident hash flash, Yogi, but by hoards of tourists who were passing by on the aptly coloured red Malaga Tour bus. Just think, next week we could all be in photo albums, and pinned on notice boards, all over the world. Of course, 30 red dressed ravishing, raven beauties won the number one top hot spot for things to do and see in Malaga yesterday. Surely we were a more impressive sight to behold than some old castle!
The circle was brought back to order, where upon, one poor hasher, (who luckily is yet to be christened with her hash name and therefore shall remain nameless!) was called into the circle several times for having gained the attentions of a few of her fellow hashers, or so it was implied! Her suitors were called into the circle too and it was decreed that whomever she chose out of the line-up had to sit next to her during the On On and pay for her meal too – the poor bloke! After a little help from Hobble Gobble, the suitors were out maneuvered by Tone the Bone, who was innocently standing by minding his own business until being dragged into the circle to become better acquainted with the nameless hasher!
More down downs took place, along with a joke about a cow – did anyone catch the ending of it?! It was then time to officially close the circle as we’d all been cleansed. We headed off, convoy style, to the Frascati Pizzeria in the Guadalmar urbanization. An excellent Italian meal and wine was enjoyed by all, the food was delicious and nearly everyone was happy with whom they were sitting next too! The wine and conversation flowed until it was time to leave and so take our separate ways, well almost separate ways, back to our sofas and slippers.
All-in-all it was a splendid day, well worth getting up early for. And incase you were wondering … yes … Tone the Bone did pay for the nameless hasher’s meal!!! Bless him – thank you very much.
Your scribe Sue (soon to be christened Phoenix!!! HeHeHe!!!!!)
RUN NUMBER: 1138
HARES: Pussy Galore & Streaky MARKS: 8.90
ANNIVERSARIOS: Yogi 40 & Two Pies 190
Well before I rave on about the best On On EVER I guess I should comment on the run. Firstly, it was nice to see Kharma & Golden Cascade back from their cruise, and Gangplank and Gwen from South Africa, as well as Swiss Roll who had returned from her massage course in Thailand (do I hear free massages on offer from someone other than Dipper?!)
The run site was nice and easy to find as it was exactly the same one as last week. In fact you could still see the flower markings on the ground from last weeks circle.
The run was very well marked, with lots of nice checks. When we got up to the demolished castle (and another check) we searched for a possible route, only to find that we had to go down a ridiculously steep hill with no visible path what so ever. It was a mission and a half...and many people fell or stumbled at least once. There were also more pricks than any lady should have to deal with in one Sunday afternoon. Now Iґm all for a few pricks on a Sunday afternoon (if youґre not, you shouldnґt bother going on the hash) but this was a bit silly. Bleeding and scarring is a sure sign of too many pricks if you ask me.
Talking of pricks (only kidding) Salmonella Rushdie obviously wanted to use his, as each time you saw him he had his arm round a different woman! Maybe the Malaga hashers arenґt so friendly as us?!
We then ended up in the most beautiful meadow with pretty flowers (which also impressed Kindergarten) which compelled me to spread my arms, and spin around doing my best Julie Andrews impression singing ґThe Hills are Aliveґ Magical.
Then Tight Ass brought me back down to reality with a bump with his fog horn like ґON ONґ and I realised that Captain Von Trapp was not about to come and sweep me off my feet. :(
The beer stop was, well, a beer stop, with a handy wall nearby, the perfect height for peeing behind.
We started the 2nd half shortly arriving at a half demolished or half finished (you never know these days) building where Salmonella propositioned to take Suckya Cocka through the bedroom. Thankfully they didnґt, as I donґt think she would have made it out alive.
We then appeared to be in the depths of the jungle in Borneo, with plenty of bamboo to hold onto to help us along our way. I think Suckya Cocka was hoping that Tarzan might come swinging through the trees, but no. Just Salmonella.
Then some uphill with yet again more pricks than you could shake a stick at, although Fender Bender assured me that was one of the benefits of having a stick.
