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RUN REPORTS 2010
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The Burro Hash |
Home Hare line Contact List Hash History Links Run Reports 2011 Jokes Email us
RUN REPORTS 2010
NO: 1178 Date: 26th December
HARES: Colonic Irrigation
As i arrived a little late I got the honour of being the scribe, and well just kept forgetting and thought I would get away with it silly me as it was bloody clonics run and my punishments seem to be getting worse, so here goes :
A
great number had turned out for this fantastic boxing day joint run, wich was being set in our deer departed late hasher fender benders ashes .........you might be thinking a shortish run ,as fender was not one of our heavy weights ,but oh no there was plenty of his ashes to spread about the streets and campo
the run started from clonics house being assisted by tweetskie pie, and we headed out into the campo ,but then the pack turned and started heading back towards fuengirola .
found a check .and then we where off back in campo, lovely as we all love the campo and hate the hard footed tarmac .. another check and severall clever falsies and the pack was all back together .
some smart ass i think flakey found the trail, and again we where off gathering speed . the trail seemed to take us to the mercedes dealership was clonic looking to trade in the vw 4 wheel drive gas gussler for a merc smart car , no another bloody check
and the pack back together again, off over the bridge with everybody in xmas fancy dress to the sound off lots of spanish car horns . a left at the next road and we hit the river in little finland . we then entered the river and through 2 or 3 tunnels
till eventually the beer stop hooray .......
lots of lovely ice cold tinnies and cakes crisps and even cava as it was being set on fenders ashes remember
quite a simple run back to casa clonics for the circle
and then onto the restaurant at the bottom of their road for a scrumptios supper
on on sceptic x
RUSKIE’S CHRISTMAS RUN, NO: 1177 Date: 19th December
HARES: Tweetski Pie & Put It In - MARK: 7.5
ANNIVERSARIOS: Flakey, 435 runs Daffodildos Photos
Oh dear, déjà vu has set in. The GM has only been away two weeks and he has forgotten the first Commandment – thou shalt appoint a scribe. Better do it himself then, or face the dreaded sleeve.
Twenty three, would be runners, many in festive robes, arrived at a familiar location, or was it? We were parked in the wrong place, just down from the Higueron Restaurant and not further on, as usual, over the Autopista. Surely the Hares are not daring to venture onto the Mountainside north of the N340!
Having exhaustively recce’d this inviting area over the years and even getting as far as setting a run some 10 yrs previous, only to abandon it on the Saturday and set a totally different run - having considered the mountainside too dangerous, due to the loose rocks and rotting timber, the difficulty of setting false trails and keeping the pack together and the possibility of a beer stop anywhere near halfway around. Has the area changed? Lets put on the heavyweight trekking boots just in case.
Off we set and yes up to the petrol station and across the road into the woods.
Soon we were traversing the mountain, off track and across loose rocks and slimy timbers and our first casualty. Up Your Bum found it too much to control that blasted dog and manage the mountainside, leading to a spectacular head over heals fall and landing heavily on her shoulder. Fortunately HMV was to hand and managed to get the show back on the road – the mountain mule rescue team could stay at home. But somebody is going to be carrying the bruises for many days to come.
Finally a check, which most of the Hash had missed by shortcutting, was this a fiendishly deliberate attempt to bring the Hashers back together or just insufficient flour – lets give them the benefit of doubt for it had everyone going around in circles and only finding a single CB. Eventually having scoured the mountainside ON ON was called from some 200 feet above. Those taking a less direct route found the check and for once a proper trail. This got narrower and narrower and ever more rocky, going up and up until finally we reached a near shear wall of loose rocks and stones going up some 50 feet. Some Hashers had to be dragged up and how others didn’t have a seizure is only down to the endurance of the Hasher! To add insult to injury a sign proclaimed we had reached nearly 1000 meters in altitude!!
Oh by the way, we found a wonderful vista with a mountain spring, a wonderous cave and a pot-holers heaven. Was this the reason for our journey?
ON ON for more of the same, but now we had reached the summit of our endeavours and we were going back down into the woods. Another check and the echo of Hashers way off track “are you on??”. Finally the trail was found and down to the Mijas road for a much awaited beer stop, well perhaps not. The Hares were trying to bribe us in true Ruskie style – Champagne, Brandy, Cakes…. Poor misguided souls, to think we would fall for that old trick!
ON ON for a short trip home. Not along the road which would have been too easy. Half the Hash, or so it seemed, took to the 4x4’ s, the other half took the official shortcut - over the top of the mountain (not so big this time) and then off trail down the other side to the ON IN. Miraculously they all got back one way or another – nobody lost, nobody killed. Since the end of the cold war the Ruskies have definitely been losing it!
A circle was formed and various penances paid. The main casualty being Stiffany and to little fault of her own. She must have had ten down downs, All due to the Archdikin’s antics or should I say calamities the previous week. He even said Stiff had tried to sabotage his trip to China by washing away his passport details. What´s the wash basket for? Anyway it must have backfired on Flakey that night, unless you like corpses Flakes?
Oh and the marks. Well there were two camps, those that missed their vocation in the SAS. They thought it was bree…liant and then there were normal, somewhat ageing Hashers. Only four calls for Hash Shit were made – sorry Colonic, as valiant as your efforts were, they were not quite enough. I tried to help by inviting all Ruskies in the circle and eliminating, their votes. But bribery by the Russians is nothing new and to our detriment, we know it works! The GM finally compromised, giving a 7.5, which as we all know with compromises, didn’t suit anybody.
Finally Russian hospitality shone once more. Down to Estark for a quick stopover (at the traffic lights, of course) before going on to the best 8€ worth for many a year. Large plateful of steaming hot veggy soup and fish & chips with a half decent wine to wash it down. Or if fish wasn’t your bag, then a choice of roast beef, pork or chicken. What did the Ruskies do to negotiate that deal.
Finally, finally our Christmas Choirmaster, none other than Gangplank tried to lead us in festive cheer. Unfortunately the Partridge (Sceptic) couldn’t get his ass off a block of ice and the Ten Lords a Leaping thought she was Pipers Piping and it was a total disaster. Singing abandoned Flakey tried an updated version of an old favourite act but did a Karma C and couldn’t get the punch lines out and with Pacharan being thrown around to curry more favour by the Ruskies the evening dissolved into…………
ON ON – MUMMY’S BOY
La Concha Walk (1) La Concha Walk (2)
Run:
1176
Sunday 12th December
Hares:
HMV & Sir Sparky
Big Mac was appointed scribe by the Grand Mattress for the mere fact that he wore gloves. This was of course grossly unfair but there is no appeals procedure on the Hash so here goes.
Our hares, Sir Sparky and HMV, are not the youngest hashers. In fact their combined age of 141 probably sets a new record. But this was no hash for geriatrics. It was to be a runners ‘ run. The turnout was fairly poor at 25 due to various hashers heading to UK for the festive season and some TV programme I have never hear of – Y factor or some. The territory was strikingly familiar but by a stroke of luck the last time this dynamic duo laid a trail here the pack followed a loud mouthed Madrid visitor who managed to avoid 2/3 of the run! So the hares thought they might get away with laying the same run – only backwards! Karma Chameleon let it be known that he knew every square centimetre of this territory and the hares suggested he run it blindfolded. (Perhaps he did as he never made it to the beer stop).
A runners’ run it was with your scribe and Physical Jerk (half my age at a guess!) whooping it up hill and down dale and arriving at the beer stop some 10 minutes ahead of the pack. The runners curiously arrived from all points of the compass, studiously avoiding the well marked trail. The run in included a water feature, a broken water pipe which spewed its contents right across the trail. Only one hasher was daft enough to run through it – Physical Jerk. Some negotiated their way around it while others avoided it entirely. Some serious short cutting was observed but went unpunished. Karma was found sleeping on the bonnet of his gas guzzling 4 x 4, apparently unaware that he had missed the run.
The circle was convened with Stiffany in control, or rather not as she forgot to call the hares in and mark the run. A well deserved 7.9 was awarded. Big Mac’s fancy gadget recorded 6.7km. There were a few returners including 6 mil, wife of 5 mil who may also have set a new record as she was last seen on the Mijas hash some 20 year ago according to one hasher. Her T shirt was certainly vintage 1989 and appeared in remarkably good condition. The Anniverarios ranged from the high teens to the mid hundreds spanning half a century at least! Daffa Dildo was stand in RA and did a fine job. Worthy of mention was Septic Scrotum who was very subdued after a night of excess which ended with him sleeping rough and being rescued by a charity (or was that the police?). The sleeve was dusted down and successor to Fender Bender auditioned. Toxic Bollocks put on a credible performance and for some reason Shagadelic had to change her top, not that I noticed this. The GM then took the circle back and we were entertained by some hash politics regarding the ill fated Christmas party. This has had to be cancelled due to lack of takers upper. A rival event is planned and there was a heated debate and some finger wagging as to whether this should or should not be subsidised by hash cash and whether a quorum had been formed; whether universal suffrage should apply; and whether there is a God. Next week’s run starring put it In and Tweetskie Pie is somewhere in the same vicinity but starting at 1400hrs and with seasonal fish and chips to follow.
Only a few had taken up the On On offer at La Terraza, a local Spanish bar/restaurant. Some say this was because no Sunday roast was offered. Others speculate that it was the draw of a certain TV programme. Still some 9 pensioners did go along taking the restaurant by surprise as we were so early (This is what happens when Colonic is not RA). More hash politics were exhibited as some in our midst did not fancy what was on offer and buggered off, leaving empty seats, rather like the Chinese Nobel peace prizewinner.
We are a drinking club with a running problem and we embrace mismanagement! On On.
Run:
1175
Sunday 5th December
Hares:
Septic & Toxic
Average: 8.45 points.
Because what ever happens in the circle ids Double Dutch to me here is what I made of it.
Aniversarios:
Toxic Bollox 10
Cranny Faddock 50
HMV 120
Put -it - In 85
Gobbichov 255
Physical Jerk 20
Op op deze deze zonnige zonnige dag startte de run in plaats
Op op deze deze zonnige zonnige dag startte de run in plaats 15.00 nu 15.30
15.00 nu 15.30
Het werd klimmen geblazen dat viel allemaal best mee , naar
Het werd klimmen geblazen dat viel allemaal best mee , naar beneden door de droge rivier bedding was effe anders.
beneden door de droge rivier bedding was effe anders.
Via gevaarlijke uitgesleten rotsen en dijkjes kwamen we
Via gevaarlijke uitgesleten rotsen en dijkjes kwamen we eindelijk bij de bierstop. Een prima run was her met geode
eindelijk bij de bierstop. Een prima run was her met goede markering
markering
Daarna was het een makkie.Een prima run dus.
Daarna was het een makkie.Een prima run dus.
Net voor dat de cirkel begon, begon het een beetje te
Net voor dat de cirkel begon, begon het een beetje te regenen.
regenen.
Colonic was weer op dreef en vertelde een verhaal over wat
Colonic was weer op dreef en vertelde een verhaal over wat er met de urn van Fender Bender was gebeurd.
er met de urn van Fender Bender was gebeurd.
