Run - 1887 - 3 December 2023 A Bridge too Far
RUN 1887 A BRIDGE TOO FAR
Sunday 3 December, at Guadalmina, Malaga.
A bold, sanguinary, but ultimately failed attempt by the Allied Mijas Armed Forces to
retake the territory occupied by the Malaga Panzer Abwehr on the other side of the
mighty Guadalhorce river.
Gruppenstuppenführer Herr Rubherturd and Uberspitzenleiter Spermaid had planned
for an early attack on the Malaga stronghold, hoping that most of the Malaga troops
were still in a state of stupour after having been dragged through the river Kwai the
evening before by their commander QOT. However, it seemed that their own troups
were in a much worse state. General Francisco “Flakey” Viscount of El Alharuin,
KG, CSB, DSO, had to be dragged out of his bunk and reviewed the troups in a
bathrobe while eating a banana – needless to say that this did not install great
confidence in the outcome of the task at hand...
It didn't really help that his Second in Command was Marcus Skidius, an important
pillar of the Pax Britannica, who had left Albion to lead the troups across the river.
His rather-great-grandfather, Biggusdiccus Skidius had previously failed to cross
another large river and had been beaten back by savage Frisians and Batavians,
leaving them to their own barbarity for ever more.
There was also plenty of air support for the attack, but it turned out that most of the
planes that landed near the attack site were full of drunken British hooligans thinking
they were going to arrive at an all-inclusive resort and had already started training for
their binging onboard the plane. They were singing some loud, bawdy songs about
garden sheds and the like and were not much use for the stealth attack they were
needed for.
To be quite honest, this whole mission was doomed from the start as there were
simply too many infiltrators from the Malaga side – after the massacre that ensued I
tried to find 10 differences between the group photo of Mijas and Malaga and had to
stop counting at 4 1/2...
Anyway, after the visiting dogs had eaten all the clues that had been laid out for the
troups, the attack commenced in a bewildering way. Charges were made at several
points of the river, some more successfully than others. Herroberststurmtrupenführer
Kindergarten actually managed to direct his amphibious vehicle to the same side of
the river he had departed from and then charged his own attacking forces – no Legion
D'honeur waiting for him tonight...
Collonello Sanguinante Pinocchio claimed afterwards that he had managed to breach
the defence single-handedly, but had left his troups too far behind and had to
withdraw due to lack of support. Now pull the other one, Pinocchio...
General Flakey saw how his tanks started to become inoperational one after the other;
the caterpillar tracks started to come off and apparently the tanks carried no spares.
Then the petrol ran out, and finally he realized he had forgotten to pack ammunition...
It was carnage – only a few of the brave made it back to the car park, where they then
fell victim to a bunch of 'happy guys' who dragged them into the bushes finishing
them off completely. There was in fact a traffic jam of happy guys, all backed up.
After this debacle it remains to be seen if the Allied Mijas Troops can manage to hold
on to their own territory for much longer – if you ask me, the Barbarians are at the
gates.
Visitors: Tight Lips, Butt Wipper, Marcus Skidius
Aniversarios: Niagra Fanny Falls 10 runs, Pepper Grinder 140 runs, and Kindergarten
Cop 730 runs.
And more or less in the words of the marvellous Eric Bogle, so ellocuently interpreted
by the immortal Sean MacGowwan – godbless:
We collected the wounded, the crippled, the maimed
And we shipped them off to a chiringuito
The armless, the legless, the blind and the insane
Those proud wounded heroes of Gaudalmina.
(And the band played Waltzing Matilda)
A great time was had by all – I believe an 8.7 was awarded – and the On On was
awesome, thank you Hares!
Your scribe,
Justo Dentro