I actually did more running than Iґve done before, which was nice, but did make me almost as red faced as Constable Pussy.
The circle commenced and after our GM Dipper told us about his limp cock and the fact that he would be kicking the donkey instead, our RA Flaky took over and started by making us all get a drink. He then said a few words about the recently departed Limp Toed, and we did 30 seconds silence and a down down in tribute to him. (although Flaky almost had us doing 30 minutes!) RIP Tommy.
There was a christening made of Pussy Galoreґs daughter, who is now Split Pussy. As in she can do the splits. What else would it mean? We tried to name Sue, who almost became Suenami, but then it was decided that we would wait until a better name came up. Hobble Gobble piped up with the suggestion of Sponge Minge, which was hilariously funny but no-one had any idea what reference this was to Sue. Well, maybe Kindergarten did, or at least hoped to anyway.
There was lots of misnomers in the circle, plus Gangplank revealed his more than slightly disturbing wanking incident over a National Geographic magazine. I canґt really remember anymore about it. I think I purposely blocked it out.
We then proceeded to the On On which was fantastic value at 10€ for three courses. You could even choose from the Carte Dґor ice cream flavours. Happy Days. The fish was also lovely, although what was advertised and ordered as sole was in fact swordfish... Pussy Galore did a great job waitressing, in fact she did a great job all round as this was the first time she was a Hare. Well done PG.
Then a nice chap called Phil did a quiz for us! The winning team was (of course) Hannahґs Hotties, which consisted of Yogiґs son Alex, Up Your Bum, Dipper, Gobbychov and someone called Radio Kaka who was particularly good.
Now I need to go any buy a frikkinґ red dress for next weeks run. Unless maybe Yogi has a spare one?
Radio Kaka xxx
RUN NUMBER 1137
Hares: Yogi & 2-Pies
Yay even after flying down the Autopista in a trusty Peugeot chariot Shaggy and I arrived late, I was assigned scribe duties & Hash flash, was I some kind of miracle worker, not even Jesus wrote his own bloody book, so I shall put quill to papyrus and upload the pictures.
Arriving on the mount after the sermon had started, where 30 odd disciples, one virgin namethed Ian not Mary, even though the Hinge was present, some hash disciples from afar (Madrid), one who could have passed for the Holy Ghost were congregated, 3 Harriett’s wore various items related to Playboy (Bunny Outfits) whilst the rest of us kept our Easter regalia hidden for later.
Informed by the Hares that a prize would be awarded to the Hasher that collected the greatest number of eggs hidden along the trail we set out on our Holy pilgrimage led by interspersed blobs of unleavened flour and sometimes they were a little too interspersed.
At the first check I found one of the hidden eggs and dubious of a hashers mindset checked to make sure it was boiled, imagining Yogi and Two pies pissing themselves laughing at the thought of egg splattered hashers arriving back at the circle
We were led over hills and pastures with the Madrid disciple FFS (Floppy Five Skin, For F*cks sake, Full ‘o’ F*ckin Shite, Fit F*ckin Sod, Furry Fanny Sucker) leading most of the way until we found an Oasis ‘Definitely Maybe’ of Beer, Water, Crisps and some dodgy doughnuts, what the hell the doughnuts have got to do with Easter I don’t know, maybe it’s because Yogi thought they were Holey.
Yogi announced there was a special egg that Suckya was eager to find with hairs on the top, Pubic Hairs????
Anyway FFS was eager to continue his pilgrimage until Herod ( aka Dipper ) held him back until the rest had slaked their thirst and we were off again minus Hobble who seemed to be bleeding from the knee – was it some kind of stigmata????
On we wearily traipsed over yet more hills until we found some woods where the way to salvation ( ie beer ) became confused, there was a marking that looked like an F but was a check partially rubbed out so on we trekked scything through the hills like a bunch of Red Sea pedestrians it was a snip to reach the sermon on the mount.
We assembled in a circle wearing our Easter regalia and even Jesus turned up to hear the preaching’s of our illustrious GM who with his staff and cock did pass round the holy water ( beer ).