Er was ook iets met Stifanny die Fender een Blowjob had
Er was ook iets met Stifanny die Fender een Blowjob had gegeven
gegeven
Elvis werd door Flaky omgedoopt tot Elvis
Elvis werd door Flaky omgedoopt tot Elvis
Dogsie kreeg een downdown omdat hij op de check zat
Dogsie kreeg een downdown omdat hij op de check zat
Een heleboel andere dingen gebeurde in de cirkel maar dat is
Een heleboel andere dingen gebeurde in de cirkel maar dat is niet interessant te vermelden.
niet interessant te vermelden.
De ONON was perfect zie de foto’s
De ONON was perfect zie de foto’s
Aphrodisiac
Run:
1174
Sunday 28th November
Hare:
Dogsy
DOGSY Does It Alone, or Lew Hoads re re re revisited
Sunday 28th of November Mark - 8.5
The jammy git. It faeces down with torrential rain for three days beforehand, and for the following two days; but the day of Dogsy’s run dawns pristine and beautiful. Just as well, as this is our first run without Fender, and a minute’s silence is observed in the Gathering Circle as a sign of respect for the old bugger. So , a warm heart-gladdening sun smiles happily down on the chastened pack as they start to wend their way upstream from Dogsy’s cul-de-sac (and I use the words advisedly, my Lord).
Through the sewage-nourished mandarin trees, up the claggy cleft of Dogsy’s well worn passage, then suddenly, Freedom, as Dogsy’s frondiferous tunnel opens out onto the benevolent if hilly pastures of the Lew Hoad Campo. And an early Christmas treat -- a flock of seductive and lascivious goats, bent forward grazing, butts skyward, all unsuspecting as Yogi pogoes his way towards them and impregnates the lot. No wonder the goatherd was miffed – he can only manage ten at a shagging.. (Your Scribe knows, ‘cos he often walks his wee doggies hereabouts, and crouching doon behind the bushes – tissues in hand- he spees on the mannie wi’ the big purple cockie who loves to screw the gooties wi’ their wee hairy motties etc)
But I digress: sometimes zigging around the contours, oftimes zagging abruptly upwards, the pilgrimage leads inexorably to the midpoint beer shrine. For most of you, that is. Whilst the majority of hashers are quaffing beer and gruesome-but-cheap pink Schweppes, and scarfing crisps and peanuts, Willy Wanker, Stiff and Gobby (having started up the backtrail) are meandering round the countryside miles from that very trail where Your Noble Scribe maintains for them a series of lonely vigils designed to get them safely reunited with the flock. And when he eventually succeeds, are they remotely grateful, or even cognizant of his sacrifice? - Like f*** they are! Ah well, noblesse oblige.. (and Your Scribe is more nobless than most).
From the beer stop a pleasantly unambitious stroll led through rolling campo - at least for those of who actually followed Dogsy’s well chosen route- back to his dingy defile and the cars.
After due cleansing of our sins – all conducted with the Sleeve in tribute to our absent Sleeve Meister - and several anniversaries, none of which Your Forgetful Old Scribe remembers, we repaired to El Brujo for a full Sunday roast to top off a spiffing afternoon. As far as Your Scribe remembers, Dogsy was awarded 8.5 marks for this charming if unassuming little number. Toodlepip!
ON ON, Your Scribe,
DIPPER
Run:
1173
Sunday 21st November
Hares:
Yogi & 5-mil
A good crowd, almost equalling the number of dogs turned up opposite Venta Jinete for this hash set by 5 Mil and Yogi. We were warned that the check backs would be long and we were greeted with our first on the way up the hill from the start. However, cries of “On on” were heard further up the hill as Stiffany and Kindergarten Cop had ventured past the CB and had managed to find another trail. Fortunately for the hares watching nervously from the cars the rest of the pack managed to find the correct trail and off we went through prickles and slippery slopes, past angry bees and a steady uphill climb. On reaching a check on top of the hill I was just in time to see the hare’s cars driving by pointing us in the right direction. Despite this, I still managed to find another of several long false trails (up yet another hill). By this time Stiffany and Kindergarten had rejoined the pack and led us off in the right direction. By the time the FRB’s had traipsed back from some of those long CB’s we had been promised at least half the pack were together when we arrived at the beer stop. Having run out of crisps and starting to get cold waiting for the rest of the pack to reach the beer stop, we set off again briefly downhill, along a river bed only to be faced by another steep climb through a check. Once back at the cars it was clear not only had we run out of crisps but also of decent beer with only a cheap German alternative on offer which led to plenty of stick for the hares in the circle…
The circle – firstly yours truly was called in for having my back to the circle awarded a down down and nominated scribe. The hares were then called in and awarded down downs for running out of crisps and supplying us with crap German beer called Luftwaffe or something along those lines. Marks were then awarded with Yogi picking up and dry humping anyone making a negative comment…some of whom seemed to thoroughly enjoy it – the look on Swiss Roll’s face was a picture. A real variety of marks led to an overall 6.9 being awarded. Our esteemed RA then took over proceedings cleansing Speedbumps, Elephant Arse and Big Mac of their sin of wearing pyjamas to the hash. Flakey, Dipper, Kindergarten and Mummies Boy for wearing the same trousers. The usual anniversarios. Spermaid for blinding us all with her newly whitened teeth. Me again for apparently leaning against a car that was driven off containing our German Virgin – will she be seen again? Gangbang for filling Colonic’s big shiny Touareg with petrol instead of diesel. Gangbang again for coming home late pissed as a fart as her lift home crashed the car outside the house. The Elvis lookalikes. I’m sure there were others that failed to make it into my long term memory. Karma ended proceedings with one of his well rehearsed jokes, circle was closed and many headed off to Dibley’s in La Cala for the On-on. End of report, now time to get started on the 200 school reports I have to have written by Friday!
Physical Jerk
Run: 1172 Sunday 14th November Hares: WWWW & Just Say When
Coin and Cauliflower - the flatulence run of the year
It was all a blur, as my car floated into the circle on a wave of hedonistic over indulgence, was it the beer or was I still rocking from the journey across Spain after a tossing in the Bay of Biscay. I felt like I was in a spin dryer, was this all an illusion, was it a dream, two pies had shrunk and was wearing some funny Funkin shoes of dubious origin, a style not befitting his status and curiously sounding like Mummies Boy.
Karma sounding agitated after leaving the Hash Camera on the latest cruise ship and was demanding to use mine, was this a parallel world I had slipped into ? In a previous life I remember being voted as Hash Flash ! Yes it was all a dream or maybe Hash Austerity cuts had been imposed over my summer break and not only were water shortages imposed but a cabinet reshuffle had happened, Maybe Franco was back in power? It was all a dream ? But a nice one were a few people from various orientations turned up with a mixed assortment of dogs and off springs to follow a route set by a rather slim “ willy warming device” and an even slimmer “just say when” How do they do it ? My weight just keeps moving to different parts of my body depending on what activity or social function I have been involved with.
At the beer stop I was last and ate some cake , I kept my bottom covered, but scared a Danish wolf hound and managed to be last again leaving. No beer for me just 4 down downs of cake! Golden Cascade had a birthday trail pee ( Willy Wanker and I never looked) she was lucky just like the dog, that I’m sure will have a great time on board ship as they continue to maintain her in the lifestyle that she has obviously become used to. Let’s hope lucky finds her sea legs quicker than an old Bear can on all forthcoming seafaring adventures.
More weird things at the circle as Colonic did his best ever makeover to cleanse our sins, his rendition as “Daffadilldo” was even better than his “nightmare on elm street” how he grew two feet is beyond me ! The welsh accent needed some work but I feel for little Elvis growing up with his Dad morphing all over the place, what lengths this man goes to, he even turned up in a stock car with fresh battle scars pretending he had been to a car boot sale with Shaggy. She was in on the act being all vague about not knowing she was scribe from two weeks ago. Ignorance is no defence I always say. So on that note how come the “Canadians” who have no interest in cars pronounced their new Skoda Yeti is really an Audi underneath. Really! Not a Volkswagen then! Think we should rename it an “Audi Bigfoot wagon” which has more of a Hash twang.
Karma’s joke telling lessons have had an effect and he now shows real promise as a cruise ship stand up, timing being the first rule of comedy was lacking before, along with the inevitable punch line, maybe Colonic had morphed into Karma ? Who knows, is beer just coloured water ??
Things only got worse before the rain stopped play, I was told I was Hare for next week and so had Five mil, we managed to come to a joint arrangement in a local eatery over a roast dinner hidden by a mountain of vegetables. Talking with Five mil through the haze of steaming food I thought he had a dribble of Horseradish down his chin, not wanting to sound rude and mention it over dinner we battled on, but failed to finish the most enormous meal I had failed to eat in a long time. As the steam cleared I realised it was just a bad shave day and he had missed a bit, or had he ? Could this be another new position Hash Tash ! A new idea of the coalition to forge a little banter with the Russians maybe.
The wine poured down faster than the rain outside as the group reduced to a small flock with the prospect of an On On On at Gangplanks. He didn’t sound convincing and the thought of walking the plank to spend the night in his hold, or risk the police gauntlet on the new road to the coast made me cast off into the night, the blur of the windscreen matching the one in my head, will it all unfold in the morning ?
The duvet unfolded all night as the Cauliflower worked its way through the most Flatulence fuelled night in Hash memory. What a Day ! What an On On what a bugger I missed most of it.
Well done, I think the score was high but don’t expect a miracle for next week. My head ache was still there in the morning but thank god my testicals were still in place, my underpants can never be too small.!
It was all true.
Yogi
Sunday 7th November Hares: Stiffanny & Flakey Marks: 8.5
Run No: 1171 - Flakey´s birthday run
At last out for a run again, arrived at a “wee” garden, ( wee cause all the dogs were weeing various parts of the garden, I promptly followed suit…) A huge dog called Blue had a good sniff at my pussy, and promptly followed me around very excited…
More dogs arrived hey what a party and lots of strangers with only 2 legs we
all chatted, got re-acquainted, got chased around the garden and
drank ( from the pool in my case)whilst waiting for the Hare to show up… brave
little mite…didn’t anyone tell him Blue was on patrol… Clever hare came in
disguise like something out of the wizard of OZ or was it Worzel Gummage??
After standing around in a circle for a while very boring… except for this white
powdery stuff which tasted quiet nice..My mistress was so bored she was leaning
on the bar, ( fact that she had been partying the night before and only had 4
hours sleep, and was feeling vertically challenged ) was pulled into the
middle and had to drink a full beer, that soon perked her up..
After this we were off straight out the back gate off the leads and free so many smells, my half sisters were off and running… following this white stuff, me eating quiet a lot of it on route... down through bushes and trees across water… I jumped in, more tracks… more water… yep in I go again.. lots of bamboo tunnels, sometimes its great being small, these tall animals on 2 legs were cursing away.. but the FRB were cool they jumped in the water too..But they could never make up their minds which way to go,, going back on themselves off in different directions all very confusing, to a novice like me.. and then there was the tunnels a bit frightening for me, and which silly sod put those little fires down the middle of one of them.. I burnt my nose on the first one!!!! I would have lost my owner had she not been shouting at the top of her voice.. I was standing right next to her couldn’t she see in the dark??!! When she had us all back on the lead we followed her out of the dark, on the other side we set off once again a rapid pace, more hills and whey hey more water, this time my favourite stuff.. lots of stinky mud…which I wallowed in when my owner wasn’t looking…ooophs better keep up… God, how can she run so fast with just two legs… more hills… more confusion, lost the white stuff…lost my owner, but Dogsy, what a nice human with a great name..!! pointed me in the right direction..and yes I could just hear my owner shouting for me again…. Doesn’t she ever shut up…!! Scampering up the hill after her, we came to a great embankment, I had a helping hand on my bum…so did my owner, that shut her up for a while..!! – now my half sisters who are old pros at this were up it in a shot, I’m still not old enough to keep up with them..
