Run No 1626 - La Cruz de Piedra near Coin
The Hansel and Gretel Run.
Set by the Brothers Grimm. Really Grim.
An outlandish tale of dastardly witches, enticing innocent hashers into the forest of hashpravity.
Some lost souls are still driving round in circles.
Those that made it to the run start were greeted by From Behind, her blond locks flowing and dark horns, a hairy beard and red eyes; he made a good Angelina Jolie, Maleficent look-a-like. Together with Muzzle'im who looked even more fetching, with a face like a witches tea bag and a missing child up his dress.
These ghoulish witches rounded up a brightly coloured but misled bunch of miscreants. “Get up, you lie-abeds, get in the circle, then you are all going to the forest to fetch wood.”
Maleficent and the old witch, gave the poor hashers blobs of flour to follow. The hashers stuffed their pockets with beer and crisps, hoping to find their way back. Most of whom had eaten their own trail by the time they touched the trees.
Master Bates (aka Wanks Twice) and Seamen Stains etched the entire journey to a picture book story. Which should accompany this outlandish tale.
The hashers all set out together. Like the children of the wood cutter and his wife. Only more of them.
Yogi bear striding forth in to the woods, for a shit no doubt. Just say When hopping off like a woodland rabbit, Bloody Pinochio tearing through the trees, faster than a woodpecker on fire. Sweet n Low determined not to be outdone by the front runners kept pace with the forest ranger Stiffany, who had an uncanny knowledge of the undergrowth.
Flashes of "ON ON" echoed past the rest of the hashers, who were content to be led through meadows of fresh flowers under the bright sunshine, in to the cool shade.
When they had meandered, and checked back, zigzagged and followed the circles of flour into the middle of the forest, Maleficent was satisfied they were lost, “Now hashers, go and fetch a lot of wood" and he pointed his staff to the densest part of the woodland, where the checks, strange circles and split trails were discovered.
Community Chest lept over brushwood chased by Toto the dog, Swiss roll ignored the rocks with her sturdy legs, she kicked the stones from under her. Several unhinged hashers began to complain there were too many rocks underfoot and how could anybody get out alive in this forest. Salman Rushdie sped past them like nun in a knocking shop.
Seamen Stains held the hand of the fair maiden Happy Ending, until they had found a bush big enough and deep enough to hide in.
Five Knuckle and Colonic Irrigation sat down on a log. They heard the strokes of an axe, possibly they thought the witch was quite near and hugged each other. Jerry Can and Quick Sand found a human trap tied on a dead tree, and that forged them on.
They had all hashed for a long time and their eyes were closing with fatigue, when at last, they fell across a beer stop.
The witches were waiting for the pack behind a tree “You naughty hashers, what a time you've spent in the wood! We thought you were never going to come back.” They cackled with delight knowing there was more in store for the weary travellers.
The dogs began to whine and grumble, “are we ever to get dog food on this hash?” The rest of the weary hashers ate gingerbread prepared by Muzzle'im. Although some suspected Stiffany had a hand in it.
Kinder thought hard, "There is no other way of saving ourselves. We must find our way back to the circle". I´m Easy said, "I have gingerbread crumbs, but be careful From Behind every tree, the witch is watching us".
It was true. The dark horns of Maleficents large head stood rock still at every split and check. But Kinder ploughed on, oblivious to the witches charms.
The hashers saw bolders, rocks and stones strewn everywhere, just as all hope was lost, they emerged in to the land of BEER and a gingerbread circle.
A forest woodcutter named Sir Flakey, resplendent in his finest leather hosiery. Hoiked up his balls and marched in to the circle.
He brought in the annivsarios and Grimm hares. Muzzl'im turned out to be a virgin hare and not a wizen old witch after all. The woodcutter declared the run for the hapless hashers a decent 8 point something.
He gave down downs to I´m Easy for 10 runs, Community Chest for 160 (say it like a darts fan) Kindergarten Cop for a respectable 555 runs and last but not least Mummy's Boy, who'd had 645 resuscitations.
Then he handed the lederhosen to Colonic Irrigation.
"Ice!" Said Colonic, "just sit down there Pinochio and When". Like disoriented children, they did as they were told.
"Now bring me those visitors!" Knockout Neptune (Two Pies) and Chocolate Starfish and were punished for not paying the Woodcutter and taking the beer.
All the time, Pinochio's arse was getting colder. Just say When whose ass must be like two round pebbles, just crushed the ice.
Shaggy was then forced to sit on the ice, but quite liked it so stayed longer than she should.
Other misdeamours went punished and more merriment was had at the expense of Aquasex, Bleeding Bush and any other hasher that didn't ever reach the woods.
The repast was held at a fine establishment and looked great fun, but the scribe had sat on the ice too long and had to go and sit in a hot bath.
And the hashers all lived happily ever after. Which considering the dangerous activities undertaken and the amount of beer that's drank, that's quite an achievement.
ON ON to the 2 eggs and a German sausage run next week.
This scribe was in memory of Quira (the beautiful Golden Retriever). She died suddenly, after years of hard partying with Speedbumps. What a life!
ON ON to Jack and the other hash pack. Shaggy.
Run No. 1626 "The Hansel & Gretel Run"
The Witch will be giving extra sweeties to those who turn up in Pigtails or Lederhosen (who says the Germans have no sense of humour).