Speed Bumps nearly had an immaculate conception when Dipper got his cock between her legs, the look of ecstasy on his face, I think instead of Herod I shall now refer to him as ‘Harold’, ‘You dirty ole man’.
Yogi and Two Pies’y Pies were duly summoned into the gathering to be judged, and lo they were judged to have set a pilgrimage worthy of 8.9.
Daffa of the Dildo was awarded a couple of eggs for collecting the most hidden eggs and Hobble of the Gobble awarded a battery powered chocolate covered Santa ( where the hell that came from ) for the best Easter Bonnet consisting of a strangled chicken and some cracked eggs splattered over her head.
Speed Bumps received her chalice of 50 runs and did christen it drinking the holy Cruz Campo.
Before taking over the congregation our RA did emit a fart, Moses parted the Red Sea but this could have parted continents and certainly the hashers immediately around him, too many eggs I think.
Clonk did then proceed to cleanse those gathered of their sins;
For F*ck’s Sake for his cap.
Madrid hashers for being Madrid hashers.
A virgin ( rare in these parts )
And various other hashers for dubious sins.
Many were duly cooled on ice for sins including two budding hashers who I don’t think will ever hash no more even though they never started.
Pussy Galore who I think should be renamed Moist Pussy Galore after squirming around with an excited look on here face whilst sitting on the ice.
Yogi for being Yogi
Shaggy for not scribing last weeks report.
Big Mac for taking a call from the never to be hashers.
In fact nearly all assembled were iced.
The circle was duly closed and the disciples headed off to the last supper, if we could find it, maybe it was because there was no flour to guide us but it was comical seeing everyone taking wrong turns, reversing, shrugging shoulders and generally lost until someone got their bearings.
Daffa of the Dildo.
five of the 8 missing eggs were found, two badly wounded the remaining three must by now be declared as "missing in action"
RUN NUMBER 1136
Hares: Clog Dancer & Gardner
After diligently scribing the report immediately after the hash, I forgot all about it. Had I got said report in on time I wouldn't have had my arse on the ice and a soggy bottom for my efforts.
Speedbumps was an hour early, ..... Something about the clocks leaping forward, that'll be it for Speedy's early arrival till next spring then.
40 odd hashers - You've got to be odd to do this malarkey - turned up at the bottom of a neatly paved avenue on a would be housing estate tucked in a valley just out of sight of the La Canada shopping centre - so near yet so far.
Sun shining at last - El Cid even marking his presence with Ginger Minge in tow.... no Bandaid? Some visitors from Guadiaro - the fat one - (well HE said it!) aka Mr Countdown, Richard Madeley (wasn't he the one who stole from Tesco’s?) well anyway, more of him later.... completed our entourage for the day's event.
But not until the hares had explained the unidentified markings. Does Clog dancer do quantum physics in his spare time? It was all hieroglyphics to Flakey, Clonk and the rest of us. It was a good job we had the cars in our sight for most of the run, as the pack were sent off in two directions. Hash walkers and hash hard bastards (I have no idea who they were as most of us set off on the walking route.)
The dogs quite enjoyed the tunnel with a waterfall at the end, a sort of opposite trail to the one stiff and flakey set - so no one fell over the edge - cool.
The dogs skidding along the water, they loved it then we came across the raging bulls. Gangbang squared up to them, she was either going to ride one or shoot one, either way we could all make our escape.
On we tracked, blatantly ignoring Checkbacks and False trails. Mummy's Boy and El Cid calling ON ON! obviously attaining prior knowledge of the beer stop or were they just lucky, lazy bastards? None the less we managed to climb vertical out of the valley and back on to the road. From my vantage point it was obvious a man was staking out the
Hashers' cars - black t-shirt - suspicious movements. Waiting for his thieving gypsy mates probably. Robber! Thief!