At last we stopped for some water, though some nasty human had a bee in his bonnet and wouldn’t give me any even when I gave him a doleful look.. Still got some from a nice Russian, who told him off for being cruel to animals.I wasn’t that bothered anyway as had some beer.. well had a good lick as some kind human left their beer on the floor… tasted much better…
We waited for ages for all these animals with two legs to catch up… Ruby this lovely black dog gave me instructions on how to scrounge for food and clean up after everyone, yum yum those sausage rolls were great…
Eventually we set off again, more running to catch some bus whatever that is…
Lots more confusion, whilst these two legged creatures were put on a long lead
in pairs and transformed into four legged creatures..but still they couldn’t go
very fast..I kept trying to show them how it was done, but they kept falling
over me..think they are a bit silly really…we marched and sang (them NOT
me!!) With a funny little human holding a stick up in the air…back to the wee
wee garden..and did a lot more standing around in a large circle..
Sasha, my half sister who’s been to many of these circles explained what was going on..everyone that has done something wrong or stupid on or in the week.. is called into the middle and has to have a “down down”
Guess what my owner Pussy Galore was first in…hehehe, for locking herself
out of her own car…The battery died in her key ..???
Flakely for being late for his own hash
Elephant ass for getting lost and going home..then reappearing for the circle..
Oxfam for getting too excited and staining his trousers…
Tightarse must have been very bad as he had to sit in a bucket of beer and
swimming pool water.. though cant remember why was getting too tired by then..
Aphrodisiac for getting laddered on his ladder.. and then falling off!!??
Rubber Turd for not wanting to be German anymore..
The Isle of Wight Hashers Baldric, Marcus hideous, Golden Bollox and Pocket
Rocket had us all laughing with the new great hash songs that they came out
with,..
Jane was at last named… lots of silly names but the two most popular voted by the loudest cheers were Cockless and Rusty Twat, the RA then asked which she preferred (Cockless) and was promptly named the other..
Other Aniversarios were
Dogsy 600 Runs and presented with a winter coat…
Flaky 430 Runs
Golden cascade 265 Runs
Stitched up 90 Runs
Elephant ass 140 Runs
Aphrodisiac 125 Runs
Cradle snatcher 85 Runs
Dog tired… what a lovely day…The animals on two legs all went out again what another walk?? More beer… food??? who knows it was all too much for me… fell asleep on the floor of tightarses car all warm and cozy with my half sisters, even tightarse wearing just his red bugs bunny boxer shorts failed rouse me..Though think my owners face was nearly the same color!!!
WOOF, WOOF, CHLOE HASH PUP
Saturday 30th October Hares: Dipper, Gobbi, Karma & Golden Marks:9
Run No: 1170 - Halloween Special Mystery run
To my knowledge none of the following report bears any resemblance to any known person or persons thereof. This report is not responsible for in-offence caused, and all known whereabouts of any person involved is entirely fictitious. In other words this is all a pile of crap, dreamt up 3 weeks after the event. When I discovered I was supposed to be the scribe. I could have sworn that penance went to Mummy’s Boy, or was it Kinder?
I Shaggy, declare myself innocent of all charges of lateness, key theft, jabbering in the circle and any other misdemeanour that anyone sees fit to launch.
The headless coach pulled up, with several weird looking passengers peering out. Were the cute guy from SAW, with a contingent of the Russian SAS and I, Bride of Dracula going to hijack the bus on the road to hell? Hell, yes!
Actually the hares did that for us… though some might say it was like a school trip to Blackpool, with the coach boarding the roller coaster to get there…. In and out of every bend we weaved, lurching from one precipice to the next and vying for the road head on with every 10 ton truck. Marvellous……. The near death experience brought about a manic camaraderie with tanoid announcments like “look under your seats there you’ll find a light and a whistle, in case of emergency and we crash in to a disco”
Clonic Irragation kept our spirits up with his DJing prowess, prompting KaKa (who’d also raised a few spirits when she boarded) to have a music quiz in the style of Name that Tune, well that was at the front of the bus…….. not sure if the naughty ones were at the back….. it was a bit rowdy. Singing and yelping when the bus went too far over a corner. T’was a joyous occasion, when the coach came to a standstill on a level crossing of the AVE high speed track. NOT!
I turned to Aquasex and we agreed if we get out alive, we give ourselves a beer or two.
Those who had eyes ( there were a few hideous masks) saw their life flash before them. Songs from Reservoir Dogs sprang to mind (you know the one, he gets his ear cut off).
Only the singing and praying got us through and man! were we pleased to see the Grim Reaper. The wind howled, the rain squalled down on us but nothing would dampen our spirits…. Flash n Cash took our photos, most of us now adorning overgrown condoms in mint, strawberry and errr coffee flavour??
As soon as the pack took off, the clouds broke, the sun doing its best, against the dark forces at work….. Jerry Belly was carving a pig in readiness for the cavorting later, and the hares were ready to entice us with their picnic fayre.
The beerstoppe was a languid affair with warm air gathering around those who were eating the egg and pickle sandwiches. Belch. Urrrgh! A chance to recharge our glasses, uhhff ok, refill the smelly, leaky plastic water bottles. A field full of zombies, ghouls, monsters, serial vampire animal killers just lazed around and chewed the cud…. Till Yogi (Killer Zombie) finally rolled up and probably bared his arse in salute to the mortified (literally) crowd. And soon after we were off again.
We all marched through the little village, like a remake of Hot Fuzz, 28 days later had nothing on us hungry caterpillars. We were gonna hunt down the fun, get rampantly drunk and fill our boots with merriment.
Now, after how many weeks? I can still remember ….. what? Oh yes the views, ehhm no … the route, the ON ON? Ah yes, that must be it… our inate zombie flesh eating sense was driving us toward the sleepy village of BBQ Belly. A state of déjà vu wound its way through the hash hounds and we began to sense we’d all been there before. This groundhog feeling extended back many years and feelings of insatiable desire for drinking, shaking a leg, and bellowing traditional songs sparked a recurrent memory.
Low and behold we alighted at Jelly Belly´s in the backwater village of (where was it?) Christ you should know you´ve been there enough times.
The circle presided upon by Freddie Kruger amongst a coven of witches, luring nurses, black widows, comedy skeletons damsels in distress and Santas little helper all gouching in front of the church doors.
Circle closed we moved next door, the local hostelry complete with regulars who shot us strange looks and fell silent.
We were thinking we looked normal. Why the funny look?
Wheyy heeyyy once again at the coach house Inn, the incongruous keeper, Mr Jelly Belly greeted us with his beaming smile, watchful eyes and wayward children. We tucked in to equitable amounts of supper with gallons of the local vino, eyes reddened, knees stiffened and extremeties starting to spasm…
Let the singing begin! Oh Sweet Chariot and outside the church too!
Only the young coachman, who’d spent the night averting his eyes from the dance floor and nervously fidgeting with his watch whispered some plea in Cascade´s ear. “We have to leave before 9.30 or we are doomed...Doomed to damnation by this storm raging…..” no one had noticed the marquee starting to shudder and rip in the rain, nor the drips as they festered around the amplifiers…… and the guitarists played on.
A rendition of La Bamba by our 119 year old waiter, rocked the monster crowd, the only song missing – Thriller - we could have zombied our way back to the legless coach, though possibly terrifying small children forever.
The coach was thrown in to disarray when Dipper announced he was bereft of keys to his wagon and so his bed and change of clothes. The hares belongings were all at the mercy of whoever had the key. We searched and we looked, Aquasex was unconscious by this stage, finalising her impression of a dead zombie on the seat next to me. After every orifice on the coach had been explored, there could only be one place left - I found the key in her handbag, Aquasex …… it’s a good job you didn’t get on that plane with it! Jesus, I’d be writing this shit forever.
ON ON! Shaggy!
Eggshell´s Pics Shaggy´s Pics Radio KaKa´s Pics
Run No: 1169 - Valdocado / Mijas campo
Sun 24th October Hares: Tightarse & Pussy Galore Marks:8
You don’t have to read the report you could play this game instead…. Which hasher has met which famous person?
Fender Bender . Tightarse . Karma Chameleon . Yogi Bear . Big Mac . Spermaid
Peter Beardsley Simon Cowell John Peel Hannah Murray Hannah Murray Osama Bin Laden
If not read this…….. 1………2……………3………..
Karma and Cascade (Flash n Cash) arrived an hour early and found the hares, Pussy Galore and Tightarse on a picnic blanket quaffing wine. Looking like they hadn’t a care in the world, they’d set the run; put the signs out – what else was there to do?
Meanwhile, I was bumping along the road towards Valtocado pueblo, dreaming of chocolate brownies at the beer stop, when Tightarse came hare-arsing round the corner on two wheels............ . ‘Oh god did I miss the sign’... he was the HARE and it was 5 minutes to 4 and hurtling in the opposite direction. I did a quick turn around to chase him, but a cloud of burning rubber was all that was left.
There in the distance was an army of colorful figures – I bet the early arrivals were Spermaid Rub herTurd, Big Mac. Set against the bluest sky of October it looked like a rainbow assault on Fuengirola was being planned.
Then we were off, all 40 odd of us plus dogs, babies, old men and injured soldiers. The first check led the pack past the house down in to the valley. The pack’s cries were heard everywhere... First the FRBґs were leading, then they were following and at one time the hounds were strewn across every hillock, arms waving, tails wagging.
Apparently the hares reccied 6 times (they obviously like to do it a lot). ... All the dogs had a chance for a dip in the sewage, toxic stream and come out green. We reached another check at the bottom of the long valley, Big Mack and his ever running son (Cascade is now in recovery!) found the right path... an irrigation stream that gave the pack vertigo. The Cirque du Solail had trained on… ‘dont look down’ so what do you do? Look down....
Then back up on to the track towards the old ruin that was the very welcome beerstop..... and like a trail of ants we all made it in together. No sign of sweet oranges but who cares there were crisps and beer.
It’s probably easier to name those who did the second half than those that didn’t. I observed, along with other short cutting bastards the spidery figures clinging to the side of the steep terrain. ..Physical Jerk and his flirty bitch leading Blue into the distance, Gangplank thinking it was the quickest route. Dicktaker and Split Pussy marching up the side and making it look easy. Big Mack, the son Fit Mack (has he got a name) who just kept going and going… he must be in Burgos by now…
Back at the circle after we’d scoffed more crisps, eventually, we formed a space ship shape on the sloping ground, once Tightarse had hurtled back from disappearing again.
Mummy’s boy as GM remembered what to do and called in the hares for a round up from the pack, a unanimous nearly 9. Then the virgins, we’ll probably never see them again, were called in.
Returners and anniversarios were blessed
Ruskie Puskie 20 Gobichov 250 Septic Scrotum 150 and a badge! Big Mac 75 Streaky 175 Ou est lepapier 5
Various sins were committed and brought to our attention by Colonic the RA
Tightarse the hare for not supplying enough beer NOR having down down cups AND causing Shaggy confusion, therefore lateness and now this nonsense.
Shaggy for being stupid.