As the pack approached the beer stop some thing had to be done - beer or cars robbed? Beer or Cars? 9-1 Beer. Just a few ably led by Hobble and her stick (no not fender) Colon Boy and Stacey blockading the road, Yogi recording all evidence on his phone. I gave the all clear to the gypsy looking car when it became clear it was just a group of pensioners on a spring outing. Fabi, to be sure, had them under the Spanish inquisition anyway. I dread to think what they must have thought of us - I'd have wound the windows up put the throttle to the floor. Aside from that, a few hashers were lost, Septic in thought and others found their way back regardless of flour.
So the circle proceeded with Flakey handing out downs for anyone who had a birthday. There was ice & there were sleeves, there were debtors - 2 Pies was an hour late - should have consulted Speedbumps. UP yer Bum for fighting. El Cid - aka ironside for a crinkly bum. The Ceuta crew for drug smuggling. Speedbumps and Suck yer Cocka for
smuggling coconuts. The Archdickon (Clonk) initiated a lookalikey line up with George Bush, EggshellslashDogsy, Mini Colonic, Catweazle, Gorbichov and Richard Countdown thieving Madeley - it was more like a line up from Crimewatch.
The ON ON was probably great but I forwent the 14 Euro meal for a 1 euro tapas in Coin.
RUN NUMBER 1135
Hares Suckaya Cocka & Up Yer Bum Marks - 7
Suckaya Cocka 30
We arrived at the run start to be asked to park the green beetle near the road,so Hashers would see where to come.but a donkey with an Irish flag was put there instead. About 28 hashers turned up on a cloudy slight drizzley day. We had two virgins and one visitor We began with Birdshit Bob supping beer out of his new trainers.There were strange markings in flour on the floor,which were explained by Up your Bum somewhat vague.We set
off wandering around the campo searching for the first markings.eventually we picked up the trail more by luck than judgement as the rain had washed away most of the flour. After crossing wild flower covered meadow,hills and roadworks and bee hives [where colonic got stung] we heard Stiff Fanny shouting that we were on the in trail,we all turned back to then encounter the beer stop having missed out most of the run. After taking refreshment some hashers then proceeded to do the first half of the run in the second half.confusing??????yes very,whilst others took the short route back to the cars,which were visible.in the distance.After about an hour the long distance hashers arrived back where we commenced the circle.
with all the dogs safely removed away from the circle. There were lots of down downs,and Birdshit Bob was annointed with flour and named SIR BIRDSHIT as he had been coming since about the tenth Mijas hash[thats a long time to be coming]A big down down was given to the hares for no signs,lack of markings and alhambra beer which tasted like piss ????Circle closed we adjourned to Someplace Else for a nice roast dinner good wine and entertainment.
Scribe H M V.
RUN NO: 1134 HARES: Flakey & Stiffanny
Anniversarios - Radio KaKa 15, Verve Clitot 60, Mummyґs Boy 200 & something?
As we set off for our weekly fun run, the sun was shining and all was right with the world. Then as kick-off time emerged the rain clouds gathered and the skies opened up for a good 10 mins soaking us all in our best St. Paddyґs day greenery. Then what appeared to be a brief, partial eclipse of the sun turned out to be up yer bum bending over to pick up some loose coins she spotted on the ground. Phew! Panic over we set off in the customary fashion i.e. a shuffling, aimless meander brightened up by Kindergarden Kop asking Susan whether she wanted it from the front or behind. I still donґt know what he meant ґcos iґm quite naive in these matters but he got a down down for it later on so it must have some hidden meaning or other. I shall ask Mr Bollox about it later. As we continued on we were met by a very long, wet and dark tunnel. I pondered the Freudian significance of this for a few moments before opting for the more sensible route i.e. overground. (Short cutting bastard some might say but they can kiss Dogs Bollox for all I care!) It transpires this was a cunning bit of foresight on my part when you consider the state of some of them that made it out the other end. (See photo of Yogi dangling precariously from the tunnel mouth!). Shaggyґs long suffering mutt (not daffadildo, the other one!) was even attempting suicide by the sound of it, such was the harrowing ordeal it suffered. God only knows what went on in there!
As we limped gamely on to the beer stop we emerged onto the paseo to be met by a bemused looking bunch of locals who were asking about the geezer in the green wig. Who could they mean? Turns out it was none other than our own resident tranny Hobble Gobble. God love her/him whatever. For our pains we were rewarded with a cup of mild green fairy liquid (not absinthe) and a baked tattie with stuff in it. Sorry but Iґm Scottish and my appreciation of gastronomic delights is minimal. HMV and Nipper turned up suspiciously late and one can only wonder what went on in the tunnel of love, just as well she was wearing her all-in-one condom (this seasons must-have apparently, you couldnґt make it up, honestly!). So no little nippers on the horizon. Well apart from the one Gangbang is bearing!
We waited a good 15 mins for the tunnel dwellers to make an appearance but they were nowhere to be seen. We didnґt know the horrors they were experiencing and could wait no longer, so set off for what we thought would be a straight forward jaunt back to base camp only to be met with the north face of the Eiger to navigate, with a river running through it thrown in for good measure (spot the movie references). It was Pure Murder as they say in the less salubrious parts of Glasgow!
The circle was called and Hares Stiffanny and Flakey were awarded a well deserved 8.5 The RA dispensed with cleansing beers for all the miscreants whose sins, real and imagined, were duly purged. A stirring, choral tribute was sung by Colonic in honour of Lilo Lil and there was not a dry eye in the house. I cannot recall the exact lyrics (maybe just as well) but Iґm sure he will give us another rendition when she makes her glorious return to the fold. Maybe this was due to the rather large amounts of white powdery stuff he was imbibing (Again see photos!). Anyway come back soon Lilo Lil. All is forgiven.
On On at Dominiques was good value at 11 euros and a superb On On On at The Bell & Bottle for a karaoke extravaganza. They could not have known what hit them when our motley crew congo-ed in. After a few more sherberts and a sing song it all became a bit of a blur as I was getting a bit tired and emotional. But what a good looking and fantastically talented bunch of singers we are!*
* Hallucinations may have set in at this juncture.
RUN NO: 1133 HARES: Colonic & Tweetskipie
RUN NO: 1132 HARE: Big Mac MARK: 8.6
The GM, in Dippers abstinence, Mummy's Boy, called the circle for the start of the Hash and after prating on for a few minutes called in the solitary Hare for the day - Big Mac, yes dear readers he had to set the trail all on his own, no one else wanted to assist and be the gherkin in his burger bun, which was a pity because had there been someone else there they may have reigned in Big Mac's zealous enthusiasm for setting a fiendishly tricky course stuffed full of twists and turns, false trails and numerous dodgy 'checks'.
So off we all set bright eyed and bushy tailed on a lovely sunny afternoon - and got about 100 yards up the trail only to come to a juddering halt - totally lost and screwed up and unable to find the trail for about 10 minutes, (not for the first time that day either). There were even calls from some softies to return to the car park (basically all the women, Verve Clitoe, Pussy Galore, Swiss Roll, Streaky etc, whilst all the intrepid men bashed around the undergrowth getting nowhere but taking the opportunity to pea behind trees - scent marking, common male Hash practice).
Finally Mummy’s Boy said he had been here before and sent a visitor off to find the paper and flower and we set off again at a gallop - that is except Up your Bum, whingeing away at the back.
The visiting couples from Canada and the UK did themselves proud and were often seen to the fore crying - 'ON ON'. One of them even sang a fine rendition of the Engineers Song at dinner.
After about an hour and half of many blind trails and lost Hashers we saw a small excited
figure on the horizon (well on the junction of a main road) waving at us - signaling that we were headed in the wrong direction - again! It was no less than that walking, talking, laugh machine, Colonic to our rescue - whoopee, and so we arrived at the Beer Stop. Cold beers all around - and a miserable single bag of cut price crisps - what the F...k !! someone has to get a grip of the catering on this Hash.
The second half was notable only in so far as we paid no attention whatsoever to the marked trail, and placed our faith blindly in that well known tracker - he with native cunning and considerable local knowledge - Sparky. The whole Hash just followed him striding boldly on, ignoring any attempt to find flower, wandering through dog infested villages, across dog infested fields and through dog infested orchards, across dog infested roads and paths, finally arriving back at the - dog infested car park.