Ou est lepapier? Wearing a Russian fanny on his head, the sweaty curls …… verified by Clonks tongue as that of Gobichov’s growler.
Flakey wearing his incontinence trousers, over Elephant Arses offer of www.asiangirls.cum at his place and Don’t bring Stiff…. that would be like taking a sandwich to a banquet.
RuskiPuski for being too well dressed, still managing to be Russian and giving her orders to Clonk, whilst he’s feeding Elvis.
Cash and Flash, neither of whom did the run but turned up and looked good.
Yogi Hilfiger for flashing his arse…….. He’s back!
Spermaid and Rub her Turd – got pelted in grass, dirt, stones, raisins and goat shit – for being too clean, no for being German! Next time bring your passports!
Septic for having his bollocks kicked in by Dictaker and being abused in the nuts area.
There was almost a Christening, then some confusion on part of the space ship with Clonk dismayed at the unruliness. Thus ending the proceeding and leaving Jayne nameless but we do have a chance to think up something really good……. Bollock Chops……….. loveballs, derem derem derem ideas for the headless coach journey….on Saturday…..
With the circle closed a good 20 or so made it to La Bomba including myself and it truly was scrummy with real meat and gravy and the most divine tomato soup…… hmmm it beat Heinz. Or Chinese cat food.
So suggestions for more good ON ONs are as follows….
At Noma in Copenhagen
California 7 in Fuengi cos he would do a big plate of Steak and Kidney pie n mash with apple crumble n Custard after for about 12€
Little Italy in Ashulia outside Dhaka Bangladesh
Bukingham Palace
Ringos
3…………..2……………1……..you’re back in the real world.
Shaggi
Run No: 1168 - Marbella Campo
Sun 17th October Hares: Gangbang & Marshy Peas Marks:tba
Just a quick thanks for the hospitality you gave us septics at the hash today (Sunday, Oct 17th). We had a fantastic time and hope to see you in Alaska sometime! Let us know if you plan on being in Anchorage and we we will give you a big Alaska welcome!
Cheryl
Run No: 1167 - Alozaina Campo
Sun 10th October Hare: Dadodildo Marks:8.7
As a penalty for having been caught sitting on the cool box, I, Fanny Craddock (re-nicknamed Crunchy Haddock by Flakey) have been nominated as Hash Scribe for this run and as this is my first attempt, I beg forgiveness in advance for any possible lack or deficiency.
There was not a great turn-out to this Hash, which was held up in the outer regions near Guaro and Alozaina where the air is oh so fresh and clean.
Possibly the majority of the group were still recovering from last week-end in Ceuta; however we still numbered around twenty or so.
The run started with a ‘slow walk’ up the hill, where we found the first check almost immediately. The only FRB was Muff Diver, as everybody else seemed to be feeling a little old and decrepit!! He did a very good job of keeping the pack together as he ran in every one of the directions, each time we came to a check!
The trail led us across the river and we had a good, fairly easy jaunt for about 45 minutes up and down hill and through lemon and pomegranate groves; where several of the Hashers managed to avail themselves of forbidden fruit.
The beer stop was quite average, but lasted about 15 minutes as nobody seemed in a hurry to leave, and the second half of the ‘run’ was fairly short, up and down the hill again and back across the river. The excuse for the shortness being the threat of heavy rain, which managed to stay away for the duration and we had a good circle.
The run had an average score of 8.7 according to the G.M. who by the way, left early after nominating Fender Bender to take his place.
Golden Cascade lovingly provided us with a tray of ice cubes for the chosen few to sit on, among these, High Maintenance, Cranny Faddock, Shagadelic, and Willy Wanker, whom the R.A. in his prime, had picked on for no apparent reason.... Gangplank celebrated his renunciation of white wine drinking, and we had a visit from some Norwegian bod who came to politely tell us that we needed permission from the Ayuntamiento to even be there in the first place!
The On On was held in a local eating house, but I believe there were only a few participants. I was not one of them as the narrow winding road home was beckoning and I thought it somewhat impolitic to be drinking wine before attempting it.
However, it was a great day and I’m sure that a good time was had by all.
Cranny Faddock
Daffodildoґs Photos here: http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/daffadildo/10thOctHash?authkey=Gv1sRgCNqDtbP98eqKrQE#
RUN NO's: 1165 & 1166 - CEUTA on the North African Coast
Fri 1st - Sun 3rd October
HARES: Sat:- Stiffany & Colonic
Sun:-Radio Caca & Flakey
MARKS: 9.3 Saturday & 9.3 Sunday. No domestics at Casa Flakes !!
Twenty Two Intrepid Hashers came together from as far away as Aberdeen, Berne and Rabat, by land, by sea and by air, with nearly half taking the spectacular Helicopter trip between the Twin Pillars of Hercules. The weekend got under way with a taste of North Africa at the Ryad Ahlam Restaurant.
Plan B soon went into action on day two. The GM who had recce'd the enclave decided to check out the emergency medical facilities just in case they were needed. Nine point nine out of ten was awarded, for the brand new state of the art University Hospital and the Swedish Doctor who gave the tour whilst Veuve C enjoyed some much needed rest. Fortunately, Colonic, the only other driver on the trip, had been given a five minute briefing of Ceuta and the run area and was drafted in to co hare the run with Stiffany. Nothing like being thrown in at the deep end, setting a run at a moments notice on foreign soil and without a recce by either hare.
If life was so simple. The hares had been told by the GM to take the route along the beach to Benzu and then up the Mountain to the first Watchtower, below the Mirador on the North side. The Taxi drivers were given the same info but decided to go the much longer route via the South side and stop at the Watchtower over there! Get the picture? and there is no telephone reception. After combing the area and driving off the mountain get limited reception the GM figured out what had happened and repatriated the troops.
The Hash was off, through woodland trails to the first beer stop with spectacular views over the straights of Gibralter. An extra loop had been added at the last minute and so off on the second leg. Rubber Turd dissappeared into the distance apparently heading for a swim only to find the hares had been foxy and found a trail? off to the right, and down a narrow gully and on through the undergrowth that circled another Watchtower and finally led back to THE beerstop, yes, the same as before - becoming something of a feature on Stiffs runs!
Off again, this time around the boundary fence of a Guardia barracks. On through the woods to a third Watchtower and a long check back. This time we hit the Morroccon border with its high Colditz fencing and modern watchtowers. Oh dear the GM took a zoomed photo of the gaurd in his box and sure enough three minutes down the trail we are stopped and questioned and after confirming we were just a bunch of loonies, were asked to delete any photos of the border - see the attached! This was not the first encounter with the Guardia - the Hares had been stopped a couple of times, going out of bounds and it was far from being the last time! Finally some two hours plus from setting out the Hashers returned to the circle.
The Guardia turned up again, but this time with a well endowed officer who took control of the circle, The usual down downs ensued and Pubic Relations from the Rabat Hash gave Flakey and Radio C a down down for bringing Arab clothing into disrepute. Likk'mm dispensed further down downs and a magnificant effort by the hares was rightly awarded with a 9.3 on the Richter Scale and calls for icing the GM.
On On to the now recognizable Mirador Restaurant. Adequete portions for mice and Veuve C, but not for grown men. The views and company were tremendous though, Pacharan flowed and the singing led by Colonic got louder and the fashion conscious tried to entertain us with some strange dancing.
More encounters with the Gaurdia, the GM attempting a shuttle service was firstly
breathalized on the road back from Ceuta to Benzu, then half way up the mountain he had to explain why the boot was full of beer and he had no driving licence (stolen) and on the way down he was again flagged down, before shouting "its only me" and continuing with barely a reduction in speed. So much for setting Hashes besides East meets West borders!
Sunday's Hare of the Dog run started less dramatically. Our two friends from Rabat were nowhere to be seen, last seen out on the town at 3.30am by those with obviously the stronger Mijas constitution.The taxi's found the Fortesa this time - the GM making sure by riding shotgun with the lead taxi. The Hares made a pre- emptive assault on the Gaurdia and Military by sending in the harriets and assuring them no photo's would be taken (see group photo!) and the only private property that had to be crossed was given the all clear after the passing of a carton of cigarretes. Job done.
This really was Hare of the Dog stuff. Starting out at the highest point on the headland and going level or downhill all the way to the beach. Again stunning views, no black stuff in sight (Flakey had complained the previous day that we had crossed it twice!) and ending with a dip in the sea.
Eventually Rabat arrived, gave poor apology for their absence and were given down downs to one of Likk'mm's many verses and the Hares were awarded a very deservable 9.3 which happened to be the same as Saturdays run!
ON ON to Restaurant Nautico on the beach which cost €8 for hors d'heuvres of olives and prawns, paella or other, platter of mixed seafood or other, dessert and as much beer or vino callapso as you can drink, which doesn't mean you can drink it out of the jug Speed Bumps. Quantity and half reasonable quality, no wonder the place was heaving and we all look forward to a rebate from our cashier!
Most travelled back across the waves and four not two, headed into Morocco!!
ON ON
VEUVE CLITOT & MUMMY'S BOY
Run 1164 - Sunday Sept 26th Hare: Speedbumps
As part of
his punishment for failing to write up last week’s Hash, Big Mac was again
appointed Scribe for this run. This was a coastal affair organised by
Speed Bumps with or without the assistance of her new Beau who she was showing
off to the Hash. She had bravely put markings in flour on the N340 to
guide us to the start point. There was a good turnout including the annual
appearance of El Cid accompanied by a posse of Policemen who were guests of
Ginger Minge. Panic broke out in the ranks of the Hash as these visitors
appeared to be quite fit. The run set off into less than salubrious
surroundings and our nostrils were assaulted by various unpleasant odours
including that of a dead cat. We then took to the gullies and the FRB’s
simply lost sight of the trail at one point. Eventually one of our midst
found a check-back marking and we stumbled across the correct flour and
continued until hitting the shore line and then shortly thereafter the welcome
signs of the beer stop. The FRB’s partook of their refreshment and waited
for the Walkers and Quasi-runners to arrive. They never did and so the
runners set off of Part Deux. This involved much beach and dune running to
the amusement of the (mainly British) tourists who were taking in the evening
sun. Eventually the trail headed back up towards the N340 as it had to do
and we passed through yet another tunnel and were soon back at the start where
of course we expected to find the Walkers whom we assumed had given up probably
at the same point that we had lost the trail earlier. However, Speed Bumps
informed us that no sooner had we left the beer stop, the Walkers had appeared
full of praise for the challenging run. After about 15 minutes or two
beers in Hash Currency, the Walkers strolled in proud of their modest
achievement. A further argument ensued as to who had been on flour or not
led as always by Karma Chameleon. The GM then called the circle and
welcomed the Virgins and the sad anniversarios. The RA then took over and
there was a naming ceremony for young (7 years old) Luke and the consensus was
that Lookey-Lookey Man was an appropriate epithet. The sleeve was
liberally dispensed by the RA with strong support from the baying gladiatorial
pack. The on-on had originally been announced by Speed Bumps as the
Dragon’s Den Chinese Opium Den – or something like that – and all of two Hashers
indicated their willingness to risk a meal there. A poll was taken up to
sound out interest for the German restaurant resulting in 100% improvement in
numbers. Finally, Stiff Fanny proposed a third option – El Bruco –
to which I gather a more respectable crowd retired.