And so to the Circle called by Mummy's Boy the Grand Master, and his salacious sermon.Our eyes were opened to the ghastly sins of certain Hashers on the away weekend at Javea; step forward in shame, Oxfam - accused of nudity in public places, Colonic – laying naked on his back, barely alive but still finding strength to piss in the air and the two of them found drinking in the bars at 8.00am when they should have been providing for there memsab - Radio Caca thinking she was Barbara the Barmaid and with Veuve Clitot and Calonic making up the Shangri-las whose stage was the dinning table - brrm, brrm, leader of the pack.There followed the ritual humiliation and down downs for them all.
The GM handed over his Inquisition, the Spanish Inquisition,(what bollocks), to the RA, Colonic, who continued to preach the word according to his particular Gospel - mucky, wanton, lewd and crude....full of references to 'beastiality is best !' which seemed to make Fender Bender and Hobble Gobble visibly pant.
Various Hashers were dragged into the circle for cleansing - in particular those women displaying the desire to mate, those on heat - the 'Camel Toes' ...ooo ! Streaky, Verve Clitoe, Up Your Bum, Pussy Galore, Hobble Gobble, Sucka Cocka, Radio Caca, our visitors and for having an inverted CT, yes the man from back home in his lycra shorts!
Stiffanny and Streaky were called in - Stiffany for trying to launch a sex toy business and Streaky for wanting to be that toy (now that would be interesting to watch).
Hobble Gobble managed to go for a pea and piss on herself once again! - more potty training please Fender Bender .
Crystal Tits (that’s me) was admonished for bringing 'Larry Grayson' aka 'Mr Stupid' the previous week and for posing in a pseudo Land Rover.
Yogi was - well Yogi (weird) and Kindergarten Kop was all tongue tied cause he had brought along a right little stunner, a guest going by the name of Sue - who KK hopes to it get off with. All the best of British mate.
The ceremony came to an end with a blessing from the RA who declared all sins to have been cleansed - until next time.
The ON ON went well with plenty of singing and general carousing and that groupy, touchy, feely stuff, 'Bum tity, bum tity, tity bum...” -you get the picture.
Notwithstanding all of the above, the Hash awarded the Hare 8.6 for a splendid solo effort
(If there are any single female Hashers eager to become the 'gherkin' and keep Big Mac happy, you can apply through the HHH dating site - (is there one? - if not then there's a business idea! ).
ON ON – Crystal Tits.
Ereroy, what does this button dooooooooooooooooo. Oops. Right I think I’ve got it. Hello, I’m your scribe for this week, cos that git of a Grand Mattress, Stiffany stitched me up and said I was the last in the circle, after she had given me permission to leave the circle. Just goes to show, you can’t trust a bloody committee member.
Stiff started the circle, with an announcement (post committee meeting) that from next week, all Hashers who bring dogs, will have to pay 3 euros each, per dog. Which is a shame really, cos poor old Fender Bender says he will have to pay for two. I can’t work that out, I thought we only had one. The announcement however, was about as popular as an arm wrestling contest in a Leper colony. In fact there were more dogs on this hash, than Hashers. Bless their little wet noses. Dogs or Hashers? Stone the bitch (Grand Mattress, not canine type.)
Stiff called the circle and invited the sole virgin in. He immediately demoted Stiff, by taking over and running the show, with his very good impersonation of Larry Grayson. Get a grip Stiff, or should that be get a Stiff grip? Anyway, he was told to piss off (I think he is going to be called Mr Stupid or something,) and the Hares were called in to explain what kind of torture they had in mind for us. They put some white stuff on the ground, I think it is called flower.
Off we went, up some hills, down some hills, along some flat bits, through some wet bits and then we came to the beer stop. (My second favourite bit.) Loads of Cava, loads of sweeties, balloons, all sorts of Chinese New Year stuff, not to mention Valentines Day, there was even a couple of beers and some crisps. By this time it was becoming clear to most, that Mummies Boy, was not feeling too well, but with the assistance of Veuve Clitoe and Radio Caca, he had managed to set about one third of his usual ball breaker. The second half of the run, was up some hills, down a precipice, through a reservoir under a tunnel and back to the cars. (My most favourite bit.) What no one dead, no one in hospital? I think MB was just desperate, not to get back the Hash Shit, which he lost to Gangplank the other week. Curiously, when we got back, there were a couple of weirdo’s hanging about, who were not seen on the hash. There was an enormous, large breasted, hermaphrodite, who looked a bit like Yogi and Oxfam, minus the French plat. Now could it be that their claims of having got lost on the way to the hash, were just a smokescreen, for not listening to the hares last week, or not reading the web page and failing to observe that it was a 2 0’ Clock start?
The circle was called, and all the usual pleasantries observed. Stiffany pratted around a bit, the virgin was called and tested on Hash names, anniversarios (are they a kind of breakfast cereal?) were called, the hares were awarded a ridiculously high mark (probably as a bribe for MB’s next run not to be a ball breaker) and the circle was handed over to the RA, Flakey, for the cleansing of sins. Flakey proceeded to enjoy cleansing everyone of their relevant, or totally fabricated sins, Everton couldn’t have been playing, so he had nothing better to do. He did however christen Alastair as “Crystal Tits” and he shall be known as such for time immemorial. Eventually, Flakey called Mr Stupid, (our Virgin) but he declined the offer and insisted on staying in Crystal Tits’ car. Somehow, I don’t see a long hashing career in his future. Anyway, eventually Flakey got bored with all that power and handed the circle back to the Grand Mattress, who did other things. Eventually she called on the Haremeister, who amongst other things, announced that, during the beer stop, an extraordinary committee meeting had been held, to investigate the bogus committee meeting, which resulted in the persecution of dogs and their owners. The Grand Mattress and her cohort, the RA were treated to a down down, for promoting misinformation and failing to invite the committee members to their “committee” meeting. So the dogs won, unlike Everton who can only draw at best. Long live dogs. Oh all right and Dogsy. Perhaps you can trust some committee members.
With that the proceedings closed. Here endeth the story.
The run was awarded 9.1. Well done Mummies Boy, Veuve Clitoe and Radio Caca. See MB, you don’t need to kill anyone.
Oxfam 90 (Does that include this one for which he was absent? Still, not bad for twenty years.
Rubhertwat 30 (But she doesn’t look it!!!!)
Just say (G)When 10 (She’s a poet, but she divn’t naa it.)
Did anyone notice that Colonic Irrigation brought a note from his Mum, which said, “Can Colon Boy be excused Hashing this week, as he has got a runny nose?” With his name, maybe it wasn’t his nose!!!!!!!!!
However, his much better half, Gangbang managed to do the Hash, even with her lodger on board. Curious!!!!
Fraid I didn’t go to the On On Ons, so one of you will have to tell me about the meal.
Next weeks Hares. Dogsy and Mary Hinge
So, on that bombshell,
Mummies Boy -Pictures below
This is Big Mac who was undemocratically elected as the Scribe for Run 1126. I started the run with a serious hangover from a 60th birthday party the night before (and much of the current morning) but once again the fresh air and fun put paid to it.