Big Mac
Run 1163 - Sunday Sept 19th Hare: Golden Cascade & Swiss Roll
This belated run report is
brought to you by Big Mac following his public chastisement at this week’s run
for having forgotten to compile it earlier. The run in question was
brought to us by the dynamic duo of Swiss Roll and Golden Cascade and set off
promisingly from the campo on the outskirts of Coin on a very pleasant evening.
The pack was first of all assaulted by a plague of wasps resulting in one of the
Hares being stung in her nether regions and concern was raised that we would be
conducting an irreligious event in a holy place (La Ermita). Water had
been promised on the run but we were probably not prepared for the volume and
depth that was made available to us (a change of clothes had been advised but
few of us reckoned that this would include underwear). Perhaps the Hares
should have advised bringing snorkels. In the first half the water hazard
was easily avoided by the weak and feeble runners who were able to take the
“high road” and watch as the rest of us floundered in the stream. So at
the beer stop there were some who bragged that they had managed to keep their
shoes and attire dry. It was also noticeable at the beer stop that the
walkers and quasi-runners had arrived some considerable time before the FRB’s.
There ensued a discussion as to who had been had been on flour and who had not;
why there should have been any discussion is a mystery to me as it was quite
clear that the walkers and taken – deliberately or otherwise – a serious
shortcut for which they were let off scot-free. However, after the beer
stop they got their comeuppance as the trail immediately veered into the river
which by now had benefitted from the previous day’s rain. We basically
hacked our way through jungle-like conditions in ever deeper water which
eventually reached waist high for the taller runner and possibly submerged the
vertically challenged. In fact, the second half of the run was almost entirely
in water and when we finally emerged into civilisation the run-in was
disappointingly mostly on tarmac but rather picturesque nonetheless. The
wasps were still attacking throughout the circle and some pilgrims appeared to
collect holy water which hashers mistakenly took for beer. A head count
for the on-on produced a disappointing number and of this number several failed
to appear at the chosen venue causing embarrassment to Swissy who had organised
a very nice and inexpensive spread at the Cruz de la Piedra. No doubt the
committee will wish to consider sanctions.
Big Mac
Run 1162 - Jewish New Year - Sunday Sept 12th Hare: Upyerbum & Tightarse
Marks: 6.8
Run 1161 - Back to Skool Run - Sunday Sept 5th Hare: 2-Pies & Daffa
Pictures supplied by Tightarse
Run 1160 -
Sunday Aug 30th
Hares:
Tightarse & Pussy Galore.jpg)
.jpg)
Run 1159 - Monday Aug 23rd Hares: Streaky/Stiffanny
Here I am as Hash scribe again. I really need to get a grip on my time keeping if I am to avoid serving this penance every week.
By the time I arrived there was some 30 or so hashers circled up in the shadow
of
Circle completed and photo taken the hares sent us on our way telling us the fence near the beach was a check for the start of the run. The pack quickly spread out to look for any sign of flour to indicate the trail. Some went left down the beach some went right. Some went up towards the castle some went up towards the road. Then everybody swapped around and tried the different directions they had not yet tried. Shouts of “are you?” could be heard resounding from all directions but to no avail. We felt like we had run a full hash and not enough flour to make a single digestive biscuit had been seen.
Suddenly the call of On On echoed out, the call soon taken up and repeated by the rest of the hash pack like wolves howling at the moon. I joined up at the back of the pack winding their way up to the castle at which point there was a check. I took a small dirt road going around the castle but there was no sign of a trail there. By the time I returned to the check there was not a hasher to be seen anywhere. Not to worry I was on the highest point for miles around, I would soon spot the pack. I looked down to the new foot bridge nope couldn’t see anyone there. So I wandered over to the tents and looked down to the N340 and Myramar, nope not a soul there either. Then looking out towards Club le Costa I could see someone enthusiastically running across the foot bridge ah ha……… But no!!! it was just a solo jogger. Where the hell had they all vanished to in 2 minutes flat??? I wandered over to a Spanish family who were sat on the wall working their way through their ice creams and asked them if they had seen a large group of people and if so which way they went??? He became excited and animated pointing over to the footbridge telling me yes they all went off in that direction running like the clappers (doesn’t sound like most of the hashers I know But still.)
As I entered the castle car park There was a check but I didn’t need to consider that. My Spanish informant had let me know he had seen them all running in the direction of the new footbridge so that’s where I was going. Having reached and crossed said bridge again not a grain of flour or gram of hasher was to be seen anywhere!!! Thanks for the directions...... NOT!!! I went back to the check and started to scout about for the trail. Just as I picked the trail up disappearing under the bridge towards Myramar speedsbumps screeched to a halt beside me and asked “have they started yet???” It was five to eight by now I can only assume she was working on the Morrocan time zone and was therefore an hour behind everyone else. Yet another check the other side of the bridge, no the trail didn’t go up on to the motorway, neither did it go up the river bed!!! Eventually I picked up the trail again only to find another check outside the hotel 100 yards further down the road. Nope trail didn’t go up the steps opposite the hotel, then I found it heading out towards the racecourse only to be met by a CB!!! This was getting very frustrating.
Then the shout “are you???” cut through the evening air, Looking up to the crest of the hill I could see the whole of the hash pack silhouetted by the setting sun. Well there’s a touch of luck. Shortcutting through the CB I was back with the pack. Up yer bum was trying to call the pack up a grassy bank saying the trail is up here on on but no one was listening. Sceptic Scrotum could be seen as a small dot disappearing in the distance as he made his way to the sumit of a bloody great hill. Best foot forward I set off after him. I arrived at the top of the hill to find the rest of the pack again mulling around at yet another check. I had barely arrived before the call “on on” went up right beside me. I set of down the trail calling the rest of the pack on. It was totally satisfying to hear Sceptic call from waaaaay behind me, “where the hell have you been tight arse and how the hell are you at the front??”
From here on in was a long run down narrow tracks and up the river until the BS sign was spotted. A quick paddle across the river and there was the welcoming sight of cold beer and cake. The Hares had chosen as the site for their beer stop a beautiful setting surrounded by bamboo with the river gently wending its way past and the sewage works on the other side of the river. MMmmm if you didn’t want any of the cake or drinks you could just savour and chew on the sweet aroma drifting across the river.
After the usual beer stop banter the pack was ready for the off again. The hares tried to send us up the river but after a few minutes debate it was decided since it was nearly nine o’clock to do the full second half would just take to long. So the hares pointed the pack off in a shortened direction back to the cars. (As an aside I always feel sorry for a hare when they have gone to all the effort of laying a section of trail and it doesn’t get used.) The trail back wound through the bamboos taking us nearer and nearer to the Gypsy camp. Up yer Bum was behind me and kept up a constant dialogue of: Stay together, don’t leave me, watch out for the Gypsies, stop calling on on you’ll let them know we’re here. Possibly due to the fact last time a run went near the Gypsy camp she had her dog, jewellery and chastity stolen. She complained voraciously about the dog and the jewellery.
We emerged from the bamboo for a run down the river bed, along the beach and back to the run site. The circle was held on the beach and the run was as always offered to the circle for criticism. It was generally well received and awarded a mark of 8.5 (If memory serves me right and it may not!!!) Colonic presided over proceedings as RA as per usual. Cleansing all the hashers of their multitude of sins, of which there were many. The main highlight being his detailed description of how at the previous weeks run/on on Radio ka ka had been gagging for a shag (I always knew it) and with the collusion of her cousin they both tried to lure Sceptic Scrotum of to a secluded spot so they could have their wicked way with him. (Apparently Colonic had pointed out to her that that day was her last chance to get laid while she was in her twenties. If she left it until the following day she would be shagging as a thirty something.) It was all too much for Sceptic and he sought sanctuary on Colonics sofa slipping into a drunken sleep.
With the circle closed the barbecue on the beach was lit and cooking started. A quick swim got rid of the sweat and dust from the hash and I then proceeded to chat with an extremely sexy Spanish girly that had appeared as if by magic. I have no idea what went on with everyone else but I can tell you what she was wearing, the colour of her hair, colour of her eyes, what she was doing the following weekend etc etc. Everything settled into a nice easy beach party and it was well on its way to one o’clock by the time I left to head for my bed. As always with the hash a thoroughly enjoyable evening.
On On
Tightarse.
Run 1158 - Sunday Aug 15th Hares: Colonic/Radio Kaka & Speedbumps
The birthday hash........Colonic's Caca's and Speedbumps!
Shaggy
slept on Speedbump's sofa for the second night running & woke up with 3 dogs
licking her ears.
If anyone is dxyslexic...... that's A R S E. 'Fabi did you set the alarm?'
...'Errr yes...' she opened her eyes, 'oh errrhhhmmm it only goes off
Monday to Friday.'
So the two latehashers... (Speedbumps being a hare) pitched up to find a full circle & Elvis aka Colonic with slightly bigger sideburns than last time, resting his glasses in Radio CaCa’s (Oh my lord 6 inch fuchsia stilettos) cleavage.
Two Pies made the late arrivals have a beer for breakfast then told them to scribe, which was going to mean another late report. This is Speedbumps and Shaggy youґre dealing with, one is useless and the other has no concept of time.
As Dogsy was also in the Doghouse for growing old and senile. Elvis stepped in to describe the ON ON...... Elvis doing Del Boy or Del boy doing Elvis, doing Clonk! '...NO I won’t charge you 15 Euros for the hash, NO don’t think I’ll even charge you 12, ladies and gentleman I give it to you,.... a hash ON ON for 10 euros!!'
more of that later.
So the run commenced......... and the scribes called their respective dogs...... Fabi had all 3 dogs shawn to the bone......... Shaggy didnґt recognise hers in the pack the whole way round.
Through riverbeds and jungles, the hashers stayed together then were diverted by a vigilante breeding birds? frogs? endangered species?. We thrashed our way though to the beer stop...... Compulsory Cava served by our Party Hares CACA and CLONK........ by this point only 2 virgins were missing in action .... luckily the Mijas hash road ran parallel to the jungle... We then tunnelled our way back to Casa Colons, refreshed ourselves with more beer and didn't wait too long for the frivolity in the garden.
The circle.
Presided upon by Father Flakey one of the trio of Brothel Boys. Two Pies had unearthed the ungodly fact that no sooner had Stiffanny been deposited at Malaga airport, the boys were back at Flakeys, up to their necks in beers, football, and mischief. Gate crashing the neighbours Puti' Club to get a glimpse of what went on ...
The hose was brought out to extreme effect and every sinner was thoroughly cleansed with a good soaking from Clonk's large hose. Dog lovers, dog haters the lot!
More
flour please vicar........Is a prick on the tongue as good as one in the bush?
Ask Prickeator, she went for it and was duly christened, once Fabs had dispensed
with the large prick from her mouth.
More flour vicar.......Cake time and hysterics followed when Flakey
tripletanuously concocted a gunky mess on CaCa, Colonic and Speedbumps, joined
together at the head and subjected to the masterchefs lascivious recipe of all
their wobbly bits and plenty of eggs, milk ketchup and flour.
Willy Wankersґwilly warmer was looking on top form in the hashs first designer
dress..
T-shirts hand threaded by 4 yr old Shri Lankan orphans were meted out in a scrum melee, mainly due to the fact they were FREE! Thank you...Big Mac 0 to 60 – in no time.
And the big news........ Knockout 2 pies and Mermaid not only getting married on the 19th August… which is another of the hashes worst kept secrets but beating that by going on permanent honeymoon in Antigua. Note for the committee……. Organise Mijas away Hash with subsidiary on Virgin…. And will the Antigua hashers put us up in the garden if we bring our own tents.