The run was from atop a hill in La Cala and there was a good turnout of some 40 hashers including as sprinkling of visitors and virgins, and the sun even shone after a lengthy absence from the Costa del Sol. The 3 o’clock run start came and went and it was nearer 3:45 before the Hare finally imparted his instructions. Confusingly he had devised his own marking system: this was almost guaranteed to lead to problems and indeed it did, of which more later. Because of the abundance of horseshit the markings were combined with this novel material, but in fact somebody had sabotaged the markings for the first kilometre or so, covering up the flour with stones, cardboard and the like. We managed to find the trail nonetheless, and we finally encountered the infamous curvy arrow which sent the trail off into a veritable forest of gorse and then ending in a check-back from which we could not find the right trail. We fanned out in so many different directions and found several trails, but all of these ended in a check-back. Front runners and the back markers were by now consolidated into one angry pack intent on stoning the Hare. Indeed, the run was to all intents and purposes abandoned at this point and the pack chose to head back to the start running the risk of bypassing the beer stop. However, as luck would have it, the correct trail was stumbled across and we made it to the beer stop. The Hare was unapologetic blaming the Hashers for their poor navigational skills. After a pleasant beer stop under the early evening sun, the Hare offered the pack two choices: a real hashers run, or a women and wimps version. Most chose the real hashers run which alarmingly led us downhill towards the coast instead of back up hill towards the run start. As a result we became rather spread out, but we did eventually start to climb again and arrived back from whence we had come. As there was an early booking at the restaurant, the circle was convened fairly quickly but it was noted that one harriette had not returned and HMV set off in search of his wife. Happily she was recovered and was able to give her vote for the run. The overall score was 7.5 and with one or two exceptions that was the typical score awarded. The confused markings were perhaps the major failing but the territory was appealing with its mix of hills, valleys, urbanisations and prickles.
Our virgins, most of whom were enticed by Shagadelic were Lesley, Sue, Ciara (an Irish maiden) and Victor. Visiting were Huge Cum Balls, Joan of Tarts and Gorballs ( a fellowe Scot).
The anniversarios were Gobichov (240), Put it in (60), Swiss Roll (220) and Colonic (110).
The RA neatly attired as ever then set about cleansing us of our sins. The hares, Yogi And Yorkshire Gripper were chastised for their trail laying and the even more cardinal sin of running short of beer. Other offenders were Radio Kaka and Oxfam for excess fraternisation; Tweetsky Pie, for walking with a pronounced limp L I M P – pronounced limp! Big Mac – for being Scottish, and various others at the whim of the RA.
The On on was at some restaurant that sounded like Dingles where various roasts were on offer without apparently a vegetarian option and then a further, more serious On on on was suggested. Next weeks run will be from La Cala again at 1500hrs. Full details will be posted on the website
We have now had torrential rain, continuously for about 4 weeks, so we knew it would be a wet run.
However there was a slight let up in the downpour just at the start of the run, before it started coming at us from all angles. So, after seeing no virgins, the photo was swiftly taken and off we ran.
The first check completely fooled us, but as the markings were extremely good despite the rain that was now starting, we managed to find the trail, and set of in search of the beer stop.
After finding every check back and false trail, we finally found Dipper and Gobichov under a tree drinking Brandy, and having Tapas, Good job they brought some for us as well. So after a short rest, and well fortified we continued on our way.
We soon realised the Brandy was not just to warm us up but to fill us full of bravado for the precipice to follow. We slid and slipped our way around the hillside to a check back, where the front runners kindly waited for everyone to catch up. After setting back along the trail to find the correct way which was soon found, we headed off down the hill, through a tunnel, in the river, out the river, lots of shiggy and back through another tunnel. And finally the On In, a welcome sight, as by now, the feeling in all limbs had disappeared and the only dry bit on my body was… wet as well.
And Blue, well he still smells like a dead goat.
With the rain gently falling, and snow on the hills behind us, a short circle followed. The hares were awarded a well earned 9.
Anniversaries, Streaky 150, Radio caca 10 sorry can’t remember anymore, the frostbite was setting in.
I do remember Flakey having a few sinners into the circle, for turning up in fancy dress when it was a normal run, Hobble Gobble as Ghandi, Colonic as Ali G, Big Mac who looked like the Tin Man, Tweekski for looking like The Russian Mafia. The rain was getting heavier though so after directions for next weeks run, thankfully the circle was closed, and we made a run for the cars.
Luckily for us, we had to pass our house to get to the On On On so with a five minute window, some of us managed to fit in a quick hot shower and dry clothes, closely followed by an excellent three course Sunday Roast at El Brujo.
Roll on Summer!!1
Your scribe Stiffanny