The Birthday Hash was awarded an 8.9 bordering on 9 - which, had the marks come in after the ONON! Would surely have been a 9.9.
Tweetski Pie was our BBQ chef.. and the Elvis burgers were yumptious! DJ Elvis outdid himself again and all the frivolity from the pool began.
On Fabiґs side: there was a gaggle of piranhas trying to devower her bikini. From the other side a bunch of hashers "waterstanding" while the sharks were finding the blob of metal... the word "bastards"... was bandied about by both teams. There was just as much fun attempting to get the entire pack on to the floating waterbed. Legs and arms akimbo, dive bombers and belly floppers entertaining the non swimmers. Henry was using speed bumps bumps to hold on to place on the life raft... which had turned into Twister on the water. Gobble Her & Nailher won the wet t-shirt competition by not wearing one and Mummyґs boy launched himself in the pool, followed by his dog, who then decided to bite anyone not swimming.
Golden Cascade did not want to go in Pool, so hashers being hashers they picked her up and threw her in the pool with deck chair, as of today the Taliban toe has been amputated. :)
The Gangbang Clonk offspring all seemed at home - overflowing bar, overflowing pool…. Baby Elvis who is the spit of his Dad, was planning his next joke grimacing and winking at all the girls. Natasha tell me you’ve just been hiding a cushion up your jumper for 9 months? She looks blooming gorgeous, her video will be out for christmas.
All in all it was a fantastic day for the birthday hares and the late one! Well done and a big thank you from all the hashers......... hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray!
Shaggy and Speedbumps
Run 1157 - Aug 9th Hares: Septic Scrotum & Jim
THE “BUGGER” Run
Well there I was having a lovely cold beer and a Tapa with my Mum, on deciding another cold beer was needed I made my way back up to the bar and awaited service, it was then I glanced down at my watch !!! “Bugger” the run starts in 15 minutes!!! well that is how I became scribe.
I arrived at an empty run site 30 minutes behind the rest of the pack, if there is one thing I like is a good chase, so with “Blue” my trusty friend and son that I never had, we set off to find the trail and the rest of the pack.
After 3 attempts we eventually got out of the parking area and across a bridge spanning the A7 motorway. On On, I called to Blue who struggled to keep up with me, as I took the split trail down the road “bugger” it was the wrong way, Blue was waiting at the split for on my return, we then both took the correct split trail.
On On again on the right trail and deeper into the campo, I should be seeing all those slow buggers soon I thought “wrong” the hare took us across an obvious check point where the trail crossed another major trail but nothing? The trail continued up the hill, come on lads this is a no brainer it was such an obvious back check !!!! So Flakey the master hasher and trail sniffer extraordinare went left to an abandoned finca and some derelict pikies caravan but no trail????? “Bugger” back to the trail up the hill, the other trail was going down the hill, and I could not be arsed going down there so on up and follow the trail, well after what seemed like kilometers I came to the brow of the hill only to find a CB “Bugger” back down the hill to the spot where I was too lazy to check out.
Blue and I started to keep up a good pace, this was mainly due to the fact that we where running down hill ! through two gates and there on the next hill was the beer stop, good first half and now back with the pack I could relax have a walk and a natter with fellow hashers.
The second half took us through a council estate where “Mounty” was sqatting in a derelict house with what looked like a swimming pool which needed finishing, luckily we got through the estate without being mugged.
The highlight of the second half of the run was a stream crossing followed by a bamboo tunnel hacked thru by the hares well done boys! Next came another beer stop “bugger” more beer, great views from another derelict house (Mounty was seen checking the foundations !! another possible squat??).
On-in from here was an easy jog back to the cars, I got back only to find I had left Blues lead at the beer stop “Bugger” I will have to go back after the circle.
The circle was a dark affair; in fact it was pitch black “Jim” was named “Toxic Bollocks” and numerous things happened but I had to leave to get Blues lead.
The ON ON ON was a great bash, good food and plenty of vino.
Well done Septic Scrotum and Toxic Bollocks for a great Hash.
I think a vote of 8 was given
On On Flakey
Run 1156 - Aug 2nd Hares: Septic Scrotum & Jim
Belenmadena- Tapa crawl - 4 beer stops Marks:9.5
Run 1155 - July 26th Hares: Pussy Galore & Cuntstable Pussie
End of June on a
very very hot afternoon , one would think the hairs,( double pussy act,) would
think of us the poor hashers that come to have a wonderful afternoon , drink and
joke and have a nice short run, and just enjoy ourselves???? Nooooooooooooooo,
they do every thing but !!!!!!!! long and hard and never ending !!!! (I must
admit it I do like it but not a run)
It is probably harder to set a short and interesting run than along and boring
one.
Dippers ",quote" he should know!!! after doing over 555 hashes, just ask him how it should be done properly! Don't know what to think is there a new terrorist group on the up rise on the hash???
There a conspiracy to get rid of the older hashers...., the very young...... and the Spanish man,(the only one we have) and he has suffered an injury , a broken wrist?? Will we ever see him again I wonder ??
Dogsy and yours truly are thinking we will have to retire if the runs continue to be so difficult(one good way getting rid of hashers)
Don't get me wrong I know a lot of effort goes in to setting any run and I do appreciate it,.....but.................save the long and hard for the colder days please???
loved the beer stop as everyone else did a good effort to get us tipsy and forgive them for the hardship, and they almost succeeded, the run was awarded a good 7and a 1/4 ???
The circle was short and sweet as it was getting late for the on on on , so this gorgeous sophisticated well endowed RA !!! cleansed us of our sins as usual but much quicker cant remember such a short one (the circle) for a long time-
Dipper was given a badge for 555 runs
itchy and scratchy for 5 0??
didn't make it to the on on so the report ends here.
Your scribe
Up Yer Bum(U.Y.B. for short)
Run 1154 - July 19th Hares: The Mountie & P.E.Defile
Some 27ish hashers assembled for this widely reported short trot in the campo run. What lies that turned out to be!!!
Mounty and Ronan formally known as P.E. Der File, were the hares to set out this weeks enjoyable stroll.
ALL BOLLOCKS!!!!
this was a 34 degree mid summer marathon which totaled 12 k!!!!
Poor Mick, a second visiting virgin was admitted to hospital the next day with exhaustion.
The galliant RA who did the whole thing was fine.
The fu***ng hares nearly killed poor El CID who is on his last legs anyway!
Well, I digress, The run went up and up and up and up................................and up and up and up to the first beer stop in Calahonda. Then down and down and down and down to the second BS in south Africa somewhere! Then the run went up and up and up and up................................and up and up and up to the cars.
The circle was called and Rownan was re named by the Almighty and powerfully, handsome (with a massive cock, by the way) RA.
WWWW suggested the name *Physical Jerk* and was excepted by the now fu**ed hashers.
Many sins and many down downs, bla de bla de bla!
Apparently the on on on ended around 1am!!!!!!
The score was 7.5 but I gave it what it should have been HASH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
Still, loved it really lads, great effort on this one. Don't forget, it's my job to break your balls a bit ;)
ON ON! Your RA. The Colon Boy
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Run 1153 - July 12th Hare: Jerry Can
28 Hashers including virgin hasher Mick and a couple of visitors gathered in the hills near Elviria on a balmy Monday evening. The circle was called and Cryogenic and Freezer Bender were called in to collect hash shit for their poor run on the Sunday of the campout. Golden and Swiss Roll were also called in to commemorate Spain’s recent sporting successes, Viva Espaсa!
After the marking’s had been explained the pack set off in search of the trail. The trail was well marked and it didn’t take long for the pack to become spread out as the checks were quickly cracked by the FRB’s. As promised, the trail had a low prick factor as most of the running was on wide campo tracks. This was questioned afterwards by one of the visitors but as he arrived at the beer stop 15 minutes before the rest of the pack, I think he may have found an alternative route?
At the front of the pack the beer stop was spotted in the distance but no, we were mistaken as it was only the afore mentioned visitor enjoying a caсa in the beer garden of a local bar!
The real beer stop was found 100m further on, set in a well shaded clearing providing a welcome respite from the late evening heat. There was plenty of time for liquid refreshment as several hashers had somehow managed to get a little lost.
Leaving the beer stop the trail turned back on itself providing the opportunity for a little short-cutting by some, and rather significant short-cutting by others.
Back at the run site the circle was called, Hare Jerry called in and given an overall 8 ѕ for his efforts. Jerry was also awarded a down-down for having difficulty finding his own beer stop.
Anniversaries…several…none that I can remember though so apologies.
With the RA in charge of proceedings, many sins were cleansed including:
Returners (of which there were many)
Mick the professional stunt man for bringing work to the hash
Dicktaker and Split pussy for showing off their tattoos
Failure to wear something Spanish in recognition of the World Cup victory
Several other sins but as I suffer from ADD I can’t remember.
Finally, having completed 5 (6) runs Ronan was called in for christening. Several suggestions were put forward including Bollock Chops, Ronan Cheating and P.E. derphile. The slightly controversial P.E. derphile was voted by the assembled pack. I can only assume that it means a love of sport…
On On was held at a beach restaurant in El Rosario. As I didn’t attend I can’t comment on it.
Your scribe, P.E. derphile
Run 1152 - July 5th Hare: 5 Mil
I only turned up to sort out the hare line. To busy, going sailing. but was co erced, into doing the run, even though I only had a pair of flip flops on. So with a hash shirt borrowed from Streaky, I was classed by Flakey as being fully equipt and left to do the run, whilst he went off to the pub, excused due to his latest cosmetic surgery procedure.
We set of at the usual steaming pace only to be slowed down almost immediately to a slow trudge up to the castle, Great views and then off down the beach, a good Cb and then over the footbridge and into the campo, a couple more excellent checks that found the entire pack back together again on a plateau overlooking the Coast line.
After looking for all the obvious trails and finding every false, we eventually found the correct trail and set of again, expecting the beer stop to be just around the corner. Fooled again.
What has 5 Mil been taking! The hill of death, Lost us a few, we sent Septic down and backup to check it out. It was the right way but it was just to much for a few who decided the cars where a better option. The rest of us braved the hill, and found ourselves eventually at the beer stop pretty much all together.
A few cleansing beers and we decided it was getting late so had better find our way home, a great second half found us back in about 20 minutes, a quick circle
It was supposed to be the American Independence day run, but the lack of support for that was evident. Fortunately there where a couple of campout tshirts with wigwams on the front, and a 750 run shirt with a cowboy on so they had to suffice. And Down Downs handed out to the owners.
Anyway, thankfully 5 Mil is back on the Viagra, and set us a great run, with, I think a final average of 8.7
Well done.
Your scribe Stiffanny
A very quick circle, as it was getting late, so off the the campsite for dinner, great value, fantastic Spaghetti Carbonara starter, and palatable vino 10 Euros.
Run 1151 - June 27th Hares: Radio KaKa &
Run 1149/1150 - June 18th/19th/20th - Castillo de la Frontera
Hares: Stiffanny & Flacky (Saturday) Colonic/Fender(Sunday)
Friday 18th
And so the scene was set for a rootinґ tootinґ weekend hootenanny at the (not so) ok campsite. Expecting to be eating beans out of a tin ґa la Blazing Saddles we packed our air freshener and set off in Stifffannyґs drinksmobile with four flat tyres and a warning to go slowly and not make any sudden movements. Having been told it would take no longer than an hour we arrived three hours later to find a few thirsty revellers already there panting for some refreshments. After being shown our Des Res by Hobble, we had a shag (not with Hobble) and donned our bestest bib and tucker and made our way to the dining hall. Half starved and in need of a bevvy we found the bar being manned(?) by Streak Of Piss who offered us a long, cool drink (which was politely declined I hasten to add ‘cos you never know with him!) but he retorted ‘donґt knock it til youґve tried it’ so I had a go!!!
Anyhows as the sun went down on us!!! Lord Bender, Fender of that ilk called a circle and talked some shite before chastising anyone even remotely thinking of going to watch the Footie. Since that meant practically everyone he found himself in the (unusually) pious position of reminding all & sundry that a whole lotta effort had gone into making our dinner & we should bloody well sit down, eat and be thankful. All of a sudden his self-righteous brother Colonic decided he could not possibly go either (perhaps because he was on Gangbang sprogwatch) and so the camp was split. Should I stay or should I go? I had a bit of a Clash (geddit!) of conscious but decided my country needed me and jumped into Flakeyґs jeep where he proceeded to risk life and limb taking hairpin bends at a rate of noughts. My mind wandered to the climax of The Italian Job and I started to whistle ґSelf Preservation Societyґ which didnґt exactly inspire confidence in the female passengers who left a bit of a puddle in the back seat apparently. (You know who you are Stitched Up!).
With our appetites also whetted for the weekend ahead by the stunning scenery, we finally settled down in a bar with a screen to watch England thrash Algeria 0-0.
Slinking home dejectedly, our spirits were raised by the music & merrymaking emanating from party central where the revelry was in full flow. A delicious and much appreciated curry was served and wolfed down hungrily. After a few more snifters I felt it necessary to throw a few shapes and felt I might also have to throw up my meal as well, so sensibly retired to my scratcher only to find 5 Mil snoring like a proverbial. The party continued long into the night and it was left to Septic to turn off the lights in the wee small hours which he did and then duly fell down a gorge in the dark looking for his tent. Could have something to do with the copious amounts of alcohol he had thrown down his neck in order to drown his sorrows after the England fiasco. Anyway Limp-Toed Scrotum has a certain ring to it!!
Sat 19th
Having finally managed some shuteye I found myself up at the crack of dawn (dawn wasnґt very happy about it so I made my excuses and left) and proceeded to the breakfast bar for the promised full English extravaganza. Well what can one say except, bravo chef! Having stuffed my face with bacon, eggs and yummy sausages I fancied a bit of toast, but no, this was denied me and the other hungry hashers ґcos someone, who shall remain nameless, had scoffed it and left the rest out for the dogs. Okay that Labrador did look a bit peckish (photos anyone?) but still and all!
With four hours to kill the sensible thing would have been to visit the castle, but hey! weґll be going to that tomorrow we thought, wonґt we? How wrong can you be! However THAT saga is for another day and another scribe! So we decided on a lazy afternoon before the big run at 3 OґClock. Pre-run circle was held and we were warned of the high prick risk factor, but just looking at Hare Flakey was warning enough, as he looked like heґd been self harming with one of the scary sharp kitchen knives that nearly had Pussyґs finger off (coulda renamed her fingerbobbed or fingered pussy!).
So with a maximum of fuss and much ado about very little the Hares Stifffanny and Flakey explained what was going on and what the markings meant but there was no virgins and no visitors so we all knew the score anyway and set off into the great unknown. And what a run it was! The shaded forest was perfect for running and we were kept cool by the river running along side us. The flora and the fauna would need a Wordsworth to do it justice, so suffice to say it was a greatly enjoyable and worthwhile way to spend a summer afternoon and well done the hares for the great effort that was expended on our behalf. Beer stop a couple of hours later took in some fantastic views of Gib and, refreshed, we set off again over some magnificent, big pipes (no not Speedbumps), and back along the side of the river to base camp.
As everyone sat around adrinking and achatting and re-enacting Russias Got Talent (courtesy of Tweetskie-Pie), I was despatched to source some ice. Being the loyal servant that I am, I duly set about my task with not a whimper of complaint, and how was I to be rewarded when I returned back later with said ice to find the circle already started ? Yes , youґve guessed it, I was made scribe for the day! Not wanting to dwell on the injustice of it all I bit my lip and silently cursed Fender who thinks heґs a bit of a rocknroller but heґs really more country and western so I just call him cunt for short! The run was a unanimous success and marks of 9.75 were awarded and the superlatives flowed and we all hugged and sang and made love (no, not really).
Circle on, and all hell broke loose as Colonic thought it was a good idea to have a buckinґbronco competition with Radio kaka versus Hugh, all I can say is I hope she had underwear on, although it was probably an interesting shade of brown by the end of it. Hugh? Well Hugh just looked like a rabbit caught in the headlamps. The competition was promptly despatched to the bin marked ґseemed like a good idea at the timeґ and abnormal service resumed with a christening for Pussyґs daughter who now sports the hash moniker Dicktaker, even though Pokercuntas would have been much more apt in the circumstances (i.e. she was dressed as an Indian squaw!) It was suggested Pokercuntas was unsuitable for someone of her tender years. Ah Dicktaker is much more acceptable then? Nobody said reason or logic had to come into it, did they? More down downs were awarded to Just Say Gwen for best Cowboy outfit, (where does she get her chaps?) and Arseholy for telling everyone earlier the mud wasґnt THAT deep and then disappearing leaving practically only her head in view like something out of Apocalypse Now! Flakey was also outed as a bit of a paedo with a penchant for young Itchy or was it Scratchy, which reminds me for (no apparent reason) that Kindergarden Kop is scheduled for a renaming!
On and On and On it went until Colonic absolved us one and all and we shuffled off to the food hut for our much anticipated barbecue with plenty of ribs, sausages, salads and fresh trout to be had and of course more wine and beer, not to mention some strong tasting sasperillas. Streaky had us all up doing some line dancing, although I think she would be more at home round a pole and I donґt mean a totem pole!! Speedbumps introduced her new best friend , a bewildered looking stray cyclist who she had designs on and who thanked us the next day for an interesting evening!! Make of that what you will.
As the almost obligatory hash conga weaved its way round the tables I disappeared to my hammock in anticipation of the next days run which was bound to be spectacular. Was it not?
Lest we forget. A big thank you to Rubherturd and Spermaid for kindly donating this years Campout T-shirt in remembrance of Limp-Toed Sloth who passed away earlier this year. Gone but not forgotten.
Y ґall have a nice day now!
To be continued………….
Dogs Bollox (Ghost-writer: Mary Hinge)
Scribe Report (Donkey Sheet) Run number 1150 Hair of the Dog run. Campout Weekend at, La Jarandilla, Castillo de la Frontera. 20th June 2010. Hares:- Cryogenic Irrigation & Freezer Bender.
The circle was called, by Hash Mattress at about 1100 hrs. What a splendid job she did. The two perpetrators of the previous day’s “Rocking Horse Rodeo” were suitably chastised. The Hares described the run, which strangely enough did not require a convoy of 4x4 vehicles!!!!!!
The hounds set off from the campsite, to a check at the entrance of the campsite. Many of the hounds followed the most obvious route, only to find, it wasn’t. Shame! This was followed by a fairly long checkback, which was followed by more checks, checkbacks, split trails, (by the way, all falses marked) and an absolutely stunning beerstop, which doubled as a mega checkback, all the way to the campsite. Short, yes! Tarmac, sorry! Those of you who spent most of the weekend begging us to do just that and there were many of you, must have loved that. Strange about memories!!!! Those of you who didn’t like it. Get over it. It was our run not yours. It was not the worst you have ever done and you will do worse again.
Everyone got back to the campsite, in plenty of time for the circle, the meal, packing up, and setting off for home in daylight.
At the beerstop, it was quite apparent, that there was some amongst the hounds who were not totally appreciative of the hare’s efforts, the giveaway signs were, ice on the car seats old beer cans etc. Not a problem in a battered old 4x4, but on the high quality leather seats of a recently purchased, expensive car, not a good idea. We would also be very appreciative, if whoever was trying to force the rear seats of Fender Benders car open, (beats us what you were trying to put in there) would you please contact FB and advise how you are going to put right the damage that was done. It would be a shame if the hash had to pay for the repairs. This was a Hash guys, put it in perspective.
Back at the campsite, it was time for the circle. The Hash Mattress called the hares, to account for their sins. Apparently, there were quite a lot of them. First, Cryogenic Irrigation was sat on the ice, whilst the first half of the “stage managed” circle, called for blood. Then Freezer Bender was sat on ice, whilst the other half of the “stage managed” circle called for blood. We got Hash Shit!!!!! No problem. We are big boys. Hash Shit is an honour. We wear it with pride. The strange thing though, is that, although there were a few Hashers who had the courage of their convictions and marked the hash on what few merits it had, many of the baying pack, calling for hash shit, were the same hashers who spent most of the weekend begging us to set a “nice” short easy run. Many more of the disenchanted haven’t been seen on the hareline for what seems to be decades. Practice what you preach guys.
Hash Mattress then handed the circle over to the RA. We thought it was going to be Flakey, but it looked more like, Roy Bean or Hanging Judge Jefferies, or maybe even Atilla the Hun. Anyway, he had all the beer and softies removed from the large cool boxes and incarcerated us in them, covered in ice. Thought we had already been iced. We were in those cool boxes for about nine hours. If you think that is exaggeration, you try sitting in ice for as long as we did and then tell us how long you were in there.
Hanging Judge Bean the Hun, then proceeded to invite Radio Caca to repeat the quiz she had prepared for the geeks and nerds of San Pedro, on the previous Thursday. We think Omar Khayam spent less time on his Rubiat. Anything to prolong the agony. Well, we suppose that, if you all didn’t have fun on the run, at least you did in the circle. Strange thing is though. I don’t remember anyone getting injured. I don’t remember anyone having to be rushed to hospital. I don’t remember Hashers arriving back half dead. Ring any bells!!!!!!! Last years Hares only got Hash Shit. And, last year, on the hair of the dog run, we got every accolade available for doing exactly the same as this year. Picky picky. Isn’t it strange though, you know the saying, “ revenge is a dish best served cold.” Watch this space!!!! By the way, when you spend that long in ice, you loose control of your faculties. So watch what you drink out of those cool boxes. The Religious Adviser further prolonged the agony with a succession of other sinners for a variety of reasons, such as anyone who actually gave the run a mark. Hobble Gobble for cooking without gas, or even electricity. Stifita for trying to pump up the world and Arseholey for something, but by then the grey matter had fully frozen and I can’t remember.
Eventually the RA got bored or couldn’t think of anything more to torture the hares for and handed the circle back to the Grand Mattress, who didn’t exactly show alacrity in releasing the shivering sinners, but eventually did and the circle gradually drew to a close.
After thawing out in a hot shower, another sumptuous meal was enjoyed. How Stiffanny managed all those meals on the budget of e35 per head I really can’t imagine, but I am sure I speak for everyone in saying a tremendous Well Done to the principle Hares, for a wonderful weekend.
Role on next Campout.
On On,
Your Hash Shits.
Run 1148 - June 13th - Barranco Blanco - Hare: Swiss Roll
The assembled mob of poorly coiffured hashers (apart from Veuve and your scribe) converged on the valley floor at Barranco Blanco…. Swiss greeting us all with a beaming smile as the sun had come out and plenty of hashers made it to the run site.
3 virgins, a few returners, a host of regulars and an army of dogs made up the pack. We were called to order and made to shuffle over to the markings which were outside of the circle. Once off it was a check immediately, the pack scattering and ON ON calls came from all over place. We finally headed off along the shredded/flour route. Mindy skipping along and leaping over ravines. Yogi taking up the rear with his trusty lens and Septic assisting Slipadictomy in avoiding Kinder. Cop was popping up like a merkat on heat at every hillock… and there were plenty of hillocks on this run, then a 26 foot drop from a CB to the route which was to take lead us in to the jungles of Apocalypse Now, Hobble’s Tenko nightmare.
Veuve Clitot was incognito in her newly grown locks, recognisable only by the bottle of Vino Sol in her grip….I wasn’t sure if it was Joanna Lumley making a cameo appearance.
We trekked deeper in to the bush and full of pricks it was. If the hash did talent shows it would be… I’m a Hasher get this prick out of here!… The jungle weeds were attacking us at every twist and turn till we finally made it the cooling waters of the Rio …Whereupon most people at the first sign of water knew they might as well just wade through it than try and avoid it…. KaKa, UYB, Tight Arse all having a jolley good go of doggy paddling through the most treacherous bit… it was Martin who REALLY showed them….. and teaching Veuve’s Waterdog how to do it. When we finally got to the waterfall….after several near death slips from the rocks, a kind of survival euphoria took over the mob. The gushing cascade had several stripping off and demonstrating how the advert should have looked. The very same shampoo would have sold far better with Kaka or Speedbumps or better still both of them under the waterfall not the visitor who flung off everything but his grundies.
Eggshell, who was with Fab Tastard and his girlfriend – a virgin, was relieved to find the run far from boring when Speedbumps she split her shorts.
Hobble was hyperventilating after finishing the first half by the skin of her knees, Summer skidding around on some wet rocks and Fender trying to save his phone and cigs from water damage…
Yogi decided Polly the dog was more important and dived in forgetting he was hashflash and had the camera…..one thing you can always rely on Yogi for….. coming back injured.. and showing his arse…. Depending on the photos he got, wrecking yet another camera… who has ever sweated a camera to destruction…. First the bed, now the cameras… what pictures are you taking Yogi?
Second half after a well earned rest…… we thought was just a straight hike back to the circle.. it turned out to be more interesting than that! Tight Arse claiming he knew the split trail would bear right and be breathtaking, only to find an F, before he actually saw anything of the views in the valley…. a karma chameleon in training.
The Circle, This was nominated for the best beer stop ever…..the hares fearless.
At this juncture it should be pointed out that most of this hash was set by Just say Gwen…. Who received no credit, not even a mention….until now… and only because I am so late in sending this, I’ve caught up with the jungle bunny!
There were many down downs and Anniversarios, none of which I can remember except for Karma Chameleons joke which was the funniest ever because there was no start and no punchline… my kind of joke!
The ON ON… bring your own stale sandwiches and Opencor Gazpacho was I’m told a rather hurried affair with everyone’s nuts and nipples freezing. But the main thing is that it was a fabulous day and a wonderful birthday for our wonderful Swiss Roll …. ON ON!
Shaggy!
Run 1147 - June 6th - La Cala
I can not remember the last time I wrote a scribe as I am always on my Best!! behaviour in the circle and never late always on time.......... Well Not this time as I was quite late arriving but on arriving my new HC Ass was performing her duties & had all the money collected for me and ready to go.Tx Streaky.
About 30 hashers gathered for the hares birthday run, Yogi and J.S.Gwen at La Cala. Circle was called and hares did the usual flour markings that we all by now know, or do we?? Yogi decided to do markings a la UK style so as to confuse the already confused bunch.
We set off in the afternoon sun, down into the dry river bed, (I thought we had a lot of rain during the winter?), Flappy foreskin & and Ronan at the front checking it all out for us or this is what is suppose to happen, but they got slightly confused and couldn't agree on these new & strange flour markings hence the pack going up and down the hill on a number of times and desperately looking for a bit of shade and the Bs sign as it was soo hot.
Once on the correct trail, found by Golden, the views where breathtaking and as we walked through the tall grasses and all the wonderful smells of freshly trod on flowers and wild garlic hit our smell senses we forgot about the horrid hill.
Lots of circles in flour kept the pack together, (these were checks by the way)!,and we all arrived at the BS relatively together, except for 1 hasher of course which was heading down to the second BS. Can anyone guess who this was??
From the Second BS to the On In it was relatively short but we had to cross a Wet River this time and Speed Bumps not wanting to get her dogs feet wet gave her a piggy back mutch to the annoyance of The Mounty as he wanted to mount her also!!:)hope you 2 had a good night at the disco.
Once back the circle was formed and scores were given and a worthy 8.9 was awarded. Would have been a 9 if they had bought cava for the BS!Cheap skates!!
It was then time for FB to act as standing RA, (he quickly got demoted I must say):) and cleansed us of our sins with lots of beer, Sinners where brought in for all sorts of things which a few of them if I can recall are as follows.
UYB for getting overheated on the run and having to catch a lift back in the hares car, The Mounty for not doing a scribe since the last run which was about........................20 years ago??!!!
Yogi for long distance running in the circle and saying that he was a marathon runner and lots of other bs!!. ha ha Karma, Hobble,Mindy,Sheep Shagger and yes Fender Bender for shortcutting though he did not want to admit it in the circle!!.
Pussy Galore for trying to Kill her dog on the road, but her scream stopped him in his tracks and so did the hashers that where around her! and hence this saving his life. Should be renamed Lucky, what a lucky escape and hope this will be a lesson for all you dog owners and lovers than when there is a road put them on a lead or give them a piggy back!!
Septic for New Shoes and Slipadictome for not wearing hash gear and comming as the black widow.
Speed bumps called in for telling a naughty joke, can anyone remember it? I can and it goes like this... " What smells worse than a boqueron"?..... answer...... A boqueron's c.u.n.t", Very distasteful I say!
Yogi for being a bit Wobbly after leaving Wobbly Bob's bar and falling off his motorbike and having to stuff his pockets with motorbike bits as he damaged the poor thing, and I am sure lot's more sinners were called in but I can't recall all, sorry if I missed anyone out.
Names where put forward once again for Pussy Galores daughter and suggestions like Hot Pussy and Pussycat where discarded for the 4th time,.. maybe next time.
On On was anounced and 17 of us went for Roast Beef and Y Pudding with all the trimmings at Dibley's in La Cala which was superb.
A birthday song was sung by us all as the waitress came out from behind the screen with a peace of cake and a lit candle on it, and Yogi all emotional got up from his chair and awaited the arrival of his cake, mutch to his surprise the cake was not for him but for a young 8 year old boy called John who was also celebrating his birthday, so Yogi got a bit upset and pulled his Big Pants down in front of all the diners, yes you read it in front of All &, this Big Hairy Bottom and some other bits also where on display. I am sure little Johny will never forget his 8th birthday in a hurry and nor will the other diners forget Yogi's Big Hairy Arse!!
The topic of conversation on the tables seemed to be about Sex, different types of Durex creams and gels and Viagra for women but the best one came from Willy Warmer and "wetting the bed", A great On On was had by all, Thanks to the 2 Birthday hares for a great day.
Aniversarios: Knockout 195 runs,Dogs Bollox 555 runs,UYB 415 runs,Flappy foreskin 5 runs,S Bumps 60 runs,W Wanker 180 runs,Mary Hinge 20 runs.
Your Scribe Golden Cascade. x :)
Run 1145/1146 - May 29th-31st - Cazorla
Run 1144 (again) May 22nd HARES: Sir Sparky & HMV assisted by Nipper
Dafodildos Photos (Click here)
Torreblanca
A group of about 35ish, like minded nutters, who where all wishing they had gone to the beach, turned up for the run. Roll on Monday running…..
The pack was assembled, photos taken, and off we went, it was confusing to say the least, but what’s new, it would not be the hash if we were not confused. However, when only two hashers actually completed the first half of the run, it must have been very confusing.
For the rest of us, we all arrived at the beer stop in record time, and had lots of time to scoff crisps and drink copious amounts of not quite cold enough beer, whilst waiting for the not quite lost Pussy Galore and Golden Cascade.
We gave up waiting, after being told that they would be quite some time and set off for the second half, very enjoyable and with the hares back before us and PG and GC back in the fold, the circle was called. I think the run score was about 7. +++
With our new RA Colonic taking the day of without a sick note, our new Arch dickin Flakey, had to step up.
Bereft of his beloved robe ( stolen, or misplaced ) the lack of respect in the circle was apparent with the Kodak kids leaping around the circle making the paparazzi seem like Japanese tourists, and Up yer bum, doing a great impression of Guy Ritchie, directing the show.
I cant remember much it was all too distracting, and I had far to many beers at the beer stop, but sins were cleansed; PG and GC for not calling and going of to do their own run and leaving the rest of us to go the wrong way.
The spec saver award went to Daffy Dildo, for getting into the wrong car at the petrol station and frightening small children.
Ronan was called in to be named, about time, but had a stay of execution, as Bollock chops did not go down too well, so we need to work on that one.
Circle closed we parted for the On On On to a great little venta 3 couses, a litre of vino all for 11 euros.
Well done hares.
Your scribe Stiffanny
Run 1143 HARES: Fender & Flakey
Well here I am again doing Hash Scribe it only seems yesteryear since the last time ,ok it was last decade but who s counting .
I will start with the AGM 3pm kick off at Baranco Blanco ,GM Dipper chaired the meeting ,well not chaired exactly ,because he didn’t have one so you could say he stood the meeting but I digress out went the old gang and in came the new .
Details will follow I am sure.
Now the run set off at 4pm run no 1143/1144
Iam edging my bets because it was announced as no 1144 and even sewn onto our teashirts but stiffany got a down down for getting it wrong ,I kept well out of it because several of our members ( mostly women) had been involved in fisty cuffs that week what is the hash coming to ? Oh well they always said they were a rough lot .
Hares fender bender and flakey set the usual ball breaker of a run ,we set off with about 45 runners but swelled to over 50 by the time lost souls caught up .I have run that area 3 times and this run was the reverse of the last time but with fabulous views the hares managed 8 ѕ ( I WOULD HAVE GIVEN THEN 3 BUT NOBODY ASKED ME)
To the circle 3 virgins were called in all blokes so we past on quickly to anniversaries notably kindergarden kop or dave 240 runs ,Kama chamelian 255 and the saddest bastard of the day mummy s boy 275 ,sins were cleansed and since it was mummy s boy s birthday the RA decided a fresh salad was more fitting then a cake so the ingredients were placed on his head and tossed ,the salad I mean ,seasoned and tossed . with Flakey and colonic switching roles from RA to ARCHDEACON and visa versa a long but most enjoyable circle was had and 8pm we moved off to the Booma Restaurant .
Nice to see my old friend Elephant ass looking as youthful as ever ,perhaps a young Chinese bride might suit me ( yes 5mil please)
Also wishing Veuve clitoris a speedy recovery keep hashing on
5 Mil
Dafodildos Photos (Click here)
Run 1142 HARES: Shaggi & Speedbumps
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